Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 4-27-23
Uploaded: 2023-04-27T20:20:24.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 4-27-23' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-04-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 4-27-23' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-04-27. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 4-27-23

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon,
just before
Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm checking in on you. Wow. Jesus Christ.
Just dropped
my kid off, right? At school. And in my wife's car, the fucking thing starts
making this
noise. It's going making this noise. So I'm like, all right, car of the future.
What the
fuck does that mean? Is the door open? I open the door. I close it. I open all
the fucking
doors. I close them. I fucking stop. I shut the car off. It's still doing it. I
literally
get it into the driveway. I shut it off. I locked the fucking doors and it's
just sitting
there making that fucking noise inside the car. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you.
Fuck you.
I went into settings. You know, that was, that was an expression that didn't
exist when I
was a kid. I was around before personal computers. And I can tell you in my
adult life, one of
the saddest things, saddest new expressions is, or, or, or, or, or instructions.
If you go into your
settings. Okay. Can you, can you open up your settings? Can you go into
settings? Like how much
of your life involves that? Being on the phone with some fucking lonely nerd in
the middle of nowhere
sitting on a phone. Okay. Could you go into setting? You know what operating
system you have?
Do I do? No, I don't know what operating system I have. And then they get like
upset with you. It's
like, dude, I'm sorry. Computers aren't my life. My life is my life. I go out
and do shit.
I'm going to crawl inside this fucking computer. I appreciate that. You know it.
I hate when they
do it. Do you know what your operating system is? And when you don't, they get
like all upset. And it's
just like, Hey, do you know what a setup is? You know, do you know what a callback
is? Am I getting
into the intricacies of fucking comedy? And when you don't know it, I'm going
to, is that really
intricate bill? You know what I mean? Whatever the fuck it is that I do. I
guess I don't have a hard
job. I love how I just started talking about myself. Like I was a doctor. Um,
all right,
whatever. What are you going to do? Um, how about that Bruins game last night?
Bruins Panthers game as
much as it was a hot breaker. Um, what a fucking great game, just quality playoff
hockey, the entire
game. And, um, I'm just not, I'm not going to watch any, any analysis of, uh,
my Bruins,
this playoffs. Cause I know it's all going to be like, they have the greatest
record in modern
regular season history. I thought, why, why don't they win every game? You know,
when they do that
shit, it's like, well, I mean, their record is three and two now. So I don't
understand it.
Every year the per the team that wins the president's trophy wins the Stanley.
Oh, wait,
they don't. Every time somebody has the greatest record in regular season
history, anytime that's
happened, they, they've won it. They won the Stanley Cup. It hasn't. It hasn't.
It actually
means if you're going to look at that, like it's a fucking stat that matters in
the playoffs,
which it doesn't. Um, you would actually say, oh, they did that. They're not
going to win it.
But what it is, is you have these fucking fat Tommy Bahamas shirt wearing
sports writers and what they
do, their job is to just hype shit through the fucking roof to get you excited.
And then when it
doesn't happen, they ignore history. So I'm not buying into any of that. All
right. We had an
unbelievable regular season. And guess what that means in the playoffs? It
doesn't mean shit
because immediately they reset the odometer and everybody's zero and zero. And
when we win this
series, which I think we will actually think we're going to win game six, um,
our records four and two
in the playoffs. And then guess what? We go to the next round and it's zero and
zero again. So, um,
um, I really wish there was just somebody on network television or somebody in
the newspaper
who just would have the fucking, there's no way they don't know this. You know
what I mean?
I mean, how many times can you watch this happen? So, um, I actually going into
the playoffs,
didn't think the Bruins were the favorite. I just, I think they're bigger and
faster in the West,
you know, Edmonton and Colorado to the Seattle Kraken are fucking a pain in the
ass team
to have to, to, to win four out of seven. Forget about just going into their
building and playing
one game and being like, toodaloo, like you do in the regular season. Anyway,
uh, I thought it was,
um, I just thought it was a, it was a great hockey game. Um, despite my son
yelling at me because he
wanted to watch fire engines and like that, cause that's what I always do the
whole, the whole regular
season. I would just be like, all right, I watched the game later, which I
would never do. Cause by
then I would fall asleep. Um, but, uh, now it's the playoffs. So now rather
than being the new age
dad of like, okay, son, if that's what you want to watch, dad will shut off his
program. I'm now
in 19, you know, seventies dad, you know, it's the playoffs, son. All right.
See that team with
the B on their Jersey. I refuse to call it a sweater. It's not a sweater. Hasn't
been a sweater
since the 1930s. Um, root for that team. Hopefully. I don't even say that cause
I don't want to
have a contrarian start rooting for somebody else. But, um, and the Celtics, I
missed that game too.
Um, this is the new me. Remember the old me on the podcast? I saw every game.
Uh, this is the new me
bill with kids, bill with kids, misses games, but he knows what's going on as
far as the, the,
uh, the, uh, the results at least. Um, that fucking Trey young, Jesus Christ. I
got to watch the end of
that game. You know, as much as I hate that he, he beat my team, uh, you gotta,
you gotta love watching
greatness though. Um, my father-in-law was telling me saying, uh, we had the
game one and he just
fucking took over the game. Um, which obviously I don't like to see when it
happens to Celtics,
but as a fan of sports, you know, I love seeing somebody take over a fucking
game.
