Name: Bill Burr-Secret To Success and Bill Maher
Uploaded: 2010-01-13T04:05:39.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr-Secret To Success and Bill Maher' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2010-01-13. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr-Secret To Success and Bill Maher' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2010-01-13. Transcript available.

That the secret to success is basically, I mean I'm sure somebody's already
written a book about this, but I don't read, so I'm feeling like I'm breaking
new ground here.
The secret to success in life is the word yes and the word no.
That is it.
If you want to be a happy person, if somebody says, do you want to do this shit
and you want to do it, say yes.
Yes, I do.
And then if they're like, but do you want to do this shit and you don't, say no
I don't.
Now I know that sounds simple, but it's afterwards that is the hard part.
And I feel is the reason why so many people say yes when they mean no and vice
versa is because basically the fucking reaction of the other person.
You have to just completely block out their reaction.
You know, do you want to do this?
No, I don't.
Usually when you say no, negative, don't want to do it, the other person is
just like, why?
Why don't you want to do it?
I thought it'd be fun.
I thought we could do it together.
I thought it would be enjoyable.
Why don't you want to do it?
Because you asked me and the first fucking thing in me, wherever that voice is
in me said, no, I don't want to do it.
So then I said no.
Right?
I heard what you said and now I am going to fucking speak it out loud to this
other person because they can't hear my inner voice.
No.
The answer is no.
And then they always go, you're ridiculous.
You're just being a jerk.
You're being crazy.
Really?
Is that what my inner voice is a jerk?
You know, how many friends, I want to ask you guys this.
How many friendships in your life do you have right now where you can actually
say, no, I don't want to do that shit.
And the other person is cool with it.
You know, people will give you a little bit of grief.
But you got to be careful because a lot of times, there's a lot of cunts out
there and how they deem somebody a friend is basically that they do everything
that they want them to do.
You know?
And then the second you start going, hey, you know, I really don't feel like
doing that stuff.
Dude, you changed.
What the fuck's with you?
Go fuck yourself.
You're a cunt.
All right?
What do you think?
You're perfect and you always have the best idea?
Go fuck yourself.
I don't want to do what you want to do right now.
You know?
I just got a big goddamn argument because I don't know what the fuck it was
about.
This person was trying to tell me I never want to fucking do anything.
I mean, I never want to do anything.
I want to do my Monday morning podcast.
You saying that's nothing?
Okay?
Because if you are, I'll tell you, I got 18 listeners you have to fucking talk
to, buddy.
Whatever.
That's all I'm saying.
All right?
Somebody asked you if you want to do something.
If you want to do it, say yes.
If you don't want to do it, say no.
Okay?
And fuck their reaction unless they can kick the shit out of you.
At which point you say, yeah, I'd love to.
And then you sort of mutter to yourself the rest of the evening.
And then what you do is on the side, you start taking some martial art classes.
Either that or you call a moving company that can pack up all your shit and
move it to another state.
While other person who can kick the shit out of you is at work.
That's how you do it.
That's how you do it.
Okay?
There's nothing wrong.
I think the word coward is overused.
You know?
And I think it's used by the person who wanted to kick the shit out of you.
But you were smart enough not to be in the vicinity of them to let them.
You didn't let me fucking smash your face into your fucking ear.
You coward.
Well, you know, dude, I listened to my inner voice.
My inner voice did not want my nose over by my ear, so I decided to avoid it.
Yes, you know, you are stronger than me.
You can kick the shit out of me.
Okay?
But, you know, that doesn't mean I'm not better at checkers.
You know?
There's something.
There's a subject you can pick that I'm better at it than you.
But maybe fighting is not one of them.
That's what it always comes down to with guys.
You know?
In the end.
I can beat the fuck out of you.
So, therefore, I'm right.
You know?
Oh, Jesus.
I'm getting deep here.
Isn't that how the world works?
Huh?
Might is right.
Isn't that how everybody's foreign policy works?
You fucking see another country and they have some shit that you want.
So, what do you do?
Do you say, hey, how's it going?
How are you?
Maybe you do that in the beginning just so you can get within fucking striking
distance.
And then you grab them by the front of their button down.
You know?
And you sort of lift them up off the ground so part of their shirt is obscuring
their view.
So they don't see the overhand right coming.
Isn't that what we do?
Isn't it?
I don't fucking know.
You know?
I was watching the Bill Maher show the other day, yesterday, actually.
And at the end of the show, he was giving out these statistics.
And he was saying stuff like, he's basically talking about how fucking stupid
Americans are.
Which, I'm really getting tired of that.
You know?
I'm not saying we're not fucking stupid.
I'm just like, as compared to who?
You know?
I've, you know, I haven't traveled to a lot of places.
But I've been to some places that were not flying the American flag.
And there's just as many fucking morons.
You know?
If everybody's smart, then there's no smart guys.
You're just regular.
You know what I mean?
Jesus, wow, Bill, that was fucking deep.
Fuck you.
What the fuck do you want from me?
I'm just saying.
You know what I mean?
So anyways, he's doing this poll.
I actually really like his show.
One of the things I love about Bill Maher is he's not really likable.
And he doesn't seem to give a fuck.
And, you know?
I mean, yeah.
I mean, is that the kind of person you want to have over for dinner?
Probably not.
But that's a good recipe for getting a lot of pussy in life.
We'll discuss that later.
Plowing ahead here.
So he starts doing all these polls.
And he's sitting there going, you know, 18%.
Only 18% of Americans could name, knew that there was two senators for every
state.
And only 11% could name who they are.
You know?
So immediately that's supposed to make it seem like everybody's dumb.
And my first thought was, okay, 18% can know that you get two senators per
state.
But I bet, you know, a good 28% could explain the cover two defense.
You know?
It just depends on what the fuck you're into.
I like when people are really into something and you're not into it and then
they consider you stupid.
I mean, granted, we are talking about the people who determine how we live our
lives.
Actually, they don't.
That's the illusion.
You know?
It's the fucking bankers.
Okay?
They run everything, man.
I'm telling you.
I'm not going to do that again this week and embarrass myself with my
incredible lack of knowledge.
But, you know, whatever.
I just don't think people are as fucking dumb as...
They're lazy.
You know?
But the way they really just depict people out there.
Like, people are just walking around with their fucking mouths hanging open,
not realizing that they're drooling all over the front of their Kenny Chesney
shirt.
And I don't even know who Kenny Chesney is.
I mean, I know he's a country singer.
Was that the one who was married to that chick whose fucking face squints up
whenever she smiles?
Yeah?
And they were married for like three days.
Bald dude.
Is that who the fuck it is?
Huh?
I don't know.
I can't stand country music.
It's just depressing.
It's depressing and it's geeky.
And everybody sings like they're in puberty.
There you go.
That was nice generalizations, huh?
I'll have a blue...
That shit.
I can't fucking stand that.
And I don't like Redneck's blind pride.
Pride in being an American.
You know?
Because it always involves sticking a boot up somebody's ass or whatever the
fuck it is.
It's just like, why can't you be here and just be happy?
You know?
And watch two fucking farming equipments try to pull in opposite directions.
As you fucking rear your head back and fucking scream at the moon.
There's nothing wrong with that.
There's fucking nothing wrong with that.
Why do you gotta be so goddamn...
Why do you gotta be like me and be angry?
Huh?
You straw-headed cunt.
All right.
Moving on.
So my dog is...
She's in heat right now because she hasn't been fixed.
And, yeah.
It looks like a fucking crime scene around here because she's a female.
And I'm gonna leave it at that.
And she's scheduled to be mutilated later on this month.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Thank you.