Name: Monday Morning Podcast 5-22-23
Uploaded: 2023-05-23T13:54:10.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 5-22-23' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-05-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 5-22-23' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-05-23. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 5-22-23

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrd. It's time for the Monday Morning Podcast.
For Monday, May 22nd, 2023, what's going on and how are you?
And how are you doing it? How are you feeling?
And what do you think about your candidates' chances for the 2024 election?
Oh, Jesus, can you believe it's fucking already going around again?
Didn't we just fucking do this?
Oh, God, people are fucking going to get all ramped up for that.
Can both sides agree that the last time we did this, it was the two worst
fucking choices ever?
Going head to head.
My God.
Okay, what do you like, reality show or dementia?
Anything's better than reality show.
Anyway, yeah, the amount of stupidity on the internet.
Somebody tried to say there were no wars when Trump was president.
It's like, if a war just keeps going, if it just, at what point does it just
not, it's not even a war anymore?
It's not even a war.
Oh, yeah, the fucking, we're bankrupt because Joe Biden's been president for
four years.
It has nothing to do with the Federal Reserve.
Anyway, I say this all the time, but nobody gives a fuck.
Let's plow ahead here.
How about your Los Angeles Lakers and your Boston Celtics once again on a
collision course to meet in the NBA Finals?
All right.
Yeah, they're both getting their fucking asses kicked by better teams, better
organizations.
That's basically what is happening.
And you know what's funny?
Is it's great to see that the Denver Nuggets are going to make the NBA Finals,
right?
And the Miami Heat are going to go back.
And my buddy goes like, he goes, the finals is going to be the fucking Nuggets
and the Heat.
Who the fuck's going to watch that?
It's like, why wouldn't you watch it?
They're obviously the two best teams.
Because you know what it is?
The NBA sold their soul to the fucking super team.
So now, like, people literally have it in their head that only certain franchises
deserve to go there.
As much as I hate watching the Celtics get stomped, you know, I was fucking
nervous about that Miami Heat team.
But it's, it's, I'll take that to watch the Lakers get stomped with yet again
superstar players from other people's teams.
You know, I just don't fucking, that fucking franchise just represents, you
know, not all the way back.
Not all the way back.
I give it up to him 100% right through fucking Magic Johnson and all.
It's amazing.
And I also give it up to them that they know how to play the free agency game.
But this fucking bullshit of, like, you know, it's, it's business.
Location, location, location.
All these guys want to go out to Hollywood and bang movie stars.
So they're going to go to your fucking team.
And, uh, I don't know.
It's like trying to keep up with the rich kid down the street.
And his dad keeps buying him a new fucking Ferrari.
Um, I don't, I, I don't know.
You know, it's another fucking thing that, this is just be,
I'm going to be a little grumpy old man here.
If I see another fucking nobody, like, who the fuck is this guy?
What have you ever done with your fucking life?
You know, making some fucking video, giving out life advice.
It's like, it's like, who are you?
Okay, now, now film it in black and white and then put like, I'm saying, you
know, important shit music.
I think if you're giving out really good life advice, you don't, you don't have
to hire a musician or you don't have to go buy music.
You know, you don't have to score your opinion with some John Williams music.
Couldn't you just say something that really made sense?
I saw this guy the other day.
All right, I'm going to give you some most important life advice you're ever
going to hear in your life.
Don't do dumb shit.
That's all the guy had.
Don't do dumb shit.
And it's in black and white and all these choppy fucking edits and they're
playing this fucking music underneath it.
You're like, oh, wow, man.
Oh, I was going to go out today and do dumb shit.
Then they, then they, then they hide.
Well, I know it sounds simple, but really sit there and think about it.
Don't do dumb shit.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you.
What else have you figured out?
I'm going to give you guys some great advice.
All right.
Here's the deal.
Don't take your tongue and stick it in a wall socket.
All right.
Think about that.
Put some ominous music underneath that.
I'm going to give you guys some life advice.
All right.
This may sound simple, but this is one of the most important pieces of advice
you're ever going to get.
Don't take your dick out at work.
And then I just need, I just need someone who's listening to me to act like
they're blown away by it.
That's powerful.
Then I saw this other podcast
where these two people are, are talking about Kobe Bryant as if there's a bunch
of people out there
claiming he wasn't a great basketball player.
You know, they paid people millions of dollars to go all around the world to
try and find the top talent in the world to try and stop Kobe Bryant.
Yet the man still scores 81 points in an NBA basketball game.
It's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, we were all aware of that.
You've introduced no new information.
That's what, anyway, that's the part of Instagram I'm on.
You know, I fucking, for some reason, every day, somebody has to tell me, in my
feed is somebody telling me,
LeBron is the greatest basketball player in the world ever, or he isn't, or
Michael Jordan is, or he isn't.
I get those, I get old truck videos, and booty models.
I'm sorry, women working out.
I'm fucking working out.
It is funny how, like, everybody has to dress like a fucking, a Horry Power
Ranger now when they work out, it seems.
I do feel bad for young people now where everything is an outfit.
You can't just get on a bicycle.
You know, back in the day, you just got on your bike and you rode it.
Like, what is your bike riding outfit?
Um, whatever I put on this morning.
Now, if you actually ride a bicycle down the street, wearing just regular
street clothes, people think you're a convicted drunk driver.
That's what I always think.
If I see a guy in jeans and a t-shirt just riding a bicycle down the street,
you know, um, that's what I think.
He's divorced, convicted drunk driver.
