Name: Monday Morning Podcast 4-17-23
Uploaded: 2023-04-17T23:09:03.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 4-17-23' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-04-17. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 4-17-23' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-04-17. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 4-17-23

Hey, what's going on?
It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast
for Monday, April 17th, 2023.
What's going on?
How are ya?
How's it going with you?
I just got back from College Station in Austin, Texas,
and I could not have had a bad...
I had such a good fucking time.
I think I'm going to go sit over in my fucking chair
instead of this chair that I'm sitting in.
If I can figure out how to get these wires,
the goddamn wires, to not be crossed over here.
I had a great fucking time,
and this is just wasting your time
by talking about what a great time I had
as I moved shit over.
Why wouldn't I do this to begin with?
Do my headphones, are they long enough?
Will this work?
Can this happen?
Can I live the dream?
Can I sit in a chair and do a podcast?
And I can!
It happened, everybody.
All right, first things first.
Thank you to everybody that came out to UT.
Not UT.
Oh, my God.
Not UT.
That's University of Texas.
University of Texas A&M.
Texas A&M Agricultural.
Thank you for everybody that came out.
Arguably, like, one of the coolest crowds
I've been in front of in a long time.
They just were fun.
Everybody came out to have a good time.
I went out.
I was with Dean Del Rey.
We went up there, and I don't even know what the fuck I talked to.
I riffed.
They were so much fun.
I think I winged, like, the first 25 minutes of my set just fucking around.
Making fun of shit, making fun of them, making fun of myself, and it all worked
out.
It all worked out.
They were fun people.
Somebody in the crowd gave me shit about owning a Prius back in the day.
We got into that.
Then I was telling them that, you know, I'm kind of like you guys, you know,
and that
I'm also buying a big Ford truck that's never going to go off-road, and I don't
really
fix anything, and I don't have a ranch, you know?
I spend most of my time on YouTube.
The sound was amazing.
The people there were amazing.
Seriously, that College Station gig was one of my favorite gigs I've done.
In a long, long, long time, and why?
Why were we out there?
By the way, we played the place where the Aggies basketball team plays, right?
And the fucking place was huge.
It was an amazing arena, and someone was telling me that they said they need a
new one.
It's unreal.
It's just the environmental fucking disaster.
It's like, why do you need a new one?
It used to be, oh, oh, Billy Old Shoes here.
It used to be, they would make an arena, and they would hold onto the arena so
fucking long
that everybody who played on the first team, you know, in the first game ever
on both sides,
everyone was dead.
Everyone in the crowd was dead, and then they'd finally be like, all right, we
need to build a new fucking arena.
Right?
Like the Boston Garden, they kept that for 60-something years.
Even that seems quick.
But that should be a rule, because now it's like they're making these arenas,
and they go for about 30 years, and they're just like, yeah, we need a new one.
You know?
Something sexier.
We have to cater to all the people that don't really give a fuck about a game.
You know, with a younger crowd, we got to make sure we got all the fucking
bells and whistles
and all of that shit.
I don't know.
I watched the Bruins against the Canadians.
Speaking of which, their first playoff game tonight against the Florida Panthers.
And we'll see.
We'll see what happens.
Historically speaking, setting a regular season record for wins or points does
not mean you win the Cup.
The last two times, it did not happen.
By the way, some fucking grouchy old Canadians fan was like,
ties shouldn't count.
Ties shouldn't count.
The 1977 Montreal Canadiens are the greatest team that ever...
It's like, well, what if ties counted back then and they don't count now?
You'd still be saying that the 77 Canadians were the greatest team,
because you're a fucking Canadians fan.
You know?
It's like, congratulations.
Yes, you dominated a six-team league that had then expanded to 12.
The expansion six were fucking, you know, I don't know, 10 years old.
What were there?
12, 13 teams in the fucking league?
15?
A couple of WHL teams?
Go fuck yourself.
You fucking set a record 50 goddamn years ago.
You know, I also did great in 1977, the fucking Bee Gees.
You should be dancing, yeah.
I mean, we're talking back then.
I love the nightlife.
I got to boogie on the disco.
Oh, yeah.
That was like play during your championship parade.
YMCA.
Not ironically.
Not ironically.
That was actually a hit.
Macho, macho man.
If you want my body and you think I'm sexy,
come on, sugar, let me know.
Please welcome your 1976-77 Montreal Canadiens.
Everybody on the team look like those old pictures in old barbershops
where they show fucking haircuts.
Anyway, but what I did love about it was everything great about the Montreal
Canadiens
is at least 30 years old at this point.
30 years old.
Go back to Patrick Waugh's first fucking championship.
Now you're going back 37 years.
You know?
And then you go back to the late 70s.
You're 40-plus years.
You're almost going back half a century.
You know, it was great.
This Canadiens team that played.
No, not in this arena.
It was the one before that.
Anyway, so I wasn't even talking shit.
I just said congratulations to the Bruins on an amazing regular season.
And then some Canadiens fan,
blue, blanc, et rouge, cunt,
had to write,
actually, um,
it's like, I don't give a fuck.
All right, with your straight sticks
and your no fucking helmets.
I think they had curb sticks back then.
But like, most of the guys on your team
weren't wearing helmets.
All right?
Why don't you take that fucking record?
All right?
Make a paper airplane out of it.
I'm trying to do it like technology from back then.
All right?
Why don't you sit down at a typewriter
and type out why you think,
don't send me a fucking email.
I want you to use the technology from back then.
Take out a feather
and write on a fucking scroll
and tell me why that that's the greatest fucking,
that's not the greatest fucking team ever.
Jesus Christ.
They got absolutely fucking smoked
in 1980
by what I think is the greatest fucking hockey team
of all time
is those still,
Wayne Gretzky's still there,
Edmonton Oilers.
