Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 1-19-23
Uploaded: 2023-01-20T20:23:17.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 1-19-23' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-01-20. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 1-19-23' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-01-20. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 1-19-23

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon,
just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you.
Just checking in to see how your week's going. How are you? Oh, Billy Backbrace.
Oh, Billy Backbrace is fucking laying here with his legs elevated.
Dude, underrated, throwing out your back. You get to lay around and cancel shit.
Oh, dude, dude. Dude, I'd love to, but I threw out my back.
Oh, you don't say. What happened?
Oh, you know, the freezer, you know, the goddamn freezers at the bottom of the
refrigerator there, and wouldn't you know,
I went down to get a frozen waffle, and the suction from the freezer just
caused this, that little bit of resistance in a full.
Oh, yeah, the forward bends are the worst, dude. And you're out. And you're out.
You don't have to do fucking shit.
How do you have to even emotionally support my wife right now? That's how I
feel, you know?
I don't have to do shit. So that's what I'm doing. I've been watching some
movies.
Yesterday, I fired up the fucking aviator.
I got, like, through the first 45 minutes of that.
Every movie that you guys are recommending, by the way, for whatever reason, is
two hours and 50 minutes long.
Casino, Jackie Brown, Heat, and the aviator are all, like, three-hour fucking
movies.
Do you know what? I got time to watch them, because I, ah, dude, I threw out my
back.
That's right up there with, ah, I got kids. I got to go home. The kids, you
know, I got to get back to the kids.
I got the, let's, let's top five. I got to get the fuck out of here. I don't
want to talk to you.
You know?
You know when you just get cornered with somebody who just, like, won't shut
the fuck up?
Nia, you know what that's like, right?
Every day.
Oh, every day. It's so difficult living with old Billy Backbrace.
When, um, you know, somebody won't shut the fuck up, and you're not giving them
anything.
And the person will literally talk to the side of your face for 40 straight
fucking minutes.
They just won't get it.
They just don't get the fucking hint that you, as a human being, have disengaged
from whatever, whatever life experience that has created them to do what they're
doing to you right then, right?
If that isn't working, if they can literally sit there and talk to the side of
your fucking face like you're a horse and they're brushing your back.
At that point, you have to go with, you got to go with an excuse.
All right?
Now, you can't go with, I threw out my back.
That only works over the phone and via text.
You know?
If they FaceTime, just make sure you're laying down and you just have that, ah,
ah, look on your face and you'll be good, right?
In person, when someone's being the old horse trainer, talking to the side of
your fucking head, right?
I would say you got to go with, I got kids.
I got a dog.
Um, I don't know where to go after that.
Nia, what's a good one to get out of a fucking, somebody's just talking to the
side of your fucking head.
What's a good one to get out of there?
I got to get up early in the morning.
I got to get up or show me.
I got to get up early in the morning.
Ding!
Good answer.
I got to get, you know what my buddy of mine used the other day?
I got to take a piss.
Just, he didn't have to go.
Wait, just to get out of a conversation?
To get out of it, because this guy was so annoying and he just kept trying to
get out of it and he couldn't.
So he went with.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, I always excuse myself to the ladies' room.
But the great thing is he didn't have to go.
So then he just went in there and stood.
You always have to go a little bit, I guess.
You can make it happen.
Yeah.
Or you can act like it, right?
You can just stand there.
Go in to the bathroom and then when you come out, oh, I ran into somebody else.
And so I don't get back to the conversation.
Yeah.
Or, Nia, you could just go with straight up honesty.
And just stop staring off into the fucking tree line and turn your head to him
and just be like, buddy, you're killing me.
You're killing me.
Like, what?
I mean, I literally have not even made a facial expression.
Forget about, sent any words your way for at least 11 minutes.
You know?
Those are the people who don't pick up on social cues.
Sociopaths?
No, not sociopaths.
People who just don't pick up on social cues where they can't recognize the
fact that you're not into this conversation anymore.
And they just keep talking at you.
Not even to you, but just at you.
You know what's worse than that is there's someone that does pick up on the
social cues and they realize you don't want to talk to them, which causes them
– they already have, like, low self-esteem.
So then they think that they can just, like – they can fix it and they can
just keep going and make it – like, they're going to turn you around.
Yeah.
And that's when you have to be like, you know what?
I need to just run to the restroom.
Or you just get graphic.
I got to take a shit.
Real bad.
Oh.
That's people – oh, yeah, I'll go with you.
That's what the person will say.
What?
I'll go with you.
And then, like, you're in the stall and they're standing outside the stall
still talking to you.
Anyway.
No, you got to go with honesty.
I'm getting good at that, Nia.
I'm getting fucking good at, like, you know, in that – you know, it's weird.
As a comedian, you can do, hey, what did you say?
Yeah, fuck you.
You know, because it doesn't mean anything.
It's stupid.
Everybody else is watching, so no one takes it.
Well, for the most part, nobody takes it seriously.
And then came social media.
I'm getting better at that in my everyday life.
I actually used that.
This guy was just fucking, like, you know, watch – I just watched these guys
break down a game,
which there's nothing worse than listening to fucking people breaking down a
game.
Yeah, why don't you break down the game, right?
And it doesn't even matter what they say.
They're not held accountable.
It's just like, just talk about this sport for, like – oh, my God, I just
picked up on the social cue of your face.
You don't want it?
