Name: Monday Morning Podcast 8-21-23 | Bill Burr
Uploaded: 2023-08-21T18:52:18.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 8-21-23 | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-08-21. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 8-21-23 | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-08-21. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 8-21-23 | Bill Burr

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the monday morning podcast
for monday
monday monday la la wa wa wa august 21st every other day every other day of the
fucking week i
feel fine yeah i always never understood that lyric every other day i feel fine
you feel fine
on a fucking tuesday you know i'm sick of monday getting shit all right you
walk in you're still
half in the bag by the time you even realize you're at work the fucking day is
half over
the the day that kills used to kill me when i had the nine to five what a way
to make a living all
right i used to work with dolly parton oh was she sassy the way she fucking
turned that boss's
goddamn slacks around um tuesday tuesday tuesday's the motherfucker monday you
get like i'm saying
you know what i mean like just your head's still spinning you had a good time
your little rest up
but tuesday tuesday's reality tuesday you come in after a sober night's sleep
hopefully unless you're
on your way to a program the program friends with bill um and i'm not talking
about me there oh geez i'm
talking about the guy with the fucking gin blossom in the middle of his face
there like you clicked on a
special place on google maps over there um tuesday tuesday was the day you came
in sober you had no fun
the day before you had no relaxation and then that's when it that's when the
job is like real like fuck
every decision every test i made every person i broke up with has led to me
sitting here today
on a fucking tuesday and i got four more of these days coming tuesday nothing
dragged
like 8 30 to 10 15 i remember that first fucking that's only an hour and 45
minutes it felt like
half the fucking day it felt like four hours before the roach coach would show
up it would pull into the
parking lot and everybody would spill out of the fucking warehouse and go down
there remember there
was this dude used to get the fucking hot dogs off of that thing i mean i he
never got sick
never got i don't even remember what i used to get the roach coach you go down
there
i was young some days i would go down there i'd get the cookie with the m&m in
it and that's what i would
have if i did that at my age at 10 30 in the morning i would get halfway
through the cookie
then my eyes would start getting heavy and i would start telling everyone that
could hear that i should
not have done what i just did you know because you know when you get old
everybody's got to hear about
your fucking mistakes and your ailments right and then about 15 minutes later
the yawning would start
and about 23 minutes after the ingestion i would be face down and that would be
it i mean i'm talking
like rem sleep trying to get rid of the sugar that was on top of all the sugar
i've eaten up until that
point um so anyway what what exactly is it that i'm talking what am i really
trying to say here um i'm
trying to say that i have a new date everybody in rama ontario october 6th at
the casinorama resort
i don't even remember saying yes to this shit i feel like my agent's just
fucking throwing dates now
pre-sales he's gonna hear this and be like oh for some sort of problem if there's
any sort of
communication issue that we need to work out i hope i did i'm fucking around if
you're listening mike
uh pre-sale starts wednesday i'm actually not fucking around i don't remember
this i'm sure i
said yes to it i'm sure you called me when i was driving down the fucking
highway trying to scroll to
the next acdc sign what where all right fuck it i'll do it so now i'm doing it
people october 6th at
the casino rama resort pre-sale starts on wednesday 10 a.m eastern time with
the code burr b-u-r-r the
general on sale is august 25th at 10 a.m where can we go for the ticket link at
www.billburr.com
for the ticket link and there you have it well anyway now that we got the
promotion
out of the way um oh you know what i gotta call this guy back he's doing a
benefit for all those
poor people out there in hawaii jesus christ what exactly happened there was a
fire during a hurricane
and it just blew around and killed them it was fucking unbelievable um condolences
to all of those
people out there um so as always comedians we always do benefits right as much
you guys think
that we're a bunch of cunts that trash people you know when shit hits the fan
we always go down we do
the fucking shows so i'll let you guys know about that um and i hope uh i hope
somebody's helping
those people out jesus christ um all right that was carrying me that was me
thinking of something
other than myself and the last 10 pounds i need to lose oh yeah i've been
fucking working out
oh you know it when i go overseas i make sure i am in the best shape both as a
professional
where my act is and physically i'm not gonna go over there and have these
fucking foreigners in their
own goddamn countries oh my god i gotta call people foreigners at some place
they don't laugh
fuck you guys you're fucking foreigners that would be the ultimate ugly
american i'm doing it
um anyway i've been hitting the gym guess what i did the other day i did a
fucking pull-up
shoulders bugging me a little bit but i did it i did a couple i did one chin up
like a week ago
then i did two i haven't done this shit since 2015 since i literally made the
bet with paul verzi
that i was going to be able to do 10 pull-ups when i was 70 years old the fuck
was i drink i was
drinking back then the hell was i thinking i had no idea when i'm like i
literally made that bet and
that was the end of my youth i think the universe heard it and was just like
wait a minute does this
guy still think he's young jesus christ he's gonna hurt himself let's fucking
uh let's uh let's snap
a couple of road rotator whatever the fuck i did i don't know what i did oh
billy bursitis touch of
