Name: Monday Morning Podcast 12-18-23 | Bill Burr
Uploaded: 2023-12-18T16:58:56.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 12-18-23 | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-12-18. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 12-18-23 | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-12-18. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 12-18-23 | Bill Burr

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for Monday,
December 18th, 2023. We are one week away from Jesus' birthday. Jesus, if you're
from
a different part of the world, Jesus' birthday, Jesus, the J-Star, the son of
God, the boss's
son, the trippy hippie, the shirtless wonder, the fucking long-haired miracle,
right? The
fatherless child, the little bastard. His fucking dad's literally invisible. It's
his birthday.
Happy birthday to Jesus. What do you say there, Jesus? What the fuck are you
waiting for? I
don't think you're gonna come back. We didn't treat you nice the first time.
That's probably
what's happening. You gotta go down there in hell. I ain't fucking going back
down there.
Look, it was a long time ago. Things have progressed. Have they? All right. You
know,
Dad, I mean, you fucking made him. Why don't you go down there and deal with it?
That's
kind of fucked up, though, that he sent his son down to deal with us when it
was his mistake.
Is that where that whole thing came about? Where the son pays for the sins of
the father?
Is that what it was? I have no idea. I was actually a religious historian in a
college. I can't even,
you guys wouldn't believe that for half a second. No, I wasn't. I was not. Oh
my God. Can you imagine
having to write a paper on fucking Gandhi or whatever, whatever religious
person? Is he religious?
He was a dude, right? He was a guy. And he kind of looked like Ben Kingsley.
And Ben Kingsley played him and he won an Oscar. Gandhi was Gandhi and he got
killed.
You know? And I think that that's what's wrong.
You know? Steve Jobs compared himself to Gandhi or whatever the hell it is he
feels his company was
doing. And then he did that and then he died.
Curse of Gandhi, I think. Is that a real thing?
Anyway, and then there's also Christmas shopping. Did you do all your Christmas
shopping?
You fucking kids. Do you lazy ass Christmas shopping? You just go on the
internet and give
me one of these and this size. What color? Ooh, let's just scroll through. It's
this fucking
model. Walk, you know, one picture with 48 different fucking colored shirts. It
only gets paid once.
And then you're all done with your shopping. Let me press the gift wrap button.
I still go to the stores and I got all the shit, you know, I bought all the
stuff that I need to get
and then I got it all, I got it all wrapped up. I already gift wrapped the
whole thing. I just this
week, I was like, I'm wrapping five gifts a day and I'm just going to knock
this thing out. I'm not
going to sit down all at once. I'm not fucking doing that. You know, wrapping
starts off. You handle it
with care, however that thing goes. I'm sure that St. Nick's soon will be there,
right?
And by like the third package, you're just like, fuck this, right? And you just,
you know, wadden it up. Remember my dad was the worst. My mother was the
best at wrapping gifts. You could always tell the ones that my dad did,
you know, especially if it was like a shirt. He would just fucking roll it up
like a newspaper
with the, with the, the, look like a giant crumpled up piece of, uh, uh, gift
wrap. And then he just
threw a giant piece of tape over it. Um, yeah, that was not his forte. Um,
anyway, so I hope you guys
got all your Christmas shopping done. I hope you're going to have a nice one,
you know, a nice Hanukkah,
a nice Kwanzie, a nice J star fucking Santa Claus thing or whatever it is, you
know, and hopefully
people will be nice to one another. Maybe in 2024, you know, you could stop
hating somebody for dumb
fucking reasons. You could maybe shut off your fucking TV and not, or, you know,
I swear to God,
if the next president would just shut down CNN and Fox news and eliminate the
ability for people to
make comments on the internet, like the level of peace that he would bring to
this country.
And I am saying he, because we all know at this point, it's a man's job.
All right. If it's a woman's job, how come you haven't gotten it yet? You know,
you ever think about that? Let me guess. That's our fault, right? Ladies, do
you ever take responsibility
for your own actions? You know, I don't think you want the job. I really don't
because it's been my
experience that if a woman wants something, she gets it. All right. Now that
fucking job has been
available since fucking Ben Franklin was walking around goose and chicks and
hoop skirts. And you
have yet to get that job. Um, who's running? I'm trying to even think women
that have even run for it.
Hillary famously did not win the democratic nominee. And the Democrats famously
gave it to her anyways.
Typical fucking broad move. She didn't earn it. Oh, give it to her anyway.
And then what happened? And then fucking, uh, Joe Biden, the second woman to
run for president.
He didn't win it. Right. Oh, Bernie. Bernie Sanders got the fucking Buffalo Sabres
1999 in the crease
treatment. Fucking twice. Happened twice. You know, I was thinking about the
Buffalo Bills and they're losing
four Super Bowls in a row. The only one you can really break their balls about
when you think about it is,
is the, the Redskins loss. All right. If you look at the, the fucking New York
Giants in 1990,
they had like three hall of famers on their defense. They had Lawrence Taylor,
the greatest linebacker of
all time, arguably the greatest defensive player of all time. All right. They
had, who else they have?
They had Harry Carson, Leonard Marshall, Chip Banks, and guess who, guess who
was coming up with the
defensive scheme? Bill Belichick. All right. You're not winning that one.
So I, you know, who gives a fuck? They missed a field goal. Get them, get the
fuck out of here.
