Name: Monday Morning Podcast 6-19-23 | Bill Burr
Uploaded: 2023-06-19T20:39:36.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 6-19-23 | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-06-19. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 6-19-23 | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-06-19. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 6-19-23 | Bill Burr

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for Monday, June 19, 2023.
What's going on? How are ya? Happy Juneteenth to everybody. I'm going to be
Billy Liberal today.
Happy Juneteenth to everybody, both the descendants of former slaves and the
descendants of former slave masters.
Because if it wasn't for those oppressors, then we wouldn't have this holiday.
I'm fucking with you. Oh, and happy Pride Month to all the gay people.
But more importantly, all the straight people that just cannot stop complimenting
themselves about how many gay friends they have.
I believe you call them my gays.
Oh, there's so many people that fucking annoy me. They really do.
Ugh. You know those people who like, remember on MySpace or Facebook? I'm going
way back in social media, you know?
Do you remember way back during a simpler time on MySpace?
Like every fucking dummy had to say, I have a very eclectic music taste.
My music tastes are very eclectic.
I don't know who wrote that, and then everybody saw it, and then everybody has
to go fucking do it.
And it's like literally, um, it's the inverse of what the fucking word means,
right?
No.
Eclectic means a wide variety.
And I'm saying you're a hack.
That isn't right.
All right, whatever.
It's kind of like, you know how there's like social media jokes,
and everybody does them to the point of like, how the fuck do you still think
that this is a fucking,
like I was joking about that last night on stage where like, you know, um,
every fucking video, it's like, tell me you're a construction worker without
telling me you're a construct,
tell me you're a fucking this without telling me you're, tell me you're, all
right, we get it.
Jesus fucking Christ.
Oh, that's a joke fucking, uh, um, what'd you call it?
A joke structure that works.
I'm gonna use it.
Like mad libs.
I'm just gonna change the, uh, thing.
Oh, Bill, what are you looking down your fucking nose?
Is that what you're doing?
Your cute little butt nose?
I do have a cute little butt nose.
No, I wouldn't say a butt nose, but it is adorable.
Um, anyway, all of that shit.
Yeah, so then like, they call them, uh, they call them my gays.
You know?
I love the gays.
Like, what the fuck does that even mean?
Just generally?
Just straight across the fucking board?
You know?
There's no assholes in the gay community?
All right, whatever.
Anyway, happy Pride Month to gay people.
And fuck all those straight people that, that acquire gay friends like fucking,
uh, I don't
know, like people that collect things.
Sorry.
I don't know what my deal is.
I just fucking woke up.
You know what it is?
My son gets up every morning now at about 4.30, five, and he just comes walking
into the room.
It used to be three.
Now it's like five.
He comes walking in and he goes, and he just, like, a middle of the afternoon
voice.
Just go, Dada, I want breakfast.
Dada.
No, egg sandwich.
No, egg sandwich.
I don't know why he puts no in front of every sentence.
No water, please.
Dada.
He starts, slap me in.
Dada, no water, please.
I'm like, buddy, it's too early.
So then I got to take him back to his room.
He gets into his bed and then I get in the adult bed that's in there so he
doesn't leave
again.
And then what he does is he crawls in the bed and for the next, like, whatever,
90 minutes,
two hours, he doesn't stop moving around.
Kickin', kickin', kickin', singin' songs.
Excavator.
Hey, dirt.
See ya, waiter.
For, like, I don't know.
Someday I'll miss it.
So I'm a little off my game.
I'm also off my game because my wife's birthday, my son's birthday, my birthday,
and Father's
birthday are all jammed in and, um, in this month and everybody just sends over,
like,
cupcakes and cookies.
My, my wife came home.
She had, somebody had given us a friggin' banana cream pie.
And, uh, it's like, don't these people realize I'm a fat fuck?
Like, what are we doing here?
So I kind of had to, like, uh, yeah, somebody sent over vegan cookies.
Is there anything fucking worse than vegan cookies?
Because it's like, you're still going to eat them and they don't even taste
good.
You're just like, oh, you know, you're just trying to work your way through the
cookie to,
like, the chocolate chip.
Like, I don't even understand, what do you mean vegan?
It's not like you fucking got to kill a cow to make a cookie, do you?
You take some of its milk and then you have an egg that's just an unfertilized
fucking egg, right?
Wait a minute.
Is an egg a chicken having its period?
I got to look this up.
That is so fucking bizarre.
And if women laid eggs instead of past them, would they be less grumpy?
Is an egg a chicken's, I'm literally, this is going to be on my search.
Chickens, period.
Oh, there was a question!
That, it came up.
People, people have asked this.
It's not just me.
All right.
Although chickens do not menstruate, and thus their eggs are not chicken
periods,
as is sometimes asserted,
the cycle of creating and passing much larger eggs relative to their body size
and weight
is arguably even more physically tasking,
especially in modern hens who have been bred to produce such unnaturally blah,
blah, blah, blah.
Wait a minute.
What is a period for a hen?
The incubation period for the chickens' eggs is 20 to 21 days
and increases up to 30 days for other poultry.
After sitting for some days, a broody hen can be given some newly hatched
chicks,
and if they are accepted, the original eggs can be removed.
Dude, I am like, my head is so fucking spinning right now.
All right.
So I still, the rooster still has to bang a chicken to make a chicken, right?
They're not like self-sustained units, are they?
And when the chicken, the rooster bangs the chicken,
like how does the semen get through that hard shell of the egg?
How the fuck do you make an egg in your, that doesn't seem like a natural thing.
That's just too many questions.
