Name: Bill Burr: Live at the Troubadour 3 | the Monday Morning Podcast
Uploaded: 2023-09-02T10:00:02.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr: Live at the Troubadour 3 | the Monday Morning Podcast' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-09-02. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr: Live at the Troubadour 3 | the Monday Morning Podcast' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-09-02. Transcript available.

Bill Burr:  Live at the Troubadour 3 | the Monday Morning Podcast

Hey, what do you say there? How are you? And she's got the phone out, right
from the beginning.
We say, don't take the phone out. And she's got to take it out. She still has
it out.
This is young people. I need some content. I need content for my page.
So all these fucking people I don't know still like me. I need to get some
content.
What is it? What is it about your page that makes you special?
What are you saying to the world with your brand?
You know, it's fucking hilarious. By the way, I'm just going to walk around
doing this podcast.
At some point, I will get tired because I am old and I will sit down and it'll
be a sad moment that will remind all of you of your fucking mortality.
Never do that. You ever go see a band from your fucking age?
You know, and you're like, it's going to be great. I'm going to go see the
fucking scorpions.
Right. The guy comes out and he looks like Richard Simmons now.
You're like, I thought Richard Simmons stopped fucking helping out fat old
people.
I love that Richard Simmons retired or got held captive by some people who got
control of his money.
Whatever, whatever you want to believe happened to him.
But all I know is he's done with sweaty fat people on cruises.
You know, we're in West Hollywood right now.
Can you think of a sadder third chapter to your gay life than to be on a
fucking cruise ship with a bunch of fat, straight old people trying to get them
to sweat to the oldies?
What fucking respectful gay man dances around to Bill Haley in the comments?
It doesn't happen.
How can you roofie a curious teen with a one, two, three o'clock?
Yeah, that's not what you do.
It's got to be that oots, oots, oots, oots, right?
It eases you into the sexual assault.
Are you saying all gay men sexually assault people?
No.
But some of them do.
And that is true progressive thought.
Realizing that there's creeps with dicks
in all gender, fucking whatever you're supposed to say.
Oh, whatever the fuck you're supposed to say.
You know what's funny right now is watching the hardcore left walking away from
their hardcoreness.
You know?
After they fucking took out so many innocent people.
Now they're doing their new thing.
It's like, nobody got canceled.
What are you talking about?
Oh, God.
Another old person saying we can't even say this.
It's like, no, you did do that.
You did do that, you fucking cunts.
Right?
That is what happened.
That is what happened.
Right?
It all happened.
We all rollerbladed.
We all told people they had to get vaccinated.
And liberal left people flipped out if you didn't say they.
And they tried to fucking end you.
That's what they did.
That is what they did.
Now they're like, what are you talking about?
Like your parents.
Right?
When you go home for Christmas.
And you're like, you know, every day you called me a dumb cunt.
And it really affected my self-esteem.
And they're always like, what?
I never said that.
You're crazy.
Jesus Christ.
Just have some casserole.
It's going to be weird.
It's going to be weird when your parents die.
Right?
And you don't even cry.
You know?
And you just feel more like it was like an old roommate that you lost touch
with.
It is like an old roommate.
Who has an old roommate that ever taught them how to ride a bike?
They didn't.
If you have bad parents, they didn't do that either.
So when they die, it's just sort of weird.
Like, oh yeah.
Whatever happened to that guy?
We're here at the Troubadour.
How about a round of applause for this legendary venue?
Elton John took a shit in that actual toilet up there.
That's how he came up with that album title.
Whatever that was called.
Brown Derby and the fucking choo-choo train going up your buttocks.
What did he call it?
I saw him when I was in Vegas.
It was fucking amazing.
The guy came out, had no opener.
Played like three hours of nothing but number one hits.
Right?
But at the end of every song, what he does, because he's so fucking old now,
and he can't do anything.
He just, you know, the piano, whatever that fucking doorway is.
That trap door on top of the piano.
I'm not an audiophile.
I don't know what the fuck it's for.
What he would do at the end of the song, he'd fucking, you know,
And it's Saturday night, but at the end, he'd fucking end it.
He would just slam it down.
And then he fucking stared.
He mean-mugged the crowd.
And everybody's like, ah!
Yeah!
Fucking Elton John, man!
And I was like, why does he keep doing that?
And then I saw him walking.
And I was like, oh, that's why.
That's why.
No, actually what happened was I went into John Varvatos,
because that's what, you know, any dad, any old dad, that's where you shop,
of a certain age, that sort of has a punch, you know,
but doesn't think they're that fat, right?
You go on, you buy a cool shirt.
They had a picture in there of him in the 70s,
and he was literally slamming down his hands on the piano,
and his feet were all the way behind his head,
and he was wearing, like, four-inch, like, wooden clogs
before slamming down on his fucking hips.
And I was like, oh, that's what happened.
He did that for three decades on Coke,
and that's why he now walks like he used to be a fullback on the Steelers.
Dude, he just fucking walked across this.
It's like, you know what?
I believe that this is the farewell tour.
I don't see this guy coming back, you know?
And I'll say, that's a compliment to him, all right?
When you play piano, and at the end of all of it,
you walk like Earl Campbell,
I knew that wasn't going to land as hard as I wanted to, right?
Who was Earl Campbell?
He was two and a half Bo Jacksons, like, welded together.
Anyway, so I wore my jean jacket here,
because this is what you do when you're a man of a certain age,
and you're going out to a rock venue.
I'm going to wear my jean jacket
so people know that I'm still rocking, you know?
I'm going to stop short of putting my favorite band things on it,
because then it becomes sad.
