Name: Monday Morning Podcast 8-28-23 | Bill Burr
Uploaded: 2023-08-28T18:00:45.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 8-28-23 | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-08-28. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 8-28-23 | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-08-28. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 8-28-23 | Bill Burr

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for Monday, August 28th, 2022.
What's going on? Oh, 23. Sorry, 2023.
Oh, shit. You know, some days you're having such a great day that something
fucked up has to happen, and that's what happened to me today.
I had some buddies of mine. A buddy of mine plays drums. He's in town. He's out
in Riverside. He goes, you got to come out, check out my new kit, blah, blah,
blah, blah.
So I go down there. I watch him play soundcheck. Sick-ass Ludwig kid, double
bass, mic'd up. It's amazing. He lets me sit on the kit for a second.
We go out. We get coffee. Lead singer hangs out. Everything's fucking great. I'm
not naming names because I don't know. I just, you know, I don't like fucking
name dropping and shit, but totally cool guys, right?
So we fucking, we're hanging out. And I'm driving home, and I'm just merging on
to this highway, driving like, you know, fucking 10, 15 miles an hour.
And all of a sudden, boom, I just get rear-ended. And look, there's like this
fucking 18-wheeler. It's like, there's no way you didn't see me.
I didn't whip into his lane. I wasn't being that, you know, the truckers hate
when the cars, like, don't respect them and cut them off.
And, like, I wasn't even doing that. I was just gradually going in. He just
fucking bangs into the back of my car and just keeps going.
So I'm like, what the fuck? I'm looking at him, and he gives me, like, the
peace sign. Like, like, you know, peace means everything.
Like, peace, I'm sorry, and peace out. I'm out of here. So I think he meant I'm
out of here.
So I got his license plate. So I called the fucking 911.
And they're like, you know, kind of like what exit it happened on. He got a
pullover. I got to send the cop.
I go, I don't have time. I'm leaving the country. And they go, well, you can go
to a CHP thing.
You do this. You file a report. Do you have his license plate? I go, I got his
license plate.
I go, you fucking do this. You do that. And I just said, all right, all right.
Forget it.
Forget it. Just forget it. I'm not pulling over on the side of the road.
There's no fucking place to pull over. I'm not going to get hit while I'm
sitting here.
And at the end of the fucking day, I'm going on the road for two weeks.
I don't know what my car looks like. Ended up getting out of my car. It's not
bad.
He fucked up the rap. He scratched some shit.
But just, you know what annoyed me is that he didn't pull over.
If he just pulled over and gave me his side, I would just be like, all right,
you know,
I don't want to go through all this bullshit. Do you? Fuck it. I don't care.
All right.
I never put anything through my insurance company. I never do it.
I never do it because even if it's not my fault, they still raise my rate. So
fuck them.
Okay. And I don't want to talk to a bunch of cops about this bullshit.
They're busy doing other stuff. And then I got to give out all this fucking
information.
You know, I don't want to get the guy that drove the truck in trouble.
I didn't think I did it. Maybe I don't know his version. Maybe I did something
wrong.
I didn't. I just was coming over.
So whatever. I got a body shop.
I'm just going to drop it off tomorrow. And when I return from my run of dates
overseas,
it will be repaired. They'll say how much it is. I will pay it and I will get
on with my fucking life.
Whatever. It was that guy driving the truck really fucking annoyed me because I
was going to be cool.
Because if he said it was my fault and it sounded like it was, I didn't think
it was.
I don't give a fuck. You know, but whatever. I get it. I get it.
He probably deals with guys in cars all the time that are fucking assholes.
And he had had enough and just decided he was going to fucking drive into me
and I hit the lottery. Right.
But also I look at it like the balance of life. You know, my day was fucking
great.
You know, and I went down, I got to play a fucking killer double bass drum set.
Have coffee and just watch this amazing band play soundcheck.
And it's just like, why wouldn't that happen?
It just bugged me that he didn't even, yeah, fuck you. I'm not pulling over.
Fuck you.
I don't know. Sometimes I really feel like
the rude behavior
of the internet
is now spilling out
into real life.
And I just really mean like
the level of rude that people are
and like comments and shit like that.
That just becomes like a habit
and just everybody just has to be like a douche.
You know?
I mean, I thought I was being cool
because like I could have been like, oh my God, my neck.
Oh my God.
I have whiplash.
Oh my God.
I'm going to sue your fucking company.
And I wasn't being that guy.
I don't know.
What the fuck are you going to do?
What are you going to do?
What the fuck are you going to do?
So anyway,
I'm getting ready to go to Abu Dhabi, Abu Dhabi, Abu Dhabi, Abu Dhabi, Abu Dhabi,
Abu Dhabi, do.
I'm not going to lie to you.
I'm nervous about the fucking show
because they asked me to do it
and then I said, really?
And they were like, yeah.
And I was like, all right.
And then it becomes like, don't talk about this.
Don't talk about that.
Da-da-da-da-da-da.
I'm like, dude, what the fuck?
Now I'm all nervous.
I ain't trying to get arrested abroad.
I'll go out there in a fucking tuxedo and do knock-knock jokes.
I am not.
Yeah.
I don't need any fucking Lenny Bruce cred.
I'm not trying to get arrested and fucking, I'm not doing that shit.
So whatever.
I'm going to feel them out.
I think it's going to be like a bunch of expats from what I heard.
English, Australia, American, you know, bankers, developers, whatever.
