Name: Monday Morning Podcast 3-2-23
Uploaded: 2023-03-02T20:20:09.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 3-2-23' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-03-02. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 3-2-23' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-03-02. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 3-2-23

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the thursday afternoon
just before friday
monday morning podcast you know what fuck this fucking podcast i swear to god i
my fucking
stupid ass fucking thing never fucking works for i i gotta record it on my
phone this fucking thing
the computer it has like an echo voice i can't get rid of it and i can't even
forward
the fucking shit that i did so i gotta start all over again i don't have the
fucking time to do it
i just don't i don't i swear to god this fucking technology shit how does it
make your life
easier i literally every fucking thing before you go to bed you gotta fucking
spend 700 on
fucking electricity making sure every fucking thing is charged or you can't
record you can't
fucking do anything look at this fucking shit this isn't even a podcast you're
just listening to me
losing my fucking mind about the nine millionth time and now my fucking laptop
which i only got
a year and a half ago it's already starting to slow down you know it's already
starting to fucking
slow down oh yeah it's obsolete is it you fucking apple cunts
do you think there's ever going to be a time when any sort of politician grows
some fucking balls
and the general population gets their fucking heads out of their asses and they
stop rooting for
republicans and democrats and realize that these fucking stupid ass spineless
fucking politicians
who only give a fuck about whatever golden parachute they're going to get from
the corporate cunt that's
fucking paying them to push whatever agenda they have through the fucking
machine oh i'm on a rant here
you know somebody just told me why la la has like the most expensive fucking
real estate
i guess we just surpassed san francisco somehow a city with no fucking water
supply
is global warming is is every fucking is is gonna destroy this place for some
reason nobody i know can
afford a fucking house out here anymore and they finally just said there's
corporation groups out
here that are just buying up houses for cash to then turn around and rent them
so basically they'll
outbid any normal fucking person out here so essentially the last part of the
american dream being able to
own a house is gonna go away and these politicians are just gonna sit back and
let them fucking do it
because the same fucking corporation that's buying up all of those houses is
gonna fucking line the
pockets of these fucking piece of shit politicians they're all fucking scumbags
every fucking one of
them unless you know you know you realize a politician isn't a scumbag he's
called this he's immediately
branded a socialist or a communist if he wants to do anything anything for the
people if he wants to
fucking you know take on the bankers and have them be fucking accountable if he
wants to do anything on
that fuck oh this guy's a fucking socialist and all you fucking mouth-breathing
morons believe it
i you know what i really enjoy actually the fact that they shit on communism
and they act like
capitalism is working like capitalism works that we we are we are so fucking
broke
it doesn't even like every august no one pays attention to it all of the
politicians just sit
around going like is this it is this the end of the country and at the last
second they go ah print more money
right and then everything why is it like fucking 9 50 for one slice of bread
i'll tell you why it's because that guy doesn't have on the right colored tie
ah sorry all right i'm done let's get back to bread and circus we'll talk about
how well the boston
bruins are playing i just can't fucking believe it man i just cannot fucking
believe you know i
went out here i got this fucking set up out here in my garage everything's all
fucking set up and
you just think like okay i'm good i'm good nope nope you're not good you're not
fucking good you know
what you're never going to be good it's never going to fucking work this
fucking thing has worked 20
of the time since i've had it you know and then for some reason i have a
charger for the fucking
the the the the the the hard drive fucking part of it but i don't have no i
have one for the keyboard
but not for the mouse it's the same fucking cord so i gotta go out and go buy
another fucking cord
right so i can plug that thing to make sure everything's all charged up and
then you
know what happens you know what happens the power goes out the whole thing gets
wiped clean and then
i gotta sit around i gotta start all over again with this thing fuck this thing
fuck all of this
un-fucking-believable
unbelievable yeah so that's what they're doing now corporations are buying up
houses corporations
are buying up houses so the regular joe can't buy a house and guess what
republicans don't care
democrats don't care nobody fucking cares none of them give a fuck all they
want is their house
in martha's vineyard or their fucking aquifers in the south south america that's
all they give a
fuck about they're in it for themselves we had some fucking rich out here
running for office
everybody thought that he was going to be the savior people are so dumb it's
like the guy's a real
estate developer he spends a hundred million dollars of his own money to get a
job that pays 250 grand a
year and everybody oh it's because he likes la that much jesus wake the fuck up
he's spending a hundred million so he can give his own company four billion in
real estate jobs
well you know those jobs are going to create our jobs oh jesus christ
no they're going to grossly underpay you and then the corporation itself is
going to go out and buy
houses and outbid you in cash
so how do you fight back against it you know what don't sell your house to a
corporation how about that
how about that how about you do one for the regular guy and you take the offer
from the hard work and
