Name: Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-23
Uploaded: 2023-03-13T18:12:29.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-23' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-03-13. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-23' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-03-13. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-23

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for Monday!
Monday, Monday, March 13th, 2023. How are you? How is your March going?
You know, it's unlucky March 13th. Doesn't have to be a Friday.
Why did that always happen? Friday the 13th. Oh, wait a minute. Was that
because Jesus? Did Jesus get whacked on a Friday?
He did, didn't he? And then three days later, he came back. No, it would have
been on Monday.
Saturday, Sunday, Monday.
Now, you got to do it on the weekend when people are around to see the rock
rollback, right?
You can't do it on a Monday. Everybody's at fucking work.
Although they had slaves back then, so they probably never gave them a fucking
day off.
So probably Monday didn't make much of a difference.
Did they go to church on Sunday before Jesus?
What was going on? Didn't that was back when they, like, fucking had the tree
God, and the fucking grass God, the sky God, the God of the rains?
You know, when God was more diversified?
You know?
And then all those pedophiles all got together, and they were like, no, no, no.
There's only one God, and we talked to him.
And everybody was like, yeah, no, I'm not doing that shit.
And they go, all right, well, then we're going to fucking torture you to death.
You know?
Because we're super religious, and we're trying to...
This is all old shit.
Everybody's gone through this, Bill.
Shut the fuck up.
Okay, sorry.
I don't know what...
Why is Friday the 13th unlucky?
I'm going to say it was Jesus.
You know?
You know what a bunch of great days, it seems, is Buddha.
There's really nothing like, you know, he didn't have to fucking...
There's always something, there's a drought, you know?
There was always something.
They always kind of went through something, and Buddha's just...
Buddha's, you know, he's a gamer.
Sitting on the couch.
This big belly, eating some fucking Fritos or whatever.
Old school Fritos, back when it was real Fritos, not this synthetic Fritos shit.
All right, hang on a second.
Why is Friday...
What are your guests?
You got your Friday the 13th brackets ready?
Friday the 13th unlucky.
Here we go.
And the first answer.
Oh my God.
CNN, this is going to be like a 20 fucking page.
You know, there's a Friday every week.
Fucking 10 minutes later.
Can you just answer the fucking question?
Here we go.
Why is Friday the 13th unlucky?
You typed.
According to biblical traditions, 13 guests attended the Last Supper.
Held on Maundy Thursday.
Maundy Thursday.
Yada.
What the fuck?
M-A-U-N-D-Y.
Including Jesus and his 12 apostles.
One of whom betrayed Judas, betrayed him.
See, the math doesn't work out on that.
So if one guy was a cunt and the other 11 looked the other way, how do you
include Jesus on that?
The next day, of course, was Good Friday.
Oh, he did die on a Thursday.
The day of Jesus' crucifixion.
On the third day, he rose again.
So he came back on a Monday.
That's a pretty good work ethic.
Took the weekend off.
Yeah, listen.
Yeah, you got to go back down there.
What is Maundy?
See, this is like what happens.
You know, I was talking to Joe Bartnick this weekend.
We were both laughing about the word meta.
And for the life of me, I just can't fucking remember what it means.
And then when somebody explains it to me, I still don't get it.
It's like, what is meta?
It means, oh, it's commenting on itself.
And it's like, okay, what does that mean?
All right, Maundy.
Can somebody just, in layman's terms, meaning dumb person terms,
can you explain to me what that means?
Because that's, oh, yeah, did you see it?
Oh, it's so meta.
It's aware of itself.
Okay, we're getting closer.
Okay, the ceremonial washing of the feet of poor persons
in the commemoration of Jesus, washing of his disciples' feet.
Wait, I'm Christian.
I don't know this.
Do we wash poor people's feet?
Not where I live.
They're like, when you get this fucking tense city out of here,
they can take their tents and their dirty feet
and take a fucking hike.
That's how it happens out here in Los Angeles, right?
They need to do something about the homeless.
When people say that, not help them.
They mean, get the fuck out of here.
All right, held on Maundy Thursday.
Okay, 13 guests attended the Last Supper, held on Maundy Thursday.
So they were out washing poor people's feet.
God, how dirty were feet back then?
Jesus, in the year 32, like those must have been some, you know,
and you didn't have any, there was no brushes.
Oh, boy.
Did they have soap back then?
Including, this is how you just lose half a fucking day on the internet.
Including Jesus and his 12 apostles, one of whom was Judas.
Judas betrayed him.
All right, wait a second.
This is the last one I'm going to ask,
because I'm just going to get on with my fucking life here.
All right.
By the way, I'm up to Pimsleur level five of my French,
and I'm getting my ass kicked in the past and future tenses.
Somewhere along the line, I missed something,
and I'm just really getting killed,
so I've got to, like, stop and figure out what's going on.
I think I need to get a tutor again.
All right.
When was soap invented?
2,800 B.C.
All right.
Okay, there we go.
All right.
Evidence has been found.
Oh, my God.
Can you imagine somebody digging around in the dirt
and just being able to know that?
Look at this.
What is this?
I don't know.
A stone?
No, no.
I think this is prehistoric soap.
How the fuck would you know that?
And then you can kind of predict the year?
I don't know.
See, this is why,
when there's people that level smart out there,
which is what really makes most of the internet confusing to me.
But that's part of being dumb.
Part of being dumb is you think you fucking know shit.
Like,
I went to 12 fucking years of grade school,
you know,
had a little bit of college,
or maybe even had college,
just walking around.
I just fucking know shit.
This guy doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about.
