Name: Bill Burr-Wiccan Handfasting
Uploaded: 2010-03-02T04:14:37.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr-Wiccan Handfasting' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2010-03-02. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr-Wiccan Handfasting' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2010-03-02. Transcript available.

Hey, run out the fucking door.
Run out the fucking door if you're in that situation.
If you're in that situation.
All right, Bill, long-time listener, first-time writer.
I got a wedding story to tell you.
I'm 23 years old.
Another 23-year-old.
Here's one for you.
Don't go to a wedding or get married at 23.
They all seem to have bad stories.
I've been to a few weddings, and let me start by saying in this story,
it wasn't actually a wedding I witnessed.
It was a Wiccan hand-fastening.
Okay, now for those of you not familiar with the Wiccan religion,
I just want to state at this point, neither am I.
I can't remember if that's the one that actually has all those pagan symbols
that, you know, the Catholic Church then said that they were devil signs
according to the fucking Rosetta Stone or whatever that fucking movie was.
I read the book, too.
What the fuck was the name of that?
Da Vinci Code.
Whatever.
It was called a Wiccan hand-fastening,
and I know that because my sister didn't invite people to her wedding,
she invited them to her hand-fastening.
That's why he knew it was a Wiccan hand-fastening and not a wedding
because she said,
I'd like to invite you to my hand-fastening.
Jesus Christ.
He said,
if you're 41 and you still don't know what a hand-fastening is,
congratulations.
Thank you, because I didn't.
So anyways, he goes,
I'm 17 at the time.
My sister's 23 or 24.
We both still lived with our parents.
Her boyfriend,
an unemployed alcoholic living off money his mom left him when she died.
Huh?
There you go, ladies.
There you go.
You don't have to settle for less when there's guys like him out there.
Anyways,
the fuck am I?
Why didn't I make this type bigger?
Jesus, what a flop this podcast is.
So anyways,
so this fucking alcoholic was over for dinner one night.
He tapped his fork on the glass a few times to get everyone's attention.
We were three feet from him,
and immediately my stomach knotted up
because I knew this moron was about to say something stupid.
I gotta admit,
you guys are fucking funny writers, man.
Some really talented people listen to this fucking podcast.
You guys write better than I do.
Anyways,
basically he announced his engagement to my sister
in front of my mom and dad,
pulled out two Onyx rings,
and they put them on each other's middle fingers.
You know,
I went to the Onyx strip club in Houston last night.
How funny is that?
Anyways,
it was dead silent,
and the look of repressed horror on my mom's face was unmistakable.
It was so awkward,
so I just started clapping,
going,
yay,
quietly,
because nobody else joined in.
Oh,
that's great.
Is that your role in the family?
You're the person who always tries to make it better?
God bless you.
Anyways,
it was just dead silence,
and my sister and her boyfriend kissing each other like everything was fine.
A few months later,
I found out they were financing those rings
and going into payments on them every week.
My sister's collecting child support,
and neither of them have a job,
and they are financing Onyx hand-fastening rings.
Jesus Christ.
Jesus Christ.
I can't believe there's more to this story.
All right,
here we go.
Fucking knee deep.
I got to go the rest of the way.
All right,
anyway,
so I finally,
it finally gets to their hand-fastening day,
and they're doing the ceremony right on Newport Beach.
It's in the middle of the day on Sunday in the summer.
They didn't have,
oh,
they didn't reserve a piece of beach or anything.
They just showed up and go,
hey,
let's have the wedding here.
The family we had,
oh,
fuck,
I got to sit close to the damn screen.
I can't read anymore.
The family we have near the beach mostly all showed up.
Oh,
the people who live near the beach mostly showed up.
There were about 30 or 40 of us.
None of us are dressed in beach clothes.
Half of them are in suits and dresses.
There are no chairs.
There's not even an altar.
Everybody's just standing around hot,
and they can't sit down because there's no chairs,
and they don't want to ruin their clothes.
My sister shows up in an all-black gown with a veil.
The boyfriend is wearing like a tux
with his face painted like one of the misfits,
kind of like a skeleton face.
Jesus Christ.
It sounds like the episode of The Office.
Anyways,
they don't do any traditional wedding stuff.
They just go right up front of the crowd
with their Wiccan priest or whatever.
The Wiccan priest is basically just a friend of theirs.
He reads a bunch of stuff from a book
in some other language.
My sister and the boyfriend are responding
in some other language.
Nobody has any idea what's going on.
Then all of a sudden,
the boyfriend pulls out this crazy-looking knife
with a what?
A hilt?
I don't even know what that is.
Uses it to cut my sister's veil,
then pokes the end of it into his finger
until he's bleeding.
He sticks the knife into the sand
and wraps his bloody hand around my sister's neck
while they kiss.
The stoned hippie priest holds up his book
and says something loud in that different language.
I assume it was the equivalent of,
I now pronounce you husband and wife.
I'm sure being a comedian,
you've heard the sound of 50 people gasping simultaneously.
Family members in suits and dresses
are just walking away at this point.
A lifeguard saw what the boyfriend did with the knife,
called the cop,
and the day ended prematurely
with him getting cuffed and driven away
in a police cruiser.
Jesus Christ.
Anyways, thanks for the podcast.
I really enjoy it.
Jesus Christ.
How about a fucking round of applause for that story?
All right.
I think I have to read up on the Wiccan religion.
you know one thing I did like about that I did like the fact that