You know, you live vicariously through them. Like, yeah, that's what I would do.
No, Bill,
that's not what you'd do. Don't you remember gym class? Wouldn't it be great if
they actually
had your all-time stats from gym class? If people could look them up. So when
you were in a bar,
you know, gym class, or if you played organized sports, um, at the high school
level, you know,
when you were talking shit about everything you did, someone could actually
Google you. I bet in
the future you'll be able to do that. Yeah. It says here in, uh, dodgeball, uh,
you know,
you never got, you never got past the top 16. So I don't think you got such a
strong arm. You
don't think you're that fucking fast. Do they, they don't play dodgeball
anymore. Do they? I
actually think that's one, that's a good thing. Um, I'll tell you what's
embarrassing is watching
all, all the older generations acting like, uh, I saw something the other day,
right? I'm,
I'm also guilty of this, but I don't take it to this level. There was something
about like the 1970s
and somebody wrote, yeah, back in the, yeah. Cause back in the seventies, no
one complained
and someone goes, that's right. Cause then your parents would say, I'll give
you something to
complain about. They would say, I'll give you something to complain about
because you were
complaining. People have been complaining back in the cave bad days. I wonder
if the women,
if they, you know, cause they could drag them around by their hair, if they
wouldn't bitch
about the cave, this is the biggest cave you could find. Um, all right. Anyway,
uh, plowing
ahead here. I had a, uh, I had a, uh, I had a great day yesterday, but, uh,
last night, not
so great. Not so great. My son has been just getting out of the crib now. And,
uh, not only
can he get out, he can get back in again. Okay. The little man has grip
strength and he'll,
he will do a, a pull up into a muscle up and go right up and over. Um, so he
just keeps
getting out, you know, all day and night. And, uh, I don't know what to do
about it. Cause
I'm not going to yell at him. I'll mutter when I come down the hall, but I'm
not, I'm
not doing that yelling thing. So I just like, I heard his door open two nights
ago at like,
I don't know, like fucking midnight. And I get up and I go down the hall. He
keeps going
into his daughter's, his daughter, my daughter's room. So, oh no, I was
downstairs. That's right.
So I went upstairs. I saw his door was open and the light was out. So I first
went
into my daughter's room. He wasn't in there. So then I went down the hall to
our bedroom
and he wasn't in there. And I'm like, what the fuck? So I opened the door to
his bedroom.
It's pitch black. I turn on the light and he's standing like three feet away
from me, staring
up at me like a fucking horror movie. I'm like, buddy. He's like, yeah. I'm
like, you got
to go back to bed. And he goes, yeah. And I put him in bed. And, um, the only
way I can
get him to stay there is we have a, uh, an adult sized bed in there. And
eventually I just
have to stay in there, which is stupid because now he wants me to be in there.
That's what
I created. Listen to me. Look how fucking tired I am. So I'm laying in the bed
and the other
night he gets out. Like last night he got out. I just heard, I was just too
tired to put
him back in the bed. And I was just like, buddy, come on, get in the bed. So he
gets in the
bed with me. I don't know if this was like two in the morning. And for the next,
I don't
even know how, how long, 90 minutes, he won't stop squirming, you know, like
laying on my
head, kicking me, like grabbing onto me. And he's like a little hot water
bottle, you know?
Um, and then I don't know what happened. He finally went to sleep and his, he
was like
right in my ear snoring. Yeah. So he's right in my ear and he's, he's, he's snoring.
And
now I can't move. Cause I'm so worried that like, if I move, I'm going to wake
him up and
then I'm going to have another 90 minutes of him squirming around and shit. And,
uh, I
don't know. And then I fell asleep and I woke up this morning. I could just
hear him breathing
like a little dog in my ear. And I kind of pulled my head to the side and I
looked and
he looked so frigging cute. Just 100% passed out. So I was able to kind of slip
out of the
bed and get out of there, go downstairs and make my daughter French toast
before I took her
to school. And of course I didn't use the right bread, you know? And she's like,
dad, I'm like,
what? I told you not to use the bread with the sesame seeds on it. And it's
just like, all
right. All right. You know what I actually did? I just, I didn't, I didn't say
anything. I just
went over and she had separated them. I just took them. I put them in a little
bowl
and she kept bitching at me and I just didn't say anything. I was just looking
at her, just
listening. And it's funny cause that's works with her mom too. And when she
really just starts
laying into me and I just don't feel like fighting and I don't give a fuck, you
know, I just go,
all right. That always, it always works. I don't know why. If you, if you
engage with them,
they're just like, you're just in for it. You're in for a fucking long knockdown,
drag it out. And
it's just, it's not going to get anywhere. It's just going to ruin a day. So I
feel good about that.
Like the last two times I was going to get into it with my wife and the last
two times I was,
you know, my daughter was like, you know, coming at me. I just kind of sit
there and look at her like,
all right. Okay.
Continue on with this one-sided war. Oh my God. I apologize for this podcast. I'm
so fucking wiped
out last night. I got like, I feel like I got like two hours sleep. Um, but
anyway, I had a great
day yesterday. Oh, I didn't even tell you guys. I didn't even tell you this.
Guess what? My
fucking Ford F-250 came on Monday, came on Monday. It is absolutely fucking
gorgeous. It's the best
looking F-250 I'v