Name: Bill Burr - Bombing
Uploaded: 2010-01-15T00:14:56.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Bombing' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2010-01-15. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Bombing' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2010-01-15. Transcript available.

I don't know. You know what? This podcast fucking sucks. I'm going to call it
out before you guys.
This podcast has just sucked this week. All right? I'm all over the fucking
place. I'm
fucking exhausted. It's a goddamn holiday week. You guys, how hard are you
working this week?
You know? Hasn't somebody come in and brought a pie in? Somebody's wearing an
awful brown and
orange Thanksgiving sweater. You know, maybe it's your manager to show that he
has a human side.
You know, isn't that the worst when you hate your fucking boss and then around
the holidays
all of a sudden he just lets up a little bit and tries to act nice. You know?
Or it's a
female. She gets a little bit nicer, you know? And the whole time she's sitting
there wishing
you a happy Thanksgiving. You just want to fucking kick her right in the box.
You know, but you
can't. You fucking can't. Well, that was sad. What the fuck is it? It's one to
one, 15 minutes
left in the third period. You know, one of the hardest things to do, I think,
is to be an
announcer for hockey now that they've taken out the red line. The fucking game,
you break
your neck sitting there watching the fucking game. That's why I like watching
it on TV is
because I don't have to keep turning my head. The camera moves for me. It does
all the work.
I'm literally out of shit to say. You know, I feel like right now, this is how
bad this podcast
is. When you bomb as a comedian, this is how it works. When shit is going great,
when everything
you say is killing when you're on stage, basically what happens is you've done
about 20 minutes
of material and you look down at your watch and your watch says you've been up
there for
55 minutes. That's when you know that you're fucking killing. And conversely,
when you're
bombing, you will do an hour's worth of material in 17 minutes. And all you
have left is your
closing bit and you look down at your watch and you realize that you've been on
stage for
just under 20 minutes. And you're like, wow, now what the fuck am I doing? You
know, your
mouth gets dry. That's when you start going into the crowd. Hey, you know, so
what's there
to do around here in Raleigh, North Carolina, huh? Look at this guy over here,
huh? What do
you do, sir? Oh, you're a plumber. Really? Oh, so I bet your butt crack is
always showing. Fucking kill me. You know, you're just fucked. Hey, how about a
round
of applause for the waitstaff? You know, keep it going for them, you know? And
I just want
to thank all you guys for showing up. I know it's a recession. I appreciate,
you know, how
about a hand for the troops? You know? You know, whether you support going to
war or not,
you know, these kids are out there. They're laying down their lives and they're
away from
their families and Thanksgiving's this week. I think we should all sit back and
give thanks
and be appreciative that I've already done an hour's worth of fucking jokes and
you cunts
haven't laughed at anything. So now I'm technically in overtime, even though
contractually I already,
I owe you like another 40 minutes of fucking comedy. You know? And let's not
forget all the people
who have died in boating accidents this year. You know, a lot of people don't
know that boating
accidents is one of the leading causes of death when human beings are out on
the ocean.
And you start remembering jokes from the early part of your act and you start
telling them,
you know? You know, they did a study the other day. They said, you know, 90% of
shark attacks
actually happen in shallow water. No shit. That's where the people are. It's
called the
fucking beach. Oh! What are the people swimming to Europe? Let's go to France,
you pussies.
Ah, you like that joke? That's a joke from my act in 2001. I'm gonna do fucking
old jokes
for my act. What else did I used to fucking do? I already did one of my
original jokes. You
guys see these rap group Criss Cross? Warm it up, Chris. Warm it up, Chris. Hey,
go to
bed, Chris. What are you like, nine years old? Oh! Oh my God, I had horrible
jokes. These
do jokes about working in a dental office. Hey, people, I got news for you. Six
years of neglect
fact is not cured by a tic-tac in the waiting room. Hey, huh? You guys ready
for your next act?
Too bad. I still got another 30 minutes to do. Ladies, back me up, huh? Guys
are crazy,
right? I mean, you know, we don't give a shit. That's gonna need us searching
for shit to say.
Whatever. But it's great to be here in Raleigh. You know what I mean? You know,
you come out
here to Raleigh, you know, they got a mall. All right, folks, I'm not gonna lie
to you. I'm
out of jokes. I wish you could just do that and just fucking become honest. I'm
out of fucking
material. I don't know what the fuck you guys want from me.