Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-23
Uploaded: 2023-03-17T20:00:32.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-23' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-03-17. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-23' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-03-17. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-17-23

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon,
just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, strictly for the purpose of
checking in on you, seeing how your week is going.
Oh, it's Thursday, everybody. No matter how much you hate your job, it's
fucking Thursday. No matter how much you wish you weren't there, you just got
one more fucking day.
One more day, and then it's the weekend. Oh, it's the best. Friday night, just
decompressing by going out, altering your mental state, and taking it out on an
innocent bystander. Right?
That's what the weekend's for, everybody, unless you love your job. Then I don't
know what you do. You go home and do some needlepoint, get eight hours sleep,
and all of that shit.
You know what? I'm coming to the end of my break here. As I have mentioned, as
old Billy Freckles has mentioned, it took me like fucking two and a half months
to learn how to relax, to just stay home today and just watch basketball and
just be like, you know, I'm not fucking doing shit today.
I'm just going to sit here because I can, because for the rest of the year, I
won't be able to, so I should just sit here.
Listen to how aggressive I sound about relaxing. I'm going to sit here because
I can. Bill, sit here because I can, and I'm not going to give a shit that my
heater's going to fucking make me feel like I have malaria,
and then for some reason, rather than just letting it naturally go from 71
degrees back down to 69,
it's going to crank the AC and make it go down to fucking 61 degrees, and then
it's going to fucking, you know,
go back to malaria, which is what's happening.
And there's people, oh, that's a common problem. We can come over and we can
fix that.
Then they come over and they air quote fix it, and then a few weeks goes by,
and then there's the fucking problem again.
This is my theory. I think too many people have solar panels and are starting
to get off the grid or use less energy,
so now they're fucking rigging these things for guys like me without solar
panels,
which probably surprises you guys that I would not have solar panels,
considering, you know, I am a Prius-driving Hollywood liberal, what else?
Trump supporter. I'm trying to think of all the fucking things I've been called.
And no one seems to pick up that I don't like any of you.
Yeah. I haven't liked a president since Jimmy Carter.
I keep saying that, speaking of solar panels.
Put them on the White House, and then the, you know.
It's funny how the right hates actors unless they become Republicans.
They love fucking Reagan and Schwarzenegger.
Couldn't get enough of those fucking Hollywood phonies, right?
Not saying they're really phonies, but I'm just saying.
They were from Hollywood, and that's what they say.
They say that they're phonies, right?
Everybody out here is a phony.
Oh, it's so fucking Hollywood.
I love when people do that, and they shit on Hollywood.
Oh, it's so fucking Hollywood.
What isn't Hollywood?
What is it?
You name me one fucking corner of the earth
that there isn't somebody with power
that people aren't saying something to.
The whole fucking world is Hollywood.
From here all the way to Vladimir Putin
when he puts on the fucking skates,
and all those fucking Russian cunts
act like they can't stop him.
Like they couldn't lay him out.
As he skates across the fucking red line
with the puck, with his fucking head down.
You couldn't lay that guy in it.
Then he takes a fucking shot,
and the goalie goes,
one, 1,000, two, 1,000.
What about those fucking ginger cunts
out there in South Carolina
running that fucking town,
and all the cops,
everybody looking the other way?
It's all the same.
It's all the same.
You know what it is?
You're just too ugly to be out here.
Kidding.
I was always too ugly to be out here,
and if I can fucking,
if I can carve out a little foxhole
of shit joke entertainment,
then god damn it,
so can you.
Come on out here.
You don't even need to anymore, right?
Evidently, that's what all the kids say.
You don't need to be out there, man.
Hey, you can make Gone with the Wind
in fucking Oklahoma.
All right, well,
go ahead and fucking do it.
Actually, what am I talking about?
I did Reservation Dogs out in Oklahoma,
and that's a great show.
So once again,
no need to email me.
I already know that I'm full of shit,
but what I wasn't full of shit about
is I told you guys
I was getting rid of all my cigars,
and I look on the shelf right now,
it's barren.
There's nothing there.
There's a couple of lighters left.
I got them out of my house.
Well, I got them out of my garage,
and now they're in my bedroom.
I just need to bring them over
to where I'm going to bring them.
You know what's funny
is I did a benefit
on Saturday night.
I did this benefit for the troops, right?
And as a thank you,
they got me a box
of fucking Cuban cigars.
And in the back of my head,
I knew it was coming.
I was going to say,
can you do me a favor?
You know,
I'm already having fun doing it.
Just don't give me cigars
because I'll fucking smoke them.
And then they gave me
a box of 25,
and they're real.
And what am I supposed to do now?
I'm fucking...
Every time they pull me,
I drag me back in.
I'm right back in.
I thought about smoking them
like 15 times today,
and I didn't.
Oh, I could have.
I had the free time.
I had the cutter.
I had the lighter.
I had the cigar.
I had the fucking coffee.
I had the whole fucking thing,
and I didn't.
I didn't,
which is good.
I've had one cigar this month,
and I'm fucking good with that.
That's going to be the new me.
The new me is going to be...
I know.
I know you guys are like,
you're not going to do this bill.
Well, I'm going to fucking try.
But I am getting all this shit
out of my house.
And those...
But those cigars
are just too nice to give away.
I can't,
so I don't know what to do.
So what now I'm going to see
is how long I can make those last.
Can I make those last 25 months?
Or I just have like
three, four friends come over,
and I only smoke one,
and they smoke the other three.
Then I'm down to 21.
