Name: Bill Burr - Advice To Guys
Uploaded: 2010-01-14T08:20:21.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice To Guys' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2010-01-14. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice To Guys' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2010-01-14. Transcript available.

You know, that's why stand-up is a great thing.
It's a great fucking thing.
You get to make a complete ass out of yourself, feel like a douche, and then
laugh about it, and then you feel better.
All right, somebody needs advice.
All right, hey Bill, I got a couple questions and comments and stories, blah,
blah.
I went out with this girl last year.
Before I went to the prom with her, it wasn't really a date, but it was just a
chance to go out with her and get to know her before we went to prom.
We ended up having a great time that evening and at the prom.
I proceeded to Facebook her about a week later and asked her if she wanted to
go out again.
She basically said she would like to go out again, but not in a romantic way.
All right, so now you took that emotional kick in the chest.
After hearing this, I backed off and didn't pursue her for a month or so.
In this time, she got a boyfriend, which honestly pissed me the fuck off.
As well, it should have.
I had to talk to her.
I had talked to her for about a week before she went out with this guy, and
when they finally were officially dating,
I told her I didn't want to cause trouble and that I didn't want to bother her.
She replied by saying that she said she didn't want to go out again with me is
because she was confused about how I felt
and seemed when we first went out before prom that I wasn't interested.
Isn't that funny after she said let's just go out and be friends, right?
Didn't she?
Did I already forget the first part of this?
We saw each other maybe two or three times again through birthdays, graduation
parties, until I went off to college and she went back to high school.
I am now a freshman in college and have made no friends on account of my
horrific people skills.
I feel like I should go after college girls, but I can't stop thinking about
the high school girl and feel like she is light years ahead of these big-titted,
shallow college girls.
I also feel like she's the first girl that I ever felt comfortable hanging out
with, although she seems like she would be a hard girl, too, to woo,
as she is really intelligent and I still am unsure if she likes me at all.
I was wondering what you think and if you have any tips on how to really
impress girls besides the cliche confidence or expensive shit.
All right, dude.
You said something back here that really just rang a bell.
Wait a second.
We each two or three.
I am.
Okay.
This sentence right here, dude.
I am now a freshman in college and have made no friends on account of my
horrific people skills.
All right, dude.
That's right there.
That's the money right there.
That's what you need to work on.
All right.
Dude, this girl is still in fucking high school.
You're off at college.
You know what I mean?
You're at college.
You're college.
You're living at college.
That is the ultimate fucking nightclub for the next four years.
It's the greatest nightclub of all fucking time is living at college.
There's just women everywhere.
They're on every fucking floor.
They're in every goddamn class.
You don't have to walk into a nightclub like, hey, baby, what's your sign?
Did somebody steal the lights out of this guy and put them in your eyes?
Right?
You don't have to come up with stupid shit like that.
You have a, you know what?
I always find it's easy to pick up women when you're both, there's a reason
that both of
you are there.
Like at the gym.
You're both there to work out.
You're on a train.
You're both going home.
You know, they don't have their guard up as much as when they go into the
fucking Texas
chainsaw massacre fucking meat locker that is a goddamn nightclub.
All right?
So this is what you need to do.
All right?
I think right now you're saying, like you just said that all, basically all
college girls
are big-titted and shallow.
And I think a lot of it has to do with kind of your hopeless feeling right now
that you
don't know how to talk to people and you don't know how to get things going.
Okay?
That's part of being a freshman.
It's supposed to seem like a bigger universe than you can handle.
But what you need to do is you need to work on your horrific people skills.
All right?
And it is a skill that you can work on.
All right?
Just like catching a football.
I'm never going to be able to catch a football like Jerry Rice, but if I
fucking do it enough
times, I can catch the fucking thing.
Right?
Maybe imitate somebody's end zone dance.
But you're going to get in the game.
So what you need to do is understand that you're kind of putting that girl up
on a pedestal.
You don't really know her, and I think the comfort of kind of already having
your foot
in the door, I bet you were a lot more comfortable.
I bet you were real comfortable with the fact that you were just kind of being
friends
and the pressure was kind of taking off the whole prom and that type of thing.
You know, you're shy, so you take like baby steps.
You know what I mean?
Instead of taking the big step and trying to grab her titty on the first date.
I'm joking.
But you know what I mean.
So this is what I would do if I was you.
Seriously, I'm kind of fucking around here, but I know this is like a serious
subject
for you.
So this is all seriousness.
Just what you got to do is just you got to force yourself out of your shell.
You know?
I mean, if you say hello to a girl, she's not going to punch you in the face or
whatever.
Just really write down on a piece of paper what the humiliation or the fear you
have,
what you think is going to happen.
I'm telling you, a lot of times when you do that and you actually read it, you
realize
how ridiculous it is.
And I'm telling you, they're never going to be better looking than when they're
in college.
All you guys, you're right off the assembly line in Detroit.
Dude, fuck that college girl.
I mean, whatever.
God bless her.
I'm sure she's a nice person.
But you got to get in the game and you got to start crushing ass, as they say
in fucking
old school.
That's what you should be doing there.
And, you know, go out with as many girls as you can.
See what you like.
And mentally be coming up with a list as far as what's the kind of girl you
eventually want
to stay with.
In the meantime, you bang a couple of big-titted, shallow girls.
You always wear a condom.
Unacceptable not to wear one, dude.
It ain't fucking worth it.
And, you know, then you got your stories.
Then you got your fucking stories.
And when you get married, you know, and you go down to the Dunkin' Donuts and
you want
to bang the girl behind the counter.
You know, the temptation won't be as great because you fucked all those big-titted
whores
at college.
All right, so psych yourself up.
Dude, even like, you know, if you got some friends there at school, just be
open about
it.
Go, God damn it, I got no game with girls.
Just say it.
Get it out there.
I got no game with girls.
Come on.
Help me out.
You know, be a wingman.
Do something.
I got to get fucking laid.
Just get it out there.
And I'll tell you, as much as cock-blocking assholes as guys can be, when
someone's open
and honest about it like that, if some guy ever said that to me, there's no
fucking
way I wouldn't try to help him out.
So, you'll be all right.
Plus, it's your first semester, so you're making everything bigger than it is,
all right?
So, there you go.
That's your mission.
Get out of your shell and forget about that girl, okay?
And then, you know what?
After this, you know, your first two semesters, you're going to come home with
a little bit
of swagger.
You might be able to bang that broad there back when she's done with her little
fucking
pottery class.
You never know.
Might come all full circle.
All right, I only got time for a couple more questions, then I got to get going
here.
All right.