Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-20-23 w. Jim Gaffigan | Bill Burr
Uploaded: 2023-07-20T19:00:11.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-20-23 w. Jim Gaffigan | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-07-20. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-20-23 w. Jim Gaffigan | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-07-20. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-20-23 w. Jim Gaffigan | Bill Burr

that's an old picture if you don't realize hey what's going on everybody it's
bill burns time
for the thursday afternoon just before friday monday morning podcast i thought
i'd wear a nice
blue shirt to bring up my eyes but with my pasty complexion and the lighting in
here i'm just
looking a little overcast and um even i'm just checking in on you i have a
special guest and
speaking oh they brought it down a little bit a little warmer light for me
speaking
of uh lack of pigment uh my guest today is uh one of my favorite comedians one
of the funniest guys
out there for the longest time uh sells a zillion tickets from indiana that's
right ladies and
gentlemen with a new special called dark pale available now on amazon amazon
amazon the one and
only jim gaffigan thank you buddy i feel like we should shake hands how are you
sir i'm good i'm
good i like that i wish i had glasses no i mean i wish i didn't have glasses i
need glasses i need
you don't have glasses i have the far ones yeah for when i watch hockey and i
sit on my couch and i
want to be able to see fully what's i can still see the puck by the way all
these fucking assholes even
with my eyes messed up i still know where it is yeah how about guessing maybe
the guy everybody's
paying attention to maybe he has it is usually a good place to look i don't
like how there's always
smudge you know like i don't know what if it's like eyebrow dandruff but after
a couple hours it's
just covered in goo my glasses oh well i would say that's how you live in your
life right what it is
no you know what it is is you never left the clubs even though you play in all
the big places you still
go to the gym and you still work out i always see you work whenever i come you
know out here in new
york you're always working out you're in those dirty filthy clubs i love it and
it just gets on you
right it's like but what if you didn't do stand-up right if you didn't have
that outlet i i don't know
what i i don't think it would be good like i think mentally i need it to get
that endorphin
not just necessarily the laughter but like the fulfillment of a new line a new
joke
that's that keeps the endorphins going right but i think there's something
about you guys who grew
up out in the midwest there's something about you know just in the winter time
i always bring
this up when the crops are cut down yeah and that overcast gray sky meets that
dead earth
yeah it just does something to you guys you guys all kind of have that serial
killer vibe like you
could go definitely you could go yeah you know come on pot kettle kettle what
you're saying you don't
come across like a serial killer no i come like i come off like a hothead who's
going to get killed
in a bar fight i'm going to hit my head off a curb i don't i don't have that
rusty farming tools in the
background vibe that you midwest people have like i would have sling blade like
that shit i would
have i would murder people in an interesting way it wouldn't be it would be
kind of it would you
like if you discovered oh jim gaffigan's been killing people it would there
would be an interesting
thing like oh my god he chokes them and then he jerks off on them or something
like well that's
the serial killers are the artists they are of murders they're the they're they're
kind of the
stand-up comedians of criminals right the serial killers they are the stand-up
comedians they're
they're kind of they're unrecognized they kind of they work their way up they
work alone
right they serial killers rather i mean outside of the nazis they they don't
really work in groups
they're usually solo they they often you know like if they're you know ted bundy
he traveled
he would go on tour the best ones you don't really know their names right the
hacks usually you know
like they're always trying to like tease the police so they get their name out
they're like you know
it was a hack was that btk killer right because he named himself and then he
was trying to get all
this attention well he also retired and then he came back and then he got
busted that was his ego
that was him kind of like he you know like stand up you have to consistently do
it like when people take
like 20 years off and then they come back and do us but it's always it's like
when jordan went to
the wizards right so he came back and he was bt-ing but he wasn't k-ing right
well he you know it is
you know the serial killer thing is why do we people love by the way women seem
to love murderers
like my wife i find them fascinating right like they're all against like rude
behavior but like
my wife can't get enough of that dateline show right yeah my wife watches that
the amount of times
i've gone to sleep where i just hear that it was a quiet town right things like
this weren't supposed
to happen right they were in love until or so it appeared or so it appeared
yeah no that why is
what's you know my wife claims that she watches it because she thinks what
would i do in that
situation and like you know what i mean i i mean i guess i i for a while was
watching those behind
the scenes prison things trying to come up with a plan of what i would do
before i finally came to the
obvious answer which was i would get raped repeatedly
that i think we uh i i don't think i mean at the end of the day i mean you can't
go from
fucking no is that what you think would happen or is that what you would want
to happen i mean
it's a combination of both no it's just but what if it's i call it being a realist
like every guy
thinks that like i have like i i spent one night in jail never in prison i got
arrested for drinking
and driving and i had to sell to myself i didn't have to fight anybody off so
like you can't go
that's what always fascinates me with these fucking idiots who kill their
