Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-23-22
Uploaded: 2023-03-23T19:29:55.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-23-22' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-03-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-23-22' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-03-23. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-23-22

Hey what's going on it's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon
just before
Friday Monday morning podcast and I'm just checking in to see how your week's
going man
how everything's going oh you're having a rough one are you you know well guess
what
nobody wants to hear about it you know that's what therapists are for god bless
therapists
who's gonna sit there listening to people bitching whining about their lives
then they gotta be like
well why don't you try a different thing next time I don't know it's just I don't
know why I guess I
just feel that you know the option isn't open for me well it is open for you
you know just try to go
around the wall rather than keep ramming your head into it I don't know I just
I just feel like
there's a lot of stuff coming up right now and it's just like I know like I
know what you're saying is
right but like I'm just like not there yet do you know what I mean can you
imagine listening to that
and then looking at the clock and then going like oh my god it's almost over
it's almost fucking over and then knowing that another person's gonna come in
there
start all over again oh yeah I mean uh
I just don't feel feelings
okay so when you say you don't feel feelings like what does that mean
I mean like I mean if I'm watching a game and like you know I got money on it
and my wife's staring the pot too loud and I'm losing the bet like you know I
feel feelings
dense but like I mean if there's like a bird chirping I it's it just kind of
annoys me which
all right well being annoying is it's actually an emotion you are feeling
things you just
no I mean like I want to like take the bird twist its head off
okay I think we've done enough for one day
anyway um
old Billy Freckles getting ready to go back on the road
I had a great show last night I ran my hour did my whole hour
oh boy who's a big boy who did his whole hour
oh did you put on your little clown shoes Billy
oh Billy clown shoes got on stage the other night did his whole hour like a big
boy didn't take any breaks
wow look at you
the old bearded blunder went on went on stage last night
ran my hour did about an hour and 50 an hour and 20
um I got a whole bunch of new shit up front that finally like uh I feel tied
the hour together
I know what my next special is going to be called
I know how I'm going to work it
and I'm doing that for the rest of the year
I am fucking motivated
I'm excited
I'm working out
I'm stretching
I dropped some weight
I'm ready to go
I'm ready to go do some damage up there in Ottawa
I'm going to that fucking Ottawa Senators Toronto Maple Leafs game
yeah that's right
that's right you're jealous
the last Canadian team I need to see
unless I start going to fucking CFL games
Jesus Christ and those fucked up stadiums
you know what I mean
you ever see the you ever see a CFL stadium
you know if they ever reshot like Mississippi Burning
you know that era of America
where you know
where you have like the Lester Maddox type of guys
like they should
you know and there's any sort of
something revolved around sports
or like maybe when they do like the sports
like the uh like some college
you know and they're going to have their first black player
and you know
the white coach is like
he's just not smart enough to play football
everybody knows
you want a white running back
in a white wide receiver
you know
they're doing that
and they need like an old school
looking football stadium
they should shoot it up
like Winnipeg
one of those ones
even the one in Toronto
I thought I saw it
it's like the thing where you got like stands
on both sidelines
and it but it's open
ended on either side
like those ones
like how you can literally be sitting in the
in the grandstands
and you can look out
and see your car in the parking lot
NFL games used to look like that
I remember watching the Minnesota Vikings
and they would line up for a field goal
and they you know
they would have the shot behind the field goal kicker
and you were looking at cars in the parking lot
there'd be like fucking two guys back there
running around to catch the football
before it fucking rolled down a hill or something
that I'm telling you right there
that was a fucking football stadium
all right
and that was still in America
in America
wasn't way up there
in in uh uh
what do you call it
up there in Canada
where it's even more cold
it's it's like
it's almost like Canadians are trying to be colder
well wait
they start their football season earlier
I don't know
I just drove by
what is it
Toronto Argonauts
and I am going to go to
I'm going to start going to CFL games
I mean you always have to have something
that you're looking forward to
when you're on the road
or a goal
or else you just get that fucking
600 yard stare on your face
and you're just like
what have I done with my life
I thought this was going to be exciting
I thought I was going to enjoy it
I mean I did
for the first 25 years
but I'll tell you
hey I'll tell you
these last
these last seven
have been a little rough
okay
yeah
that's the hard thing
is going to a city
that you've been to
a thousand fucking times
and finding
something new to do
something that excites you
something that you can look forward to
so you keep your fucking mojo
you know
you're up
you know
and you're not coming there like
oh my god
like I've been to Ottawa
a bunch of times
I've skated along the canal
I'd do that again
I would do that in a second
I'd skate along that fucking canal
get myself a little hot chocolate
if you've never done it
I'm telling you
it's such an underrated thing
not for a Canadian
you know
I mean those fucking people
they skate backwards to work
you know
apologizing the whole way
I love how they have
they have that reputation
you know
oh hey oh sorry
they're not like that
maybe in like the cities
