Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 5-4-23
Uploaded: 2023-05-04T20:17:46.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 5-4-23' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-05-04. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 5-4-23' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-05-04. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 5-4-23

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon,
just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm checking in on you.
How are you? How's it going? How's your team doing? Is your team still in the
fucking playoffs? Because mine isn't.
Gradually getting over this. I've been actually watching a lot of playoff
hockey. What about the fucking Seattle Kraken, knocking out the avalanche?
I mean, that's fun to see, but then it's also like, you know, I wanted to watch
Conor McKinnon and that kid who's the next Bobby Orr, and now they're not there,
right?
I have been enjoying watching the Edmonton Oilers, even though they lost last
night.
I watched the first, like, period and a half before my kids came downstairs
from their bath, and then suddenly we were, what the hell did we end up
watching?
Although, the Pink Panther. I like the earlier ones, where it's just, you know,
Henry Mancini's music.
But then in the late 70s ones, they sort of, they re-recorded it.
And you know what's funny? Now that I'm all jaded and in this business, it's
like they didn't want to keep paying them.
So they fucking re-recorded it, you know, like Ozzy and What's Her Face did
with the fucking Bark at the Moon albums or whatever they did to fuck over the
drummer and the bass player.
They re-recorded the thing, and then, uh, then they added this shit music.
I can't remember how it went. It was stuck in my head in a fucking loop.
Anyway, ended up watching that, but I'll tell you right now, that, that fucking
goal last night.
I'm sorry, I'm fighting off a cold here.
Leon Dreisaitl.
You know what's amazing? Okay, for those of you who didn't see it, he was like,
like, parallel to the net.
So there's no way you can score.
There's this, there's like fucking two inches of clearance above the goalie's
shoulder.
He flips it up off his back, which is, he's not the first guy to do it, all
right?
But he's doing it at the NHL level in a playoff game.
I know other guys in the NHL have done it, but like, what's amazing is, because
like, the goaltender actually,
when the puck went behind him, he freaked out, and he turned around.
It hit his right shoulder, and he turned to the right.
And I guarantee you, like, like, kids coming up now, they're going to learn how
to stop that shot.
Because I was thinking, he wanted to turn the other way.
He's got to bat it out with his shoulder.
You know who might have saved that?
Was, uh, who is that fucking lunatic who head-butted the puck?
Goaltender from way back in the day.
Ah, he had the birdcage mask.
What the fuck was his name?
Played for Buffalo.
Won with the Red Wings.
Oh, Jesus.
Ken Dryden?
I can't remember his fucking name.
But anyway, I've been enjoying the hell out of watching the Edmonton Oilers.
And Connor McDavid, Jesus Christ, when that guy gets the fucking puck and turns
on the Jets,
all of a sudden, everybody in there looks like they're in fucking AAA, Thunder
Bay,
whatever the fuck you call the minor leagues of hockey.
And he just creates so much goddamn space.
And everybody, you can just see, like, the defense is just like, you know, hold
your possession.
Hold your possession.
Like, oh, fuck, he's got the puck.
And I think they just get, like, mesmerized by him.
And then just one of the, you know, either Dreisaitl or fucking Evander Kane
just moves ever so slightly north or south.
And then they're just wide open for a one-timer that goes in the back of the
net.
It's fucking amazing.
Amazing hockey to watch.
Unlike what I watched in the series between the Bruins and the Panthers.
Although, how about those Florida Panthers?
Going up there, taking away home ice from the fucking Toronto Maple Leafs.
I still don't fucking understand that.
That if there's four, going through puberty on this podcast.
When there's four games in your building and there's three games in their
building, mathematically, there's no fucking way they're taking away home ice.
All right, we lost the game, but we're still playing four in our building.
That's still going to happen.
If we go seven games, there's still four in my building.
So what the fuck are you talking about?
So now you won.
All right, now it's three and three.
It doesn't make any fucking...
I just think that's this stupid fucking thing that they say to try to add drama.
Speaking of drama, Jesus Christ, me defending...
I don't even watch Hoop.
I haven't watched Hoop since they had the safe space underneath the fucking rim.
You know?
The, hey, you can't stand here.
You know, you can drop off your kid at school, but you got to get the fuck out
of here.
That little zone there.
You know, once guys started dunking on nobody and started screaming like they're
in 300, I just kind of...
It's so dumb.
It is so fucking...
Why can't the defensive player be underneath there?
I get the offensive...
Even then, just post up.
I miss that shit.
The fucking battles underneath.
Two seven-footers going at it.
I mean, that was the best.
Fucking Kareem posting up against fucking Parrish.
Then him getting his little forearm out as he turned to do the skyhook.
That's all fucking gone.
Now he's out there fucking...
The seven-footers are out there shooting like a fucking point guard.
We already got one of those.
I just...
It's redundant.
Bill, we get it.
You don't like the NBA.
I like the way things were back when women drank wine coolers.
I'm an idiot.
Don't listen to me.
Anyway.
How about the Florida Panthers coming in and winning game one against the Maple
Leafs?
And you knew they would.
You knew they would.
What are the Maple Leafs going to do?
Make it easy on their fans?
What, are they going to be up in a series?
They're always going to be crawling out of a fucking hole.
And the day they go up three games to none, you know they're losing the next
three games.
I'm not saying they're going to lose game seven.
Maybe this isn't your parents' Toronto Maple Leafs.
