Name: Monday Morning Podcast 4-10-23
Uploaded: 2023-04-10T20:53:25.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 4-10-23' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-04-10. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 4-10-23' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-04-10. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 4-10-23

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for Monday!
April 10th, 2023. What's going on? How are ya?
Ah, jeez. April 10th, two more months before old Freckles turns 55 double
nickel.
Coming around the clubhouse. I'm down the fucking back stretch here.
I'm turning the corner.
Um, whatever. What are you going to do? What am I going to do? I don't know.
Cry silently at night.
Where did all the time go?
Um, I learned a long time ago not to do that.
Um, you can spend your life wishing you were 10 years younger.
Or you could just enjoy the age you're at knowing in 10 years you'd be happy to
be where you're at, right?
Like someday I'll be 65 and I'll be looking, oh my god, 55? That sounds so much
younger, right?
Like 45. I'd love to be 45.
You know, you're 35, you want to be 25?
But when you're 45, you want to be 35.
So shut the fuck up.
Get out there, enjoy yourself!
Oh, I've been enjoying myself a little bit too much lately.
Um, as you know, slash, I preach every month.
I take the first 10 days off every month from everything.
No cigars, no coffee, no candy, none of that shit.
Well, I was on the road in New York and I met some buddies of mine.
Um, one person in particular who I've been like, dude, we got to hook up.
We got to hang.
And he's always working.
So he finally was not working.
And he goes, I know the place has the best coffee in New York.
All right, I'm four days in to the 10 days off from coffee.
What am I going to say?
No.
I'm in New York City, right?
Arguably the Paris of North America.
What am I going to say?
I'm going to say no.
So I said, fuck it.
I went over there.
And you know, if I try a new coffee place,
I have to get a double espresso and the cappuccino
to see how they make both.
I did that.
They were delicious.
And then I said to myself, and that's it.
I'm just going to shut it off again.
But I was in New York.
There was all these great coffee shops.
And I'm like, I never get back here.
I miss being back here.
You know, I could just go buy a newspaper.
You know, my old man shit that I love doing.
Just buying a newspaper, minding my own fucking business,
sitting down, you know,
looking like Clint Howard's cousin, right?
I just fucking, I love doing that.
Although I find less and less of the paper I can read,
you know, to try to blow through all of the politics.
Like when I got there, old Donnie boy,
the DA, the DA is calling for you.
That whole partisan politic thing that they did to him,
which is going to just blow up in liberals' faces.
One of the stupidest fucking things.
You let a sleeping orange dog lie.
And he didn't.
They did not.
They went after this guy.
So eventually, I imagine there's going to be a Republican DA guy,
and he's going to go after fucking Joe Biden
and all of his fucking lies.
So whatever.
So that shit.
So I skipped through all of that.
I can't read that noise.
You know, it's so stupid.
Like the post is like, oh my God, what the fuck?
And then the daily news is like, yes, yes.
And then the New York Times is like, oh, oh, oh.
It's basically their takes on politics.
Unless it's something happening to a liberal.
And then the post will be like, yes, yes.
So I skip all of that.
And then you're basically into page six and local crime.
You know?
So I keep the local crime light.
If it's something fucking awful with a woman or a kid or some shit,
you know, I try to keep it light.
You know, I don't mind a little smash and grab, you know,
somebody, you know, steal somebody's cat
because the relationship broke up.
Like, I mean, I don't mind that.
You know, a little bank robbery here or there.
A little fucking car chase, you know.
Somebody jumps on a scooter like Tom Cruise
in that Mission Impossible going around Paris on a motorcycle.
How fucking great is that guy's life?
You know?
Does his own stunts.
He gets to ride like a fucking Ducati or something
at top speed through the shutdown streets of Paris.
That was one of his days.
Hey, Tom, what are you doing today?
Oh, I'm riding a Ducati through shutdown streets in Paris
while making $20 million to see,
to make a movie that's going to make a billion dollars.
Oh, by the way, I've been doing this for 40 years.
All right, I'm a little envious slash scared to ride a motorcycle unless the
city is shut down.
Even then, I don't think I'd get out of second gear.
Anyway, so, yeah.
And then I smoked, you know, once with my buddy Doug and once with my buddy Verzi.
And as I mentioned, but I haven't smoked any more cigars.
But I've continued to drink coffee.
Now, let's examine that.
Why is that?
Because coffee is way easier to get.
And I get home to my house,
and just like I predicted,
I wanted a cigar.
I wanted a cigar so fucking bad the last three nights,
but I got rid of all the cigars in my house.
And I knew this would happen.
I would want it,
but not enough to go out and get it.
That's where I am when it comes to addiction.
I feel the cravings.
I want it.
It makes me ornery.
But I don't have that fucking thing
to just throw a jacket on
and just walk out the house
in whatever weather,
in score, whatever the fuck it is.
I'm like a lazy addict.
Like, if it's in the house,
then I'll do it.
But if it isn't, then I don't do it.
And as long as I don't do it for a little while,
it goes away.
I know.
I'm boring you guys with this shit.
But I've been back on the coffee
pretty goddamn good.
Today, all I had was a double espresso.
Just going to leave it at that.
Possibly in case my buddy calls later.
And then maybe it goes to the next level.
I've been continuing to work out.
But I had a little setback with my shoulder,
as always.
So I've been looking up this shit,
you know,
the ice baths.
Everybody's talking about the ice baths
and all of this type of shit.
And, you know,
you go down the rabbit hole.
Next thing you know,
you're online,
looking at the top of the line ice bath,
which is just basically
a giant, stupid fucking tub.
And they're like,
well, you know,
weighs about 40 pounds
when it's empty.
