Name: Monday Morning Podcast 5-29-23 | Bill Burr
Uploaded: 2023-05-29T20:14:10.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 5-29-23 | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-05-29. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 5-29-23 | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-05-29. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 5-29-23 | Bill Burr

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for Monday.
For Monday, baby! Woo!
20, May 20, fucking 9th, 2023. That's what I'm trying to say. I'm a little flabbergasted.
What a weekend. What a fucking weekend of sports that I had.
They were for me, man. I don't know if you guys are paying attention, but the
Boston Celtics were down.
Three games to none. They were halfway through game four.
Charles Barkley and Shaquille O'Neal were giving the Celtics the tongue lashing
they fully deserved at halftime,
going like they're trying to win on talent. They don't have any heart.
You got to have a killer instinct. And Shaq was going,
Right? And Charles Barkley said something else, and I was just sitting there as
a Celtics fan,
wanting to get upset, but I was like, they're right.
They're right. They played the game. They're Hall of Famers.
When they make the list of the greatest of all time, they're on the list.
Am I going to dispute what they're saying?
I even knew it was true.
Even a almost 55-year-old bald ginger knew that we weren't playing it right.
We weren't coaching it right. We weren't doing anything fucking right.
And all of a sudden, they turn on the Jets.
Well, lo and behold, oh, it's funny. What can happen in four days?
You could get hit by a truck, have a funeral, be in the fucking ground.
And four days ago, a week earlier, you're sitting at a goddamn diner,
having a cup of coffee, reading a newspaper,
thinking you got a whole bunch of more fucking weeks than you.
And you don't!
Same thing with watching this series.
I was like, we're fucking done.
I'll be honest with you. I don't mind getting swept.
I'm a big believer in ripping the Band-Aid off.
If I'm going to lose a fucking series, just get it over with.
Sweep our asses.
Send us back to the fucking goddamn golf course
or whatever the fuck basketball players do in the offseason.
And we'll fucking, we'll try to do something.
We'll try and rebuild.
I think what we need to do with the Celtics
to compete with, like, what the Lakers can offer off court
is, you know, instead of getting all these nerds
to fly in and go to MIT and fucking Harvard
and Dartmouth and Brown and all of that shit,
what we need in Massachusetts
are some good-looking hoo-as, all right?
Just fly them in for the day
when you have the free agent walk around Boston, okay?
And then you just have all these fucking chicks
walking down the street making eyes at them,
and then maybe they'll choose us
over the Los Angeles Pylon Lakers,
who, by the way, got swept.
However, if we don't win the game seven,
what's, you know, what's the difference?
We will be in, well, at least, you know,
we had a better series, I guess.
All right, let's get into it.
Close game, the whole way.
The whole way, I thought we were gonna win the game.
They just couldn't, you know, they had a lead early,
and then we just kept being up by six,
eight, 11, 13, 15, nine, you know,
just kept doing that shit,
but they couldn't catch up with this.
And then we almost choke it away in the end,
and I'm like, oh, my God,
are they really gonna do this?
Oh, but, you know, what are the odds
you're gonna win three in a row
against any team, you know?
So I was thinking, well,
at least they put up a good fight, you know?
It's much more respectful than getting swept,
even though I prefer it just to get it fucking over with
because I can't handle aging, you know,
in dog years when I watch these fucking games.
So anyway, we're, somehow, in the end,
we're up by three.
I don't fucking remember.
There's so many goddamn foul shots
and timeouts and fucking commercials.
So Jimmy Butler's bringing it down the court, right?
Gets over half court.
He's at the three-point line, you know,
where it's the top of the key or whatever.
We got two guys up there.
We're playing great defense.
The clock's running down,
and then all of a sudden,
he starts going to the corner,
and he's got Al Horford moving lateral.
So you knew exactly what was gonna happen.
He was gonna draw contact,
which is such fucking bullshit.
I feel he had no intention of that ball going in.
I think his number one thing was,
I want to get fouled
and take two free unguarded foul shots,
and Jimmy Butler,
being Jimmy Butler,
gets fouled behind the three-point arc.
I don't know if they've changed this rule or whatever.
Someone was trying to tell me that they did.
But it's my belief
that two rules that should just,
are just no-brainers,
should be changed.
Is that if you're the offensive player
and you deliberately draw contact,
not only should you not get a foul,
it should be a foul on you.
And that is the basketball version of in the NFL
when a fucking quarterback,
all right,
with his fucking noodle arm,
underthrows a receiver.
The receiver stops
and fights through the defender,
and they call the defender
on pass interference.
I think that should be
offensive pass interference, okay?
If I could, you know,
change a few things in sports,
I would also get rid of that stupid safe space
underneath the fucking basket.
Nobody's allowed to be here
so people can dunk uncontested
and then scream at the crowd
like they did something.
Anyway, so we go to,
we got like two point something seconds left.
They put another 0.9 on the clock,
which I love how people were like,
you know, bitching about that.
Another 0.9 seconds.
Yeah, with your fucking difference.
That wasn't the difference.
That wasn't the difference.
The difference was
Marcus Smart misses the three-pointer.
When he shot the ball,
Derek White is way out
behind the fucking arc
or he's near the three-point line.
And what does he do?
He cuts to the fucking hoop
just in case.
The fucking Heat are standing around
looking at the goddamn ball.
That was the difference,
not the fucking 0.9 seconds.
Granted, it gave him the time to do it,
but still,
if everybody stood around
like the fucking Heat did,
that thing doesn't go in.
Derek White cutting
to the fucking basket.
The level of heads-up play
that was,
that in Celtics lore history,
whatever you say,
reminded me
of when Dennis Johnson,
rest his soul,
Dennis DJ Johnson,
immediately cut to the hoop
when fucking Larry Bird
stole the ball from Isaiah Thomas.