spouse it's like you barely
even cheated on your taxes and now you're going to try to get away with the
most difficult thing to
get away with where you're you're you're going to be one of the first suspects
right who look to
profit right right do you have life insurance by the way because the second you
get life insurance
you've you've you oh yeah you've put up a fucking a green light on your
forehead but what if you got
to prison i mean i feel like i if i went to prison like i'm not gonna go but if
i got to prison i feel
like i wouldn't get raped they'd be like uh you know what we don't nothing
personal you would
because you look like a child molester no they wouldn't they wouldn't they
wouldn't rape me and
then i'd be all insecure and then i'd be like oh nobody wants to rape me that
it would be like
but like there would be like there there's probably some people that are like
oh well at least i'll
get raped in prison and then they don't get raped because you know how like in
high school i would
just get a yearbook i would make a shank and then i would just stab myself you
but like in high
school when you look back at your yearbook and you'll look at girls and you'll
be like they were kind of
cute but like that probably happens in prison like there are probably people in
prison where you think
oh that guy would get raped but he doesn't get raped because like in the social
thing people are like oh
they're annoying or is this making any sense i mean i don't i mean i don't i
watched enough of those
that i i realized that i still don't yeah i don't know i just remember seeing
that i just saw a couple
of guys where they they are just so far removed like their mindset it's just
like the game that they're
playing like this guy well this guy was just talking about something that he
did to his cellmate and
he he was he was talking like it wasn't even him who did it going yeah we don't
know it's like i was
just like this guy is fucking yeah crazy you know i remember when i would guys
you get a divorce
yeah and you lose all your money but like the uh like i remember watching oz
because i couldn't watch
oz oz had a lot of storylines where i'm like what are we supposed to root for
that guy
you know like they were all kind of i i couldn't watch that show it was very
weird because it was in
the same kind of era as uh as sex in the city so i'm like is this with sex in
the cities for the
women is oz for the guys it's so weird no i i i never understood that show it's
just like i don't
want to i don't want to see that i don't want to watch people doing that to
each other and it's just
like yeah that's just too weird yeah right that's just like i don't know that
was ahead of its time
that was very ahead of it there had to be something else i feel like our sex in
the city is uh is when
they do you know uh like behind the lines or whatever or some sports team or
something like
that they go into the locker room that's like yeah our real housewives yeah you
see the coaches
giving speeches and shit like i feel like that's we gotta let you go and then
yes sir thank you sir
like that's the drama that was tough i love that kid you know he gave 100%
heart anyway keep your
head up let's go to the buffet yeah it's it's just so weird no or i would say
like uh fast and loud
like car shows where they're making cars i find those like i like you know
watching people that
know how to like build shit yeah um i'm into that type of shit i guess that
that would be like our sex
in the city there has to be something else i'm just so relieved that i i love
gardening i don't want to
turn and sound all manly that's another red flag of what of a serial killer
yeah no gardening i thought
that it was i think that would indicate that i'm 90 but like or it would also
indicate that you know
if you're digging a hole in your backyard no one's going oh he's just gardening
it's this area is very
fertile is your wife still on that trip oh she's been gone for a while now but
um no taking care of
her mother i i love gardening i think you should try gardening but like that is
i don't know how i got
on this topic but i love like we went to prison rape prison rape to uh locker
rooms to gardening to
gardening it's pretty logical but it is you should check it out it's very
isolating you do it by
for yourself there's surprises at the end kind of like look a rattlesnake no it's
like you grow
you plant a one potato and then like three months later you come back and there's
like
20 potatoes or there's none that has to be exciting though it is when there's
20 potatoes that has to be
fucking amazing it is exciting you want everyone in your family to say this is
the best god no no my i
i torture my kids i'm like i at dinner i'll be like you know i probably get the
best garden
anywhere and they're like yeah right yeah dad you know the salad i grew this
lettuce and there i'm
you know it's but like if i'm gonna be oh here's what i said it is that i'm
glad i'm into gardening
because when i doom scroll on my instagram i'm just looking at gardening videos
and it's like oh here's a
uh a hack on how to grow celery it's like i'm not look i'm not like you i'm not
looking at porn
i'm a good man i don't know guilty as charged right now i i what i look at now
is the amount of time
that i spent on the phone i i don't i try to stay the fuck away from that thing
i delete apps do you
delete apps no because i always think there has to be a reason i downloaded
that thing i just don't
remember what it is so i just leave it alone i've actually started reading
again oh yeah yeah which
is hilarious that is fun it's not like deep reading what are you reading right
now i'm i'm finishing
this book uh called billionaire boogeyman that a friend of mine a comedian todd
parker wrote and i'm
actually reading it going like this could actually be a really good movie
really yeah what's the promise
of it uh just like illuminati level rich people that know all the secrets of
the world and they're
kidnapping prostitutes and they may or may not own a bigfoot that eats the
prostitutes while the rich
people watch that is i didn't write it it's a good summertime you know what i
you know what i love about
it is 