Name: Monday Morning Podcast 2-6-23
Uploaded: 2023-02-07T21:07:35.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 2-6-23' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-02-07. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 2-6-23' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-02-07. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 2-6-23

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for Monday, February 6, 2023.
What's going on? How are ya? How's it going?
Hope everything's going good in your world. My world was going great until I
couldn't get this fucking four-wheeler to start, and it backfired, and now my
ear's ringing even more than it ever did.
I'm hoping that's going to go away. You live, you learn.
Anyway, where to start this week? You know, guys, I just had such a crazy
weekend.
I was watching TV last night, right, and my kids, they think sports are boring,
which is funny to me because I'm totally into them, but they're young.
They want to watch, like, cartoons and stuff. My son actually enjoys, like, car
racing. If he sees the cars, he, you know, he's like, da-da, cool cars, vroom,
vroom.
Like, he does that for a minute, and then he gets, like, bored or whatever.
So anyway, I was watching, I was like, listen, I can only listen to, ya-ba-ba-jee-ba,
ya-ba-ba-boop, see, ba-ba-ba-ba-ba, one more monkey fell off the, how many
fucking times can you listen to that before you start to slowly go insane?
So I'm like, alright, we gotta put on a dad channel now, right?
So we go, you know, I'm flipping through the channels, I'm trying to figure
something out.
I stop on a Jean-Claude Van Damme thing, and my brain said, don't stop on this.
I'm like, it's, ah, it's Jean-Claude.
His stuff wasn't too bad. Let me just take a peek at this movie.
And he was running on top of a train, and he threw some guy off the train.
Well, first of all, my daughter's like, I don't want to watch this, I don't
want to watch this.
So I said, okay, and I hit guide, and I didn't realize it was still in that
little window.
So Jean-Claude Van Damme fucking throws this guy off the train, and my daughter
just, like, freaked out.
I felt like an asshole, and I had to be like, no, it wasn't a real guy.
I mean, it was a real guy, but it's not like, you know, it's a movie or
whatever.
And she's just like, well, I just want to see if he's okay.
And I'm just sitting there.
That is the sweetest thing I've ever heard in my life.
And, like, what happens?
How do human beings go from that?
I don't know.
You know what's funny?
Some kids are already assholes, just, like, right out of the gate.
You know what I mean?
Like, you can't teach that.
Well, actually, you can with your fucking parents' behavior.
So I felt bad about that.
I gave her a hug.
I explained what was going on.
And I said, you know, those guys actually make a living.
Stunt, man.
At least back in the day they did.
I don't know about now with the green screens and Tom Cruise.
I don't think there's any fucking work left.
So we were flipping through, and I got to SportsCenter.
And I saw that Kyrie Irving got traded from the Brooklyn Nets to the Dallas Mavericks.
Shout out to the Brooklyn Nets for being like, fuck you, you're not going to
the Lakers.
I wish more teams would do that.
You know what I mean?
I mean, how many fucking years are the Lakers going to have a star player that
pouts, and
then they just bring in every fucking free agent in the world for the guy?
You know, I mean, what is there, a fucking rule that everybody eventually has
to play for
the fucking Lakers?
I better be honest with you, though.
I'm going to tell you this.
Like, I am going to slowly just get out of being into sports, because there was
this 30
for 30 on the other night about that great Ravens team in 2000 that won the
Cleveland Browns
slash Baltimore Ravens first Super Bowl at Modell.
And they were doing this whole thing where they had all the guys that played on
the
team doing this retrospective, watching video, and, you know, 20 years later,
whatever.
I don't know.
Sarah Goose was still there, rest his soul.
So, I know he died a few years ago.
So, I don't know when it was.
Some, probably last decade.
And they were looking back, talking about it, telling all these funny stories,
and it
was all this great video and everything.
And they had a playoff game.
Playoffs?
Playoffs?
You kidding me?
Playoffs.
We'll be lucky if we get first down.
They played the Tennessee Titans.
And right before the game, playoff game, the Tennessee Titans, one of their
assistant
coaches stole the playbook.
Stole the fucking playbook, and everyone on the Titans side was fine with it,
and they
looked at the playbook, and they knew everything that they were fucking doing.
They still lost the game.
But, once again, this is just, as a Patriots fan, I'm like, where the fuck was
Playbook
Gate?
Where was all of that shit?
Why do people now, you know, why don't people fucking hold their feet to the
fire?
It's just fucking...
Anyway, and what I'm starting to kind of realize is that, you know what I mean?
Because, like, if you stole the playbook, like, what sort of fucking
satisfaction do you
have winning that game?
Like, what kind of a fucking person are you that you stole the playbook, right?
A guy in your organization steals the fucking playbook, and then you're kicking
this team's
ass, because you know everything that they're going to do.
And let's just say they went on to win the game, right?
And then you go to the press conference, you just had a really great game,
defense, and
you're just going to sit there being like, well, you know, our defense, you
know, I told
them they really had to step it up this week, and everybody's just going to go
along with
the bullshit.
Everyone's just going to go along with the bullshit, because there's so much
money, so much
like, accolades, so many fucking whores at the end of winning that game and
possibly
winning a Super Bowl, that you can go to bed and be okay with that.
I don't know, the longer I watch sports, and the more I watch these guys talk
about sports,
and you just see shit that people do, and pretend their headsets went out when
they didn't really
go out, because they called all the plays in the first half, and all of that
shit, the
more I just watch this shit, and now you see that they're...
in bed, you can like, they're making money off of sports gambling, and I guess
they're
all kind of like, registered as entertainment leagues.
