Name: Monday Morning Podcast 7-10-23 | Bill Burr
Uploaded: 2023-07-10T19:36:56.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 7-10-23 | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-07-10. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 7-10-23 | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-07-10. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 7-10-23 | Bill Burr

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for Monday, July 10th, 2023.
What's going on? How are ya? How's it going? How's it going in your part of the
woods?
I'm supposed to tease something without saying what it is because the show is
going to be announced on Tuesday.
But I'm not supposed to tell you what it is, but I'm supposed to tease you.
I'm supposed to tickle you under your fucking chin with a little bit of
information.
All right. I am going to be doing a show in the tri-state area at a very well-known
establishment.
I've done the establishment before. All right. I'm going to be doing it in
November,
but I am not allowed to say the name of the venue. I don't understand this.
This is like a certain streaming service that you're not allowed to say, you
know, when you have a project coming out.
It's like you cannot say when it is coming out until halfway through next
Thursday.
It's only Monday. Oh, my God. What if you fucking say what if you put that
information out three and a half days earlier?
Are people not going to go see it? Are they not going to go to the show? I don't
understand it.
But, you know, if I've learned anything in life, it's to keep my mouth shut and
not think for myself.
And let the sociopaths that effortlessly ascend the ladder of power because
they have no fucking empathy whatsoever.
Just listen to them. They know what to do.
Anyway, fucking flew back from Atlantic City via Philadelphia yesterday.
By the way, Philadelphia, exciting city to see.
You come around the corner on the highway and there it is.
That's a fuck, you know, there's a lot of, you know.
You know what I'm saying? I'm sick of every time there's a sporting event.
They have to go up to the biggest fucking mouth breather in Philadelphia.
Just to, oh, I'm fucking standing there with my bra and I hit on 10 chicks and
I have a little dick.
I don't give a fuck. You seen that one?
It's just like, is it always that guy?
The guy with no self-esteem, complete fucking moron.
Those guys from Always Sunny are from Philadelphia, right?
I worked at Denver. Those three of the smartest guys I ever met.
They're from Philadelphia.
I talked to one of them. He watched the Marx Brothers growing up.
That's what the smart kids did.
The dummies like me watched the Three Stooges.
I refuse to believe that everybody in Philly is that fucking stupid.
I go there. They're not that stupid.
You go to a sporting event.
I just feel like it's, it's just like, uh, they feel like they have to do it.
Like, you know, when a celebrity like sort of builds, you know,
like a Belushi or something, they build their life around Chris Farley, like
being that guy.
Then all of a sudden they get trapped.
They feel like they have to be that guy.
I feel like Philly sports fans are like that.
It's like, oh, the camera's on.
I have to rep Philly.
Let me go.
Let me fucking deep throat a cheesesteak and then go puke on a cop, you know,
or whatever the fuck it is they're doing.
I just, I don't know.
I still like the city, you know, anyway.
So we, yeah, we were driving down from Allentown.
But yesterday, uh, I got to give a shout out to American Airlines.
We were, uh, leaving, departing, and I was really nervous that we were going to
get stuck there because of the global warming that for whatever reason they're
not talking about.
Last week, I got stuck for eight hours because of these insane fucking storms
with lightning and all of this shit.
And, uh, you know, I'm getting calls from comedians around the country.
I can't get out of Oklahoma.
I can't get out of Vegas, you know.
And I've been doing the road long enough.
This shit didn't happen.
It didn't, it didn't, like, on this level, like, I got three calls from
different comics in different parts of the country saying the weather was too
fucked for them to get out of there.
So I just have to hold on to the fact that they're going to figure this out and
somehow they're going to fix it.
But anyway, so last week, I ended up with Dean Del Rey.
We did, what did we do?
We did Hershey.
We did Newark.
Um, and we did Bridgeport, Connecticut.
We had a great time.
We go to Newark Airport.
We say goodbye to Club Soda Kenny.
And thus began, you know, eight and a half hours of delays while they had to
wait for the lightning and all this stuff to go away, right?
So the whole time, you know, um, Saturday night or whatever, I was thinking
like, man, I just wish they had red eyes going the other way.
You know, they only have red eyes going from west to east.
I wish they had one.
I would step off stage here in Atlantic City.
I'd go fucking jump in a car, go right to the Philly Airport, you know, and
then go to sleep.
But nope, I didn't.
I had like a 1049 a.m. flight.
We get there.
It's looking overcast.
It's cool.
Doesn't seem like the temperature's high.
I'm like, all right, here we go.
We're going to get out of here.
We get on the fucking plane.
We push away from the gate at 1049.
This is all fucking good.
We're out on the taxiway and ba-bum, ba-bum, ba-bum, bam, the dude pulls over.
Let me tell you something.
When they pull over, they never get back on the taxiway to go to the runway.
They always pull over and they say, we're just going to shut it down here for a
second.
We got a little bit of weather out there.
First of all, once that happens, then you have to wait to get clearance.
As far as my limited understanding, you have to wait to get clearance again.
And that involves resubmitting your IFR flight plan.
And you have to get let back into the system.
And the system is tracking all flights along your path to make sure that at no
point are you going to fucking smash into somebody else or whatever.
So long story short, the guy goes, all right, yeah, yeah, you know, actually,
it's looking up.