All right.
Whatever.
All I know about eggs is that I eat them and they're delicious.
I have a little soft-cooked egg machine that I make and I'm drinking right now
lemon water!
Because I got back on the sugar, but now I'm done.
You just drink some lemon water in the morning and then that's it.
And then you just do fucking, I'm talking to myself, not to you guys.
Then you just have a handful of peanuts and a piece of fruit,
and then you fucking, you're right as rain.
Because you know what I've been watching on the Netflix there
is there's a documentary on Arnold Schwarzenegger,
and it's one of the most motivating things I've ever watched in my life.
I mean, that guy truly is one of the most amazing,
like as far as public figures goes.
You know, making something of yourself.
I used to, a long time ago, I did a bit about that.
You know, when people were, you know,
when he was going through his personal life bullshit, right?
Which is none of my business.
Everybody was making fun of him.
It's like, oh yeah, do you think you could move to Austria,
learn the language, win their highest bodybuilding competition,
like six, seven years in a fucking row,
and then use that to somehow start an acting career
before anybody had ever done that?
And then become a fucking movie star?
And then transcend your typecasted fucking,
you know, roles as an action hero
to then do a comedy?
And start doing comedies,
and then you could basically do anything,
be kindergarten cop,
and after a while people forget your Transylvanian accent.
And then when you're done with that,
you marry into America's royalty,
the Kennedy family,
and you start a political career,
and you become governor of California.
Right?
You think you could fucking,
how many lifetimes would you,
I would need at least,
I don't know,
30?
And some of those dreams
would never come true.
Even if I juiced,
I don't have the fucking height.
But like,
when he just sat there
talking about working out,
he goes,
you get a picture in your mind,
and then you willed the body
to become that picture.
Something like that.
I've always had a clear vision.
If I can see it,
then I can be it.
I can achieve it.
And it was just like,
he's sitting in his fucking hot tub,
smoking a cigar.
I love this house.
It's the combination of who I am.
The house has the warmth of Austria.
And then,
what did he say?
He said,
the flavor of America.
Big.
And I like that he loves animals.
And he has like a donkey
or something that he loves.
And everybody like,
looks past the donkey,
and I guarantee you
that he sees something in that donkey.
Some sort of drive,
some sort of will
that he can relate to.
And he vibes with that donkey
the way that thing's never vibed
with another fucking human.
Most human beings look at him
as something to carry their carts,
drag their carts around, right?
Some people in some parts of the world,
they use it to keep the fucking,
I guess,
the other livestock calm.
It's sort of the Bob Probert.
I saw one fucking up a hyena,
which I didn't think was possible.
I don't know how it grabbed it
by the back of its neck,
and it just kept slamming it down on the ground,
and it wouldn't fucking let go.
And the,
a fucking hyena!
I think because hyenas,
they don't like,
they're not like cats.
They don't like,
what the fuck?
I'm so confused with the animals today.
What the fuck is a hyena?
It's one of those weird animals
where it's,
it's not a,
everything I feel like is either a cat
or a,
you know,
like a,
like a,
like part of the lion and tiger family
or like a wolf
when it comes to those
sort of four-legged things.
Then you just got these hybrid things
like a hyena.
Well,
I guess you got bears too.
I fucking hate bears.
Fucking can't stand like,
just the,
the,
the extra fucking
disgusting way
they have to kill things.
You know?
I do love watching them run though.
It always looks like a fat guy
coming down a hill.
This like,
you know,
you ever see a fat guy
start running down a hill
and then the arms get going?
Like the,
the bear has that too.
There's something about them
that they look
like slightly out of control.
It's like watching
F1 highlights
in the 1950s
when they had
the open cockpit
and they were driving
those little two-seaters
like right at the fucking limit
with those baloney skin
fucking tires.
That's what it's like
watching a goddamn bear
run down the hill.
So anyways,
I have a giant
vat of lemon water
that's supposed to be good
to drink in the morning,
but then if you drink
too much of it,
it fucking eats away
your enamel
so you can't do it every day.
The enamel on your teeth, man.
It's just,
I mean,
it's just like
we're designed
to get to our peak
and then
immediately start dying.
That's what I,
I feel like it is.
So,
I am well past my prime
physically.
But as a person,
I like to think
I just keep getting better.
I just feel like
there's a better version
of me.
And when it's me
and I'm hanging out
with my gay friends
and their job
is to sit around me
and tell me
how fabulous I look
so I'll continue
to buy them
tight shirts.
All right.
I don't know
what I'm talking about here.
You got to watch
the Arnold Schwarzenegger
documentary.
Arnold.
All right.
It was,
it's like,
he's like a giant Tom Cruise
because Tom Cruise
is another guy
that I watch
and I just sit there,
you know,
watching like
what that guy does.
Like,
have you seen the billboards
for the new Mission Impossible?
I mean,
this is a guy
that's in his 60s
and he's riding
a fucking dirt bike
off a cliff
and then pulling,
pulling a reserve chute
or pulling a chute
is parachute.
I mean,
like that level,
like I just look at that
and I'm like,
what,
what,
where in my life
am I that dedicated?
Because I look at that billboard
and I file that all under,
I'm not doing that shit.
I'm not fucking doing that shit.
That's what you got
a stunt man for.
I mean,
I'll ride the dirt bike
around the parking lot,
you know,
maybe get it second.
Ooh,
ooh,
Billy Dangerous
maybe in third gear
but then that's it.
Then somebody's gonna come
running over
and be like,
Bill,
you're too bald
and fragile.
Get off that thing
and I'll be like,
you know wha