Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 4-21-23
Uploaded: 2023-04-21T18:38:32.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 4-21-23' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-04-21. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 4-21-23' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-04-21. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 4-21-23

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon
just before Friday, Monday morning podcast and I'm just checking in on you and
I'm driving. I'm driving because I'm all Billy busy day. Oh, there's an Amazon
Prime truck that's sort of like a UPS truck. I thought they only had the Sprinter
vans. And I'll look to my right. There's a Dodge Ram TRX in velocity, Ford Velocity
Blue.
Figure that one out. That looks like their answer to the Raptor. Like we can
make a really loud truck that serves no fucking purpose unless you take it out
to the desert and go Baja racing or whatever. Maybe somebody likes a truck like
that. I have no idea. I think my truck's showing up today. The truck I don't
need. I'm doing my part when it comes to capitalism.
I went out and bought something I didn't need strictly for an image. No, it isn't.
It's something I always wanted. I always wanted a full size fucking pickup
truck even though I have a small size brain. There you go. All right. Can I
just have that?
That guy just sitting on a bicycle staring at his phone. Just sitting there. Is
he waiting for somebody else to ride his bike with?
I mean, I'm in a car on my phone. This guy's on a bicycle. Like he's taking it
to the next level. If he hits a pedestrian, does he get sued? Or does he get a
pass because he's, you know, he did it in a green way?
Oh, Billy gonna make the light. Oh, Billy gonna make the light. Yeah. There's a
place that's gonna go out of business soon. Sometimes you can just see, you
just look at the paint on the outside of a store and you're like, that fucking
place does not have a prayer.
Speaking about not having a prayer, the fucking Bruins last night. Jesus Christ.
We've got our goddamn asses whipped by the Florida Panthers.
You know, because it's the playoffs. All of these people all excited. They won
the most regular season games than ever in the regular season.
It's like it's the regular season. I've been saying this since everybody was
talking about Peyton Manning.
You know, was a better quarterback than Tom Brady. And I just say, I was like,
the playoffs is what counts.
All right. You want 500 yards against the fucking Atlanta Falcons in November?
Or do you want a fucking trophy in February?
So, historically speaking, whoever's won the president's trophy, I don't think
they really win the cup. So I don't understand what all the excitement's about.
You got to win 16 goddamn games. And we are a fast, finesse team. So Florida's
going to get physical with us.
And goddammit, that's what they did. They got in the locker room, came up with
the Olivia Newton-John.
Let's get physical, physical.
I actually missed most of the game. I'm not going to lie to you.
I went to an event last night with my wife. You know?
Because you don't just go out with your wife. You go to events.
I went to a fashion show.
Swear to God.
If there's anything that's less...
Don't you even fucking think about cutting back in here, you fucking Tesla cunt.
You fucking Tesla cunt.
You just think you're just going to drive around?
No, that's not how it works there, lady.
That's right. That's right.
Looking over your shoulder like, what?
Is Chevrolet dead?
Chevrolet, however you say that word.
There's a guy who should have stopped jogging fucking three blocks ago.
Jogging has got to be like the dumbest thing you could ever do.
It's like, hey, I'm young.
I have good hips and knees and feet.
Wouldn't it be great to have the hips, knees, ankles and feet of a fucking 80-year-old?
I think I'll take up jogging.
I will say something about that guy.
At least he was jogging on the sidewalk.
You know?
Something happened during the pandemic where people like, they walk and they
jog now in the street.
And like, out in the street.
Like, they're daring you to fucking hit them.
Um, oh shit, now I'm in the wrong lane.
Is the Tesla going to get me back?
Is the Tesla going to get me back?
Do I need to go into sport mode here?
Ooh, dad's going into sport mode.
What's going to happen next, huh?
Is he going to start singing along to Aerosmith?
Um, yeah, so I went to a fashion show last night at the Hollywood Bowl.
Um, this thing, uh, for this clothing line, Fear of God.
And I got to tell you, it's one of the coolest events I ever went to.
Because I was sitting there going, like, it's going to be at the Hollywood Bowl.
And like, they're just going to walk down the runway.
Like, how long could this thing last?
And they turned it into a whole friggin' show.
It was like cinematic.
There was social commentary.
It was the history of the country.
The whole friggin' thing, it was all there.
The whole, the entire gamut of emotions.
Oh, he was making a left.
And I get to go.
The entire gamut of emotions.
Um, and what I loved was the clothes were actually something that you could
wear.
I was kind of joking with, with the lovely Nia last night.
I was like, you know who, who might have been, like, uh, like, disappointed?
The only people who could have been disappointed.
You know those people that think they're, like, they're into fashion.
And it's just like, no, you just threw a bunch of shit together that doesn't
fucking match.
I have on one Chuck Taylor in one wingtip shoe commenting on, you know, classism.
Oh, is that what you're doing?
I thought you were just dressed like a jerk-off.
Whenever they do that, then, if you're gonna go like that bold, you know.
As I sat there totally looking at, like, somebody who shops at Hot Topic.
You know, no matter how much my wife tried to make it look like I was also into
fashion.
I'm not.
Which we all know.
All right?
I am, like, if I didn't have kids, I would, I would still shop at the mall.
I go to the mall.
I like the mall.
It's got all the stores there.
I can look at stuff.
I can hold it in my hand.
It isn't this shit where I gotta, like, you know, figure out the European size,
you know?
And that's the thing I fucking hate about the internet.
