Name: Monday Morning Podcast 1-23-23
Uploaded: 2023-01-23T18:59:59.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 1-23-23' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-01-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 1-23-23' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-01-23. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 1-23-23

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for Monday!
January 23rd, 2023. Oh, wow, 123.23. I'm gonna go put that on one of them
fucking scratch tickets.
I can't remember the last time I bought one of those. The old scratch ticket,
right?
And then what happens? You hit it for 700 bucks, and you open your mouth, and
next thing you know, you gotta buy all your shithead friend's drinks.
Right? And they start ordering fancy shit, and you're fucking sitting there
looking at them like, what a cunt.
You think if this guy hits 700 bucks on a scratch ticket, he'd fucking let me
know about it?
And he turns around, and he's gonna do a shot of Johnny Walker blue?
Think I don't have fucking bills to pay? That's how people get killed.
They get killed with those scratch tickets. It happens. I've seen it. I've seen
HBO undercover about it.
I'm hanging out here in my lack of a podcast studio. I'm still trying to get my
fucking microphones fixed here.
And I am watching the Bengals versus the Bills.
It's 27 to 10.
27 to 10.
And if you didn't see this fucking game coming, you didn't watch them against
the Dolphins last week.
With a very underwhelming performance against the Miami Dolphins and some guy
named Skyler something or other at quarterback.
Which I was talking about, like, I think this is like the golden age of backup
quarterbacks.
Because I'll tell you, when I was growing up, god damn it.
When a backup quarterback came in, he fucking stunk.
I'm trying to think.
That's a great question.
The all-time greatest backup quarterback.
Send your submissions.
All right.
I don't even, I'm trying to name backup quarterbacks when I was, unless you had
a quarterback controversy.
Where they had, like, Pat Hayden and Vince Ferragamo.
Or, or David Woodley.
And, um, and something else.
What was the other?
Like, Don Strzok.
Um, all right.
Here's what fascinates me here about this game here.
This guy, 88, just caught one.
Ran a fucking seam route, I think that is.
Where you run right down the hash marks.
Is that what it's called?
I don't know what.
And now, all of a sudden, they're going to go into a hurry-up offense.
This is where I feel like Vegas made a phone call.
Being like, all right, people are shutting off this game.
At least make it 27-24, you know, to end it.
Right?
Um, anyway, I'm trying to think, like, backup quarterbacks.
Back in the, I've just never seen an era where that's happened.
But I'm not here to talk about that.
I'm not here to talk about playoff football and that wet snow that's falling in
Baltimore.
Hey, wait, Bill, how can you be doing a podcast while coaching the Bills at the
same time?
Final proof that I am not that guy.
He's also in better shape than I am.
Um, I just took my daughter, my wife and my daughter, to Disneyland for my
daughter's sixth birthday.
And I got to tell you this, I had a fucking blast.
I had a great time.
I don't know what all these fucking parents are bitching about.
You know, I, I know, I know.
They got the deal there where they fucking, you get off the ride.
I like now when you go there, you get off the ride and you immediately go into
a gift shop
that has got more fucking merchandise than that fucking band Kiss.
I mean, it's unbelievable.
We went to, uh, Tomorrowland.
Like, oh my God, let's go to the land of tomorrow.
Let's see what, uh, blitz!
He gets them!
Um, are they calling that a fumble?
They're not calling that a fumble.
Even a podcaster with bad eyes knows that his arm was moving forward.
Maybe it wasn't.
Josh Allen, slow to get up.
Um, Hendrickson, proving that what he has in his hand is indeed a football.
Yeah, his hand was, his arm was going forward.
What are we doing?
Yeah.
And on the replay.
All right, anyway.
Rule of the fumble on the play.
We're now going to fucking go through nine hours of, uh, investigative
reporting
to see if that was, in fact, an incomplete forward pass.
Um, yeah, dude, the level of fucking merch out there.
But what I did like, though, was the amount of parents that were, like, all
about it.
They were, like, so into it.
They had the ears on.
They were dressing like characters and all of that shit.
And, uh, we stayed at a hotel near the premises.
And, um, uh, my daughter went with one of her, her, her best, oh, not one of
her, literally
went with her best friend, which was great.
We went with another family, which was perfect.
Because they're cool.
And their kid's an absolute sweetheart.
And, uh, so I just knew it would be a better experience if she could go with
another kid
the first time at Disneyland.
So we went there.
And, uh, we went downstairs for breakfast.
I swear to God.
Mickey Mouse was there.
Minnie Mouse.
Pluto.
And I don't know if it was Chip or Dale.
My daughter knew.
I guess, like, their noses are different.
So we got pictures with all of them.
I saw Goofy for half a second.
But then he, like, he, like, dipped out or whatever.
And I'm sitting there.
And I was, took me back to when I, I went to Disney World.
A long, long, long fucking time ago.
Put it this way.
The last time I was at Disney World, they were building Epcot Center.
Um, and they were talking about how amazing it was going to be and all of that
stuff.
I can't remember if I went there in the, I think I went in the 70s.
And then one more time in my, in the 80s.
But I remember, because I was a little kid.
I remember they were having the parade going down Main Street.
And all I wanted to do was meet Goofy.
I thought Goofy was the funniest and the best character and all of that.
So the person in the Goofy suit was skipping down the street.
I remember Pluto was just walking down the street, shaking people's hands on
one side.
Where Goofy was skipping across, going over the middle.
Right?
Like, not, not even worried about Ray Lewis.
Just going over the middle.
And he was skipping from side to side.
And I sat there going, Goofy!
Goofy!
Goofy!