You take the best Edmonton Oilers team,
whatever one you want.
What?
You want to say 84,
87,
right?
85,
whatever fucking team you want to pick.
All right?
We'll say 85.
84,
85,
somewhere around there.
They would fucking smoke the 77 Canadians.
I didn't hear anybody from Edmonton chirping.
You know?
Those oil barons up there
looking down at the people in Calgary
with their cattle
and their fucking cowboy hats.
Anyway,
I did really just fucking
steered me off.
Did the Canadians make the playoffs this year?
I don't even know.
Are they waiting for that goaltender
to get healthy again?
Sorry.
Anyway,
what is funny is
every Canadians fan that I know
actually hate,
for some fucked up reason,
seems to hate
the Toronto Maple Leafs
more than the Bruins.
It's weird
because they always say
the Bruins,
Canadians,
like rivalry
is the biggest rivalry
in hockey
or whatever the fuck.
We're in the big rivalries
in sport
and they just don't.
I think it's because
those are American shows.
Like,
I got a buddy of mine.
He's a Canadians fan
and he told me,
he goes,
good luck in the playoffs.
I hope you guys do all right.
I go,
you don't mean that.
We're the Bruins.
He goes,
honestly,
I don't give a fuck.
He goes,
as long as the Leafs
don't win it.
And I'm like,
dude,
the Leafs haven't won it.
I'm going to be 55.
They haven't won it
since a year before.
They haven't won it
in 56 fucking years.
You got twice as many cups
as they do.
Like,
what the fuck
do you care?
You know?
You know what it is?
I just think that
they're in each other's worlds.
I wonder how that all
went south.
You know?
Two beautiful cities.
Bunch of great people.
You know?
I don't fucking know.
I don't know.
Anyway.
So I go to College Station.
I go up there.
I do my set.
Dean Del Rey kills.
I killed.
The crowd was fucking amazing,
like I said.
Had a great time
talking about trucks
and guns
and fucking feeding animals
and acting like
they all didn't have
the internet.
And they knew
that that's what I was doing
and they just kind of,
they went along with it.
And then I just talked about,
you know,
being from,
you know,
Hollywood
and,
you know,
underage women
in our hot tubs
and all that shit
and they fucking,
they love it.
As long as you shit on everybody,
it all works out.
Except every once in a while
somebody gets up,
fuck it,
they get all upset.
They get their fucking panties
in a bunch.
Yeah,
I've had to deal with that
fucking lately.
People getting their fucking panties
and a bunch,
fucking bunch of babies.
Anyway,
so,
the reason I,
I booked that gig there
was because I wanted to go
to the MotoGP race,
race number three
of 2023.
and I wanted to,
I wanted to finally
check out this sport
live
that I've been
such a huge fan of
and,
so we went there
Saturday.
Dean Del Rey
knew some people
at Ducati.
Dean,
Dean fucking knows somebody.
I swear to God,
if you go to Kazakhstan,
he would fucking know
somebody out there.
Like,
the guy just knows people.
So,
I go,
dude,
I'm gonna get tickets
and ba-ba-ba-ba-ba.
He goes,
he goes,
don't worry,
but that's like
a couple months back.
He goes,
dude,
I know the CEO
of Ducati.
I've been riding motorcycles
for 30 years.
I fucking know everybody.
I'll get us in there.
He totally hooks us up.
We got to go down
into the paddock
and all of these guys
that I see on TV,
you know,
I mean,
I wanna fuck up their names.
All those Italian guys.
GG,
all of those guys.
I met all of them.
We got to go into
where they were working
on the bikes.
You know,
Pecker's bike
is sitting right there
and,
what's his face?
Bastian Anini,
however you say
his last name.
The number one bike,
the number 23 bike,
fucking Ducati
sitting right there.
And we were behind
like a partition
and we just watched
him work on it
and we were so geeking out
that the guy actually
let us come around
into the area
where they were working
because we just
wouldn't shut up
asking him fucking questions
about those buttons
on the left side
and all that.
He just cycled
through all of it,
like the different
tractions and all of that
and was explaining
how they go
in the straightaway
and the bike
will just like,
you push the button
and the back end
goes down low
and they just fucking
open the throttle up.
You know,
the day of the race
we saw it
and like the front tire
is not on the surface
like almost for
like three quarters
of the straightaway
it looked like
but they could not
have been nicer
and then what did we do?
We just walked around
the track,
we took pictures
on the track
and then they had
this thing,
you know,
Dean was saying,
he goes,
hey,
you know,
they do this thing
for like fans
where you can do
a lap around the track
on a Ducati.
I go,
get the fuck out of here.
He goes,
yeah,
man,
he goes,
I'm going to do it
and I was like,
ah,
fuck,
I haven't ridden
in 11 years,
you know,
let me know how that is.
He goes,
dude,
you can do it.
You can do it.
I'm like,
I don't know,
man,
like I've probably,
I don't even think
I've ridden a motorcycle
30 times in my lifetime.
I don't know how to do it.
You can do it.
I'm like,
all right,
I'll do it,
right?
So I thought
it was going to be like
10 or 15 fucking people.
Dude,
I show up,
it was like a parade.
Like we won a war.
It looked like there was
100 people.
Wasn't that many.
It was probably like
50 fucking people
on motorcycles
and everybody
is like a motorcycle person.
They showed up
with their own bikes.
They had all the fucking gear
and here comes
old fucking Weepy Willie,
right?
I come in there
and I was just like,
all right,
dude,
I want to ride in the back.
Let you guys all go nuts.
I'll be back here
riding half a mile an hour
and
one of the guys there
gave me the heads up.
He goes,
you actually don't want
to be in the back.
You actually want,
it's safer up front.
You follow like a pickup truck
that's sort of the pace
car sl