I thought it was just the NFL.
It's just starting to make me think like, what the fuck am I watching here?
Look, I'm not going to be the guy that says it's all fucking fixed.
I've just maintained for a while that it is a business, and certain teams get
more ratings
than other teams.
The Lakers, evidently, fucking Mr. Stern there, who's your dream final?
Lakers versus the Lakers.
He said that.
Right?
That shady motherfucker who leaked the Donahue story so they could get out in
front of it
and all of that shit.
I believe all of that stuff.
I don't know, man.
Like, I always bitch that I don't have any free time.
What if I just walked away from sports, okay?
And was just left with my own demons, and I had to work those out, and then I
had to actually
figure out who I am as a person.
Or I could continue down this road and tell you guys that I saw a clip of an
interview with
Patrick Mahomes' dad, and he seems like the coolest dude on earth and also
seems like just
like a throwback.
Like, they don't make guys like that anymore.
Like, that guy sounds like guys sounded like when I was growing up.
Just sounded like the coolest dude ever.
So, that was funny, because I was sitting there going, who do I want to win?
Because, you know, I don't give a shit about either team.
I don't know.
That's the great thing, though, about this.
You know, my team had a great run a couple of decades there, and it sucks that
we kind
of suck now, but this time of year is actually kind of enjoyable, I find.
Where it's just like, ah, it's not my team.
I don't have to get, I can just sit here and eat dip and enjoy this shit.
Oh, it's going to be phenomenal.
If you're rated, your team not making the playoffs, then you can just enjoy the
playoffs.
I got, like, most of my friends out here, a lot of 49er fans.
Who else?
Mainly 49er fans.
And, like, they were in a walking depression for, like, three fucking days
after that game.
And I'm sitting there, well, I know what the fuck that feels like.
You think that's bad?
Try losing a Super Bowl.
Oh, the Super Bowl losses.
The Bears.
Oh.
The Packers.
The Giants.
The Giants again.
The Eagles one was just weird, though.
We'll tell you that.
The Eagles one was like, what the fuck did I just watch?
There was, like, one punt the whole game.
Anyway, listen to me.
I'm just babbling on, like, that person that you, like, you know, you pretend
to be asleep
next to when you're on a plane, and they just sit there talking to the side of
your face.
Here I am, 10 minutes in.
Done nothing but talk about sports for the most part, other than shitty kids, I
believe.
All right, here's the deal.
I think the Kansas City Chiefs are going to win.
I think in order for the Eagles to win for some reason, I just feel like Jalen
Hurts is
going to have to have the Vince Young versus USC game, which he very well could.
I don't know.
I got two kids.
I barely watch this shit anymore.
I just, I like the BTK Killers brother, Andy Reid, just them being there before,
and I think
KC actually has a halfway decent defense, which they usually don't.
Their defense usually sucks, but they're actually playing pretty good, so I don't
know.
I have no idea.
I'm going to root for the Eagles, though, just because I hate the fucking purse
throw.
It's a forward lateral.
I think there's enough advantages.
You know what I should do?
I'm going to post this picture of Ben Davidson tackling Bob Greasy.
It's a classic NFL photo of what you used to be able, they used to try to break
quarterbacks
in half, like literally, like they wanted to snap you in half at the fucking
waist and
have you carried off in a stretcher like you were on a battlefield.
I don't know.
Anyway, so that's the deal.
Kyrie Irving went to the Dallas Mavericks.
And I don't know.
Am I happy about that?
I don't give a fuck.
Do I give a fuck?
I don't think I give a fuck anymore.
Maybe I could just be that guy.
Hey, Bill, maybe you could stop being so self-involved
and talk about something else.
All right, I got something for you.
This weekend, me and a buddy of mine
went to go see Paul Anka at this theater
that nobody seems to know how to pronounce.
I think it's S-A-B-A-N or S-A-B-B-A-N or E-N.
And I never, is it the S-A-B-A-N?
The S-A-B-A-N?
The S-A-B-A-N.
The S-A-B-A-N.
I don't know how to say it.
But I went there to go see Paul Anka.
He has one of my favorite albums of all time.
This guy, you know, he wrote the theme of The Tonight Show.
He wrote the lyrics to My Way,
the whole arrangement and all that
for when Frank was going to retire in 71.
He wrote songs for Sammy Davis Jr.
He wrote songs for Barbra Streisand.
And oh, by the way, he wrote a bunch of songs for himself.
The guy was born in 1941.
I think he made it by the time he was 15.
He's been famous for like 70 fucking years.
Been singing his ass off for 70 years.
And this guy came out there,
and I'm telling you right now,
like, have you ever seen Tony Bennett,
how Tony Bennett sounds like he did in the 1960s still?
Like, one of the only guys ever.
Paul Anka's the same way.
He absolutely, absolutely destroyed.
He destroyed.
Me and my buddy were just looking at each other.
First of all, we just kept going,
he wrote this song too?
And then he would sing it like the recording.
He did this thing where he did a video thing
where he was showing Sammy Davis Jr.
and a song he wrote for him.
And Sammy was singing the song.
And Paul comes in and sings the high harmony on it at 81
that Sam is singing like 40, 50 years ago.
Absolutely killed.
Was in incredible shape.
You could tell.
He looked thrilled to be there.
I'm not going to tell you too many things
because I don't want to, you know,
go see the show.
I'll tell you this.
If you got a,
you got something coming up, you know,
that you got to take your wife to
or something like that.
You're just like a nice,
classy ev