Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Podcast 1-4-24 | Bill Burr
Uploaded: 2024-01-05T02:17:38.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Podcast 1-4-24 | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-01-05. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Podcast 1-4-24 | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-01-05. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Podcast 1-4-24 | Bill Burr

Bon après-midi, monsieur et madame, tous les mons, je suis Guillaume, et c'est
time pour le jeudi, après, lundi, whatever, just before Friday.
Monday morning podcast, what's going on?
How are you? Comment allez-vous?
Sorry, I was practicing my French. He's going again with the French. Here he
goes again.
What's he going to do first, learn French or actually quit cigars?
Je ne sais pas, monsieur.
All right, before we get started, Happy New Year, and I got some information
for you.
My buddy, my homie, the Rose Bowl tailgate legend, Joe Bartnick, is going off
on his first headlining tour.
I'm so proud of the guy. Monday morning podcast listeners, you got to go out
and support this guy.
This guy does the real deal as far as I'm concerned when it comes to stand-up.
If you live in Ohio, O-H-I-O, Columbus, Ohio, home of your scarlet and gray Buckeyes,
Joe Bartnick, January 11th, will be headlining the Funny Bone.
Shout out to Dave Stroop.
January 14th, Joe Bartnick is bringing his new hour to the Stress Factory in
New Jersey.
Shout out to Vinny.
Hey, it fell off the truck.
Brand.
And then on January 26th, January 25th, Philadelphia, don't call it a Philly
cheesesteak, Philadelphia.
It's just a fucking cheesesteak.
He's at the Parks Casino in Philadelphia, January 25th.
You know, go there and check him out.
And then one last thing I have to promote is one of my own dates.
I'm going to be a small part of the Bon Scott tribute concert that Dean Del Rey
puts on.
And I got to tell you, if you're anywhere near L.A., you got to come to this
show.
It's at the Avalon right across the street from Capitol Records, which is a
great selfie, by the way.
Or if you go with somebody else, that's a great picture, legendary place.
January 9th, this Tuesday, we're going to be doing, Dean's putting on this.
It's basically, it's a stand-up show followed by a full-on tribute concert to
ACDC's Bon Scott, the Bon Scott era.
Dean absolutely kills it on main vocals.
And he's going to have all of these rock stars that are his buddies from his
time when he was doing music are going to come down.
And yours truly is going to jam on two ACDC songs.
Not easy songs.
I don't know why I picked them.
But I picked them because I love them.
But they are not easy songs to play.
So it's been a nice challenge for me.
That's going to be this Tuesday at the Avalon.
There's still a few tickets left.
I'm telling you.
The last one we did was, like, literally the day before the pandemic.
And I still get the occasional tweet or Instagram message from fans going, like,
I just want to say that was one of the coolest fucking combination shows.
It's a killer stand-up show followed by an absolutely epic concert.
And it's all pro musicians except for me.
I'm the bathroom break guy.
And it's just fantastic.
So with that, here we are.
Here we are going into the first week.
I am three days, trois jours, into this fucking fast that I went on to just
sort of keep all of my demons at bay.
It's obviously not to lose weight because when you fast, what happens?
You take your muscle.
Muscle burns fat.
You become actually a little more squishy, a little more fleshy there.
But I am not – I'll tell you, the first day of it wasn't bad.
It was just water with lemon and some, like, electrolytes.
It wasn't bad at all.
I don't know.
It just wasn't bad.
But, like, the last two days has been, like, bone broth.
Ugh.
And, you know, everybody buys the chicken because it sort of just tastes like
the end of chicken noodle soup if you heat it up.
But this fucking bone broth, oh, my God.
Drinking bone broth, like, room temperature bone broth, like beef, is like
being in a relationship with someone you never really loved in the first place.
And it's just another fucking day with them.
And you're like, what am I have to get out of this?
Now, as I've stated for years, I am German-Irish, which means I can pretty much
block out 98% of feelings, if need be, in order to survive.
Unless you get to death of a friend, a family member, or literally torture.
Anything else, I'm just like, whatever.
I'll just fucking plow through it.
It's the blessing and the curse of having that blood flowing through my veins.
And I will tell you, this is the only thing I've always done well with, like,
dieting, and I can just do it.
I just get into the whole difficulty of it, and I sort of, and I don't know why,
I just, I actually enjoy it, struggling in the difficult parts of life.
I don't know why.
And when good things are happening, I'm always looking for the other shoe to
drop, in a way.
Like, you know, oh, dude, the crowd's great.
The crowd's great.
And I'm thinking, like, oh, what if I bomb?
And then everybody's like, the crowd was great.
The only person who bombed was Bill, you know?
Or, and then I felt way more pressure when I was coming up.
If somebody said, oh, dude, the crowd's fucking awful, a bunch of meatheads and
shit, I actually would do way better, because there was no pressure.
I'm supposed to do bad.
And so then I would go up there relaxed, and everything you do relaxed is just
better, which I am learning with drums.
I have this new way of practicing, taught to me by the great Dave Elitch.
Rather than, you know, trying to make it happen, just relax.
And I just, rather than, like, trying to play stuff up to tempo, my new thing
is, how relaxed can I play this?
At what tempo does it stop being relaxed?
And fuck that.
Back off.
Drums are supposed to be fun.
They're not supposed to be stressful.
I remember a long time ago, I can't believe I have this story, is I did this
benefit in downtown L.A., and one of the drummers playing on it is one of my
all-time favorites.
