Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 6-29-23 | Bill Burr
Uploaded: 2023-06-30T19:06:46.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 6-29-23 | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-06-30. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 6-29-23 | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-06-30. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 6-29-23 | Bill Burr

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon,
just before Monday.
What the fuck do I usually say? I fucked up the cadence there.
What's going on? It's Bill Burr. It's time for the Thursday afternoon, just
before Friday.
That's it. Thursday afternoon, just before Friday.
Monday morning podcast, and I am in a fucking hotel room.
Echo, echo, with the loudest fucking air conditioner I've ever heard in my life,
and I'm not shutting it off.
What do they got set to? 72. That's nice. I can live with that.
I love when you go into these fucking hotel rooms, and they got it, like, set
at 68, just cranking.
There's nobody in there. You think these corporate cunts, right?
How they try to squeeze every fucking dollar out of you, and nobody ever
figures out that it's the corporate cunts.
They never do. They blame everything but the corporate cunts, you know?
I saw this clip the other day. Like, all they do is, if they got a name, that's
what the fuck they hanging on.
I saw this thing where this actor was talking about, like, the difference
between making movies now
and making movies, like, 20 years ago, where you had, like, the DVDs and all of
that shit,
and so, if you're looking to make a movie for this amount of money, you know,
it's not like the old days where you could also depend on the DVD sales and
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and all that,
and everybody's like, easy solution. Pay the actors less.
I love how dumb people, they just, life is so easy for dumb people.
They just, they fucking, everything, why don't you just fucking do this?
Bing, bing, boom.
And they throw their hands up, like, how fucking hard was that?
Like, I figured it all out.
I figured it all out.
I'll tell you what I figured out is that fucking air conditioner is going to be
too goddamn loud
for this, uh, for the podcast. Off.
Oh, I, you know something?
I like a fucking air conditioner that shuts right off.
Usually, they go, you know, you shut them off, and they're like,
it's like sending your kid to bed.
Go to bed, you know, it's like a 20-minute process.
Um, yeah, it's 72 degrees.
I like that.
Usually, you walk in, they have it at 68, 66,
south of the Mason-Dixon line,
where a government ain't killing me how fucking chilly I can be, right?
Why would you bring up the Civil War, Bill?
Why would you do that?
All right.
I would say, though, like, you know what shape people are in
by what they have the air conditioner set at at the hotel.
You know, 72 degrees.
I'm in Lincoln, California.
Um, Lincoln, Lincoln, California.
Home of this fucking casino I'm performing at.
It's just north of Sacramento.
A.K.A. Sacktown.
A.K.A. Hella something or other.
Whatever the fuck they say up here.
It's at 72 degrees.
So, I'm expecting people to be in decent shape.
Right?
If you go into a hotel room and the air conditioner is set at 68, 66.
I mean, 66, that's for special places.
Like Houston.
You know?
Where people are so fat and it gets so fucking hot that, like, you know, people
just die.
Like, right now, there's just people dying in the streets.
Houston, Texas is 105 fucking degrees out.
I got a buddy, Verzi's down there working, right?
Who, by the way, is just getting standing ovations all around the fucking
country, everywhere he performs at.
That fucking guy is on a whole other level.
And I knew he was going to go to a whole other level, like, a couple years
before the big pandemic there.
I saw him at Gotham when he had to stretch.
And, you know, he'd been opening for me, but I only get to see him do 10, 15.
I saw him do a half hour and I was just like, all right, this is over.
This guy is going to fucking, you know, it's going to be rocket fuel right
there.
So, anyway.
Yeah, it's 105 degrees in fucking Texas.
Down there in Houston, man.
Jesus Christ.
You know, California gets like that, where I live in Los Angeles for, like,
fucking, every year it's, like, a little bit longer.
Used to be, like, two, three days.
Now it's, like, 10 days.
10 days.
And it's fucking nuts.
Like, nobody's dealing, you know, everybody's like, yeah, this fucking global
warming shit's getting a little scary, right?
No solutions.
We will figure it out.
That's what you say when you have kids.
They're going to figure it out.
You know, they're going to figure something out.
I don't know if they're going to figure it out.
I don't know.
I have no idea.
But all I know now is the move.
That people do.
Now there's, like, so everybody, like, fries for, like, two weeks out in L.A.
And you're, like, oh, my God.
You know.
Like, is this the end of the world?
You know, it's, like, that level hot.
Just non-fucking.
Like, you wake up at, like, fucking 7 in the morning if you've got kids.
Or if you have a real job, right?
You get up that early and it's already, like, too hot to go outside.
You're, like, you've got to be fucking kidding me.
So now the new move for the limousine liberals out there is they just leave.
You know?
Like, how when I lived in Manhattan, the super rich, it was amazing.
Like, the summertime, it would get so fucking hot.
Oh, down on the subway platforms.
Like, I still remember there was this time I was doing this gig either up in
the Bronx or out in Brooklyn or whatever.
And I had to go.
I had to take the B or the D and it was underneath the A and C line.
So I had to go two levels down in the subway in, like, on, like, July 31st.
And it was one of the safest places in New York because it was too hot to do
anything other than just fucking stand there.
Like, if you were, like, a crazy homeless person, if you started having, like,
a manic episode, like, you literally would have just fucking died swinging your
arms around.
Everyone, like, you ever go, like, you ever have an apartment that's actually
an attic, the top of a house and there's no air conditioning?
I lived in one of those one time.