See the problem here?
Anywho,
but that's my deal.
So instead of smoking
and being a fucking idiot,
I went and I played drums instead.
Went and played drums,
and I got...
I don't know.
I got like this...
I got this new thing.
Like I'm trying to fucking sit up straight
and actually be on my sit bones.
And for the longest time,
I thought I had like
a sciatic nerve problem
because of all the years
of sitting in cars
and on planes
and all of that.
And all I had was
flesh and bone on my backside
because I didn't do enough squats.
Not fucking true.
It turns out
that I wasn't sitting down properly.
I wasn't on my sit bones,
as they say.
Let me see here.
I'll go sit down
on my sit bones.
You pick a hard surface
and it's the fucking...
You got one bone
in each butt cheek.
That's what you're supposed
to sit on.
And if you sit on
those fucking things,
rather than
where I was sitting,
I was sort of
leaned forward
and I was cutting off
the circulation.
So I would play drums
and one or both feet
would start going numb
and I would be like,
oh my God,
am I having a stroke?
What the fuck's going on here?
It just turned out
I was not sitting down properly.
So if you are a drummer
or if you just work in an office
and your feet are going numb
and stuff,
you might want to check out
your posture
and learn how to sit properly,
which I'm still figuring out
how to do
because now I sit down
on the drums
and now only occasionally
one starts to go numb
and then I just kind of think
as I'm playing a song
to kind of like,
where is it?
Oh, there it is.
I still like lean back.
Still lean back.
Not like Fat Joe.
Not in a cool way.
I lean back in a bad posture
kind of way.
So, you know,
that's where I'm at.
I literally so didn't do shit today
that I forgot today was Thursday
and I had to do a podcast.
And I got to end this vacation though
because I'll tell you this right now.
I used to never have a problem
fucking with these podcasts,
remembering when they are,
talking about shit,
but like when you're just sitting around
and you're not doing shit,
you run out of shit to talk about.
You know?
Like I'm literally going to talk
about the weather.
It has rained like a motherfucker
out here.
And stupid ass LA
lets it all go down,
most of it go right down
the LA River
and out to the fucking ocean.
It's fucking,
I don't understand,
I just don't understand.
Here's a question for you guys.
Why is doing the right thing
versus choosing the money?
Why is it never the same?
Or can you give me examples
in your life
where choosing more money
and doing what's right
was the same thing?
You know?
It always feels like
choosing the money
is always a shortcut.
You know,
you're going to feel dirty afterwards,
but you got this bag of loot
and you're going to fucking,
you know,
and I'm going to go buy some stuff
and it's going to make me
feel like more stuff
than you guys.
I don't fucking be at,
whatever it is.
Whatever this bullshit was.
You know?
I'm really starting
to get paranoid
about the whole,
the whole consumption thing
that I bought into,
you know?
Like, you know,
most people
that I'm going to buy,
I'm going to have stuff
and it's going to fucking
make me happy
if I have this stuff
and everything.
And like,
I think the most fucked up thing,
the most fucked up
kind of stuff
is disposable.
you use it once
and then you throw it out.
It's got to be this,
and when we got away from,
like,
I feel like
manufacturers
always resented
repairmen.
You know?
Or repair women
or repair theys.
Huh?
I just want to make sure
I'm on the right side
of history
with this podcast.
Ugh.
Ugh.
Is there anything more painful
than listening to liberals
say that?
I just want to make sure
I'm on the right side
of history.
No, you don't.
You just want to cover your ass.
That's what you want to do
and say that
I made the effort
to say that word
in that sentence
and therefore
I can now
just continue to live
my fucking stupid
white life
and not take responsibility
for anything.
Stop acting like
you're a fucking hero.
All of them.
And you know what's funny
about all of that shit
is then
that becomes a cool thing
to say
and then all those
cunts fucking say it
and then when the shit
hits the fan
because somebody
makes fun of it
they all fucking run away
and act like
they didn't say it.
You know?
It's driving me up
the fucking wall.
You know,
listening to people
saying like
no comedian
got canceled.
Like what are you
talking about?
They're like parents.
I never did.
That never happened.
Nobody on a half-assed
accusation
lost a year
or two
of their career
and has that
controversy,
that bullshit
on their fucking
Wikipedia
for the rest of life.
That never happened.
Yeah, it did.
Yeah, it did.
Just because you
were doing it
or didn't fall
into the group
that it was
happening to.
That's how it like
re-mem-mem,
re-mem-mem-mem-mem.
That's what people do
when the shit,
when it comes back
around again
they act like
I don't know
what you're talking about.
And I always equate it
to rollerblading.
It was the first fad
that I was into
and I saw
everybody else
was into it
and I still loved it
and everybody else
walked away from it
and you know
and there was
that homophobic joke
was attached to it
and it made
the whole thing
go away.
What's the hardest
thing about rollerblading?
Telling Your Parents
That You're Gay.
That joke happened
right?
In the fucking
1999 and a half
right?
And that was it
for that fad
and I was really
fucking upset.
I was like
I like this.
This shit is fun.
I always wanted
to learn how to skate.
I'm kind of learning
it on rollerblades
which I felt
in some ways
was more difficult.
Definitely more cumbersome.
You felt like
you were in
you had wooden shoes on.
It still didn't help
skating or whatever.
I mean
maybe you used
some of the muscles
maybe it helped
your breath
but it didn't
it didn't help
the skating
but like
I've just sort of
noticed that
and everybody
like
you literally see
somebody that you
rollerbladed