Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-30-23
Uploaded: 2023-03-30T21:20:31.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-30-23' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-03-30. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-30-23' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-03-30. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-30-23

Hey, what's going on?
It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon
just before Friday, Monday morning podcast.
And I'm just checking in on you.
Just checking in to see how your day's going.
You know what?
I've got to be honest with you, man.
I was having, I was having the greatest fucking day.
I was having the greatest day.
Sitting here in my leather chair.
And then I sat down to do the podcast,
and I just don't, I don't know what the fuck.
It's like, I just, I'm going to sit down.
I'm going to sit right down and write myself a letter.
I'm going to go on YouTube.
I'm going to find whatever version of GarageBand I have.
And I'm going to try and figure out
why these simplest fucking things.
Like for some reason, I have a robot voice.
How do I get rid of the robot?
Oh, I know, I'll click on voice.
And there's no just fucking thing that you click.
You got to do this.
And then go into the fucking settings.
And there's stuff.
You know what it reminds me of?
It reminds me of my fucking wife's car.
One of these, she's got all these smart cars.
The fucking thing just thinks too much.
Like I have to go into settings to fix that fucking thing.
Like when you approach the car, the driver's side door automatically opens up.
So it's like you're walking by, you're bringing the trash barrels in.
If you have the fucking key in your pocket, the fucking door opens.
It's like a goddamn dog that wants to go outside.
It's like, no, buddy.
I'm just going up to get a drink.
We're not going O-U-T.
And I don't want to say O-U-T.
Are you going to start doing fucking somersaults?
This is what a car is doing.
There's got to be a way in the settings.
Because that's what I've learned when I talk to people that understand
computers.
They always say, okay, go into your settings.
The first thing they say is, what version of this fucking nightmare do you have?
And I'm like, and they're like, all right, go into general.
Click, you see at the top, what does it say?
All right, okay, okay, good.
Now go into settings.
Now scroll down.
Can you click on, do you see anywhere where it says this is easy?
Do you see where it says this is easy?
Click on that.
Yeah, that isn't on my phone.
It isn't.
There's nothing there that says this is easy?
No, nothing.
Hmm.
Well, that's interesting.
And then there goes the next fucking hour of your life.
And you have this version of it.
Yes.
And you go into settings and it doesn't say blah, blah, blah.
No, it doesn't.
Can you look again?
Hey, lady, I can look all fucking day.
I'm stuck in the mud here.
I'm on the side of the fucking road.
That's how that works.
That's how today's shit works.
And I'm actually acting like you actually can get a person on the phone.
Like, you know what's hilarious?
Like, if you actually called, if you went to the garage band store where there
is no fucking store.
There's no person to call.
There's no fucking number.
There's no person.
There's just nothing.
It's like, here it is.
You figure it out.
Send us an email.
We'll put it in the go fuck yourself mailbag.
And maybe, like winning the lottery, we'll pull yours out and we'll have a
fucking robot give you a generic fucking answer.
And that's considered customer service.
As opposed to, I just randomly called Dean Del Rey the other day.
And I said, hey, man, what are you doing?
You know, I only got a couple days left.
Oh, I know what I said.
I said, hey, MotoGP's starting.
He's opening for me when I'm in College Station.
We're going to the MotoGP race.
First race is today.
You want to come over and watch it?
And he goes, yeah.
I go, where you at?
And he goes, I'm at this service station.
And I said, oh, cool.
You know, a little out of the way.
I'll go, you know, he swung by to go get him.
And he introduces me to this mechanic.
And I'm looking and the guy's got all of these old cars he's working on.
And Dean goes, yeah, this guy's fucking amazing.
I said, hey, I got an old F-100 that's leaking oil, you know, around the
transmission.
I need, I think I need a gasket, the gasket replaced, I was told, on one side
or the other.
But everybody I approach, the second they find out, it shifts on the column.
They don't want anything to do with it.
And he goes, bring it by.
Bring it by, my friend.
I said, when?
He goes, bring it by on Friday.
I say, cool.
I bring the fucking thing by Friday.
All right?
He calls me that afternoon.
He said, okay, listen, this has a little more than blah, blah, blah than I
thought it was going to be.
And I said, listen, I don't care what it is.
Whatever you find it, just fix it.
Send me the bill.
We're good.
All right?
I just need this fixed.
This thing's been leaking in my garage for the last 10 years.
He goes, okay.
So I get a call last night.
I missed it.
The guy brought it in Friday.
Yesterday was Tuesday.
I'm recording here on Wednesday.
I missed the guy because it was the end of the day.
I called him this morning.
I go, what's up?
And I'm waiting for him to be like, oh, the fucking aspirator tube with the
fucking, you know, metaphysical carburetor intake with the fucking bungee cord.
I'm waiting for all of this technical talk.
I said, what's up?
He goes, it's done.
I go, it's done?
He goes, yeah, come down and pick it up.
The guy pulled the transmission, figured out what the problem was, replaced the
gaskets on both sides.
On both sides.
And it was done by Tuesday.
I went down to the garage.
I was like floating.
I was like, I don't give a fuck if you charge me fucking 90 grand.
I mean, I can't believe, oh, I give a fuck about that.