This is one of my favorite things I heard growing up.
This guy doesn't know what the fuck,
what did he say?
He doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about.
How come he doesn't know what he's talking about?
He's in that field.
Because he said,
he gave me an answer I didn't want to hear.
Hence,
he doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about.
It's really amazing.
All right.
All right.
Strongest since 2015.
Oh,
that's what I wanted to talk about.
I've been going back to the gym.
I'm back.
I am the strongest I have been since 2015
when I first fucked up my shoulders.
I am ecstatic.
I am gradually working my way
through being able to climb up a rope again
like I used to do back in the day,
getting some grip strength,
pull-ups,
all of that shit.
I've lost most of my COVID weight.
The other night I did a show
and I busted out some shirt
I haven't worn like three,
four years.
I know what you're thinking.
Hey,
Bill,
wasn't a little out of style.
I've always been out of style.
You know?
You know what's funny?
It was one of those
Western style shirts
that had like snaps on it,
which I was in shape
to wear that shirt standing up.
But when I sat down,
you know,
when you wear a shirt with snaps on,
it like if you're fat
or too fat for the shirt,
it like bunches up
and then,
you know,
your mistakes
kind of poke through.
Sitting there after my show
hanging out with some people
thinking,
you know,
all right,
that was a good show.
These people had a good time,
whatever.
And then I just looked down
and I just saw,
you know,
a box of Girl Scout cookies
fucking poking out of my shirt.
I was just like,
yeah,
God,
I'm a fucking loser.
But,
I've been really,
I've been doing really well.
Like,
I am,
somebody finally explained
what sugar does to your body
and I have that in my head
every time I think of doing
something stupid.
Like,
I went out with my lovely wife today
doing what I wanted to do
during this break,
going out to dinner with her,
seeing movies or whatnot.
And,
went to this great restaurant
and in the end she wanted to order,
she goes,
ah,
he goes,
you want to split a dessert?
And I was like,
no,
I'm off,
I'm off the sugar.
It spikes your glucose
and when your glucose is spiked,
it stops,
it stops burning fat.
And then you just sort of retain it,
something like that.
The guy said something like that.
I just don't,
I just know I don't want to spike my glucose.
If I did that,
I would be meta.
And somebody have to wash my feet
on fucking,
wash your dirty feet Thursdays.
That'd be a good thing for guys to do.
Like,
every Thursday,
fucking take a bath
and scrub your fucking toenails.
You know what I mean?
Women go.
Women go to the,
the foot place,
right?
They're allowed to do that.
You can't do that as a guy,
at least as a white guy.
It's really looked down on pun.
I will tell you,
black guys do it though.
At least the black guys
I was hanging out with.
A long time ago
when I did the Rich Bitch Tour
with the late,
great Charlie Murphy,
Don L. Rawlings.
Rich Murphy was on it.
I remember one day
they were all going to the spa
to get fucking their nails done.
I swear to God.
And I was laughing
and they're going,
no man,
you should come man.
Fucking dirty ass white boy
walking around with them.
I'm like,
what's wrong with my nails?
They're clean.
I'm like,
no,
you got to get like a manicure.
So,
you know,
I was a fan
of the Pope of Greenwich Village
and I remember
when Mickey Rourke
was sitting in the barbershop.
What killed me was
he looked so clean
but he was smoking a cigarette
so you know instantly
he smelt like a fucking ashtray
but he had this great suit on.
He had fucking great
lead in a movie actor hair
and then he was getting
a haircut or something like that,
the shave and everything
and someone was doing his nails
because he was going to go down
and talk to Bedbug Eddie
so I'm like,
all right,
I like the Pope of Greenwich Village,
all right,
I'll go down
and I'll do this stuff.
It was fucking hilarious.
I sat across from these guys
as they had their hands
like soaking in the thing.
I was fucking,
I was probably the most immature
I've ever been.
I was just laughing my ass off
the entire time
and then I got,
the only time I've ever
gotten a manicure
and I couldn't wait
to scrape that shit
off my fingers.
Like when we did the show
that night,
I was waiting for someone
in the crowd
to yell,
you got your nails done?
Just start getting heckled.
It was really outside
my wheelhouse.
I don't even know
how I even started
talking about this.
Oh yeah,
every Thursday,
you know,
that's a big thing though.
I'll tell you
younger fellas out there,
you younger guys,
you know,
you hook up with some broad,
you don't want to have
like dirty toenails.
You know,
if you got clean feet,
that's a good
goddamn move, man.
You don't want to show
over there,
show up there like,
you know,
like Jesus needs to come back
from the dead again
on a fucking Thursday
and wash your goddamn feet.
All right,
why don't you guys do that?
How about every Thursday?
You know,
you look down,
especially if you wear
black socks.
If you wear black socks,
like at least your big toes
are going to be a mess
after three,
four days.
This is what this podcast
has come to.
I'm just giving grooming tips
at this point.
Football season's over.
My kids dominate the television
and I just keep taping shit.
The Bruins are having
their best regular season ever
and I know they lost today
five to three.
I know they were down
two nothing the other night
against,
I think they had a home
and home
against the Red Wings.
They came back
and won
maybe three to two.
I don't know what.
Talked to Bartnick about that.
So I kind of know
what's going on
but I have no idea
what the fuck is going on.
So now I've just started.
I'm going to like
tape the games
because at night
they're always,
you know,
my kids are always like,
you know,
I don't know.
You know,
what I've done is
I started,
I started shutting them off.
But I don't want to put sports on
because they were starting
to resent sports
and they were saying
that they were boring
because they're young.
You know what I mea