Name: Monday Morning Podcast 5-8-23
Uploaded: 2023-05-08T20:08:27.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 5-8-23' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-05-08. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 5-8-23' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-05-08. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 5-8-23

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for Monday.
Hey, hey, hey. May 8th, 2023. What's going on? How are you?
Oh, geez. How you doing?
Oh, Billy Raspy voice just did two shows in Las Vegas at the Park MGM.
Used to be known as the Monte Carlo, which I confused with the Bellagio, you
know, because they looked very similar until Park MGM bought it and they put
the green outline on it.
Maybe that's why they did that. Maybe because the MGM is green. Maybe green's
their colors. I don't know what.
But all I know is I did two shows out there and I want to thank everybody that
came out, had an amazing time and it was an unbelievable show, too.
I brought Nate Craig out, who's got a special coming out very soon with all
things comedy.
And then we had Erica Rhodes was on it, too, who fucking killed me all weekend.
It was absolutely hilarious. If you don't know about her, you definitely should.
Just an amazing comedian. And we had a great time. First time I ever brought
her out on the road.
She was she was definitely fun hang. It was just a great time. She had a great
time.
You know, the first day I went down and the fucking elliptical stunk, you know,
oh, oh, my God, I can't even I can't fucking believe how out of shape I am.
I'm like so like in in shape, out of shape. They got a little jazz Gretsch kit
backstage for me to mess around on. And there was a mirror to the side of me,
dude.
And I sat down. And when I looked over, it was like. It was like all my muscle
just turned to fat and just went like, right?
Just my back and my front were just like, it's like, oh, my, I look like a
fucking salesman, you know, like that's what I remember when I worked in the
warehouse when the suits, you know, at the company picnic.
All of a sudden would would be out there in like a fucking T-shirt. You'd be
like, Jesus Christ, where did that fucking 40 pounds come from?
So, yeah, I really let myself go here, man. I got to get I'm, you know, so I'm
pretty.
But I did good, though, you know, the whole weekend.
The room, you know, it has all the fucking snacks in it, all of that shit.
Stayed away from all of that. The only thing I took was I had a.
I had some peanuts.
It's some douche right now. Oh, too much sodium. Oh, the sodium. You're going
to retain water.
Shut up. I'm not a fitness model.
OK, it was the best fucking choice other than the M&Ms, Three Musketeer.
What else did they have? Every fucking candy bar you could possibly want.
Stayed away from all of it for the first time ever, because I usually I'm like,
I ain't fucking with any of that shit.
And then Kenny will be like, do you want me to take it out of the room?
I'm like, no, it's fine. It's fine. I can fucking handle it, you know, and then
I'm fucking.
You know, it's funny. I used to do that when I was a kid.
I used to get up early in the morning and I would sneak like a chocolate chip
cookie because no one was around.
And I remember getting caught by my dad.
We literally had a cookie jar. This is how old I am.
We actually it wasn't in like a package. You had a jar of cookies.
My mother probably made them. So it was a cookie jar and there was chocolate
chip cookies in them in there.
And like, you know, I don't know how parents are now. Like, you know, they just
give their kids fucking whatever.
I'm going to do that old man thing. We're like, you know, back when I was a kid,
you couldn't get sleep.
But they my parents, you know, my dad was a dentist.
So he's like, yeah, you're not eating that shit.
Like the only time we had soda was when we went to Papa Gino's to get pizza.
Then you were allowed to have a Coke, but you couldn't have a Coke.
But we all had paper routes. Every once in a while we would go up to the to the
corner store up there and buy some football cards.
But, you know, it's funny. I could never finish a soda.
I just always felt like I was drinking like, I don't know what, like it was
your belly would get all distended.
I could never finish it when I was younger.
But anyway.
Yeah, I woke up one morning.
One of the many different places I lived at as a kid, I think we were on the
North Shore at that point.
And I copped up on the counter, you know, literally had to do like a muscle up.
It was so small, you know, got up there.
Maybe I brought a stool over and I literally had my hand in the cookie jar.
We had like a breezeway and my dad had left.
I didn't even know he had left, but he forgot something.
He had come back in.
The garage was on the other side of the breezeway and he just tapped on the
glass with his keys as my hand was literally in the cookie jar.
Just like the expression.
Hand in the cookie jar.
So I've always been like that.
So I'm trying to, trying to finish that part of my life.
Just, I'm just like, well, I turned 55 on June 10th and I am not fucking having
any sugar.
Um, until then.
Right.
And then what?
And then what, Bill?
You're going to go back to sugar?
I'm not doing any heroin until, you know, I'm really starting to realize the
amount of shit that people are addicted to.
Like, I actually think that the new addiction, and I'm actually guilty of this,
is like social media and the internet and allowing it to, uh, it does something
to your brain or whatever.
Like, you know what's fucking weird?
Like, if I see a video and it's like nine minutes long, I'm like, I don't, I
don't have nine minutes.
You know, but then I will sit there and watch like 4,000 fucking one minute
clips for the next five hours or whatever.
I know the math doesn't work out, but you know what I mean.
But I'm not going to sit there and commit to nine minutes.
Although I did watch an amazing documentary.
Wait, stick on the, stay on the subject, Bill.
Um, I actually think that, like, um, social media and all that stuff, it's
starting to make people, like, mentally ill.
