Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 11-16-23 | Bill Burr
Uploaded: 2023-11-18T00:09:04.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 11-16-23 | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-11-18. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 11-16-23 | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-11-18. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 11-16-23 | Bill Burr

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon,
just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you,
checking in to see how you're doing, seeing how you're feeling.
Sorry, I'm way behind this week. I got some family in town, family baguished,
and I didn't do the podcast last night, and this morning, I had to do the Rich
Eisen Show, one of my favorite, favorite shows to do, Transcend Sports, just a
fucking great guy, went down there and had a great time.
So, I think it's live. I'm not sure. Fuck it! We'll do it live! I think it's
live, so I don't know if it already happened or not. I think it did. I think it
already happened.
We had a great discussion. We talked about, you know, people talking about
firing Bill Belichick. We talked about the Michigan thing. We talked about old
dads. I could finally talk about old dads.
I fucking sat in traffic. I mean, I had a whole goddamn day here. I gotta get
back to the gym. I'm eating right, but I gotta get back to the gym. I swear to
God, dude.
Like, I understand why guys my age are just doing this shit, you know? It's
like, you know, the testosterone, right? The hair plugs, the Botox, the penis
enlargement, the calf implants, right?
The horse tranquilizers. I understand, you know, the micro dosing. I get it. I
get it. If you just fucking naturally live out your life, whatever that means.
You don't take any supplements or anything like that. You know, I watched these
lions take down an elephant one time.
And that's what life is. Life is the lions and you're the fucking elephant.
He was able to shake them off for a while when he was young, but then it was
fucking thing was old.
And it just happens one time that last lion jumps on you and your two back
knees buckle and you go down.
Your back legs buck. And that's just fucking it. The thing just goes down and
just never.
And you fucking come on, man, get up.
You know, and the thing just doesn't fucking get up.
And like, that's what it is. If I don't go to the gym and I don't eat right and
I don't stretch within like a week and a half period,
like, um,
I just, I just become,
I come become Billy old face.
And I have to tell you
that my mobility and my strength
as a 55 year old man versus 55 year old men
when I was a kid,
like,
we got to admit,
human beings are fucking crushing it for a long,
long,
there was no chicks that were fuckable in their fifties.
When I was a kid,
well into their forties,
they were fucking,
they weren't even over the hill.
They were,
it was the horizon.
It was fucking over.
They laid in the sun.
They smoked fucking cigarettes.
They drank booze.
I mean,
they literally looked like Robert Shaw
in fucking Jaws by the time,
even with the sideburns too.
By the time they were like fucking 48,
it was a wrap.
And, you know,
you look at some of that shit,
like look at,
I was looking the other day,
somebody put this up on Instagram,
when you watched All in the Family,
they looked like they were 70.
They were in their fucking forties.
So,
I don't know what to tell you.
So anyway,
yeah,
I start aging in Carol O'Connor years.
So,
you know,
I did so well when I was in New York,
but as you,
if you knew from the last podcast,
I tried an egg cream.
So,
you know,
once I did that,
I took a hit of the crack pipe,
but I've just,
I've been able to,
to not relapse on the desserts.
You know,
I've seen them.
I've been in the vicinity.
I'm looking at them.
They're looking at me.
Oh,
for God fucking sakes.
What do you want?
Um,
what do you want?
What did the person call me
and then not call me?
What is going on?
Hang on a second.
You know,
God bless these fucking people
that try to do something
in the neighborhood.
I just picked up the phone
and the person just goes,
hi,
hi.
I'm,
I'm Patty something or other.
You know,
um,
gee,
is this a good time to talk?
And I said,
no,
I'm doing a podcast,
but have a great day,
Patty.
Patty cake,
Patty cake,
oh,
Patty,
Patty cake,
Patty cake.
Stop knocking on the doors.
That's a fucking thankless job,
just walking around
doing that shit.
What was I talking about?
I was talking about
the goddamn egg cream.
No,
I've been able to fucking
look at these desserts
and they're looking back at me.
You know what I mean?
Like I'm looking across
at Mike Singletary
and his eyes are getting all wide
like he's going to come in
and fuck me up
and I'm able
to do the Dan Marino
quick release
and get the fuck away from it
and all it takes is like,
you know,
if you just dipped back
into sugar again
and you just did one thing,
all it takes is like
a day and a half
and it's gone.
If you've been on the sugar,
if you're using,
if you're avoiding your friends
and your loved ones
and you're just locking yourself
in a closet,
consuming
a fucking,
you know,
Entenmann's cake yourself,
then,
you know,
it's going to take longer
but at least I got that
out of my fucking life.
But,
um,
anyway,
I watched a little football
the other night,
the Buffalo Bills
versus the Denver Broncos,
me and Paul Verzi.
We picked the Monday night special
on BetMGM
and,
uh,
I,
you know,
I watched that fucking game.
Like,
I can't figure out,
like,
I felt like both
Josh Allen
and,
uh,
Russell were,
were like,
they were just,
they're just like
in their heads.
They were making throws
that they don't normally make.
It was kind of like
a weird thing.
Um,
didn't understand
why that was happening.
Uh,
and I still can't believe,
like,
how the fuck is Buffalo
a five and five team?
They were like stacked.
They were loaded.
What is going on?
The whole fucking AFC East
is just,
it's just in shambles.
Then the Dolphins
came roaring out.
Yeah,
the Dolphins are gonna do it.
Then they've been shit in the bed.
And now for whatever fucking reason,
the Raiders are going down
to Miami
and they're like,
they're like fucking
the Dolphins are favored
by like,
I don't know,
62 points or something.
I guess because they have
that backup quarterback,
the backup to the backup
to the backup
like the Giants.
