Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-16-23
Uploaded: 2023-02-16T18:02:51.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-16-23' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-02-16. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-16-23' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-02-16. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-16-23

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon,
just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you.
Once again, we have a guest. This is like we have guests all through February.
How do I intro this son of a bitch? This guy I've known for like 30, coming up
on 31 years.
He literally, the first time I ever did stand-up, it was a comedy competition,
Find Boston's Funniest College Students.
It was a competition. They needed judges. This guy was one of the judges. He
literally saw the first time I went on stage.
And amazing comedian, and he has a new book out called Billionaire Boogeyman,
which I've been reading.
It's a fucking page turner. Please welcome the one and only Todd Parker, dude.
Todd Parker, what's going on, man?
Bill Burr, how you doing?
I'm good, man.
Good to see you. How come, let's, you know, let's just fucking address it.
All right, all right.
Right out of the gate.
Here we go.
What was it about my set on March 2nd, 1992, that just fucking made you not
pick me, and you picked somebody else?
What was it? What did you not see?
It was 92. Puppets were not in at that time.
I thought, you know what? It wasn't even a good puppet. It's like made out of
paper cups and shit, and I'm like, eh.
Come on. I didn't have that. I did have a dental mask, though, for a while.
You were technically a prop act.
And you know what's funny?
What?
Was you were the guy that made me realize that I, that, because back then, dude,
how rigid were the, were the, um, did the lines back then?
Like, you couldn't fucking do anything. It was so weird. Like, it started off,
like, Milton Berle, 40 years early, as in like a fucking dress on TV, you know,
totally in drag, anything for a laugh.
And by the time, 1992, it literally became, you know, if you moved around too
much, you were a hack. It was like, dude, you should just be able to stand
there, without even moving, and just say your jokes, and fucking kill.
Absolutely.
So, I, I had a, uh, I worked in a dental office with my dad. My dad. And, um, I
had, like, this, this, this thing, when you were drilling people's teeth, all
this shit would come out of their mouth.
It was fucking disgusting. And the nerve people have to hate the dentist, the
way they don't even take care of their teeth.
And you come in, and you, you fix them. And they're like, oh, they, they blame
you for the pain, right?
So, it was a fucking, like, a tennis visor, and it had, it was all plastic, and
it had this clear plastic, like a welding mask.
And that was my closing bit. I would be like, you know, talking about working
in a dental office, I mean, my job's so fucked up, I'd be like, I have to wear
this.
And I would put it on, and the crowd would go nuts, of course. And then I had
no joke.
And then I would have it on, and I would go, goodnight, everybody.
You had a joke. I remember a joke. You had a line. You had a line about, uh,
people not taking care.
You think one Tic Tac in the lobby is gonna cover up six months of regret?
No, no, uh, no, that wasn't the mask joke. The mask was, I just put it on, that
was, uh, I'll give you guys a hint.
Yeah, what was it, uh, 20 years neglect is not cured by a Tic Tac in the
waiting room.
That's right. That's what I said. I said, you think you got it bad? You know,
you don't brush your teeth, you don't have any idea what that smells like?
Let me tell you something. He goes, 20 years of neglect is not cured by a Tic
Tac in the waiting room.
Because that's what they all be doing, they're chewing and putting these
fucking breath, all these fucking garbage mouth people.
I didn't shame you about it, though.
Dude, I had another joke on my act. This guy came into the office and he said,
uh, he said, Doc, you know, I keep getting these cavities.
I don't know what, I mean, I brush my teeth almost every day.
And then my line in my act was, oh, yeah, do you wipe your ass almost every
time you take a shit?
And I was working totally clean.
And then I didn't know, he'd be like, oh, look at this wholesome Ron Howard
looking guy.
And then I would, do you wipe your ass almost every time you take a shit?
Good night, everybody.
And I would always do that.
So anyway, I fucking had that goddamn mask.
And you were the guy, and we were upstairs at the Kowloon.
And I sat down, because I remember I had a little duffel bag.
I would bring it up on.
It was so fucking bad, dude.
So embarrassing.
So I literally said to you, like, you were like, hey, dude, how's it going?
You know, fucking Todd Parker.
Hey, dude, how's it going?
Wow, it sounds just like me.
And I was like, yeah, it's going good.
You know, I was like, you know, I kind of stopped doing that dental mask thing.
You know, I was kind of thinking, like, you know, it's kind of like, I'm so not
funny that I have to bring stuff on stage to make me funny.
And you just went, yeah.
And when you said that, dude, like, literally my heart sunk.
I'm like, oh, my God, everybody thinks I'm a fucking hack.
Oh, what a dick.
I'm sorry.
My career's over.
You're not alone.
I had props at the beginning, too.
You know, I had two props when I first started out.
The first thing, my first few times, I, at the time, all the rage in the 80s
were guys driving Irox, right?
You know, honking at girls.
I was every, I mean, such a great car.
Yeah.
But.
Such a great car.
I had a, I had a bike horn that I had under my shirt and you couldn't see it.
I was way skinny back then and you just couldn't see it.
So I would do an impression of these Italian guys who drive Irox.
Like, how do they honk at girls when they don't have the car?
Like, what are they in the mall?
And I go, eh, eh, like that.
And it always got a laugh.
Yes.
But I think, like, maybe Tony V was one of the early guys who went, hmm.
Like I did to you.
Like, hmm, yeah.
So I was like, oh, props are bad.
What about the night you forgot the horn?
And you're like, oh, fuck.
I can't, I can't do the joke.