Because I just feel, like, he just has the most killer feel, and he's so
creative, and really, with just a four-piece kit, did more with that thing than
a lot of the guys, his contemporaries, were doing with, like, double bass kicks,
and three rack, two floor, and all of these fucking cymbals.
He just got more goddamn music out of it.
The great Steven Adler.
And I went down there, and he's always just, like, got the most positive energy,
and he was saying, and he said, he told me, he goes, make sure you smile.
Don't forget to smile and relax.
And when you watch him play, that's how he plays, and it just sounds so fucking
good.
And I didn't quite understand it, because I was thinking, relax.
It's like I am completely out of my element here.
I need to be between my ears thinking, what am I going to do?
And, like, it was just, I didn't, I still sat down and didn't quite do what he
told me, but then I watched him play.
And taking lessons with Dave was a combination of both of them.
So thank you to both of them.
Then I finally got, it's like, oh, when you play relaxed, it sounds better.
It sounds more powerful.
It has more flow to it or whatever.
So it's something I've been working on, because, you know, I'm off the road.
I'm not on the road right now.
And if I have nothing to do, all of my bullshit catches up with me, and I go
into a depression.
So I need new things.
Because I've kind of put to bed everything that happened to me up until this
point in my life.
But no matter how much you put it to bed, it still happens.
And occasionally, you're going to fucking think about it or just revisit it or
whatever.
And then, as I call it, the fog, the smoke catches up with you.
So then I'm like, oh, maybe I should start learning some French.
Maybe I should take some drum lessons.
Hey, there's a new place to get coffee.
Let me fucking go.
I'm just trying to keep me mentally VFR rather than instrument rates.
Yeah, IFR for you pilots out there.
So anyway, that is what I'm doing.
I am kind of elated that I am at the end of this fast.
And the big thing, if you ever do a fast, is like, by the end of it, like, if
you're out in the country and you see a cow,
you start thinking of just being, doing what a bear would do, which is just
tackle the thing and just start biting meat out of its back.
Like, that's what I feel like with my fucking horse teeth here.
This is what I'm thinking of doing.
I was on Instagram and they had the top 10 places to get a burger.
And I was looking at that shit yesterday, drinking this room temperature beef
bone broth.
And all I was thinking is like, I'm going to all fucking 10 of those places and
I'm getting a burger, maybe, you know, 10 in a row tomorrow.
And that's kind of a really bad way to come out of a fast.
So my buddy was saying, you know, maybe get some avocados, some walnuts, cantaloupe,
just something that's easy to kind of ease your way back in.
And because I had, I went to a birthday party last night and they had steak frites,
they had this pasta, they had, they had some chicken and they had this giant
birthday cake.
And I am just sitting there drinking ice water with lemon.
And, you know, everybody knew, so they were all fucking teasing me.
And one of my buddies was going like, you can just sit here and do this.
It's like, dude, I am about ready to fucking just stick my face in any fucking
plate here.
And I didn't.
And when I left, it's just a great party, just a really good mix of people.
And when I left, I got in my truck and out loud to nobody as I made this
illegal U-turn, I just said, I could eat 10 cheese pizzas.
And I just started laughing because I said it so matter-of-factly and I knew I
wasn't lying.
Now, obviously, I couldn't eat 10 cheese pizzas, but I would definitely be up
for it.
So anyway, I'm going to, I had a really, other than smoking a cigar every
fucking day from July until the end of November,
which was really a massive failure on my part, maybe 15 or 20 days, I didn't.
But I lived a lot healthier last year as far as not eating desserts and shit
like that.
So then something always has to go off the rails.
So my new thing is I think if like once a month I do this three-day fast,
because somewhere through the second day, it's like your rational brain just
takes over
and you start looking at, you can just look at food and other habits like
smoking and all of that objectively.
Like, why would I do that?
Where all of the other times when you're sort of in the throes of it, salt,
sugar, salt, sugar, smoke, smoke, smoke, caffeine,
it's, it's a different version of you that is sort of like a hysterical woman
that needs to be slapped in an old school movie.
Oh, my God.
Can you imagine if you came up with a machine that shook your shoulders and
slapped you across the face like one of those 1950s movies?
Like, for Christ's sake, get a holiest.
Now, for goodness sakes, they didn't curse.
I love that they wouldn't curse, but you could hit a woman.
Get a holiest out.
It was always like one, two, right?
Which Airplane made fun of so hilariously in their movie like 20 years after
those things.
It'd be funny if you had like, you know, like, you know, like those karate
people have like that, that fucking white dude.
It's that same white dude.
He, and what I love about him is he, he doesn't look like somebody you could
beat up.
He definitely looks like he's a strong guy, but he's missing a whole body and
he can't move.
The one that you kick and punch and all of that, or that 49ers fan punches in
the face when he does,
when he's talking about the game, I've seen those clips.
It's hilarious.
If you had one of those, but you added like hands that could grab your
shoulders,
like you adjust it to how wide your shoulders are.
And, you know, when you know that you're going to eat something, smoke
something,
do something you shouldn't fucking do, it just shakes you and goes,
for God's sakes, get a hold of yourself.
And it gives you a forehand and a backhand across the face.
Just to, just to, just to wake you up again.
I don't know.
I don't know if any of this makes sense.
I just like, I need to fucking, I'm ready.
My fast ends at nine o'clock tonight, but I'm just going to go till tomorrow
morning
because I don't want to eat a bunch of shit before I go to bed.
So I'm going to start eating tomorr