If you watch that thing,
the funniest part of that play
is Jerry Seaston
like has like hot feet.
He's like,
oh, oh, oh.
What do I do?
Dennis Johnson cuts
right to the fucking hoop.
Larry gives it in,
lays it up,
and it's good.
Oh my God,
this place is going crazy.
Johnny Most,
rest in peace, right?
Such a fucking heads-up play.
And I'm so glad
that that game
didn't end
on three uncontested
fucking shots.
It's the thing
I fucking hate the most
about basketball.
It's the same thing
I hate about soccer.
You watch the fucking
World Cup
and it ends
on three uncontested,
like whatever,
like five fucking
penalty shots.
Poor goalie.
He's fucking trying
to block a space
bigger than a goddamn
garage
or a garage
as they call it
over there
in fucking
England or whatever.
So, anyway,
incredible game.
And I think
game seven
is going to be
a fucking war.
I don't think
either team
lays down.
I think Miami
comes in there.
They're like a
wounded corner animal,
whatever you want to say.
These motherfuckers
are not going to sit here
and be the first
fucking team
that ever got swept
in that organization
with Jimmy Butler,
whatever the fuck
that coach's name is.
I can never remember his.
He looks like a Brian to me.
I know it isn't.
Pat Riley,
okay,
who fucking hates
the Celtics
and is a Hall of Famer
and is a whole bunch
of fucking sock
drawer full of rings
as they say.
There's no way
that they're laying down.
So, I am not
in any
way, shape, or form
thinking that
we're just going to
win game seven.
I have no idea
what's going to happen.
All I know is
I'm going to age
a thousand years.
But, uh,
as an old man,
I am on
the Instagram.
I am on
the internet.
I am a part
of these things.
And there's all
these big stupid
debates,
you know,
about,
you know,
who's the best,
who, you know,
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
If I see one more
stupid fucking argument,
you know,
people are sitting there,
they're trying to say
LeBron is better
than Michael Jordan.
And I think
what they're doing,
they're not even this,
first of all,
it's different eras.
And then secondly,
like,
this is how I,
as a dummy myself,
how I sort of judge
if somebody's smart
or not.
All right?
Being intelligent
isn't reading a bunch
of books
and then puking out
what you just read
to the nearest person.
Do you know
a blue whale
weighs over
tons?
That doesn't make you smart
because you know that.
That just means
you have a memory.
All right?
True intelligence to me
is how you process
information
and the level
of empathy
that you have.
The most difficult
of all emotions,
empathy.
Which I've had to do
the last two nights.
I went out with my wife
both nights
and both times
she came at me
at the end of the night
and I argued
with her
and then in the morning
I realized
ah, she was kind of right.
I was kind of being a douche
and then I got to put myself
in her position.
It's not fucking fair.
All right, you're right.
Okay?
She does that for me.
I got to do it for her.
Blah, blah, blah.
Bill, did you just
in a roundabout way
pat yourself on the back
and say that you're smart?
I think I did.
And one of the great things
about doing a podcast
about yourself
is there's,
with yourself,
is there's nobody
in about yourself.
There's no one here
to disagree with me.
So I stand by that.
The level of dumb shit
that fucking people
are talking,
like,
LeBron
is one of the greatest
players of all time.
He's one of the most
dominant players
of all time.
All right?
But when you sit there
and you talk about,
you know,
look at his stats.
It's like,
first of all,
the fucking guy
started playing
when he was 18.
Now,
I know Kareem
played forever,
but he played forever
on the back end.
He spent 18,
19,
from 18 to 22
playing college.
He could have scored
2,500 points
easy a year
in his fucking prime.
Instead,
he was wearing
his body out
winning four straight
NCAA titles,
all those extra games
in March Madness.
So, I mean,
had he just gone
to the NBA,
then I would think
that LeBron
would still need
another 10,000
fucking points.
Okay?
So, I don't know
how you can say
LeBron is better
than Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.
I'm not saying
he's worse,
but how you can
just emphatically go,
he has more points,
therefore he is better,
and not, like,
look at the shit.
Or say LeBron
is better than
Michael Jordan.
The difference
between Michael
and LeBron,
in my humble opinion,
as someone who never
played fucking
organized hoop
in my life,
the difference
between the two
of them is
Michael Jordan
changed the game.
Literally
changed the game.
LeBron hasn't
done that.
He's dominated
the game.
He's dominated
the game the way
Jordan has
in a lot of areas,
but he didn't
change the fucking game.
Because I'll tell you,
growing up,
when Dr. J was around
and he was dunking
on people,
I didn't think
anybody was gonna
jump higher,
I didn't think
anybody was gonna
do what the fuck
he did.
When he jumped up,
went out of bounds,
ducked his head,
lifted his legs,
went under and
reversed laid up
against the Lakers
in 1980,
I was just like,
there's nobody
ever gonna do that
again.
And then along
came Dominique
Wilkins and
Michael Jordan.
And Dominique and
Michael were going
toe to toe
and then Michael
just went to
this whole other
level.
And he completely
changed the game.
Before Michael Jordan
came into the league,
there wasn't
anybody out there
that was gonna
tell you that you
could win a
championship unless
you had a
superstar seven
footer down low
that you were
feeding the ball
at least 50
fucking times a
game.
All right?
Dr. J never
fucking won a
championship until
he got fucking
Moses Malone.
And that was the
formula.
And then along
comes Michael
Jordan and he was
like, fuck your
seven footers,
fuck everybody
else, I'm gonna
play a perimeter
game and I'll
go in and I'll
dunk on two or
three guys at the
same time.