And then you're just like, and I got to cover this time and I don't have enough.
I need the not having an Irox horn in my pants joke.
Terror.
Terror.
30% of my five minutes.
Yeah, it was terror.
So we all, we both, the two of us started, you started a couple of years.
When did you start?
87, 88?
88.
88.
So I started in 92.
So you were a grizzled vet to me.
God, this guy's been doing it four years by the time I started.
And that was back when Nick's Comedy Stop was just the fucking place to be.
And I was talking about that earlier.
It was like this great sort of also weird time in Boston where like the, the
theater district,
the combat zone, which is where all the hookers and pimps and drug addicts and
all that shit
were.
And then Chinatown all sort of like overlapped each other.
And you walked out and you had no idea what you were going to run into.
It was like, I'm going to get some comedy.
I see a good show.
Am I going to get a hooker?
Am I going to get stabbed?
Am I going to get some great Chinese food?
Right.
Yeah.
Dominic's was like the barn's dollars.
I know.
Everything was in there.
There were cops.
There were hookers.
There were bikers.
Yeah.
And it was sort of like this Switzerland where the hookers could come in.
Yes.
Chill.
Everybody knew who everybody was.
Right.
And then the comics, Noxie, rest his soul, everybody else, they would be in
that corner.
And that was like a big deal for me.
Like not only because, you know, when you're first a new comic, you would walk
in the front
door and there was that big guy sitting there.
I know he's not here anymore.
That was Dominic.
That was Dominic.
That was Dominic.
Yeah.
Dude, that guy looked like Porky from fucking the movie Porky's.
He did.
And he was one of those guys who sat with his fucking legs like this.
The fat was the shirt.
The fat was the pants.
And then these two little skinny legs.
And he used to sit there and he had like that cane.
Hey, how old are you?
Hold it up.
All right.
Get in there.
And when you were a young comic, you would walk in the front door.
But when you started to get, I remember the first time I walked over there, Noxie
was
just like, hey, you know, good set tonight, buddy.
Why don't you come over to the, uh, come over to Damage with us.
And I walked with him and somebody else.
They were all like six foot something.
Those original comics.
Huge guys, yeah.
Big guys.
And they walked through the back door.
I was like, oh my God, I'm going through the back door.
And you walk in and it was like, clearly just fucking all of, of what you just
mentioned.
And then all of the customers in future arrests, all the Johns.
Yeah.
Like everybody was just like, all right, let me take a break before I get
another blowjob.
Yeah.
And there was always some couple who came in there by accident, you know, like
the people
who had theater tickets.
Right.
Who walked across the street from the show and they walk in and they're
surrounded all
of a sudden by Lara Pucci and bikers and hookers and cops and everybody's just
laughing
and loud.
And they were like, could we get a, you know, a screwdriver or whatever?
Coming out of like the wang, which kind of brings me to this book here.
What a segue.
Wow.
What a segue.
This is his new book, Billionaire Boogeyman, which has everything that, oh, let
me, there
you go.
Everything that I love in it.
It's got the Illuminati.
It's got conspiracy theory.
It's got fucking Bilderberg group type of stuff.
All the conspiracies all jammed in this book.
And where I am in the book, it takes place, right, seems like down there, Warrington
Street,
Stewart Street, all of that shit right down there, Nick's comedy stuff.
So what, since I've known you, you've never been a novelist, dude.
At what point did you sit down?
Because I know you've done standup.
You've painted.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You're like, you're like this sort of low key triple threat here.
Now all of a sudden you wrote a book and I'm sitting there going like, oh my
God, Todd
Parker.
He writes?
That fucking jerk off from the Kowloon.
That fucking kid can read from Revere, really?
Yeah.
I started reading it on the plane.
I'm like, it fucking destroyed the flight.
I just, I killed it.
I just kept reading.
That was great.
Thanks, man.
Thank you.
I appreciate it.
It's an actual, it's an actual, I hate how you just said thanks.
It squeaked.
It bugged me.
It did.
Yeah.
It bugged me too.
As soon as it came out, I'm like, he's going to, he's going to jump on that.
It makes me not want to promote your book.
He's not going to let that go.
I'm not going to promote your book.
You know what it was?
It was the happiness.
There was joy in it.
You can't stand other people being so joyful.
No.
As comedians, our rule is we have to, we have to lay, I got to kill that right
now.
Right.
What was it about the guy that you didn't vote for that night 30 years ago?
31 years ago.
You know what?
I wish.
I wish.
Liking the book that made you so excited.
Because you knew it was a legitimate compliment because you've known for years.
I was like, one of these days.
You've been grudging on me for 31 years.
I wish I could go back in time.
And I tell people this story.
Whenever anybody asks, like, hey, do you know Bill Burr?
Like when it comes out, I'm a Boston comic.
I'm like, yeah, as a matter of fact.
And I tell them and they're like.
It's not what you say.
Yeah, I know that fucking heck.
That son of a bitch used to bring a dental mask on stage.
No.
I have to navigate carefully when I talk about you.
Why?
Because it goes into like, so, wait, he used to open for you?
Really?
Yeah.
Well then, okay.
So you're here.
Chuck chucks and he's way up there.
How did that happen?
So I want to avoid all that.
You know how that happens?
Because this business isn't fair.
Oh, stop it.
You're just being humble and nice.
It's random.
Come on.
Save that for the...
Listen, first of all, you know I'm not nice.
That's not true.
You've got the image.
But I know underneath it all, you're a caring, sensitive guy.
It comes out.
I know.
You don't 