Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-2-23
Uploaded: 2023-02-03T21:45:31.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-2-23' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-02-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-2-23' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-02-03. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-2-23

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon,
just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you.
I'm just checking in on you, just seeing how you're doing. How are you doing
today? I hope you're doing better than me, because I'll tell you what, I will
fucking tell you what!
I was all fucking Billy Blues the last two days, man. I was just fucking sad,
you know?
You don't even know why you're sad. You've been burying it so long. You don't
even know what the sadness is connected to?
Wow, jeez, Bill, I put this fucking podcast on to feel better. Where are you
going with this?
Oh, I'm going into the muck and the mire. The mire? Yeah, dude, and I was, I
did something that I never do.
I just sat in it, and kind of wrote it out, tried to figure it out, as opposed
to doing what I've been doing my whole life,
which is like, oh, I'll just go do stand-up. Oh, fucking go play some drums. I'll
learn how to fly a helicopter.
Yeah, that'll do it. Just think about other stuff. Don't think about what's bugging
you.
So, I don't know what it was. Just some sort of leftover shit.
And it was one of those deals where I still had my slippers on at one in the
afternoon.
Which is funny on two levels. One, that I still had on slippers at one in the
afternoon, and two, that I wear slippers.
And I do. I have the oldest fucking pair. I don't even know why, you know.
I just, every time I think of throwing something else, I just picture all that
shit in the fucking ocean.
I'm like, where is this going to end up? In the ground? Or out there in the
water?
Like, why should some porpoise have to deal with my old slippers?
Why do fish have to deal with any mistakes that we make here on land?
It's, you know, I understand other animals, like cheetahs and pigeons and all
of that shit.
It's just like, you know, you share this with us, okay?
You had the ability to overpower us and kill us back when we were in the caves,
and you didn't do it.
You fucking blew it. You had your opportunity to put us to bed, right?
But what did all the Predators do? What did they do?
Just like a bad football team, they let us hang around!
And all of a sudden, we were still there in the fourth quarter.
Just sat there as we figured out fire.
Ah, we'll get to killing those fuckers.
These prehistoric wildebeests are too goddamn delicious.
And they let us fucking hang around, and now look at us.
Running wild.
There's only one Predator left that can take us out.
And that's Mother Nature.
And she's been sleeping on the couch for fucking centuries.
And I think she's finally starting to wake up.
And we will see what happens.
So anyway, so I have slippers, people.
I don't even know when I got them.
I don't know why I had them.
And I was just sitting there in bed being sad.
I don't want to practice French.
I don't want to play my drum.
I don't want to fucking do anything.
I just stayed in it.
And somewhere around 1.30,
I was just sitting there going like, all right.
You know, I'm never getting this day back.
So this is what it's going to be.
Why don't we have a little victory here?
There is a bunch of shit in your sock drawer that is not socks.
Why don't we clear that out?
And I started doing that.
And then I moved on to my underwear.
I started feeling better.
And I moved on to my underwear drawer.
I got, you know.
I had those fucking, some old boxers in there.
You know, the band starts getting all like, all bunched up and wrinkled.
Like, it's had enough.
It's had enough big meals.
You know, it's done the job.
It's held your junk long enough.
And just like, all right, guys.
You know, put me out to pasture.
It's ready.
It's ready to retire.
Right?
Like the great Tom Brady.
So I fucking sifted through that.
You know.
And I don't know.
I just started feeling better.
And next thing you know, I had a few things to do.
Started moving around or something.
So I'm going to kind of do a combination of that.
See if I can work my way through whatever the fuck my problem is.
But I mean, I'm not like, you know, clinically depressed.
You know, like those people that can't even get off the ground.
I fortunately don't have that.
And it's just like this overwhelming, like, melancholy every once in a while.
And it's like, what am I doing?
I don't know.
What am I doing?
The fuck am I doing?
What is this all?
What does it all mean?
Right?
I'll tell you what's hilarious is my son woke me up this morning.
7.01 in the morning.
He can now get out of the crib.
I got to put pillows all the way around his crib.
We have, like, a monitor.
So at night when he goes to start doing it, we say, hey, hey, hey, hey.
You know, we can talk to him.
Lay back down.
He goes, okay.
He's fucking, he's at such a fucking hilarious age.
He's hilarious.
You know, I put him to bed the other night and I said, all right, good night,
buddy.
And he goes, he goes, all right.
He goes, he goes, night, night, sweetie.
Because that's what my wife says to him.
He said, good night, sweetie.
It was hilarious.
It was like he was breaking my balls.
All right there, sugar.
All right there, sweet tits.
I'll see you later.
Fucking laughing my ass off walking out of the room.
So anyway, talk about cheering you up, right?
So he came into the room this morning.
7-0-1 comes bursting in.
He should be in bed for another half hour, but now he knows how to get out.
He also gets out of his sleep sack.
He doesn't even have to, like, unzip it.
It's like fucking Harry Houdini.
I don't know if he separates one of his little shoulders, how hairy he used to.
I don't know how he gets out of it, but the bag is just sitting there like he,
the sleep
sack, like he, you know, took on a different form and just stepped out of it,
you know,
like I got left behind or something.
That's how it looks.
Pass fire right next to it, sleep sack on the ground, and he's in my room, 7-0-1.
And I hear the door open.
I'm like, what in God's name?
What's my daughter doing up this early?
And I hear that dun-dun, dun-dun, dun-dun, dun-dun, dun-dun, you know, those
little feet
running up to bed.