It becomes, like, really, like, a sad thing.
Speaking of sad, this is, like, one of these fucking benches
that's perfect for a homeless guy to lay down on.
You know what I mean?
And you get mad when you show up, like,
God damn it, I wanted to sit down,
and they're always sitting there.
Like, you ever just have, like, a shit fucking week,
and you hate your life,
and you don't love the person that you're with anymore,
but too many holidays are coming up,
and you can't break up with them?
You know, and maybe they have, like, a birthday,
and you just got to go through the motions again
as you're staring at that blank part of the card,
trying to write down emotions you don't feel anymore.
And all you want to do is lay down, right?
All you want to do is fucking lay down,
and then you come up, and you just see that fucking homeless guy
just laying there, like, the middle of the day
on, like, a Tuesday,
and you pull up in your Acura
with the special sports package,
all the trappings of a fucking cubicle, right?
And you just look over, and I'm going, like,
fuck, I'd love to do that right now.
You know, that's when your life sucks,
when a homeless guy on a Tuesday afternoon
can make it look good.
Like, what if I just tapped out of society?
You know?
I'm sure I could find an off-ramp
that there's not another homeless guy yet.
That seems to be where you make your money,
the off-ramps.
The longest red light in L.A.
The off-ramp or the 101.
If someone just sits there,
he's looking at you,
a dog's looking at you.
Occasionally, there's a baby,
and you're like, all I got's a 20.
It's like, I don't, I care, like, $5.
I don't care $20.
This could get me a gallon and a half of gas.
Thank you, Joe Biden.
I love how people still blame ties for gas prices
and not the fact that we print a trillion dollars
with nothing behind it every August.
This is liberals.
This is fucking Donald Trump.
Oh, is that what it is?
I thought it was 10 cunts
in the Federal Reserve with suits, right?
Did somebody explain to me
why the president just doesn't send the army over there
with guns and walk in
and be like, yeah, this is over.
This is over.
We don't owe you any money.
You guys can all go fuck yourselves.
And it's our currency again.
And we say it's worth something.
All right?
You guys left me on that.
What are you all, economists?
That's actually not how it works.
What you gotta have is you need a valuable medal.
But what gives gold value?
Excellent question.
Let's go to the fucking blackboard.
That's when you know you're in deep shit.
When you gotta take that required economic class
and the fucking guy's all excited about it.
He literally sounds like he's speaking a different language.
He's just like, there's no way I'm gonna pass this class, right?
I have a better chance of banging the hottest chick
in this class than I do
of getting any sort of respectable fucking grade.
Um, sorry.
I'm, oh, I am in a mood.
My shoulder's fucked up again.
Went right back to square.
You know, it happens.
You know, I was fucking rubbing one out.
I got into it.
My, I used a lotion.
My hand flew off my dick.
And it just felt like lightning.
You know what I mean?
My balls are blue.
My fucking shoulder hurts.
This is what it is.
They don't make an icy hot for that, do they?
Icy hot.
Is that the dumbest fucking thing ever?
There's so much shit out there.
All it does is just numb it.
And then you'd go wears away.
Those guys are drug dealers.
I need another icy hot.
I can, I can feel the pain in my back again.
Have you ever thought about maybe getting a massage?
You dumb fuck.
You guys don't like massages, huh?
Is it too gay for you?
I hate when somebody asks me, you know,
like my masseuse unfortunately passed away,
the great Diana Linden.
And so I've been looking for a new one, right?
So I'm calling up my agent
because they represent all these fancy fucking people.
So I'm like, all right, fancy people like massages.
Who do you got?
And the guy sends me the email back.
He goes, well, you got some people.
Do you prefer a man or a woman, right?
And it's like, ah, Jesus Christ.
What the fuck do you think?
Of course a woman.
No, get me some hairy bald guy
with fucking hair coming out of his ears.
Of course I want a woman, right?
Exactly.
You want a woman to touch you
and then, you know, you can think in your head,
maybe she likes me, you know?
Maybe there's something else at the end of it.
It never happens, right?
But it's the hope.
I like to have hope during a massage,
not horror, right?
Not the Travolta ending, you know?
I want the, uh...
Not to say there's anything wrong at the house.
You know what's funny?
I was coming down here the other day
and there was, you know,
some, you know, gay bar down there.
Total Sausage Fest, right?
And they had them, like, fucking boxed in.
There was nobody on the sidewalk
and there was, like, 80 gay guys
all just standing like this
inside this fucking thing.
It's like, evidently,
that's the place to be.
Yeah, I was riding with my wife.
I go, look, old Cock and Pfeffers
is fucking jammed tonight.
If I ran a gay bar,
that's what it would be called.
Cock and Pfeffers.
I'm a Bugs Bunny fan.
I don't know why.
Hello around the world!
Huh?
No, no, the camera's not you,
you self-involved Hollywood people
with your hot tubs up there
banging babies
and drinking the blood
so you can stay younger.
That's what the rest of the world thinks.
They're all like,
that's what they're doing.
You know what else I heard?
What's going on, mainland China?
Risking your freedom
to watch this ignorance.
How are you?
No, I get people from mainland China.
How's it going?
With dreams of hopping the fence
and going to Hong Kong, right?
Do they have the Beijing wall
or something like that over there?
I don't know.
I grew up in American public schools.
They didn't teach me that stuff.
They only taught me
about the powdered wigs people.
And that's why I think
black people are prone to violence
and never assimilated.
I love when white people say that.
Oh, they're prone to violence.
Have you ever fucking
on your own?
Just read abou