All right, sorry.
See that?
You see what I did?
Oh, my God.
You know what you should have done in the middle of that?
Been like, hey, I got to go to the bathroom.
I just realized I got to get out of here.
You know, I actually, Nia, I noticed a lot of your social cues, and I got to be
honest with you, they bug me.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah, I hate when I'm interrupting whatever you're doing, and then you pretend
like you don't hear me interrupting you,
and you want to teach me a social lesson, that when two people are talking, you
just don't come walking up like a toddler and talking to them.
I hate when you do that.
What am I supposed to do?
Stop, turn around, and address your husband.
So have you learned anything?
Yeah, you know what I've learned?
Oh, no.
That you're going to take as much –
Why?
Why did I ask that?
Did you learn anything?
Never give Bill Burr an opening to explain himself further.
You are that person that just talks and talks and talks and doesn't realize
when the other person is zoned out.
That's my whole podcast.
That's my whole podcast.
You have to explain how the autorotation works in your fucking helicopter for
the 20th time.
God knows we need to hear that story again.
Yeah.
All right.
Guilty as charged.
No, guilty as charged.
I realize one of the main things that attracted me to you is also what always
happens.
It's the thing that fucking annoys me the most about you.
Right, yes.
Exactly.
What does that mean?
That means I understand completely.
I don't think I've ever –
What drew me to you now repels me.
All right.
Oh, you're trashing me again.
So what is it that attracted you to me that now annoys you?
You know what I realized?
It would be really dumb for me to answer that question.
So I'm not going to.
Okay.
I was kind of hoping that it would bother you that I didn't answer that and you'd
be like,
well, what is it?
No.
I need to know what the mystery is.
No, I'm good.
You don't care, but you got to figure out what fucking Susie fake tits said to
Betty Botox
every week on the fucking Real Housewives, the Real House Whores, the fucking
Aberdeen fucking County.
Huh?
Where are they going next, Nia?
If you're running that franchise, where do you –
What's the next city?
Where's the next town that you can find fucking five washed up whores that
married for money rather than fucking love?
They haven't done Vegas yet?
Well, I bet those chicks would be cool out there.
You know why, Nia?
Because they know the score.
Hey, baby, nobody comes to Vegas looking for love.
You come to Vegas, you're looking for something else.
Can I interest you in a highball?
Whatever the fuck you drank back in the day.
So what are you going to do all day today, Nia?
Huh?
I'm going to go to the gym.
I don't care.
I'm going to go to the gym.
I'm going to fucking have lunch with my friend.
And I'm going to come home and be like, baby, get the fuck out of the bedroom.
Why am I going at you today?
I don't know.
I was going to say, do you have nothing to talk about on this podcast?
And I just happen to be sitting here.
So now it's like, oh, you're here.
Let me just use you.
Yeah.
When I was in improv college, they taught me to use improv college.
I actually have one accredited credit on an accredited course at improv college.
Wait, what was your major in college?
You told me.
Communications, right?
Oh, I had a bunch of majors and then I settled on communications.
Yeah.
And by the time I came around, they had changed that to media arts.
So I don't think you can get a communications degree.
It was media arts.
You're telling me I'm so old what I majored in doesn't even exist anymore?
I think so.
At our school, I don't think so.
I think they changed it to media arts, which is just as general.
I majored in being the town executioner.
Like they didn't know who that guy was, like when he came up with his fucking
shirt off.
You know what I mean?
But he has got a hood.
With the hood on his face.
Does that even...
I mean, how many executions could they go to and you'd be like, Mike, I didn't
see you at the execution again.
I was there.
I was...
Mike, you're not...
You're not the executioner, are you?
Oh, no, me?
Come on.
You know, I can't keep a secret.
All right, so where are you going to be on Thursday?
They're executing somebody else.
I'll be out.
I'll be around.
You know, he's like that guy in Saturday Night Fever.
I was looking for you guys.
Where were you?
You were up on the platform, mother...
You cut Jebediah's head off?
You knew him.
Hey, man, when I put the hood on, I become somebody else.
Oh, Billy the executioner.
Oh, Billy the executioner.
Was that a wrestler?
The executioner was Bernard Hopkins, I believe.
Was that a wrestler?
No, he's one of the great boxers of all time.
Oh, because it seems like a...
He was the Tom Brady of boxing.
He went into his 40s and was still kicking ass on people who were in their 20s.
It seems like the name of a wrestler, like an 80s wrestler, the executioner.
No, they had...
Didn't they have the Grim Reaper?
No.
Am I making that up?
You're now making me forget everybody's name because you're almost getting them
right.
The Undertaker.
The Undertaker.
Didn't they have the Grim Reaper?
Didn't they have Portuguese power?
No, it was Polish power.
I knew it was something to do with death.
So, what is it?
The Undertaker?
Okay.
The Undertaker.
Got it.
And he threw mankind...
He body slammed...
He chokeslammed him on top of the cage and he fell essentially two stories and
landed on his entire backside.
From the back of his feet to the back of his head.
And I remember the way his leg was like crossed over his other leg.
I'm like, that's how people look when they're dead.
When they fall to their death, you know.
Your shoes always pop off too, by the way.
On impact.
Oh, okay.
Yeah.
If you're ever hovering over your body and looking at it and your shoes aren't
on...
Take a note of your shoes.
Yeah, that means you're 