I don't know.
This is a weird time of year.
People start getting fucking hurt.
People start getting fired.
Right?
People start eating,
drinking egg creams
and what happens?
It all goes to fog and shit.
Um,
anyway,
I had one of my buddies
came to town
and I went down
to the comedy store last night
to do a benefit
and I had this new idea
that I wanted to do.
And I was like,
you know what?
Fuck this.
I'm gonna open with this thing
and just see where this goes.
And it went absolutely perfectly.
And of course,
I didn't record it
because I never record.
And then I started
mumbling it to myself
when I got home
and I was already
fucking it up.
And I was just like,
why,
why,
why,
why wouldn't you
just record it?
Just to that first time,
just to have it
when you're speaking
from the hat.
Right?
And you're not thinking about
why isn't this working
like it did the other night
or how did I say it last night?
You're just fucking there.
You're there
and the crowd is there
like those fucking cookies
downstairs
that my wife keeps buying,
you know?
Because she likes something sweet
every once in a while
and I just say,
can you get this shit out of the,
it's not fair.
It's not fair to live with somebody
and tell them to get all the cookies
and chips out of the house.
You know?
They have to live like this,
this,
this all or nothing lifestyle
because you don't know
how to fucking control
your impulses.
You know?
Nia can have some chips
and then leave.
She,
you know what?
She can walk away.
She can fucking make
a little money in blackjack
and go back to the fucking,
we're not me.
I'm fucking,
I'm staying at the table.
Right?
Splitting Oreos.
Sorry.
Splitting Oreos like aces.
You get it everybody?
I'll be in Vegas
this Friday night.
Oh my God.
Listening to these fucking people
whining about this goddamn race.
I'm going to call it right now.
Despite all the boo birds,
this is going to be the best
visual fucking race
in recent F1 history.
With all of those fucking casinos.
Because you know something,
as much as the one that I love,
even though it's usually
a boring race
because the cars are so fucking wide
you can't pass,
is I love the one
in Monaco.
You know what I mean?
That was like,
like Monaco,
you just heard about that
when I was a kid.
This is before the internet.
So you'd watch like
a James Bond movie,
you know,
and he would be there
with his white tuxedo
and his fucking black tie
just with that,
just a stunning piece of ass
next to him.
And that's really what she was.
You know what I mean?
There was no fucking relationship.
She was just there
to hang out
with the coolest guy
in the planet
and then get banged afterwards.
And she was happy.
You know,
there was no Facebook
to whine about,
you know,
that he fucking,
I don't know what he did,
you know,
he fucking
wrapped up in a riddle
with the enigma
of how he got her
to go into bed with him
or whatever.
It was like,
no.
She saw a guy
pull up in an Austin Martin,
whatever the fuck he had,
that silver fucking car.
Okay,
she saw the bulge
and I'm not talking about his dick,
I'm talking about the gun.
All right?
She's like,
this is a dangerous man.
All right?
And then he goes in there,
he's totally chill.
He tells people
how he likes his drink
and the way he wants his name said.
So now she's on his arm,
right?
And he's fucking winning
because what else
would he be doing?
You knew this guy
was going to win.
She saw a winner
and you know what?
She wanted some of that
for herself
and she would go back
and bang this guy.
That was my idea
of what Monaco was.
You know?
But whenever you go
to see the race,
you know,
they just show
the fucking tracks.
You know,
they don't go to the casinos
and see all of these people
that saw that James Bond movie
or whatever fucking movie
I saw.
You know?
They don't show those people
trying to recreate it.
You know,
by having children
dig diamonds out of a mine.
I mean,
it's not a movie anymore.
I mean,
there's only a certain way
you can get this money.
Okay?
In a movie.
It's clean energy.
In reality,
it's definitely
fucking something else.
So,
anyway,
yeah,
that was the Monaco
that I knew
and like,
that's the only thing
when I watched that race.
I just wish
that there was more
of those shots
of Monaco
because I'm fucking fascinated.
It's not,
yeah,
I always thought
it was part of France.
It isn't.
It's a sovereign state.
You know?
Like San Marino.
Monaco.
Sorry,
I got a phone call
and look who walked in.
Hello.
It's the lovely Nia.
It's me.
I was just talking to them
about how cool
I think this race
is going to be
at F1.
Oh, yeah?
Because it's going
to be at night
like they do it
in fucking Singapore.
Singapore.
Rob to the rich
and give it
to the Singapore.
Are you just
starting your podcast?
I'll step out
if you're doing your thing.
I'm doing my thing.
I'm like 12 minutes in.
Okay.
All righty.
All righty.
All right.
Nice to see you.
Nice to see you too.
Nice to see everybody.
Not really,
but you know.
to hear everybody.
Anyway,
so
the long
and the short
of this is
I just,
you know,
Vegas,
I mean,
it's fucking showbiz.
They know
what they're going to do.
They're going to show off
the gams.
Right?
They're going to show off
the ladies.
They're going to have
all of those
fucking casinos lit up.
You got to watch.
Even if you don't
give a fuck,
it's going to be at night.
It's going to be so cool
and just to have
that whole thing
fucking lit up.
I hope it's a huge success.
You know,
it's funny.
They already said
that the race
has made more money.
It's made two times
the amount of money
that the Super Bowl
is going to bring in.
And what I think
is hilarious about that
is just like,
well,
for who?
Not for the average Joe.
Some guy living on
fucking hard luck lane
out there
right next to,
you know,
on the corner of hard luck
and crapped out,
right?
Is he going to get
a fucking check
because the F1 went there?
Well,
it's going to create jobs.
It's going to trickle down.
I'm hoping it's going
to be a great,
a smashing success
because 