Name: Bill Burr - Advice: Relationships And Breaking Up
Uploaded: 2010-01-18T11:59:20.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: Relationships And Breaking Up' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2010-01-18. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Advice: Relationships And Breaking Up' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2010-01-18. Transcript available.

So check that one out.
Check that one out.
Why don't you?
Alright, that's it.
Let me get on to the advice.
Like I said, I've got to blow through it this week.
I apologize.
Hey Bill, so I was going out with this girl.
She was real cute and real funny, and we had a lot in common.
Dude, this is a fucking weird story here.
He goes, we had gone out four or five times, so I thought I was getting semi-serious.
Then one day she called me and told me we had to cancel a dinner we had planned
for later that week.
She had a legitimate reason, so I was like, just like, alright, fuck it.
Well, just reschedule, no biggie, right?
So later in the week, I call her and get her voicemail and leave her a message
asking if she was free a certain day to have dinner.
She never gets back to me.
So, I wait a few more days and I call her again.
I end up leaving another message.
Fucking nothing.
Never calls me back.
At this point, I wait about a week and call again and leave one more message.
Not a goddamn thing.
What the fuck?
Who does that?
Sorry, I got lost there.
What the fuck?
Who does that?
Fucking at least call me.
Tell me it's over.
Tell me I'm lame.
Say you have to wash your hair or your dog ate your love life, but fucking call.
I've talked to my parents and friends and they have all consoled me and gave me
advice or whatever.
But I needed advice from, I wanted to get some advice from you.
All right.
Well, let's be honest.
She took the easy way out.
You know, she obviously didn't want to see you anymore, obviously.
And yeah, she took the fucking easy way out.
And who's getting who?
Breaking up with somebody is one of the hardest things.
The fear of it.
You know, I saw this thing on Intervention one time where they were talking
about drug addicts.
And they say basically they'll spend 20 years avoiding, you know, 10 days of
pain by continuing to medicate themselves.
Because in their head, the pain of going through getting clean is so fucking
huge that they'll go through 20 years of fucking hell.
You know, and that's what relationships can be like.
Where people get into relationships and they want to break up with someone,
they just don't know how to fucking do it.
And they're just thinking, oh my God, I'm going to break this person's heart.
They're going to cry.
I'm going to feel horrible.
You know, and for guys, what if they start screaming and throwing shit and
charging me, you know, with assault?
Because when they threw a bookcase at me, it bounced off my big forehead and
then hit their big toe, you know?
I know this is going to sound fucked up, but she did you a favor in a way.
She obviously felt that there wasn't the connection to make it long lasting.
And I know she took the coward way out, but at least she figured out a way to
get out of it before she fucking ripped your heart out of your chest.
I mean, I know it probably sucked, but it didn't seem like, you know, you had
been going.
You said you're going out four or five times.
So I thought it was good.
Yeah, so you went out like, you know, four or five times, dude.
I mean, that's some shit.
You can get over that at a keg party.
You know, a couple of fucking plastic 16 ounces.
And you grab the fucking closest Hooters looking chick, you know, or whatever.
Talk a little bit of shit.
You know, she did you a favor, man.
So I don't know how old you are, but this girl sounds like, you guys sound like
you're young.
And when you're young, you really don't know how to do it.
The best way I found to do it, I mean, we actually should have like a fucking
class on that, how to break up with somebody.
First of all, you got to psych yourself up mentally to do it.
And you just have to be like, all right, we're going to talk at two.
And my life is going to suck from about two to possibly four thirty or five.
And I just have to understand that the next three hours of my life is going to
suck.
You know, it's kind of like if you had to fight a kid after school, you're like,
OK, we're fighting around three.
By the time a buddy of mine used to always get into fights, because I used to
be like, dude, how the fuck do you fight like that?
And he goes, I just think in an hour I'm going to be home.
I'm going to be in my bed.
Everything's going to be fine.
It's kind of the same way I look at like, you know, if back in the day when I
do a college gig and they just have me standing in a fucking hallway with no
microphone.
And I'm like, all right, this is going to be absolutely humiliating.
But in an hour from now, I'll have my check and I'll be in my fucking, you know,
Buick Skylark rented from Avis or whatever.
And I'll be fucking driving away from here and it'll just be a funny story.
Who gives a shit?
So that's kind of what you have to do.
And, uh, and you can't leave any, there's no daylight and a great way to stop,
to start is just to say that you're not happy.
You know, I'm not happy.
What do you mean?
I'm just, I'm not happy.
You know, you're a great person.
You can, you know, all of that type of stuff.
I feel horrible, but.
You know, it's not working for me and I have to figure out why.
And I just, this just doesn't feel right anymore.
I mean, you got to, and you just get that out.
And once you get that out, then the fucking tears and all the bullshit comes
and then you just, you fucking, you just got to stand there and take it.
You know, and it's just getting through that first major fucking day of it.
And then you got to have other conversations.
It's fucking brutal.
It's fucking brutal.
So getting back to this, look, you know, you guys sound like you're young and I
just don't think that she has the mental ability to be like, yeah, listen, you
know, we've gone out like four or five times.
I think you're a really nice guy, but I just don't feel like it's going to go
anywhere else.
And who's kidding who?
If she did that, you'd still be just as fucking pissed.
But it is weird when they just disappear off the face of the earth like that.
I've had that, man.
And I had the classic, uh, she's in the shower and her roommate sucked at lying
and was, she's in the shower.
Call back in a half an hour.
And I called back in a half an hour.
Um, she's repairing her credenza.
Call back in 17 minutes.
And I called back in 17 minutes.
Dude, I called.
What a fucking moron.
I must've called like eight times and then they finally stopped answering the
phone.
You know, you ever have that?
Like you're avoiding somebody's call and in like, you're thinking they're
finally not going to call.
And then the phone rings and you literally get that little fucking heart attack
in your chest.
You're almost scared of the goddamn phone.
Um, whatever, dude, she didn't know how to break up with you.
And she did.
And she did you a favor, dude, because she could have stuck with you for
another six months.
And you could have been walking around telling all your friends how much you
love her and how great she is.
And then she dumps you out of fucking nowhere or bangs one of your friends.
And then you gotta carry, you could carry that shit around for eight years.
And you know what you do?
You'd end up, you'd start going out hurting other girls who had nothing to
fucking do with that.
So, in a weird way, consider yourself lucky.
You're out of it.
You know?
Why would you want to waste any more time with someone who's not into it
anyways?
You're absolutely right.
It was fucked up.
She should have called you, but she's just not at that level of maturity.
And, uh, you got a life to lead.
So there's no reason to carry around anymore.
You understand me?
So you go out there, you have a couple of drinks, you talk some shit to some
broads this weekend,
and you put her fucking behind you.
And it's football season.
You know?
Go fire up the fucking grill and forget about her.
All right.
Here we go.
Moving on.
Next one.
Bill.
I watched a couple of your shows and videos.