Like, not even understanding how sound travels is that the fucking dude could
not hear me.
And, of course, he skipped on past.
I didn't get to shake his hand.
I never met him.
And it bugged me.
And then I went there when I was a little bit older.
Still didn't meet him.
Right?
So today, we go downstairs for breakfast.
And lo and behold, oh, no, wait, wait, I missed it.
We went into the park.
And who's standing there taking pictures with a line of people is fucking Goofy.
I'm like, oh, shit.
I've been waiting for this picture for over 40 years.
So I stand in line with my daughter.
And I get there.
One of the Disney people's just like, yeah, Goofy's got a show, man.
He's got to go.
He's got to go.
So, like, this is the end of the line.
And I went, all right, I get it.
You got to be the bad guy.
No worries.
No problem.
And he says, all right, cool.
And then Cruella DeVille was hanging out.
And my friend was saying that Cruella's, like, the best character to play
because you can,
like, openly shit on people because it's part of your character.
Like, my kid and the other kid that she was with were, like, screaming at one
point.
And the Cruella DeVille person said, oh, who's making that awful noise or
something?
Was kind of awesome.
And she was being all arrogant and acting like, you know, she was the shit.
I really enjoyed meeting her.
But I didn't get to meet Goofy, right?
So, I'm leaving.
And we're going downstairs to go to breakfast.
And I'm thinking, like, all right, you know.
This is the last little breakfast thing here.
You know, the last little $900 for fucking poached eggs that I'm going to have
to pay for.
And we show up at breakfast.
And who's standing there doing a fucking step and repeat pictures or whatever
is Goofy.
Right?
The Buffalo Bills driving.
With nine minutes to go.
The Buffalo Bills are driving.
I'm just saying this for me because by the time this is posted, this game will
be over.
Fucking Goofy standing there.
So, I stand in line.
It's like, you know, five sets of parents.
Sets of parents.
Not just parents.
Five sets of parents.
Like, two and three people.
They all went to Disney together.
And they're standing in line.
Standing in line.
And we get down to, like, one family in front of us.
And Goofy just fucking, he just bounces.
He walks.
And I'm like, what the fuck?
And then the lady goes, oh, Goofy just had to go take a quick break.
Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba.
I'm like, all right.
The guy, you know, the guy's got to take a leak.
Worst case scenario, we're dump.
This will be a good seven minutes.
He's coming back.
He washed his hands.
He's got the white gloves on.
All right, this is cool.
Goofy's coming back.
We stand there for seven to ten minutes.
And fucking Pluto comes walking around the corner.
Like, this is, like, an acceptable substitute.
It reminded me way back in the day when I went to the Boston Garden to go see
the Ice Capades.
And Dorothy Hamill, the Olympic gold medal winner for women's in 1976, was
supposed to be doing the figure skating.
And right as the lights went down, they go, we're sorry.
Dorothy Hamill will not be skating.
All right, fucking Skylar What's-His-Face from the fucking Miami Dolphins is
going to be.
Everybody's like, oh, what the fuck?
We're all, that's what we came out for.
She was like America's sweetheart.
Like, all the chicks were going out getting her hair cut.
Even Shirley from Laverne and Shirley, that TV show had a Dorothy Hamill
fucking haircut.
And she fucking, she bounced, she dipped, whatever the kids say, just like Goofy.
So, fucking dude leaves and then Pluto comes back around.
I got fucked again.
And my wife was laughing.
She, because she always calls little me when she thinks, when I tell the
stories from my childhood, she always goes, oh, baby, baby.
I'm walking away.
And she's just laughing.
She just goes, I go, the guy fucking dipped and Pluto came back and she laughed.
I go, I've been waiting to get that photo for over 40 years.
And then she goes, oh.
So, I put my head down and act like I'm all sad.
She goes, baby, baby.
And then, I don't know, we went, we ordered some other stuff.
But I got to say something, man.
I had a great time.
Once you got in the park, Jesus Christ, they got this downtown Disney, whatever
the fuck that is.
I will say, though, we saw this band there the night before, a Mexican band,
killing it.
Killing it.
Was that fourth and six?
Oh, you got to run.
You got to run the length of the field.
No, no, no, no, no.
Don't try to pass it over here.
Oh, no, you don't.
That's the ball game right there, ladies and gentlemen.
That was not even a good thrown ball.
Why is he acting as though he did something?
I swear to God.
I'm going to say this because I want it to be true.
I want to retire as a sports fan.
And I feel like what the Eagles, the Philadelphia Eagles head coach did, like
playing to the camera,
like he's not coaching a team, nodding vigorously after whatever the Eagles did
and says,
I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Like, that's the amount of young coaches that saw that and is like, I'm going
to do my version of that.
It was bad enough when they did a half hour segment on the fucking Ravens field
goal kicker.
I didn't watch it.
I just saw the advertising where he also sings in a cappella.
That's a fucking kicker.
Who gives a shit?
Oh, and he's got an attitude when he kicks that ball.
Like now, now let me get to, now, now that now a kicker is a personality, I
have to deal with that.
And then it becomes fucking, now a coach is going to be a personality.
Now he's going to be wagging his finger.
He's going to be shaking his head.
He's going to be like, at one point he was hammering it up so bad.
The NFL literally did a 360 shot around him.
The same shot Tarantino used on Pam Greer and fucking Jackie Brown when she was
coming out of the goddamn dressing room.
They did that to an NFL coach who looked like some jerk off that's out there
shoveling a driveway.
If that's going to, I was just trying to picture Tom Landry nodding vigorously
with his fedora, saying, I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Yea