Um, I don't know, he's got the shakes, so he won't let him drive a car.
I don't fucking know, right?
But if I see somebody, you know, dressed up like they're in the Tour de France,
I just go, oh, that guy's, that guy's a douche.
Why do they wear those stupid fucking outfits when they're riding their
bicycles?
I just don't understand, like, you're not in a time trial.
Like, why do you waste all that fucking money?
Then my favorite thing ever is you get those stupid shoes and then you lock
your feet into the fucking pedals.
You know what?
So you can get that extra edge when you're driving down fucking Main Street.
Yeah, I don't, you know, the overhead, just the fucking overhead of being a
person now.
You know, smartphones, laptops, and then these fucking outfits for everything
that you do.
You know, when I was growing up, people just dressed like Malcolm Young and
they did whatever they were doing.
I'm not saying it was better.
I'm just saying it was cheaper.
I'm sure we weren't riding bicycles as fast.
I don't ever remember my looser clothing getting caught in, like, the fucking Nautilus
equipment.
Maybe that's what happened.
You know, if you work in a factory, you know, they always made you, if you had
a ponytail, you put your fucking hair up.
You know, loose clothing because you get dragged into the machine.
Whatever.
I'm making fun of it as I look at these fucking women, like, wearing these skin-tight
fucking clothes.
And dress, well, you know, maybe that's what it started.
Maybe I think, actually, when I think about it, it kind of started in my
generation, the spandex shit.
It was the 80s.
I mean, I remember seeing In Living Color opened up for the Rolling Stones and
the Steel Wheels tour.
And their lead singer was dressed like he was going to go spearfishing.
And nobody questioned it.
It was, like, bright yellow.
He had everything but, like, flippers and a snorkel on.
And then I remember I worked in a warehouse and there was this guy, I worked
the second shift.
It was, like, fucking 2 to 11 or 3 to midnight.
I forget what it was.
And that was all drug addicts and divorcees.
I do remember that.
And war veterans.
And then shitheads like me.
Yeah, like, my manager at night was fought in the Vietnam War.
And he was right on the DMZ.
And he had one of those anti-aircraft guns, you know, that almost go like the
Rock'em Sock'em robots.
And he had it pointed horizontally at the tree line.
That was his job.
And to this day, I have never met a person that could drink at the pace that
that guy drank.
And he would drink beer, too.
He wasn't even a hard stuff guy.
He would drink beer.
And you would go out with that guy.
And he would hand you one.
And you'd get about a third of the way down.
And you'd hand you the second one.
Next thing you know, you'd be, like, holding, like, a six-pack of Bud bottles.
And you'd be going, Frank, dude, you gotta, you gotta fucking, you gotta slow
down here.
And he would just laugh.
He'd be smoking these fucking cigarettes nonstop.
There's no fucking way that guy's still alive.
No fucking way.
So rest in peace to him.
But anyways, there was somebody that worked, that worked on that shift.
And he would show up every day with spandex shorts on.
And, like, no other, like, running shorts over him.
Just, like, his junk shapewear.
Junk shapewear is what he'd wear.
Remember, like, that fucking tour Guns N' Roses did?
And Axl Rose wore the fucking white bike shorts the whole time.
Nobody questioned it.
You know, looking like a superhero at the end of the day.
Like, he took off his fucking Spider-Man shirt.
I don't know what I'm talking about.
All I know is I'm excited that the Denver Nuggets are beating the fucking shit
out of the Los Angeles Lakers.
But I'm not excited watching my Celtics, though.
Jesus Christ.
I missed game one.
My buddy said they scored, like, 41 points.
The Heat did 41 points in the third quarter.
And we called no timeouts.
I think that's our strategy.
I think we're saving them up for game four.
And we're going to start using those.
And we're going to turn this whole goddamn series around.
Anyway.
Oh, yeah.
Here's my friends complaining.
The Celtics have two Pippins and no Jordans.
I mean, last I checked, Scotty Pippin had fucking...
What do you have?
Six?
Yeah.
Six rings.
Synergical part.
Nobody has a Jordan on their team right now.
Jordan is Jordan.
Right?
That's it.
It's not going to be another one of those.
It's not going to be another Kobe.
I don't think it's going to be another LeBron.
They're just, you know, just enjoy him.
Stop fucking comparing him.
Dude, fucking Megadans better than Metallica, man.
They're fucking heavier.
I like the subject, man.
Dude, Biggie Smalls is better than Tupac.
Can't you fucking just enjoy him?
You untalented cunts?
The number one people who argue about whether LeBron is better than Michael
Jordan probably can't hit a layup.
I would guess.
You know what I mean?
Although I've trashed.
I've trashed.
I've trashed plenty of fucking athletes, haven't I?
Maybe that's a part of it.
I don't fucking know.
It's funny how I keep making these statements and then it just goes back to
either me or my generation.
Oh yeah, we kind of did shit like that.
Actually, my generation, I think is when dressing like you were in the Tour de
France started.
But like everybody didn't do it.
You know?
We've got these fucking, you know, it wicks away the sweat off of your body.
Bill, what are you bitching about?
Improvements?
I don't know.
Maybe.
I have no idea.
So anyway, I've been away for the last four days with my lovely wife.
We came up here a little bit early.
In wine country, we went to a wedding of very close friends and a beautiful
wedding.
Quick wedding, succinct wedding.
That's like the new thing, man.
When I was a kid, the goddamn fucking wedding, you'd go there.
If it was a Catholic wedding, they'd have a