Maybe this isn't your grandparents' Toronto Maple Leafs.
How many generations have gone by?
I mean, I feel like I have to root for the Maple Leafs in the East.
I'm not going to do that cunty thing where I'm going to root for the Florida
Panthers
because they beat my team and then somehow if they win the Stanley Cup,
it doesn't feel as bad.
It's going to feel bad.
All right?
It still feels bad.
My family is feeling the effects of the loss.
I'm sitting over in the corner in the dark.
Dad, what's the matter?
You want to play chutes and ladders?
I don't feel like it.
No, I'm not taking it to that level.
But I think as far as the West, I really enjoy the Edmonton Oilers.
I like watching them play.
You know what's funny is I fucking hate Carolina.
I hate the fucking Carolina Hurricanes because I forget what year it was.
They beat us in like a Game 7.
It was a clinching game.
I can't remember.
And the guy who scored the goal dropped his stick and he skated down the ice
doing like jazz hands.
He was like doing Fossey.
Like his hands were up over his head.
He was like, oh!
It's actually, whoever did that, it was great because it made it extra annoying
that he scored a fucking overtime goal against us.
You know, you want a guy to score a goal and then act like a man afterwards.
You know the way Messier would just put both arms up and have that stoic look
on his face?
Messier had that jaw that looked like it was made out of granite.
You know, you can take, I mean, as hard as it is, you can take when a guy like
that scores a goal.
But when a dude scores a goal and then he looks like he's conducting the glee
club as he fucking goes down.
You know, hold that note!
Fucking, I'll never get old.
It is so, it's such a fucking petty reason to not like the Carolina Hurricanes.
But that is the reason why.
It's the reason why I don't like those fuckers.
Anyways, not to mention they used to be the Hartford Whalers.
Speaking of petty, oh my God, like me defending, I was saying, the dude there,
Giannis, Giannis, however you say his fucking name, Ante Tocampo.
I got more goddamn sports fans writing into me.
Going, I'm sorry, Bill, that was a bad take.
Okay, if you're a number one seed and you lose to a team that played in, that
is a failure.
You know, I just think that's just such like a one-dimensional way of looking
at that.
Because obviously it's a failure.
Obviously it's a massive failure.
You know, I just was looking at the motivation behind the fucking question.
Which I kind of felt like the guy asking the question was excited, you know,
that this fucking giant guy that looks like he's chiseled out of granite had a
failure.
And he needed him to say that he felt like a failure so he could feel better
about leaving the arena in his Honda CRX and going home and banging a four.
That's what I think.
I think that guy had, what do they call that, big dick energy?
That guy had sweater vest energy.
That guy had, you know, in the dance club, up against the wall, I can't dance.
None of these chicks are going to go for me.
You know, if I was actually really mature, I would have empathy for the sports
writer too and not just the athlete.
I always feel like those fucking, those fucking sports writers, they're so
close to it.
They're so close to the money and the cars and the pussy and the glory, but
they don't get to touch it.
It just drives them nuts.
And every once in a while.
Hey, Tom Brady, like, what do you think?
Can you say that your hair is a little, doesn't look quite as good as it did
yesterday?
Do you have more of a bedhead today?
Do you think, do you consider yourself a failure?
You know, they'll say shit like that.
Like, it doesn't even fucking make sense.
It's a guy put, he put fucking Milwaukee back on the map as far as an NBA power.
They were dormant for 50 fucking years.
The last time they won, I think fucking Kareem's name was Lew Alcindor.
Nixon hadn't even bugged fucking Watergate yet or whatever the fuck.
Happened.
It was a liberal conspiracy.
Probably was.
Probably was.
And then years later, they got him back.
They got the liberals back when they fucking nailed Bill Clinton for fucking
lying about a blowjob.
I did not have sexual relations with that woman.
I love the fucking determination on his face when he, when he tells that lie.
Like, I mean, it's actually kind of fucking amazing.
His, the conviction.
I guess the stakes were so high and he was just like, you know.
I really feel like Hillary Clinton in a good mood would be hard enough to deal
with.
The last thing he needs to do is be like, all right, I stuck a cigar in a pussy.
She said he has, he's got to go sleep downstairs on the couch in the Oval
Office.
How funny is that?
It's just something fucking hilarious about like the level of that problem at
that height.
You know what I mean?
How he can't be like, I, I, I fucking won the election.
I can't get a blowjob on the side.
No, I haven't earned that.
I mean, how many more fucking pairs of shoes are you going to buy?
That's different.
Is it?
That, you know, that hurts me the way, nah, that's a bad argument.
There's really no way to get out of it.
What if you went the other way with it?
I did have sexual relations with that woman.
I'll tell you, I enjoyed it.
She was young.
It made me feel good.
And I'll tell you right now, that was the best cigar I ever smoked after.
You know what's fucked up about that?
Is if he actually did say that, if he was that fucking honest, like he, I think
he would
get, even conservatives would have to be like, all right, man, I kind of got to
ride with
this guy now.
Anyway, listen, you guys have seen Hillary.
I mean, what was I supposed to do?
Not like he's a good looking guy.
I don't know.
You know what annoys me is my wife always goes, yeah, I don't know.
There's just something about him.
It's just amazing.
Those guys like that.
They just fucking, they got that it factor, you know, and they can be complete
dirtbags
and women still fuck, like women still like that guy.
You know, if he was a fucking ugly bastard, you know what I mean?
He wasn't alwa