Name: Monday Morning Podcast 5-15-23
Uploaded: 2023-05-16T16:53:46.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 5-15-23' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-05-16. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 5-15-23' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-05-16. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 5-15-23

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for Monday, May 15th, 2023.
What's going on? How are ya?
Oh, shit. It's Sunday. It's Happy Mother's Day.
Happy Mother's Day.
Do-do-ba-do-do. Everybody bows down to you, woo, but they don't care about
other people.
Well, obviously you got to give it up to the moms out there.
I was just like, mothers, for all the things you do, just how you do it, how
you find the time.
You know, why don't they do that for engineers?
I don't know how you do it. What do you mean? It's a fucking kid. What, are you
just going to leave it there?
I don't know how you do it. You love it.
Engineers, I don't know. How do you do it? How do you dam up a river and drown
all those animals?
How do you know how many people to tell to clear out of the valley before it
goes under fucking 400 fucking feet of water?
How do you do it? How do you do what you do? How do you know what to build the
fucking dam?
How does the water not go around the dam?
It's fucking water.
How do you do? I don't, you know what, engineers, I don't know how you do what
it is that you do.
But I'll tell you this, I do know how a mother does what she does.
I don't find it confusing.
I'm not saying I don't respect them.
I'm not saying it's not their day.
But I am so sick of people, like, scratching their heads like they just can't
get their fucking head around it.
It has nothing to do with being a mother.
It has to do with how fearful men are of an upset woman.
So you just have to just constantly be gassing them up to make sure, God, you
got to make sure they feel appreciated.
If you fucking know anything, anything that, oh my, I don't know how you just
sat down on that couch like that.
I mean, it's just, you're a woman.
I mean, the wonderment of you.
You know, meanwhile, you know, somebody's fucking rerouting water from the top
of this state.
And we all down here literally in these, these metropolises that should not
even exist.
The California aqueduct, people, I don't know how you, I don't know how you did
that.
I still don't know how you do it.
I don't know why you did it either.
Should have fucking left this place alone.
How can we get a bunch of mouth-breathing morons to live in this part of the
world?
So, you know, we, we, we fought a battle.
We, we took it over.
But now what are we going to do with it?
If we're not there, the people we defeated will gradually come back into, let's
get a bunch of fucking, let's get some water down here.
We'll, we'll build some theme parks.
We'll get, well, I got it.
We'll have a factory, right?
That'll create jobs, but it also serves cake.
Just listen to me on this one, okay?
Cheesecake.
Everybody's favorite.
All right?
Everybody back here thinks of a factory.
They think of fucking smokestacks and fucking, you know, miner's lung and all
of this shit.
And I'm just, you know, going to get used up and I'm going to die.
And some guy in a top hat, you know, like Andrew Carnegie or Andrew Carnegie,
if you're from Pittsburgh, is going to make all the money and then say, I owe
the public nothing.
That's what they think.
Out here, our factories are going to make cake.
I don't know if that's the history of California, but I'm going with that.
Anyway, before I get too deep into this, oh, Billy, new dates.
Oh, Billy's got some new ones on the calendar.
Billy, new dates.
Thursday, June 22nd, 2023.
What are you doing?
What are you doing on Thursday?
Hey, everybody.
What are you doing Thursday, June 22nd, 20 fucking 23?
Are you going to be anywhere near Hershey, Pennsylvania?
I'm at the Giant Center.
And then July 6th, 2023, Allentown, Pennsylvania.
Allentown, Pennsylvania, PPL Center.
I'm at the PPL Center, people, in Allentown, Pennsylvania.
That sounds like a fucking one of those Pennsylvania towns that Billy Joel
would write a song about the blue collar people.
You know?
And I'm out there on the Allentown steamer.
And I'm fucking got on my big rubber boots.
And I'm doing this shit.
And I'm fucking going over there.
And my wife is a fucking cunt.
Oh, la-di-da.
Saturday, or Saturday, or the rest of the world.
July 15th, 2023, Tacoma, Washington.
I'm doing the Emerald Queen Casino.
Hello.
And hotel.
Then we added one.
What the fuck am I doing out there?
Sunday, October 1st, 2023, I'm in Springfield, Massachusetts at the Mass Mutual
Center, kid.
And then Thursday, October 5th, I'm at Niagara Falls, Ontario, at the Fallsview
Casino and Resort.
Now, back in the day, Niagara Falls, that was the place that you went to on
your honeymoon.
You know?
And if you didn't push her over, you stayed married.
No, that's what people would do.
And back in the day, you know, the original X Games was people for publicity.
To just show how daring they were.
Because back in the day, being daring could get you some pussy.
Right?
You had to be a daredevil.
You know?
You couldn't just fly a plane.
You had to get out of the fucking thing while your friend flew it and walked on
the wings.
Hey, ladies, how many of you meet my friend?
Right?
We don't want to meet him.
He's a wind walker.
A wing walker.
Sorry.
And next thing you know, they're just lining up.
Lining up.
To give that guy syphilis.
That's how it worked back then.
And there was no cure for it.
So, back in the day, the original X Games, people would get in, for some
fucking reason, the big thing was to try to go over the falls in a barrel.
To go over the falls in a barrel and live.
And then that would be, that was your fucking thing.
Because there was no sitcoms.
There was no movies or whatever.
There was, well, how were you going to get famous?
The only famous people were, were super, like, super rich people.
Robert Barron's.
The JP Morgan's.
The Vanderbilt's.
The fucking Astor's.
The, uh, the what's your, Andrew Carnegie.
