Name: Bill Burr - Women and Diamonds
Uploaded: 2010-02-16T16:00:25.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Women and Diamonds' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2010-02-16. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Women and Diamonds' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2010-02-16. Transcript available.

me that in and uh with that let's get on with the uh the monday morning podcast
i've already
talked about disease let's get on with some uh some advice uh okay bill i need
some backup on
this okay so i recently got into an argument with a bunch of girls about how
diamonds are pointless
and have no value all right sir before i go any further you are a man of my own
heart that's
exactly what i would be doing yeah why stand there and try to hit on them and
get laid when you can
actually piss them off by attacking something that you know they love what a
fucking great guy you know
if you were a comedian you wouldn't pander to the audience you wouldn't be
going back me up ladies
you'd be like what are you whores doing huh you're all dressed up um anyways
anyways so he gets in this
big argument with these girls that diamonds are pointless and have no value he
goes on to say
obviously i was bombarded with disagreement i tried to explain to them how
almost every other item
purchased has some sort of purpose and value except for diamonds a tv decodes a
signal and projects it
on a screen for hours of entertainment cars get you to work so you can make a
living food keeps you alive
clothes keep you warm even 90 of non-essential items do something to prove
their value except diamonds
but of course they in no way agreed with me i was told that it didn't matter
how much they cost
it was the fact that they make a girl happy i tried to explain that society
forces the idea down guys
throats uh that the must buy that they must buy a girl jewelry in order to show
their girl they love
her complete bullshit i think that if a girl needs something bought for her to
prove her man loves her
she's in a shitty relationship i also tried to explain that guys feel like they
need to buy an expensive
engagement ring in order to make sure the girl says yes also if it isn't good
enough um all the
girlfriends will basically think he's a cheap piece of shit again i was missed
what met with total
disagreement they just disagree with you on that one well maybe you know what
they're actually doing is
is the reason why they would roll your eyes and call you a cheap piece of shit
not because they feel
that is because they're actually jealous that they didn't get a fucking ring
and they they want to
make their girlfriend even though she's a friend feel like she's settling for
less and if they can just
somehow disrupt it it will actually fill up that hole between their fucking
legs god that was mean
all right also if it isn't good enough for all the girlfriends uh piece of shit
sorry again i was met
with total disagreement i leave you with this if you found a rock on the beach
what would you think
um what would you think it was worth nothing unless someone puts a price on it
and then uh oh jesus i was
doing so well reading out loud let me start again i leave you with this i like
this like i climbed up
his mountain and asked him for advice i leave you with this my son and i want
you to meditate on this
before you go forth and live the rest of your day i leave you with this if you
found a rock on the beach
what would you think it was worth nothing unless someone puts a price on it and
then another someone
is stupid enough to pay for it other than that it's just a fucking rock please
give me your input
on this and let me know i'm not the only one who feels like this um i yeah i
totally agree with you
on that of course of course i do and you know something you left out another
major thing about
that is you don't walk down the beach and find a rock okay what you do is you
have some fucking
eight-year-old child in africa and his whole family digging for them half like
with wearing a thong so
they won't steal any of them you know those blood diamonds and if you steal one
they fucking machete
one of your arms off sew you up and make you go back into the fucking mind that's
what you're
supporting that's the greatest argument ever if your girl's pushing for a ring
what you do is you go
out and you rent that movie blood diamond starring leonardo dicaprio and when
she starts pushing you
for a ring just be like you know what i love you to death but i just cannot
support i just cannot
support that industry the children that are forced to go into the mines the
senseless violence to i mean
if i might as well be the guy holding the machete if i go i just can't in good
conscience buy you that
ring just go like that yeah it's fucking ridiculous you know what i mean and i
think it really goes back
to that shit where um yeah women want you to suffer you know what i mean they
want you to go four to
eight grand in debt they want you to do that and go to work every fucking day
no knowing that you're
working for their fucking love and the use of their fucking vagina all right i
know that's very cynical
but you know what the fuck and i'm not saying all broads are like that okay but
a good goddamn majority
of them are and uh i got a good mind to walk up to each and every one of them
and slap the shit out
of them what do you think about that huh that's one of my reoccurring dreams
that i have other than
cleaner oxygen just slap the shit out of them right just get that great open
hand cheek sound you know
you know i normally i would be thinking ah fuck oh what if this gets out nobody's
listened to this
fucking podcast you can't even find it and by the time anybody posts this shit
up on youtube
i'm like ah fuck that was months ago i'm an entirely different person i went to
church
um yeah i think it is um i think it's a really selfish thing um
especially if your guy is not making a lot of money to make him go out and blow
money on a shiny
fucking rock that was dug out of the ground by a fucking eight-year-old
you know just because you're not mature enough as an adult to walk up to all
your other girlfriends
with your engagement ring and making it be something other than a diamond or at
the very least making it
be a diamond that your future husband can afford you know i think most of it
goes beyond half of it is
they want you to suffer you know kiss their fucking feet you know and go to
fucking work
and have to work off this shiny fucking stone and the other half of it is they
want to fucking pull
it out in front of all their friends and you better believe that they want to
make all their fucking
friends jealous okay and the greatest thing they could ever happen is if one of
their friends is
already married is if you go a couple carrots bigger and they can fucking pull
that out that's like their
biggest dick competition is whoever has the shiniest fucking rock you know what
i mean it really is
fucking stupid but uh it is