I think that that's what the crowd's going to be.
So I'm going to get the lay of the land before I go up there.
But, you know, there's always like that, that thing in the back of my head.
Like I remember when I did that gig in India that I had such a great time doing.
But there was like, I had to get a piece of paper saying I could go into the
country to do it.
And then I had to get that piece of paper that said I could leave.
And I couldn't get it until I went to the country.
And I had to go to whatever the hell it was, the consulate, the embassy.
I don't know what it was.
But I just remember the promoter's like, don't worry, man.
I go in there with you.
We'll go in and we'll knock it out.
And we went to go into the place.
And then they were like, yeah, no, you can't come in.
Only the comedian.
And then I fucking went in there.
And I'm just sitting there like, you know.
And there was some beautiful songwriter that won a Grammy.
And she went over there and they didn't let her out.
So I'm thinking like, if they don't let her out, there's no fucking way they're
letting me out.
Unless it's based on looks, like reverse.
Like get this ugly fucking bald ginger out of here.
Maybe I've got a chance that way.
I don't know what.
But all I remember was I was sitting in that place with this nice lady I met
from Afghanistan.
And she was trying to figure out if she was going to get out.
And then it kind of hit me like, wow, man.
I remember when I was a kid, I saw that movie Stripes.
And that guy was trying to teach him English.
And he was like, you know, son of bitch, shit.
Son of bitch, shit.
I realized like, wow, I am literally in the classroom right now.
Because I don't speak, you know, whatever.
What is the language?
Hindu, Indian.
I don't even know what the language is.
You know, I come from American public schools.
So all they talked to me about was the fucking Mayflower.
It's always about white guys coming over in ships.
That's all I know.
So I finally got the fucking piece of paper.
And if you ever go to India, the people there are fucking hilarious.
They're ball breakers.
They've got an unbelievable sense of humor.
That was my big takeaway.
When I met the comedians over there, like, you're going to have a good time
when you go there, man.
They're really, really like funny people.
So I said to the lady, I was like, all right, I got the piece of paper.
I go, so tonight after my show, when I, you know, I take the red eye out, I can
leave, right?
And, you know, she did that thing where she does like the bobblehead thing.
Which that means, that's like shrugging your shoulders over there.
She didn't nod yes.
She didn't say no.
She just did the bobblehead thing.
And then I was like, well, what is, what was the purpose of me getting this
then?
And she did it again.
And I was like, all right, well, I'm getting DMV vibes here.
So I'm just going to take my piece of paper and leave.
So I went out and I did my show.
And the entire time I'm doing the show, in the back of my head, I'm thinking
like, am I going to get out of here?
Whatever.
But I did my show.
And then afterwards, I hung out with a bunch of comics from over there.
And we had a great fucking time.
And then I went to the airport.
And fortunately, I was, it was so late at night, there was like nobody there.
And I hand the piece of paper to the dude.
I'm like, yes, this is saying I can leave.
And he fucking does the bobblehead thing.
And I was like, I lost my temper.
I remember that.
I'm like, I'm fine.
I have to go.
I, you know, I have a show I'm going to do.
You know, I just did that.
And I sort of guerrillaed my, once I lost my temper, I was like, oh no, I just
fucked myself.
But it actually worked.
Maybe he was tired or what.
And I did, but I did not feel comfortable until, I think we connected in Dubai.
I didn't feel comfortable until the plane took off and we were over Europe.
And then I just kept playing in my head like, well, I still haven't cleared
customs to get back into the United States.
So anyway, I'm anticipating that it's going to be a great show.
I just, I'm a little like, you know, I just, you know, I don't want to go to
somebody's country and piss people off.
Like, I'm not trying to do that.
I'm also, I don't feel like going over there and getting in trouble.
You know what I mean?
So, and I'm not going to lie to you guys.
I have so much fucked up shit in my act right now.
And I'm just going through it in my head.
And it's like, you ever see when those people come over and they're just like,
you know, they're trying to help somebody like clean up their closet.
And what I love is all they do is just throw out a bunch of shit.
They don't try to talk to the person and figure out how the fuck did you end up
with this closet full of shit.
They don't.
They just go, when's the last time you wore this?
That's in that pile.
These, we keeping these?
No.
I like those.
No, we're throwing these out.
That's what my actors right now.
I'm just like, can I do this bit?
No, no.
Throw that one out.
Can I do that?
Fucking throw that out.
So, I think, but I think this happens to me a lot because I freaked out when I
was doing that gig in India going like, you know, are they going to know what I'm
talking about and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Am I going to get out of the country?
And everything worked out.
So, I think that that's what's going to happen.
I'm just more like, I just want to get over there and do it because I'm hoping
it goes well.
And then I can come back and go to like a MotoGP race or a Formula One race
over there or something like that.
And then I'm also like, I've never been in like an Arabic country or anything
like that.
So, I'm kind of fascinated to just like, you know, do what I do in every
country.
I just kind of find like a cafe where it's like good people watching and I just
sit and I just kind of watch people go by.
And I, you know, see the interactions and the cars, like everything is just
like interesting, you know.
Like, I think the dumbest thing you can do when you go to another country is to
go to like a tourist attraction.
Unless it was something you really wanted.
Like, I get the Eiffel Tower and some shit like that.
But like, you know, even if you go to Chicago, like don't fucking go to the top
of the Sears Tower.
What, look down at a bunch of shit you should be doing?
I wish