Carnegie in fucking Pittsburgh.
Yeah, the Robert Barron's.
The Rockefeller's.
J.D. Rockefeller, right?
That's when every white guy just wanted to go by initials.
That was like some fucking white pimp shit back in the day.
I'm H.D. Buttercup, see?
Nice to meet you.
J.D. Rockefeller.
Get your hands out of your pockets.
Um, anyway.
So if you're just a regular person, how the fuck were you going to get famous?
Riding around on a horse robbing banks?
Then eventually you're going to get hung.
You didn't want to do that.
You didn't have the fucking balls to join Jesse James or the Younger Gang or
whatever.
Or Billy the Kid.
That fucking lunatic, right?
One of America's greatest spoiled brats, Billy the Kid.
Threw a temper tantrum with a gun, you know?
One of the most American things you can do, I feel.
Um.
I don't know anything about any of these people.
Um.
Yeah, you'd get a barrel.
If you're just a regular fucking person.
All right?
And you didn't have the fucking.
You didn't have the sack.
You know, to walk up to some chick in a hoop dress.
You know, and a fan and a little parasol.
And you came walking up.
You didn't look like a gunfighter.
Right?
You knew you weren't getting any.
So you had to go out there and you had to go do.
Some dumb shit.
But back then it was called being daring.
All right?
And you would get in a fucking barrel.
You'd close the lid and you would just float.
And you'd go over the falls in a wooden barrel.
And you'd die.
There was one guy went over the falls one time.
And on the way down he hit a rock and got stuck.
And then he was in there.
He either drowned or suffocated.
I can't remember what.
There was one kid.
You know what's funny?
There was one kid.
He actually fell out of a boat.
Had nothing on but a life preserver.
He went over the falls and he actually lived.
So it really was like a...
It was sort of Russian roulette with a river.
But that's what they did back in the day.
The original X Games.
You know?
There was no selfies around.
How would you even prove that you did it?
You couldn't sit there and do like...
You know like those influences on YouTube?
And you know they always turn them on.
Like is anything worse like when something happens
and you just want to see the clip of it
and then you got to sit through that YouTuber's fucking intro?
You know?
Like something.
Whatever.
A fucking cow falls down a flight of stairs
and lands on a...
I don't know.
I don't know.
Some fat chick playing a piano.
Whatever.
I'm just spitballing here.
Right?
And that's what you want to watch.
And then you click on the video
and then there's immediately some fucking douche
with his eyebrows up going,
Oh shit.
You guys aren't going to believe this one.
Okay.
It's fucking Allentown, Pennsylvania.
They got a staircase, right?
Now this isn't just any other staircase.
You got to fucking go.
It's just show the video.
I know what happened.
I don't need you.
I speak English.
I can read the title.
Why do I need you to walk me through?
And then the cop...
Okay, right here.
We're going to stop right...
This is when a cow starts to fall.
Show it!
It's one of my big...
My big frustrations in life.
Oh, Billy can drink coffee again.
He's off his little fucking fast here.
And I got to tell you,
I'm feeling like I don't want it.
I don't know what it is.
I just...
The last couple of times I went to get off it,
I had a headache.
I'm like, what the fuck am I doing here?
You know, having said that,
I'll probably end this podcast and go get a cup.
But like, I don't know.
I think I've had enough cappuccinos to last me a lifetime.
And now I started like following some like coffee shit on Instagram.
And I'll tell you this, I don't...
As much as I like food and coffee,
I don't vibe with those people.
You know what I mean?
Like the second, like the music that they play,
you know that fucking music they play?
For some reason, whenever there's a cooking video,
like the music has to be like,
it's perfectly dividing the line between being happy and upbeat
and just absolutely mindless.
You know?
And there's always some chipper, like fucking,
you know,
she's hot, but not in a whorey way,
like in the kitchen, right?
Because she's got to be the wholesome one.
You know?
She's not going to teach you how to make whore food.
It'd be all like pickles and hot dogs and phallic shaped things.
Baguettes.
You know, she's going to do more of the wholesome things.
The wholesome cooking.
Oh my God.
Wouldn't that be great?
I think that's the only cooking show the Food Network hasn't done yet.
Just how to make whore food.
What is it?
What are you?
I would, like, what is that?
There's no such thing as that.
But you can just brand it.
Like they do anything, like how real estate agents,
you know, there's some shitty part of the fucking city
that the government doesn't care about
and they're not investing any money into it or anything.
And then all of a sudden, you know,
they just keep printing a trillion dollars every year
with no gold behind it.
And then white people get forced out of their neighborhood.
That's what the gentrification is.
It's the white people with the least amount of money
then getting forced to go to leave their neighborhood
that they didn't want to leave.
They always leave that part out.
They act like it's just like rich white people moving in.
Maybe it is.
I don't fucking know.
But it seems to me like you're getting squeezed out.
Everybody's getting moved.
You're getting squeezed out.
So anyway, I'm fucking totally losing my train of thought here.
What the hell was it?
The government, part of the city that people don't care about.
What was I talking about?
And it's gone just like that.
Oh, Jesus.
What happened?
There was a thought there.
And I was walking towards it.
And I got distracted along the fucking way.
Oh, I know.
Whore food.
How whore food is nothing.
But if they have some new, if there's a new fucking area
that real estate agents, you know,
who are all in ridiculous shape now
and have headshots and Botox
and all of this fucking shit,
for some reason,
like they've all gone Hollywood.
All right?
And they have an insatiable appetite
to sell fucking real estate
and buy more shit for themselves