It was amazing that they were even in that goddamn game. Right. And then they
went up against the
Dallas Cowboys two years in a row. The Dallas Cowboys, the product of the worst
fucking trade
in NFL history, the Herschel Walker trade. They got like 10 players. And for
some reason in the
contract, it said if Jimmy Johnson cut any of the, any players that he cut, he
got, he got the Vikings
number one picks. So they signed the deal and he immediately cut all 10 of them.
And then they
got all those picks and then he just fucking scored with so many of them. I
mean, half of that fucking
team is in the hall of fame. So the only one I'll give them is they lost to Joe
Gibbs and the Redskins
with Mark Ripien. And the genius of Joe Gibbs is that he won three Super Bowls
with three different
quarterbacks. Right. Joe Theismann, um, Doug Williams, and then Mark Ripien.
You know, that's the only one
I give him grief on. But the other ones, I mean, who the fuck, who the fuck was
not going to lose?
I mean, the only people who beat the giant, the Patriots who beat belt, Bill
Belichick are the
Giants. Right. And he was on the Giants. I mean, that was just fucking, it was
open and shut. Right.
Oh, I know Philly fans are probably upset that they're not getting their nod. I
always forget
that we lost to the Eagles. You know why? Because we won one the year before it
and the year after it.
And it's just like, and plus that was the goofiest Super Bowl I've ever seen in
my life. Like there
wasn't a punt until the fucking fourth quarter. So I don't know what that was.
I hated that game.
Um, I hated that game as much as I hated that Kansas City Chiefs Buffalo Bills
game where there was just
no fucking defense. The final score was like 78, 77. Um, anyway, speaking of
football,
speaking of football, you know, this, this, this is something that, that I, uh,
you know,
I'm not the smartest guy, but gee, Bill, we never would have noticed with the
first half of this
fucking podcast, the first 10% of it, I should say. Um, you know, the Michigan
Wolverines,
they get suspended for stealing fucking signs, which I get it in baseball, not
as a base runner.
I get why the Astros were in trouble because you know, there's like five
signals in baseball.
One's a fastball, two's the slide. Once you figure that out, you know what the
fuck's coming.
And you add, you know, the fact that they, they had, they were wearing wires.
They had a fucking
camera. They're banging on trash cans. They gave the opposing pitcher a roofie,
whatever the fuck
they would do. I mean, they did everything. I get why they got in trouble. Well,
I mean,
they weren't really cheating. I believe it was, it's now labeled as the
championship was complicated.
You know, the NFL, I mean, the NCAA in football, they're doing so much to
disguise
the signals that the, how the fuck would you know, you know, what's, what's
going on?
You're lucky if you get one or two of them right in the second half. Okay. But
that's considered
cheating. So they fucking punished the, uh, the Michigan Wolverines. And then
meanwhile,
this week, the Michigan Wolverines are going up against the Alabama Crimson Tide.
And guess what
Nick Saban did? Guess what he did? He hired Michigan, Michigan parted ways with
a coach,
a linebacker's coach by the name of George Hilo, or as Kenny Fetter would say,
hello.
They hired one of their fucking ex-coaches. And for some reason who coached
with them in 2021 and
2022. And for some reason that isn't illegal. That's totally fine. Stealing
signs, trying to figure out
what is that slice of pie next to the Fonz? What does that mean? Trying to
figure that shit out.
That's cheating. But you can hire one of their former coaches and just sit down
with them and be like,
all right, so what's their playbook? When they show us this look, what does
that mean?
That's not, let me ask you guys a question. What would you rather be doing?
Would you rather be,
have your team on the fucking sidelines trying to steal signs? Or would you
rather hire the other
team, one of their fucking ex-coaches that as of the beginning of this year was
still working,
or the last season was working with the fucking team? Oh, the hypocrisy.
I don't know, for some reason for that, that's okay. Nick Saban in Alabama,
they're not cheating,
but all those Michigan Wolverines, Jesus Christ, what are they, what are they
doing
to the integrity of the game? Um, so obviously Michigan knows it. So then what
they can do
use to their advantage is they can just show these looks and do something
completely different.
And then you're going to see Nick looking over at George going, what the fuck,
George?
I thought you said that they were going to, they were going to do, you know,
whatever the fuck they talk about there. Um, it's so stupid. Just always know
that whenever,
whenever in football, if you, if you get busted for that shit,
that means you pissed off somebody at one of the higher ups.
And who's kidding who, you know, Jim Harbaugh said something fucked up to
somebody,
shook somebody's hand, you know, squeezed it too tightly, slap somebody on the
back. He,
you know, and they had to fucking readjust their glasses on their own nose. You
know,
he did something like that. That's what I'm guessing because I don't, I don't
get how,
you know, that's not, this should be like a time like, all right, you know, you
want to hire
somebody else's former fucking coach. You know, there's another thing too. It's
not like they
hired him because they liked him and they thought he was a great fucking coach.
They hired him
because he coached Michigan and now they're playing Michigan in the playoffs,
playoffs. That's why he's
hiring him. He's hiring the guy so they can know what Michigan's doing. So he
can basically be in
their fucking locker room, which you're not allowed to do. That's cheating, but
you can hire one of
their fucking coaches just for the sole purpose of doing that. You know what I
mean? They're going
to stick that guy in a fucking Airbnb in Alabama. And the second that game's
over, they're going to
give him some fucking, you know, sauce barbecue with the mayonnaise base and
tell him to hit the
fucking bricks. But that's totally legit. Not a problem. Oh, I got to tell you
something, man. I
went to the Kia, the Kia