But, you know, I can't, this is amazing.
And that, my friends, has gone away with this whole new thing and of like, yeah,
there is no customer service.
There is no one to talk to.
There is no phone number.
It's like, we got your money.
We don't want to deal with you.
We know that what we sold you sucks.
All right.
Slash, you're old and computer illiterate and you're not going to be able to
figure it out.
So now, you know, it's like, go on YouTube and hope somebody had the same
problem and tried to figure it out.
So God bless that guy.
And I don't know about this other stuff.
You know, look, let's be honest here.
All right.
Most of this is me being a fucking baby and having ADD and just really not
paying attention as computers started to take over because they never interest
me.
I just, I don't find them interesting.
I don't get excited by new technology in that field.
I find it boring as hell.
I don't give a fuck about any of it.
I don't think my life is better now that my entire record collection is in my
pocket.
I think people are blowing out their fucking ears.
Nobody's talking to anybody.
I kind of realized the other night, you know, like I just turn off the,
when I hang out with my kids now, I just turn the TV off and I tell them, you
know, the iPad, I just tell them shut all that shit off.
And they literally complain for anywhere from 30 seconds to about three minutes.
And then after that, they're running around playing with each other and they're
playing with their toys.
And I'll tell you, they make a fucking mess, but I don't give a shit because
they're not staring at those goddamn screens.
And I'm just going to start doing that more as opposed to, you know, I'll do a
little bit.
You know, they can't grow up like those kids.
Do you ever see that documentary where those fucking kids were like sitting in
that New York apartment?
They were in New York City with all of these people, all of these different
races, cultures, all this food and all this shit.
And they just stayed in there.
And what was amazing, though, was their imagination and they would watch movies
and then they would react.
They would make all the costumes out of like cereal boxes and shit.
But like they were sort of had an arrested development socially, obviously,
because they weren't interacting with kids their age.
But that's taking it to an extreme.
You know what was amazing about their dad?
Their dad was basically had the same characteristics.
Usually that type of personality wants to live in the middle of nowhere, which
we all live in the middle of nowhere when you really come down to it.
You know what I mean?
But like city people's idea of the middle of nowhere, which country people look
at as paradise.
Which, by the way, not to bring up a really bad subject, here's a question I
have for gun owners out there.
Because now, you know, liberals are flipping out as they always do whenever
there's a school shooting.
Liberals want to take the guns away.
People on the right say that's you guys are fucking idiots.
That's not the problem.
All right.
And meanwhile, not enough people are saying, is there a reason that CNN and Fox
News, other than their own diabolical going after every fucking nickel they can,
sensationalize these things?
Because they're not reporting on it.
They're not doing anything about it.
It's like, maybe if you stopped, I mean, this fucking wacko chick is, I mean, I
went to a diner today.
You know, I buy like a New York Post.
I'm old.
I read the paper, right?
And this fucking lunatic is on the front fucking page.
And you have to understand that when you do shit like that, the same way some
kid that plays a little bit of hoop watches the NBA, he wants to get the NBA.
Like shooting up a school is the NBA for fucking psychos.
So stop showing them that they're going to get all of this fucking attention.
There's got to be something to that because my whole life they've had these
fucking weapons.
And somewhere along the line, that Columbine thing happened.
And ever since then, people just fucking do this shit.
But here's my question.
Whenever they say, hey, let's take away these assault rifles.
You can still have your guns.
Just take away these assault rifles, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
And that's not what they do.
What they do is they talk about gun owners like they're fucking morons.
You know, classic, you know, what both sides do.
They start their argument off by insulting the other people, which makes the
other people completely closed off to the argument.
So here's the question that I have as someone who doesn't own a gun, but
actually likes guns.
That's just my ears.
I don't think I could handle.
You know, it's a skill.
They're fun and they're handled correctly.
They're amazing.
And you can defend yourself from a fucking lunatic, which makes a lot of sense
when you live in the middle of nowhere.
Like I've said, there's like you're on your own out there.
So I understand that.
But my thing is when they sit there and they go, we'll make it harder to get
these assault rifles and blah, blah, blah, blah.
The argument with people who have guns always seem to be like, so then what?
Only the bad people get guns, right?
Which I understand that to a certain extent.
But when I look at this fucking idiot who shot up the school out in Tennessee,
I really don't see if she can't go to a fucking Walmart or some local gun store
to buy this shit.
I don't see that fucking wingnut being able to navigate the dark web and
somehow get Henry Hill to show up to her fucking doorstep half coked up with a
bunch of handguns where the silencers don't fit them.
So that's my thing about that, where if you make it harder, I still think
decent people could could pass all those fucking tests and still have their
guns.
But these fucking mental midgets, you know, won't be able to just waltz in.
And like, you know, somebody standing behind a fucking counter at a Walmart or
a gun store.
They're not a psychologist.
That's not their fucking job.
They're not, you know, that's not good.
They're not going to be able to figure out that any more than I could.
So that is my question.
Like, would, would, if they made it just a little more difficult, but you could
still, but you as a sane fucking person could still go out and buy whatever gun
you wanted.
Is that, does that work?
And I'm completely ignorant of the whole thing.
But I was just curious to that because, you know, it's funny, like, yo