arthritis and tinnitus that's me that's where i am arthritis bursitis and tinnitus
and i'm still
going to be able to knock those out you know i figured by the time this is the
thing this is this
is my wild card because we didn't say the i couldn't use peds
so i'm gonna ride out naturally until i'm 69 years 69 when i'm 69 years of age
if i don't feel i can do the fucking the pull-ups i i'm gonna do a cycle oh
billy no neck coming around
with this fucking i'm gonna be a jack with my fucking turkey neck coming around
the corner
busting out my stevie rayvon instep tank top that nobody had seen since 1989
when i was at great woods
got a couple more freckles that fucking day johnny winner was on that lineup
um oh it actually feels good to be able to lift my own body
you know and definitely want to do the squats but the thing is you got to
fucking stretch and make
sure you're doing shit correctly i go to the gym now and when i see these young
kids
you know by young kids i mean 20s and 30s and they're still lifting this
gigantic weight
you know making those fucking noises like did you just blow out your back or
did you have a
fucking orgasm you know those people ah
i remember telling you guys oh the best one i ever heard was there was a guy
like i don't know 20
years ago when i was at a new york sports club on the upper east side and there
was a guy used to
come in there dressed like fucking ken patera and if you don't know who ken
patera is look him up
blonde perm with a fucking headband and sunglasses all right looking that like
that dude that we built
like that fucking dude that kept following robbie benson in that basketball
movie with the guy from the
godfather part two remember that guy i don't like your can with your oily skin
your greasy hair
that guy he was a he was the coach in that movie that was a good movie that robbie
benson movie
what was that coach what did he say
you can take that scholarship you can stick it on us with the red hot poker a
red hot poker
um
anyway
um
this guy used to come in right and he had the short shorts he had the ken patera
fucking build with the fucking
beautiful noodle blonde hair
and uh and a headband and he had these glasses that were like shaded
and he would go in
and he would when he would fucking put up his weight
this is the noise he'd make he'd go
yeah
yeah
yeah
and the best one
was when he never had anybody spot him
so that last one he was squeezing out
he would go
yeah
you could hear it
through the whole fucking gym
and every once in a while i would catch some other dude's eye
and we would just start cracking up laughing
but nobody ever said a word to that guy
because that guy had like
he was on like la la zato shit
like that guy if you said anything to you
he would literally tear your arm off like a fucking chimpanzee
so anyway i'm i'm in i'm in the gym
and i i see these guys
you know those guys that do that dumb shit
where they bench
with like
like the 120 pound dumbbells
and they got to put them on their knee
and then do like that fucking donkey kick to get it up
like
i don't
i can't even tell you how fucking stupid it is to do that
you are gonna be
like
i mean i didn't even do that shit
look what happened to me
i am doing that thing
going like
we had the same fucking
you know
genetics
i am doing that old person thing
where what happened to me is gonna happen to you
i'm just saying
i'm just saying
you can keep yourself tight
i've learned this now
you can do just lightweight
lightweight
you don't have to even do high reps
you just have to do it
just prevent shit from sliding
listen people
don't end up like me
okay
oh speaking of me
which is a ginger
i am like three quarters
of an alb
like i'm an honorary
like i'd
i could show up
at like an albino's only
party
and when they look through the door
it could be like
come on
you know
can't do it for
one more time
for old time's sake
like abe vegoda
in the first godfather
that's two godfather references
in the first what
12 minutes
see people
you're not gonna get that
with these other podcasts
they're gonna talk about movies
that people actually saw
as opposed to me
who's gonna talk about shit
from fucking
50 years ago
i wonder if the godfather movies
to like young people
is like me saying
you should
you should watch
you know
gone with the wind
just that whole idea
of the mafia
and all that
i think now
they just look at it like
you mean corporations
aren't they doing that now
but
all that shit
they arrested
all those italian guys for
now is like legal
isn't that what's happening
i don't know
so anyway
we had a tropical
fucking storm
out here
um
i want to say
we're in the eye
of the storm right now
it's supposed to
was the heaviest
it was supposed to be
at four o'clock
it's now
616
pacific coast time
august 20th
i think it's starting
to die down
um
i went full on
fucking dad mode
you know
that's what you do
as a dad
when you know
there's a storm coming
even if you can't
fix anything
you're gonna go outside
and do something
you know
you're gonna move
something around
get these out of here
and fucking
put that in the garage
i said put it
put it in the garage
you have no idea
what's coming
i got the weather
channel on
don't ask questions
just do it
you know
you're going to
fucking general
actually i didn't do that
i was outside
all by myself
i got up on the roof
and i you know
got the fucking trees
and shit
so i was just brushing
all of this shit
off of the roof
any little pile
of something
making sure
all the drains
all the gutters
were cleared out
you know
total fucking dead
there's a storm
coming
batten down
the hatches
right
and then i
then we have
the drains
and i made sure
that all of those
things
thank god
i fucking
cleared those
things out
um
it's just unreal
how much just like
dirt and shit
gets in them
because it never
rains out here
so they just
you know
over the months
they just fill up
with sand
dirt
and god knows
what else
is flying around
the fucking air
out here
so i cleared
all of that out
and i gotta tell
you
the water
came down
rolled off
the fucking
roof
into the gutters
down the spout
round the fucking
driveway
off the fucking
property
and you think
my wife said
thank you
do you think
even for a
s