Name: Monday Morning Podcast 1-16-23
Uploaded: 2023-01-16T23:06:34.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 1-16-23' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-01-16. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 1-16-23' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-01-16. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 1-16-23

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the monday morning podcast
for monday
january 16th 2023 what's going on how are you all right i'm not gonna lie to
you i threw out
my back getting a frozen waffle out of the freezer i am laying on my side right
now because
it's the only way i can talk right now i feel like somebody's stabbing me in my
kidney
you know and you know what the sad thing is is i've been working out and i've
been stretching
you know i've been fucking trying to remain flexible at my advanced age oh you
fucking cunt
all right i think if i lay here this is going to be good all right this this i
don't know how long
this podcast is going to be um how are you
oh god damn it
all right here we go okay oh that's it all right i'm laying on this stupid ass
fucking heating pad
is there anything that does less when you throw at your back than a fucking
heating pad
oh god it's like my nerves are inflamed let's put some heat on it
oh
oh
all right
okay
all right happy martin luther king day everybody
martin luther king day the day african americans acknowledge
one of the great leaders they've ever had and white people pretend they care
and take a day off
and go boogie boarding out in fucking
santa monica in his memory dude this is martin luther king would want us to be
out here boogie boarding
um holy shit well this feels all right okay we've adjusted but i'll tell you
right now no matter how
bad my back feels right now there's no way my back feels worse than the way san
diego charger fans feel
um in defense of the san diego chargers organization they've been asking for a
new football stadium for
years all right down there in qualcomm 3com whatever the fuck it was called
and san diego was like hey man isn't the weather enough for you we're not going
to be held hostage
by you fucking cunts you haven't even won it you've never won a super bowl
and then san diego is like well that's because this stadium must be buried on
top of a native
american burial ground or something something happened and san diego's like we
don't give a
shit all right finders keepers losers weepers all right send that to the oprah
network we don't give a
fuck and then san diego chargers is like all right
we're just gonna pack our shit up and leave i'm in the city of san diego is
like you don't have the
fucking balls and the charger's like oh yeah you don't think so you don't think
so packing up the
bag yeah you'll be back they already got a team up there called the rams
and they even left they went to st louis for like fucking i don't know 25
fucking years
they're like oh you're gonna miss us when we're gone and they're like yeah you're
not going anywhere
and then they fucking left and they went up to la memorial coliseum inside of
the first two
fucking super bowls and now they got a new stadium so fine but you know what
the ghosts
of what their stadium sat on followed them and they were up 27 to nothing in
jacksonville florida
against trevor lawrence you cannot convince me is not a robot
the most beautiful lifeless eyes in football trevor lawrence nothing affects
that guy
um and i don't know who was controlling him in the first half but
i it was like they bet the charges you know you try to look off his safety he
was like looking
right at a cornerback and would throw it right to him in the first half it was
a tale of two robots
everybody
fucking game was 27 and nothing at the half and old freckles is like my wife's
like why
don't we go out tonight i'm like yeah fuck it let's go out i mean what this
game stinks
right so we went out i had myself a nice little italian meal out here
some fucking protein oh billy protein face like i said i've been back at the
gym can't you guys hear
how healthy i am i've been doing squats i've been doing some core lift oh i've
been
fucking kicking ass finally losing my goddamn covet weight you know oh billy
fat tits
i was getting them you know i was getting my chesticles back in shape again i
was having the
third peck my belly go there's nothing worse there when your belly sticks out
the second it's sticking
out as far as your pecs you just look like a mad man titted cunt that's just it
just is what it is
um so i've been killing it at the gym and then of course now i gotta throw out
my back so anyway
my wife wants to go out to dinner i love my wife let's take her out we go out
we have a good time
time we ended up stopping off at a little uh a little after hours place and i'm
going on look
all of a sudden it's 30 to 20 and i was like wait a minute are the charges
gonna do what the
fuck they always do in the goddamn playoffs are they gonna fucking lose again
to a team that they have beat and lo and behold it's the second half right
the jacksonville jaguars halftime adjustments is that they did a hard drive
switch on trevor lawrence
then all of a sudden the man couldn't miss you know still had that lifeless
look in his eyes
you can't convince me he's not a robot and doesn't ride on shirtless on a white
robot horse like i feel
like that's how he comes to the games but the nfl just
maybe that's what it is after the former players did that that class action
suit for cte
i think that they've already begun switching over to robots and i think trevor
lawrence is
the first one i mean tell me he isn't tell me that guy tell me that that's a
person um
so then the charges actually have a chance to kind of ice it with the field
goal
and the kicker comes out charles dickens the fourth whatever his name is and he
misses it right
fucking jacksonville scores goes for a two-point conversion as i'm screaming
don't do this
why would you do this oh because some mathlete said this is the right thing to
do and lo and
behold it worked the math team was right now it's 30 to 28. and then i don't
know chicago goes three