You look at something, you're like, yeah, I think that fits, or I think that's
gonna look good.
And then it shows up, and you look like an absolute fucking jerk-off, and then
what do you do with it?
That's what happened to me.
I bought one of those Mitchell and Ness football jerseys.
I bought a Fran Tarkington, Minnesota Viking, the all-purple one, right?
And I got it, and I was excited.
He was my favorite quarterback in the 70s.
And I put it on, and I look like a fucking jerk-off, you know?
And I had that thing for years until I finally gave it, I gave it away to
somebody on the podcast, I think.
Some poor bastard that's a Vikings fan.
How soon before they changed that name?
Excuse me, Vikings?
Didn't they, like, rape and pillage?
Why is there a white man with beautiful, blonde, flowing hair?
You know?
I mean, the Vikings, hello, rape culture?
Anyway.
That's fucking trash day.
Look at the goddamn barrels are all out.
Less parking.
Less parking, more barrels.
We got the green ones for the clippings.
We got the black ones for trash, and then we have the blue ones for recycling.
And three different trucks come by and pick them up, and then all of them are
dumped in the ocean.
You know what those things are like?
The trash barrels, the different colors.
It's like when you watch one of those how to cook shows, you know?
And there's some fucking, you know, upbeat chick with their fucking white teeth.
Today we're going to make one of our favorite dishes.
I just love the summertime.
Because the summertime for me means kiwis are in season, right?
And they just fucking, there's that stupid fucking piano of someone who just
had a traumaless childhood.
Every day they were encouraged.
They were told that they were loved.
And this is just, you know, major chords are being played, right?
It's a little zippy, a little zippy fucking tune with this fucking, you know,
kitchen that gets a lot of light, right?
And then she comes out there, and she's hot, but not in a hoary way.
But, you know, she swallows, and not just food, right?
Sorry, I'm just saying.
That's sort of like, that's the recipe, right?
So they always have the whole thing laid out.
You know, a little bit of turmeric, a little bit of paprika.
And they always have them in those little fucking bowls.
And they go, you put this in, and that, and that, and that.
And they just fucking mix it up.
And they got the whole, the whole thing, like, comes together in eight minutes.
And it makes it feel like, you know, like you can do this, and it's not going
to take four hours.
Those trash barrels, they're like the trash, the garbage version of one of
those fucking TV shows.
We got our cycling.
Over here we have our clippings to add a little zest.
And here we have the straight-up trash.
And then they dump them all in the same bowl.
Look at this convicted drunk driver.
You know, you know a drunk driver?
Might be a, you know, someone who can't afford a car.
Uh, you know what?
Yeah.
That guy looks like he's had a rough life.
Anytime I see a guy in street clothes, you know, riding a bicycle, it's like,
oh, you got busted.
You got a DUI.
You got a D-wee.
Dude, you hear about fucking Fitzy?
He was driving Smitty home over to fucking Kelly's house.
He was drinking Sambuca all fucking night.
He got pulled over.
Fucking Stady was like, have you been drinking tonight?
He goes, what are you, shit me?
I'm fucking shattered.
Kid blew a fucking three flat.
Was still standing.
They couldn't believe it.
They almost let him go because they were so impressed.
Anyway, I'm working my way over here.
I got to do, I got to shoot something.
Oh, Billy Thespian here.
This is an easy one, though.
Oh, beardless Billy, though.
You know, trying to do something a little different on camera.
Who is that?
Who is that?
Did the Michelin man lose some weight?
Who is that bald, clean-shaven man?
Look at that fucking old guy just walking around with his hand in his pocket.
His whole, I've seen some things.
I've seen some goddamn things.
You fucking think you got it bad.
This is what I'm doing today.
I'm going to handle this bullshit.
And then after I handle this bullshit, I'm going to go fly a chopper.
Beautiful, clear day out here.
I think that's going to be my day.
Not hurting anybody.
Maybe grab a taco along the way.
Celtics up two games to none.
Two games to nil.
Beating down the fucking Atlantic Hawks.
Atlantic?
The Atlanta Hawks, like we should be.
Bruins up fucking, I don't know.
I think that we're going to learn.
This is my prediction.
We're going to learn a lot from that loss.
Because you don't learn anything when you win.
It's the losses where you learn stuff.
I think we're going to learn a lot from that.
And then we're going to kick the shit out of them in game three.
We're going to give them the old right there, Fred.
Do you think anybody's going to even show up for that game down in Florida?
Like what percentage of people in Miami actually know, you know, that they have
a hockey team?
I know that they know they have a baseball team.
Because I think they're always going like, no man, it's too fucking hot.
I don't want to do that.
Or do they have an enclosed one?
I don't fucking know.
Anyway, this is why I don't do podcasts while driving.
I'm trying to think of stuff to talk about while I'm like looking at shit all
at the same time.
I'm on a very depressing street right now.
This is one of these eyesore streets.
They're pretty soon.
Somebody's going to come in.
Ah, there's a couple right there.
They fucking build new houses that are always like twice the goddamn size.
Underrated.
Underrated out here.
One of those little bungalows.
You know, you don't have to buy as much shit.
Is everybody's fried chicken place world famous?
You know, I've done a lot of traveling.
I don't think anybody ever said, hey, have you ever been to fucking Gus's?
I've always wanted to come to America.
I actually like Gus's fried chicken.
Why am I shitting on them?
Oh, look at this guy with his Ford truck.
He's got some skulls and then he's got two pistons.
It