And it's creating a new race of people.
I'm going to call them the Instagrammers.
Because, you know, like, when you look at a picture on Instagram, and you
clearly know, you're like, that, that photo has been fucked with.
Right?
Like, there's, like, I don't know, a filter, or they elongated the body, or,
like, you know, nip-tuck here or there, or the person's had plastic surgery.
Now, I'm actually seeing people, clusters of people, they seem to hang out
together, like races do, you know?
White people over here, black people over there, you know how we are, right?
Now you have the Instagrammers, and you see them, they, they fucking, they're
shiny.
They have all top label stuff, and they don't, they almost, you're looking at
them, you know they're human.
Wait, are the robots here?
You're looking at them, like, they, they kind of, they don't look like any
people I've ever seen before.
Their faces aren't sweaty, they're shiny.
And it's, like, younger people, too, so I think they're, they're getting, like,
uh, I don't know.
I think the way the guys are tattooing their face, I think a lot of the women
are Botox in their face when they're young.
I have no fucking idea.
But I'm looking at these people, I'm going, like, I just couldn't put my finger
on them.
I go, what is going on with, with, with these, like, I just keep seeing them.
They pop up more, and more, and more, I think the robots are already here, or
some really, um, good-looking in a different way aliens have begun, you know,
living amongst us.
I don't know what it, I don't know what it is.
Everything's like E. C. Laurent, Bien Salaga, uh, that fucking M store, the
store begins with M, you know, what's that one?
I don't fucking know, you know, all that designer label shit, and you're just
looking at them, like, you got, like, that's, like, a, you got, like, five
grand worth of shit on above your waist.
Like, I don't, you know, I don't know.
Um, but anyway, and then you got those types of people who are trying to look
Kardashian-esque, and then you have the people that you can tell, you can see
it on their face that they argue politics all the time on the internet.
They have, like, they have, like, the weight of the world on their face, and,
um, and then this bizarre sort of idea that they, that they know how to change
things, or that everything would be perfect if we all just did what they wanted
to do.
I'm kind of noticing, you know, as the widget salesman has faded away, getting
onto airplanes, the Instagrammers, and the politicos, whatever they are, they
look like, uh, I don't know.
Like, you ever just be having, like, I did it to, I did it to my buddy today.
Like, you know, I watched a podcast, and somebody just said something so
fucking stupid.
I, I didn't, I, I, I didn't know what to say about it.
It was some, I don't want to get into it, because I don't want to, like, start
a fucking war with, like, another podcast, but it was just, like, essentially,
I don't know how to talk around it, but it was just one of those things where
it's just, like, how could you be so fucking ignorant?
Like, you know that thing that people do where they act like history begins the
second something bad happens to them, and they don't try to see, well, how did
we, how did we come up to this point?
Like, how the fuck did we get here?
You know what I mean?
It was like Trump.
When Trump fucking got in office, and I remember seeing this person on TV going,
oh, this was, uh, white people wanted to take the country back.
They wanted to take the country back with this guy, and it's just like, well,
there's way more white people that, you know, that they could have easily just
voted against Barack twice, and he would have lost.
So that's not what it was.
It was, I think it was 2008 when the bankers fucked everybody again, yet again,
and they got away with it, and then we just had career politicians.
Barack Obama, career politician, Hillary Clinton, career politician, and then
this guy comes in, like, fucking, you know, hacksaw Jim Duggan, right?
Saying he's gonna clean everything up, even though he's part of the fucking
problem.
That was one of the most amazing things I saw.
Oh, the rich guy who doesn't pay taxes is gonna help me out?
Oh, okay.
This should be, oh, I'm gonna drain the swamp.
I'm fucking neck deep in.
So, um, anyway, I don't even know what the fuck I'm going with this shit, but,
like, uh, like, people, they, they, they, they act like, you know, I don't know.
Why might I just get off the subject?
Because I'm gonna end up saying what it is, and I just, I just don't need to
create any more fucking drama in my life.
Um, speaking of drama, the goddamn motherfucking Florida fucking Panthers won
again.
I just watched them win in overtime.
I watched the game.
They are fucking relentless.
They're like, they're like Jason from Friday the 13th.
Like, their goalie should be wearing a fucking Jason mask.
Remember those old horror movies in the 80s where, like, the, the victims
running away and the, and the, and the, the fucking Jason guy is just walking
briskly and somehow catches up with them and they're always tripping over
fucking logs?
That's what the Florida Panthers are.
They've won six fucking games in a row.
Remember when Toronto won their first playoff series since, uh, I don't know
what, we've been riding horses to get to work?
Some of us still do, Bill.
All right, fair enough.
I love horses.
It's a lot of things I love, but, like, I don't know anything about them.
I do love horses.
Um, anyway, you know, they make you want to work out.
I don't get the legs, though.
I just don't understand how they don't tip over.
A lot of those big fucking things with the little legs.
Moose, mooses, right?
Horses, giraffes.
Just don't understand it.
Like, why they have such little fucking legs?
Like, can you imagine if they had, like, more, like, linebacker fucking legs?
Or weightlifter legs?
Just kicking the shit out of the Lions?
Just kicking the shit out of the Lions?
Get me all right there, Fred?
Well, the Florida Panthers, six games in a row.
So, anyways, when the Toronto Maple Leafs won their first round