and out chicago san diego goes three and out and then they let the robot
come back on the field and he emotionlessly drives them down the field
right a gutsy fourth down call whatever the they did running the ball
around the outside all the way down to like the 18 and then their field goal
kicker comes in
kicks the field goal and all of jacksonville celebrates now i want to first of
all i want
to give a shout out to the jacksonville jaguars and the city of jacksonville
one of the best cups of
coffee i ever got in my life was in jacksonville first time i ever tried
alligator and the only time
i ever tried alligator was in jacksonville it does not taste like chicken okay
anybody goes when any
whenever anybody's trying to get you to taste something new they tell you it
tastes like chicken
and that the truth is the only there's only one thing in the world that tastes
like chicken and that's
chicken and it's delicious like chicken it's not even close chicken is the best
tasting animal
on the planet to the point even if you can't cook if you make some chicken it's
still gonna taste all right
right provided you don't undercook it
i mean you can up it's like if somebody doesn't know how to cook and they're
gonna try to cook for you
they're making chicken let's be honest they're not firing up a grill and they're
gonna try to
make a steak you know or sear it on both sides on the skillet on top of the
stove finish it in the
oven and bring it back out for a garlic butter bath they ain't doing that shit
they're taking a chicken
cutlet one side the other side they throw a little salt and pepper on it you
can deal with it you can
fucking deal with it first place and only place i ever shot a gun with a silencer
jacksonville florida
i had a great i've had great times out there so shout out to them
um condolences to ladanian tomilson who
went to that tcu georgia game tc tcu uh grad watched his team lose by 58 points
i'm still not
even sure tcu still even has a football program after that loss jesus christ
right and then the danian right as he's shaking off that loss getting excited
and watching his former
team the charge is up 27 nothing he watches them blow it again
i'm telling you when january comes around there's one thing that you can bank
on other than the
fact that you're going to promise yourself that you're going to go to the gym
and get your six
pack back knowing full well you're going to throw out your back and be laying
on a purple mat that's
heated a couple weeks later right that's a guarantee the beginning of every
year that gyms are going to be
overly crowded until about january 20th and then people are going to start
dropping like flies
and the other thing that you can bet on is that the chargers the vikings and
the bills are going
to lose in the playoffs two out of three of those things happened almost three
out of three with the
buffalo bills and their lackluster performance is there somehow basking in this
national
shit where they think that everybody's rooting for them some woman in the crowd
actually had a sign
that said buffalo bills america's team it's like a let's take it down a little
bit your wings aren't
that good all right i'm rooting for you i hope it happens if it doesn't i don't
give a fuck
i know that they're not nice people out in buffalo they're just making you seem
like you're nice
because everyone feels bad for you but i have first-hand experience with
buffalo bills
fans when i wore that patriots hat to a bills jets game rooting for the bills
and that dude pushed me in the back when i was in the bathroom
as i was taking a piss the coward that he was pushing an old man like me in the
back
huh i'm still rooting for him because only because they're my super bowl my
super bowl pick all
right so i just want to be right that's the only reason why i'm rooting for
them i'm not rooting for
them you know for any other reason all right the bills mafia and oh we crushed
tables and all that
shit um anyway so my money is actually on them i bet them at the beginning of
the year to win the super
bowl and then i i watched whatever the that was against some quarterback named
skyler what's his face
from utah community college by the way how many more backup quarterbacks are
just going to come
waltzing in to take over for starting quarterbacks from major colleges and just
absolutely crush it
have they changed the rules so much on the offense or is this just like the
error of the quarterback
i'm trying to remember the last time a backup quarterback came in and didn't
just go out
and just act like the starting quarterback
i mean who are these people you got that kid purdy oh my back um
let's see if this works you got that kid purdy for the san francisco 49ers
right
kid won his first five starts nobody's ever done that all of these hall of fame
quarterbacks
all of these guys went back in the day you could hit a quarterback none of them
ever did it
and some guy oh i've never heard of i've never heard of that i don't where he
played college football
i'm not saying i'm the be-all end-all of knowing about college football and
shit but i never heard of this guy this guy comes in he's lights out
fucking lights out some guy named schuyler comes in lights out
baker mayfield gets traded to the goddamn rams whoever the fuck's playing
quarterback now for
the panthers lights out they're covering every week i'm losing money i'm
throwing out my back
colt mccoy i didn't know he was still in the goddamn league lights out just the
best backup in the
fucking you know the backup quarterback is supposed to suck that's why he's the
backup he comes in
and there's a noticeable drop off from the starter you don't keep fucking
winning
you don't come out against the buffalo bills and all their goddamn weapons
with some kid named schuyler who sounds like he should have a protractor in his
goddamn hand
and tyreek hill is hurt and they hang with them the whole goddamn game
i'm still rooting for the bills my money's still on them but i will tell you
this is the kids say i was
whelmed by that performance no i was underwhelmed what am i talking about i was
underwhelmed they should
have came in there and kic