where there's like money involved
you know
there's money involved
they got skin in the game
I'm not talking about
the cosmopolitan
you know
person that lives in Canada
who has a friend
that looks like Drake
I'm not talking
about that
person
I'm talking about
those fucking animals
that live in the middle of nowhere
on like a farm
and they got their own
fucking pond
and their dad
built a rink
you know
and at the end of the game
every night
you have to fight
all your brothers
and whoever
wins
you know
gets the first cut
of fucking elk
or bison
or polar bear
whatever
those fucking people
yeah
I'm literally
just making shit up
I've never been
well I've driven through it
you know
I've driven through
the farm areas
in Canada
I drove from
Winnipeg
up to Regina
and I looked at the farms
and I felt
the exact same thing
I feel when I drive
by American farms
which is
there's a good chance
a serial killer
lives in their home
there is just
something so creepy
if you just drive
by a farm
you know
it's beautiful
right
you want to take
the easel
out of your trunk
put a canvas up
you know
and paint that
little red barn
that's in a state
of disrepair
peeking over the horizon
you know
that one random cow
just standing there
looking at you
you're looking at it
but you really
take a look
at the fucking place
you know
if you stay there
till the sun
starts going down
you know
that's when all
the secrets
start coming out
man
it just
it's really
a farm
is a really
creepy thing
and you know
it's all the same shit
there's a big part
of me
that wants to live
in the middle
of fucking nowhere
I was thinking
that yesterday
when I was driving
in the traffic
out here
and how
my entire
adult life
since I moved
out
like I grew up
in the suburbs
which I feel
is the perfect
amount of
you're close
to the city
you know
you're not in the city
you're not in the country
a lot of people
make fun of the suburbs
suburbs are the shit
you know
you're close enough
to the city
where you can go in there
and get some culture
meet different people
and see independent films
and all of that stuff
but you're not gonna like
you know
start stealing cars
right
while you get
ridiculously good
at math
but if you live
in the middle
of nowhere
that's when you get
like all paranoid
you know
which is totally
understandable
I mean you're just
out there by yourself
and
it's really
all on you
I mean if somebody
comes through
your front door
you can't yell
help
that's why people
in the middle of nowhere
have all of those
fucking guns
and all of these
fucking liberals
that live in cities
if they lived out there
in the middle of nowhere
they'd have a fucking gun too
and if you don't
you're an idiot
you're a fucking idiot
I mean some of these people
their fucking driveways
are like a quarter
of a mile long
when I would be out there
doing college gigs
make a left
on rural road L
like they didn't even
have a fucking name
they were barely paved
you fucking live out there
all right
and your next door neighbor
who's fucking
nine miles away
starts getting into the meth
he starts dipping into
you know
he gets high
on his own supply
and he turns into
a fucking zombie
and all of a sudden
he starts walking up
your fucking driveway
all he's got on
is a pair of overalls
nothing else
looking like fucking
Tom Sawyer
walking up the goddamn driveway
with fucking
bad intentions
what are you gonna do
huh
you gonna go over to that
phone on the wall
operator
yeah let me get the sheriff
let me get Pennsylvania
695 or whatever
the fuck
I mean they don't even
have fucking cell phones
out there
no I'm kidding
that right there's a
it's a silo
and a cell phone tower
I got my own
fucking network
out here
I grow my own
fucking food
I'm building a rocket
um
yeah somebody comes up
your fucking driveway
out there
you're gonna call
the cops
huh
you're gonna wait
for sheriff
fresco
Pete Coltrane
to come up
in some fucking
Plymouth
four hours later
and this guy
you know
this guy's a farmer
all right
this guy knows
how to fillet meat
and he's on
fucking crack
and whatever
the fuck
he's on
that wooden teeth
shit
crystal meth
by the time
they get there
you're gonna be
like that guard
in fucking
silence of the lambs
remember when he
put him up
all gutted
and he looked like
he was on the
front of a boat
you know what
the worst part is
is the sheriff's
gonna know
the name of the guy
that kills you
he's gonna sit there
like all right
now Forrest
you had your fun
okay
put the lawnmower
blade down
now goddammit
Bill is all
kinds of fucked
up up there
and I've
he's still
breathing
now this
let's just
be fair
you had your fun
let me cut him
down
don't reach
into that
little pocket
don't reach
into that
little pocket
get in front
of your
overalls
pulls out
a sick
shooter
and then
he misses
he's got
a basset
hound
sitting on
his fucking
dashboard
yeah you
gotta have a
gun when
you're out
there
but the
problem is
when you
live out
there
all you
can do
is talk
to your
neighbor
who's like
nine miles
away
and you
live in the
middle of nowhere
right
and the people
in the cities
are making fun
of you
so you're like
fuck them
straight across
the board
so you won't
listen to their
information
so now
all you're
left with
is you
and your
friend
who lives
nine miles
away
and your
interpretation
of the
internet
and that's
when you
start connecting
dots man
I'll tell you
what you know
what they're
doing
you know
what I
think
they're
doing
what you
think
they're
doing
I'll tell
you right
now
I'll tell
you right
now
what the
fuck
is
going
on
all right
I went
to I
figured
it out
dot net
I read
some shit
it's fresh
in my
brain
and I
want to
say it
to you
before
forget it
you like
how I'm
making it
seem like
only people
in the
south
live in
the middle
of nowhere
I always
call myself
out on
doing that
but I
continue
to do
it
that small
town thing
does exist
everywhere
you know
I remember
when I moved
to New York
and one of
my buddies
lives in
the suburbs
of Boston
and he's
like where
do you live
in New York
where you live
and I said
I live
on 97th
and Lex
he's like
dude what's
up with the
numbers down
there
like all
the streets
are like
numbers
like well
it kind of
makes it
easy
there's like
fucking 200
stre