you're not going to do it you're not going to do it because that that's how
capitalism works
fuck everybody else below me i'm getting mine that's how it works and it doesn't
work
communism doesn't none of them work none of them work because all forms of
government are run by human
beings and we're all flawed that's what it is and you know who you can blame
you can blame god for that
because that's how he makes people he takes every each and every one of us out
of the oven too early
and then we come down here and we're all fucked up and we just do crazy shit i
think he just sits
back and fucking enjoys it all right so every religion and all your dumb songs
to this invisible guy
who didn't make your right to begin with that's how up you are you're actually
singing songs to
somebody who made who did a bad job on you oh this is how far i take it this is
how far
i take my little podcast studio not running not working the way that i want to
work and it maybe
if i took fucking 10 minutes and slowed down my scatterbrain i could actually
learn how it worked
and i could maybe you know charge my mouse and fucking figure it out you know
and not have
this psycho echo on my voice and and i don't even know what
why doesn't it interest me i have absolutely no interest in any of that
shit laptops iphones all of this shit but all of the world runs on them so i
have to interact with
them and i'll tell you this dude if i see that fucking robot going down the
street one more time i just
like i i literally watched this old guy having to slow down and speed up his
gate
this homeless guy trying to get around this robot as the robot was trying to
negotiate the
fucking uneven sidewalks
and he's already like subservient to the thing he's treating it like it's a
person
and like well hey you know i don't want to bump into this this is somebody else's
property and blah blah
blah blah blah blah you know and when you look at those two things
you know that other person actually has empathy unlike that fucking toaster
rolling down the
fucking street but the toaster doesn't want to be part of a union and doesn't
want weekends and
holidays off so that fucking nice guy is he's going to become extinct that's
what's going to happen
maybe that's what i'll do i'll just enjoy
you know these rich cunts
it's just i don't know you know another thing too is i had a really good friend
of mine die
um i got to give a shout out to diana linden um
who was remember when i ever talked about how i had this jedi masseuse she got
rid of my sciatic nerve
problems she my back was all twisted my shoulders up rotator cup frozen
shoulder all of that she got
rid of all of that the quality of life that i got because she was an absolute
jedi next level
um masseuse who just did everything for everybody else and you know
always put everybody before herself she just was an amazing person and she
passed away uh yesterday
at the ripe old age of 75. i know what you're thinking you're thinking like
your masseuse
was 75 strong like bull oh my god her elbow she'd have me coming up off the
table because
i i mean i literally came in there maybe having gotten five half-ass massages
in my life i came
in with like almost half a century of problems and she gradually undid all of
them most of which that
if i went to a doctor they would they would have operated on my back or my
shoulders and all of that
shit you know they staple your fucking rotator cuffs back to get all of this
shit that they do or whatever she was able to um
work all of that out everybody told me i was going to have sciatic nerve
problems for the rest of my life
and uh i didn't because of her and her wonderful work and unfortunately she
passed away yesterday so
rest in peace diana um i love you you were the best thank you for everything
you did for me and you've
made my life the quality of my life i'll be forever thankful to you um
anyway so i went to a um a premiere of um the uh the mandalorian
on uh tuesday they showed us the first two episodes of this season and i think
all you
star wars freaks are going to be more than happy i can tell you that um i will
tell you star wars fans
are fucking cool you know what i mean their energy like when you go down there
they're really polite
they're kind of quiet and a little awkward it is just the exact opposite energy
that i get when i
meet the usual sports fan who's a meathead like me it's like they're like loud
aggressive
yeah star wars fans like hey uh mr purr i just i don't want to bother you i
really enjoy what
you work on the mandalorian i'm like oh thanks a lot i really appreciate it
and then they reach behind themselves like bugs bunny and pull out like a mandalorian
helmet like
where the did that come from and then sports fans oh they'll be like driving by
by hey billy fat
tits go yourself
do you know how many times that has happened to me when and there's been other
people on the sidewalk
and they'll just hear somebody like insult the out of me and tell me to go
myself
and then i turn around i go hey how you doing thank you
it's kind of my favorite thing i was actually um i had an acting gig one time
i forget which one i was whatever the one i don't even know where the hell i
was i was in some city
and like for the third time on the shoot like somebody had driven by and yelled
and told me
to go myself and i turned around and waved and the actress that i was working
with just started
laughing and she goes she goes is that how your fans like your your fans love
you but they say really
mean stuff to you i was like yeah i know i know i kind of uh kind of created
that culture on my podcast
and it just became like this running joke and then people on the sets hey bill
go yourself
hey good morning um anyway here's something else that i learned that i'm trying
to learn
is um you know like most comedians or performers i have this crushing need to
be liked
and um i never really examined it and i now realize that you know it just comes
from you know hey if
somebody likes me then they're not gonna hurt me you know like that type of
shit so it's uh it's actually
a weakness so i'm trying to get rid of that and i and i'm really starting to be
okay with lik