I'm like, all right, my daughter does not walk like that.
And I look, open my eye, one eye, and I look over, and he just goes, hey, Dad.
Like it was 2 in the afternoon.
French toast?
Dad?
Dad, French toast?
And I'm like, in a little while, buddy, I'm still sleeping.
And he goes, oh.
And that's it.
Now I'm up.
Because they get into bed.
No matter how big the bed is, they're going to be right on you, pushing their
feet into you
the whole time, breathing loudly.
So it's like, all right, I guess we're up.
And I went downstairs, and I started slinging the French toast.
Anyway, so that was my morning.
Took my daughter to school and all of that.
And then I came home, and I was feeling the cold coming on, so I didn't go to
the gym.
And I was like, all right, you're trying to take time off, Bill.
Because I was like, oh, I don't have to go to the gym.
Yeah, let me try to, I'll go fucking do this.
Yeah, I'll fucking do that.
I go, no, why don't you just fucking actually try to relax and fight off this
cold?
So I go, all right, that's what I'm going to do.
And I sat in that bed.
And within 40 minutes, I went from completely denying my feelings to being neck
deep in whatever
the fuck is wrong with me.
And I'm just like, how high up is this going to go?
Is my head going under?
What is going to happen?
And yeah, that's it.
I sat there for three and a half hours.
I watched, I'd watched a Burt Reynolds movie with my buddy the other night.
I watched Sharky's Machine, which I loved when I was a kid.
It came out when I was 13 years old.
And I went back, and I saw that.
So I was like, all right, I'm going to watch another Burt Reynolds movie.
How do you lay off a Burt Reynolds?
Now, somebody else was telling me that their favorite movie that Burt Reynolds
did was Hooper.
So I was like, I love that movie.
And I saw it when I was a kid.
All right, let me go check that out.
And I watched that one.
You know, Burt Reynolds, Terry Bradshaw.
How do you lay off that?
I will tell you this, though.
Having watched a lot of Burt Reynolds' work, he was a really great actor.
And I just feel like they didn't use him necessarily the right way all the time.
You know what I mean?
They always had him in these sort of, like, comedies and stuff.
But I prefer him way more in, like, Deliverance, Sharky's Machine, Boogie Nights.
I like, I love that side of him.
I mean, believe me, I love Cannonball Run, Smoking the Bandit, Hooper.
I still love those movies.
But I really like the ones where, you know, when Sharky's Machine came out,
they asked him what to describe the movie.
And he called it Dirty Harry in Atlanta.
You know, and it's kind of the best of Burt Reynolds where it's like you get
the humor, you get the action.
But then it's also, like, this really serious story.
And you get to see him, like, you know, doing, like, I don't know, more like a
grounded role rather than just driving some car fast and fucking going over,
you know, doing the Dukes of Hazzard jumps, which I love.
Don't get me wrong.
It's kind of funny that those movies just kind of went away.
Like, when was the last time there was a good car movie?
You know?
Like, I was talking to a buddy of mine about Burt Reynolds.
And he had me dying laughing, talking about, like, dude, I wanted to be that
guy so bad.
Like, he was literally, like, the benchmark of what being a good-looking guy
was for, like, this 10-year period.
And I got to tell you, as a ginger looking at Burt Reynolds, it's going like,
yeah, I ain't ever pulling that off.
I mean, who didn't want to fucking look like that guy?
Jesus Christ.
But I also think that's another thing that kind of pulled me, like, into the
sadness, going back to that time in my life or whatever, like, all that, you
know, you know, that weird shit of your childhood where it was, like, awesome
because you didn't have any bills and you were free.
But then there's all the other bullshit attached to it or whatever.
I also like, but I do like about, like, when I saw Sharky's Machine and then I
saw, what's this, what was the one?
I saw the Michael Mann movie Thief with James Caan.
What I love about that early 80s era is it was such a bad era for American cars
and watching them try to get a cool car for the lead because that was a big
fucking deal back in the day.
What kind of car is this guy going to drive was, I felt, equally as important
as the actor.
You know what I mean?
You know, what did Steve McGarrett drive, you know, in Hawaii Five-0?
What's he going to drive?
All the way through the casino movies, the Bronx Tale.
What's Chaz Palminteri's character going to drive?
Yeah, that's 67, I think it was 66 or 67 Cadillac.
That candy apple red just backing it down the fucking street.
Oh, my God.
I mean, it's just, I mean, I'm in.
I'm fucking in.
I wish they would do that more.
I wish two-tone paint, different colors, and better interiors would come back.
Those infinite options.
I just saw a guy, he had a fucking Dodge Challenger.
I don't know what year it was, but it was fucking badass.
It had the gas cap.
First of all, it looked like, the gas cap alone looked like it weighed like
fucking eight pounds,
and it was sitting on top of the left rear quarter panel, which I thought was
badass.
I mean, that's, to have it there is badass, and then also to have it behind the
license plate.
Like, that's what I remember from being a kid, when they were like running out
of gas and all of that,
allegedly running out, it was literally a gas shortage.
Think about that, 50 years ago, and everybody was in a panic that they were
going to run out of gas,
and I was saying to my grandfather, there's going to be no gas by the time I
learn how to drive.
And, you know, the speed limit, they kept dropping the speed limit.
The speed limit's going to be like 35 miles an hour.
I remember him smoking his pipe going, oh, no, Sean, they'll never, they'll
never drop it down that low