They got to try to ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba.
Oh, actually, it isn't.
And then, oh, it's looking up.
And then all of a sudden, he's just like, ah, I got some bad news here.
Me and my co-pilot just timed out as we flew up here from Miami this morning.
We got to take you back to the gate.
Nah, we got to get you another flight crew.
Unfortunately, I don't have any more information,
which is the number one thing.
The number one thing said in aviation other than, sir, can you please take your
seat,
is I don't, we don't have any more, I don't have any more information.
Ma'am, is there any way you can turn down the intercom?
No, there's nothing I can do.
There's nothing, I don't have any more information.
You mean to tell me somebody installed this intercom on 10 and that's the only
option to have?
Sir, there's nothing I can do.
I don't have any, they always do that shit.
So we go back to the gate and we're getting off the fucking thing, right?
And at this point, I just call Kenny.
I don't give a fuck.
I go, dude, I'm going to blow all my gig money.
Just give me a fucking, I'm not doing this again.
All right?
I want to go home.
I want to see my fucking kids.
Just give me a fucking job.
It's going to be all your gig money.
I don't give a fuck, right?
So we're just sitting there.
I'm fucking eating a burrito and I'm just standing there.
You know, and it was funny.
I didn't even talk to the gate agent.
Everybody else did.
She's like, I'm sorry, I don't have any information.
There's no information.
If there's information, I don't have it, right?
And she's just standing there.
So me and fucking Dean get the burrito.
And then Dean, eyes light up.
He goes, dude, there's a pilot.
There's another one.
They get, I don't know where the fuck these guys were.
We got off the plane and 20 minutes later,
American Airlines had another flight crew to take us across.
I've never had that happen.
When the flight crew times out, forget it.
You might as well start looking for real estate.
You might as well start looking for real estate in that area
because you are not going to be fucking leaving
until the next fucking day.
I'm sorry, there's nothing we can do.
You have a voucher for this hotel.
The hotel's sold out.
I'm sorry.
You're going to have to figure it out.
I got to figure it out.
But American Airlines had a flight crew.
We got back on.
You know, it wasn't too bad.
It was only like a two, three hour delay.
But I was just going like,
I am literally going to get home at like fucking one in the morning.
My kids are going to be asleep.
And I already FaceTied them.
I said I was going to come home,
ride bikes, play with them and all of that stuff.
So I had a little moment.
I didn't believe in American Airlines.
And God damn it, they came through.
We're American Airlines.
So anyway, I had a great, great trip back east in Allentown.
Living here in Allentown.
You know, I went there and I was expecting to see a Rust Belt city or the
remnants of it.
I was expecting to see the big factory or whatever.
And it wasn't there.
And I was kind of talking to people.
You know, when you go into town, there is sort of this giant, looks like a
church of Satan.
You know, where you could see at one point it was beautiful.
But now that it's kind of run down, it's taken on this ominous vibe.
It was still really cool.
And then right after you went past that big building,
there was all of these houses like next to each other.
Like when they used to run the end credits at the end of All in the Family.
And I was thinking like, these were probably the workers' houses.
You know, they got them all right next to each other.
God forbid they get a little bit of fucking,
they get a yard to stretch their legs out on, right?
And I built this whole thing up and people were like,
yeah, no, that's not what it was.
I didn't even know what they were doing.
You know, I was doing the show, so I couldn't quite hear what they were saying.
But I ended up looking up that song, Billy Joel.
Living here in Allentown.
It was actually about Bethlehem.
Pennsylvania.
And just Allentown sounded better.
So that's what he did.
And that's back before social media.
So no one could go, you know, on the internet and trash Billy Joel and be like,
oh, hey, fuck stick.
There's actually no fucking Rust Belt shit here.
I think you're either talking about Bethlehem, fucking something else or
something else.
By the way, I am, my latest addiction, my fucking cell phone.
I am really trying to just, I've gotten back into reading books.
I was in a car the other day or something and this city bus went by.
You know, they got the big fucking windows and every single person they went by
was just staring at their phone.
Now, I think that's great for public transportation.
Okay.
The more people are staring at their phones and not looking at each other, I
feel like the less fights there are.
You know, like back in the day, it'd be like, you could only look at like the
advertisement and subway signage for so long before your eyes came down and
they met somebody else's eyes who was then just like, what the fuck are you
looking at?
And then there was the thing.
Now everybody's just staring at their phones.
I swear to God, you could stab somebody in the neck like four times before
anybody would even notice.
Unless the person started kicking their legs like that police officer in the
beginning of No Country for Old Men and was leaving the black marks on the
floor.
So anyway, and I also noticed like I go on social media and the level of
fucking like this, this sort of this, this new toxic self-help out there, you
know, where first of all, everybody's like given like this life advice.
And it's just like, what is your life?
I got to see what your life is that you've applied this and that it works.
Are you even a therapist?
Like, who the fuck are you?
Right.
And now it's become like this sort of aggressive self-help where they, they put
this panic in you like a used car salesman.
Hey, I got another guy coming down to look at it in 20 minutes.
Right.
Um, like the, you know, in the last, in the last 30 seconds, you just aged 40
seconds.
Thinking of, think about that, you know, but if you eat