Name: Monday Morning Podcast 1-2-24
Uploaded: 2024-01-02T23:53:20.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 1-2-24' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-01-02. Transcript available. Bill rambles about the Rose Bowl, tailgating, and Southwestern Airlines.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 1-2-24' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-01-02. Transcript available. Bill rambles about the Rose Bowl, tailgating, and Southwestern Airlines.

Monday Morning Podcast 1-2-24

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for Monday, January 1st, 2024.
Another year's past. Oh, geez. I'm recording the last day of 2023.
The first 15 minutes is going to be the last day of 2023, and then I'm
recording the rest of this after the Rose Bowl
because I'm going to go see the Michigan Wolverines against the Alabama Crimson
Tide.
I'm really looking forward to that. I know Michigan's going to try to steal
some signals,
but I think Alabama's okay considering they hired their linebackers, Michigan's
linebackers coach,
from 21 and 22 for one month, you know, just to shoot the breeze. We'll see how
that goes.
Now, I am turning over a new leaf. Oh, geez. I am done screaming about the
prevent defense.
I am now just going to, I'm just going to approach it because I've yet to get a
fucking answer.
How anybody can explain to me the purpose. I understand what the purpose is.
The purpose is you give up the middle of the field,
you keep the ball in play, and by the time you get down there, they're going to
run out the clock.
I just, I'm not a math guy. Gee, what a surprise. I'm not a reading guy. I'm
barely a guy. All right?
I don't fucking, in my lifetime, oh, Billy Oldface here, I have seen so much
shit come and go in the NFL
because it just doesn't work. Okay? There used to be a position in the NFL
called the flanker.
I never really knew what he did, but it's gone. Flanker fucking aged out. That
changed.
I remember all the time they'd call double reverses. You never see that anymore.
Statue of Liberty play. You don't fucking see that anymore. All the quarterbacks
were white.
You don't see that. And there was white cornerbacks. They used to be star
running backs
that would get fucking 1,800 yards. You had to get like 1,500 yards if you're
going to fucking win
the rushing title. Right? And everybody, like the whole half the fucking league
had 1,000 yards.
All of that shit. The game changed. The rules changed. And shit that used to
work didn't,
the wishbone offense and college football, nobody fucking runs that anymore.
Maybe, maybe division three team because it just doesn't work anymore.
But the one thing that just stays since the 19 fucking 80s is the prevent
defense.
And I just don't get it. Okay? Now, I'm not going to lose my shit.
I bet on the Cowboys. And the Cowboys won and they covered. Okay?
There was like a minute change left in the fucking game. They're in field goal
position.
It's first down. The Lions have no more timeouts. What do they do? They throw
the fucking ball.
I get it. They're going for the kill shot. They don't get it. It's incomplete.
Second down, incomplete. Stops the clock. Gives the Lions a timeout.
Then they run the ball. Then they kick the ball for a field goal. So now they're
up seven.
Now, they could have run off another 30, 40 fucking seconds. But instead, they
gave the Lions 40-something seconds.
Okay?
They kicked the fucking ball to them.
They've been covering their receivers the whole game.
They've been playing great defense the whole game.
Okay? The fucking score is 20 to 13. They've only scored 13 points.
There's a minute 40-something left.
For whatever fucking reason, they go into this soft zone, whatever the fucking
call it, give them a 15-yard cushion.
Now, I'm not good at math here, but it's 10 yards for a first fucking down.
So every throw was a first down. It was like a 25-yarder, a 10-yarder, a 15-fucking-yarder,
and they go right down the field.
The fucking game was over. Should have been over.
Next thing you know, Joe Buck has gone up another octave going, the Lions are
still in it.
And I'm sitting there like going, what the fuck am I watching right now?
What is the game plan here?
So they let the Lions just waltz down the fucking field.
I will give them this. They did keep them in bounds, as far as I remember.
Then they get into the red zone, and then they decide, now we're going to play
fucking defense.
We're going to give you 60 fucking yards, and now we're going to give you four
shots at the fucking end zone, which they didn't even need.
They threw it underneath, off to the right, and then this kid, Speedy McGillicuddy,
fucking dives into the end zone.
Touchdown.
So now I'm sitting there going, I figure what the fucking spread was that I
have.
It was like three and a half or four, and I am like home alone, like Macaulay
Culkin, screaming at my TV like I'm watching the apocalypse.
I'm like, what in the fuck, what did I just watch?
What the fuck am I watching?
So, then the Rams, the Rams, the Lions, fucking what's-his-face, their coach,
former player, who played on the 0-16 Lions.
He's like, oh, no, motherfucker, we ain't doing that again.
This is the new Lions.
We're going for two.
So, I'm thinking to myself, the only shot I have at winning this bet is if this
motherfucker kicks the extra point, we go into overtime, and somehow the
fucking Cowboys shake off, fucking up the game, score a touchdown, and then I
can win my bet.
And this guy is going for two.
Gotta love that.
He's like, fuck you, Dallas.
I'm going for two.
I know you guys saw this, but I just have to work my way through this again to
fucking believe what I saw.
Fucking, hike the ball, they're scrambling around, blah, blah.
He throws it to an offensive lineman.
Two-point conversion.
Now it's 21-20 with, like, fucking 20 seconds left.
The fucking game is over, unless the Lions go into an 80-yard fucking cushion
and just give them a touchdown, which, at this point, I wouldn't put past
anybody.
And then, all of a sudden, the refs start fucking talking.
Ba-ba-ba-ba-bee-ba-boo.
They say the guy doesn't check in.