So it's easily maneuverable
and put on its stand.
Once it's full,
it weighs 700 pounds.
And I'm just thinking to myself,
I'm not,
that's a fucking plastic container.
There's no fucking way
that that should be worth
1,300 fucking dollars.
And then I'm going to have this thing
and I'm going to be really into it
for about maybe,
I don't know,
a week or two
or a month.
And then I'm just going to have 700,
I'm going to have 700 fucking pounds of water
sitting in my goddamn garage,
turning all different sorts of colors
and all of that shit.
So I was like,
fuck this.
I'm not doing that.
What am I going to do?
I'm going to buy an ice bath.
What are you going to do next?
Buy a boat,
you fucking moron.
You don't do shit like that in life, people.
You get to know people
that own this shit.
Find a friend.
You got to go hot chick, right?
Hot chicks get hungry
just like everybody else,
but they don't want to pay for meals.
So what do they do?
They act like they like a guy
with a nice watch.
And next thing you know,
they're out there with the girls
sort of hanging out of a loose-fitting fucking shirt.
They're eating like a goddamn pig, right?
The date ends with a little hug,
air kiss,
and a little pat-pat on the back.
Go fuck yourself.
Two pats,
one freeze,
blue ball,
go fuck yourself.
I just ate.
You got to go hot chick on the ice bath.
Do not.
Ask not.
I don't know why I'm in this Kennedy mood here.
Do not fucking,
don't buy one of those fucks.
Fucking things.
So then I did the next thing.
I was like,
all right,
it's fucking L.A.
It's Hollywood.
You know,
this is the latest fucking craze.
You know what I mean?
I get my Botox.
I have my enema fucking flush up my asshole.
And then I go into an ice bath.
And then at lunch,
I like to have soup.
That's one of my favorite things ever is when celebrities break down their day
for me.
Like I was sitting around all day going,
you know,
I wonder what Louis Gossett Jr. does.
What time does Louis Gossett Jr.
How does he shave his head?
You know,
how does an Oscar nominated actor shave his head?
And what if I shaved,
what if I bought the same shaving equipment Louis Gossett Jr. had?
Would,
would I then be happy?
Would I then be going up there accepting the thing that everybody wants?
Yeah.
Yeah.
So I looked at the next best thing,
which is a place that has a fucking ice bath.
Right.
And I'm sitting there going like,
all right.
So I go over there.
This is better.
Now I don't have to buy the thing.
I can just go over and use the thing.
But then you're getting into the,
the fucking gross factor.
You know what I mean?
Like who here is it?
Who here?
Like you guys are here.
You ever take a fucking yoga class?
I mean,
you want to talk about taking your life in your hands when you walk into that
fucking studio right after another class and they have not mopped up or
anything.
And it's that hot yoga.
It's like you're in the fucking jungles of Vietnam,
right?
And you can catch malaria through your bare feet in one of those fucking
classes,
right?
You just come walking in.
If you're like me with your Northern European blood and you walk into this
tropical forest.
where they've removed all foliage and there's just the sweat and the emaciated
people.
I fucking,
uh,
I can't deal with it.
Like there's no way to get like,
I don't know.
I guess you,
you put the,
you,
you fucking put your mat down,
but then your mat is absurd and it's like rubber.
So it's like absorbing how many fucking hours,
how many classes of fucking plant-based burger sweat,
you know,
that's done.
God knows what I,
I don't do.
So I,
you know,
I stopped going to those things.
So I started thinking about that ice bath thing.
It's like,
all right,
this is 700 pounds of fucking water.
That's a lot of fucking water.
That's a lot of weight.
And we always have a drought out here.
How often do they change in that water?
You know,
I mean,
am I going to get in that thing right after Lou Diamond Phillips?
I don't think I am.
I don't know why I'm just naming celebrities with three names.
You know,
the other night I had a,
I had a cigar with Ephraim Zimbalist Jr.
So then I was like,
all right,
because my shoulder is like really talking to me,
man.
It's feeling inflamed.
So I finally was like,
wait a minute,
I have a bathtub.
I have ice.
I could fill the bathtub.
I'm gonna, what the fuck is wrong with, I have the solution, so I filled the
bathtub
up, I didn't have to make it fucking weigh 700 pounds or whatever, it was just
a bath,
and instead of hot water, I just sat in cold water, I didn't do the ice yet,
and I gotta
tell you, man, I fucking loved it, it sucked getting in, but I knew, I put my
leg in and
I went, and I was like, fuck it, get in, get in, get in, get in, get in, get in,
get
in, I got the other leg in, alright, and then I just said, fuck it, I just sat
down right
up to my ginger nipples, and that's as far as I could go, and I was just going,
I was just
doing that, right, and there's not even any ice in it, so I'm working my way up
to being
comfortable with it, and, but after like, you know, 20 seconds, I was fine, and
then I was
automatically, immediately regretting, why didn't I go all the way up to my
neck, I gotta
do this again, and then I slid down up to my neck, and I was, ah, but then you
just sit
there, and you don't fucking move, and I stayed in there for 10 minutes, and I
really enjoyed
it, and so I was in the bathroom, you know, obviously of our bedroom, so I say
to Nia,
I go, Nia, I go, come on in here, and she comes in, I go, look, this is ice-cold
water,
I go, feel how cold this water is, I've been in here for eight minutes, and she's
just looking
at me, I go, feel how cold it is, and she just goes, I can see how cold it is.
She's made a fucking dick joke, when I was suffering, no, I actually laughed my
frozen
balls off for like fucking the final two minutes, and she was cracking up, I
love making her
laugh, it's my favorite thing, and she was actually, she was laughing because I
was l