And I remember in the morning, the fucking house flies would be the size of
your eyeballs and they would be all over and you couldn't fucking kill them.
You'd have, like, a dish rag, you know, because, you know, you didn't have a
fly swatter because that was extra fucking money and you live in the top of a
fucking house.
You know, one of those murder-she-wrote houses that just the heat just sits up
there.
My friends used to call the apartment the triangle and there was two levels to
it.
When you first walked in, you had to walk right down the center or else your
head would hit either side on the ceiling and then it opened up to a bigger,
you know, I don't know.
I don't know what the fuck it was.
Like, whatever, like, eight-foot triangle as opposed to the other one was, like,
a five-foot or a six-foot fucking triangle.
Anyway, in the morning, the flies would be fucking, you couldn't get them.
And then me and my brother would go to work and we would just shut the door and
all the fucking windows and these things would just bake in there all day long.
And by the time you got home, eight hours later, nine hours later with the
lunch hour, the fucking flies, you could literally pick them out of the air.
Just walk up to them and just flick them across the fucking room.
I have to tell you this story.
So, we didn't have any air conditioning.
So, my move was in the six-foot part of the triangle because it was an attic.
You know, in attics in those old houses, like, the window was at floor level.
So, I used to sleep in a sleeping bag.
I had no furniture.
Oh, my God.
I owned nothing.
I had an old pickup truck.
A Ford fucking Ranger.
My life was so simple and I just had my jeans in a pile, my shirts in a pile,
and my socks and underwears.
Not even any containers.
Just sitting there.
And then I had this orange sleeping bag.
And I used to sleep in that thing right next to the fucking window.
And it was so frustrating.
I didn't understand cross ventilation.
I didn't understand air pressure.
What we should have done was on both ends open the, maybe you couldn't on the
front, to get the fucking cooler air from the outside to push that hot air out,
right?
Or a window fan, something to get it circulating.
We would just fucking be sitting in there.
And I remember I would go to sleep and I would just, I laid on top of the
fucking sleeping bag because it was so fucking hot.
And I would just be, like, pressed up against the fucking screen.
And every once in a while there'd be a breeze and I'd be like, oh.
And then I'd fucking pass out and somewhere around three in the morning you'd
wake up, like, shivering because the fucking cold air finally came in.
And then I would just get in the sleeping bag.
And then that was it.
And so one night I'm sleeping on top of the fucking sleeping bag.
And I finally go to sleep and I'm just in there in my fucking tighty-whities
because it was the 80s.
This is before boxers came in.
So I'm laying there.
My whole body, the color of my tighty-whities.
The only pigment is the one red line that went around the band of my tighty-whities.
So I fall asleep.
And when I was asleep, I always said, I don't know, I was having this fucked-up
dream about swimming or something.
I woke up and there was, like, this fucking monsoon going on.
And you know when it's raining so hard with the wind, it's blowing sideways?
I was absolutely fucking drenched.
And I was shivering.
I had to fucking get up.
I went in the bathroom.
And I just had this old, awful fucking scratchy towel.
Dried myself off.
And the next morning, yeah, because I couldn't sleep in the sleeping bag
because it was soaking wet.
I kind of slept over by my fucking clothes.
Just grabbed, like, a pile of shirts for a fucking pillow.
Because my pillow was all soaked.
And the next morning, I woke up.
And it was already 90 degrees out.
And I had a fucking cold.
It was the fucking worst.
And I came to work like, oh, it's good.
Sleeping by the fucking window, right?
And I've had to unload trucks.
Ah!
You know what's funny about a summer cold, though?
I got over it really quickly.
It wasn't like the winter ones that just hang around for, like, the whole week.
It was kind of over.
It was like a 48-hour cold or whatever.
But anyway, why am I talking about this shit?
Oh, because I was near somebody that fucking got COVID.
So, I feel fine.
I'm testing negative.
But I got on the plane.
I wore a mask and everything.
I miss wearing the mask.
I like the mask.
Mask with the fucking hat on.
Nobody talking to you.
Very antisocial.
You know?
Slash, you feel a little mysterious.
Like, ooh, who is that?
Does he know something that I don't?
Anyway, so that's my life.
So now I'm in this fucking hotel room over the next couple of days.
And I'm going to do some shows up here in Sacramento.
I'm very excited about this.
I got the new hour.
It's cranking.
And I also went out.
I got some new cymbals for my drum kit.
You know?
I've always played, like, Zildjian A's or, like, whatever Sabian's version of
that is.
I always played brighter cymbals.
And I've just been hearing more dark sounds in my head.
Not, like, depressive.
Just the stuff I've been listening to.
I don't know what.
So I'm going to...
Anyways, I bought...
It was funny.
I thought I bought a ride.
And I bought a...
I didn't buy it.
The guy fucking hooked me up.
What am I talking about?
I got hooked up through Dave Elitch.
And I ended up getting two rides.
I didn't get a crash.
But they're both so, like...
You know, you can crash on them.
So they're not bad.
But I might go back and get another one.
But anyway, new hi-hats, the whole thing.
But I got the clear heads.
So my toms are really deep.
And they're kind of not matching with the cymbals I got.
So when I get back, I'm going to go over to Pro Drum on Vine.
The best drum shop out there, if not in the country.
And I'm going to get some coated heads.
Put them on there.
Crank them up.
And, uh...
I don't know.
Just fucking...
I like doing that bebop-style drumming.
I don't know what the fuck it is.
I've always approached it and getting close.
Get a little more independence.
And then I just get d