And then they have footage of the fucking guy shooting the shit with the
referee.
I guess he wasn't listening to him.
I don't know what he was doing.
He was acting like it was his fucking wife saying what he wanted him to do that
Saturday.
I got it.
I got it.
Yeah, whatever.
So they said the fucking guy was ineligible.
And they have all this footage of the guy talking to the fucking ref.
So now it's 2019.
The Lions, it's back to 2019.
The fucking Lions get a penalty.
I love that I'm laughing about it now.
This is the new me because I had to leave my house because my kids came home
right in the end, of course.
You know, it was like entrapment.
I was fucking cleaned up the house, dad of the fucking year.
And all they hear coming up the house is like, what the fuck are they doing?
Probably worse than that.
So my wife comes in and I get the look, right?
I get the look.
Like if you're in a band and you try to fill and you fuck it up and the rhythm
guitarist, the Malcolm Young, just looks over his shoulder.
And you're like, I'm going to hear about that one, right?
Except this was an F-bomb.
So now they, whatever that penalty is, five yards or whatever.
So now they're back on like their fucking 10-yard line or something like that.
And Lions coach was like, fuck you.
He was like Joe Pesci when he was playing blackjack.
Stick this card up your fucking ass.
Stick that ineligible penalty up your mother's ass.
We're going for it.
I'm like, this guy's a fucking lunatic, right?
He goes for it.
They don't fucking get it.
And I was just like, so not only do Lions not win, I don't fucking cover.
And I'm sitting there going, how in the fuck does he go for it again?
He was literally like a degenerate gambler at a fucking blackjack table at
three in the morning.
Like, fuck it.
I got another grand.
I'm either going to leave with 10 grand or just lose my final fucking thousand
bucks.
I don't understand any of that.
If anybody can explain to me.
How about one of you fucking math nerds?
You not football people that are fucking good with numbers.
Explain to me.
Like, because as far as, honestly, I'm not saying the prevent never works.
But it seems to me what it does is you're basically guaranteeing the other team
is going to go down to the red zone
and get four chances at throwing a touchdown.
So, I know the big controversy was that the linemen, the Lions are saying,
checked in.
He was definitely, I don't know what, as Andrew Themelis hilariously said,
was he asking him how his Christmas was?
He was talking to him.
I don't know what happened.
But that's like the big controversy of the game.
Nobody is saying, why in the fuck, why did you play that soft a defense?
You were acting like Jared Goff was killing you all day and that he had three
Randy Mosses and Tony Gonzalez at fucking tight end to throw to.
I'm not saying they don't have talent in those positions, but like where they
sit there and they'd be like, well, you know, you throw a 50-50 ball.
It could be fucking pass interference.
Yeah, that could happen the whole game.
That could happen the whole fucking game.
It's like all of a sudden everybody gets scared at the end of the game.
It's like your defense was fucking stopping them.
Just keep playing defense.
They have no fucking timeouts.
Okay, let's say they get a couple of first outs.
The fucking clock's going to run out unless you're giving them such giant
chunks of yardage.
I'm just going to sound like a broken record.
I just literally had to get this off of my chest before, you know, I go to the
Rose Bowl tomorrow, which is today when you're listening to this, God willing.
Unless something unfortunate happened to me at the game.
This is my final 11 minutes of podcasting.
Yeah, I got this new thing that when I watch sports and I'm just like, I have
aged out of watching sports.
I'm still going to watch them.
I don't understand them.
And it's happened to me in all sports.
I don't understand why in NBA basketball, the three-second rule also applies to
the offensive player.
He also has to clear out.
Fine, so he has to clear out.
And then I watch a guy dunk on nobody and then scream like he's in 300, like he
just fucking dunked on Moses Malone or something.
Moses isn't there anymore.
Moses is over by the fucking bench waiting to catch an outlet pass so he can
dribble it past the half court line and pull up for a fucking 100-foot three-pointer,
which inexplicably will go in.
That's the one thing I do like about the NBA.
It's the greatest collection of outside shooters ever.
The level, the percentage of shooting is far superior to what it was when I was
watching the game growing up.
But when you dunked on, when you dunked, you had to dunk on somebody.
It wasn't this fucking T-ball shit, right?
Or guys clearing out because they don't want to get on SportsCenter.
And then hockey.
I watched hockey.
2019, after 10 years of getting enforcers out of the league, the Boston Bruins
show up in the finals with a,
in the final with a, with a fucking finesse team, no more Sean Thorntons, no
more fucking Luchiches, right?
And we lose to the Blues who are inexplicably allowed to play old school Boston
Bruins hockey.
And I'm like, what the, this was penalized all year except now when it fucking
counts.
Wait, wait, I mean, hey, God bless St. Louis.
They got it.
I don't understand.
All right.
I don't understand why stealing signs is illegal.
I don't care what technology you're doing.
It's still fucking unbelievably difficult.
And maybe you, you know what they're doing on one or two plays that gives you
competitive edge.
But does that make you win the game?
No.
They're not over there saying what the fuck they're doing.
They're still disguising it.
So it's still an unbelievable skill.
I don't know if you've ever looked at it.
They're covering their lips.
They got all these crazy pictures and everybody's fucking voguing.
How the fuck do you even figure out two plays?
One play.
All right.
But you can hire a former coach just for a month-long contract for him to sit
there and tell bedtime stories about the other team's playbook.
Never definitely, if that is, that is okay.
Um, you can crowd the plate in baseball and you can go up there like you're
going to go, like you're going to medieval times.
Elbow pad, shin pad, fucking a guard around your jaw.
You can hang o