Name: Bill Burr-Information
Uploaded: 2010-03-09T02:47:29.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr-Information' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2010-03-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr-Information' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2010-03-09. Transcript available.

This last thing I'll read you guys. This guy sent me something about, you know,
I was talking about when you're going to go buy things, and people ask for your
phone number, and all this fucking information, and it fucking creeps me out.
Every time they do that, I just think that they should play the beginning of
that Iron Maiden song, The Prisoner. You remember that from the 80s? Do you
remember how that thing went?
We want information. Information.
You remember this?
Information. Who are you?
The new number two. Who is number one?
You are number six. Most psycho laugh ever.
I am not a number. I am a free man.
Can you imagine if your fucking dad would laugh at you like that back in the
day?
Be like, son, how many beers did you have tonight? You're just like, I just had
two.
All right, and he just fucking, all of a sudden the lights start dimming, it's
going to be over.
So anyways, this fucking guy, did that make any sense, by the way? I don't know.
I'm fucking sitting here with one microphone, no headphones in a fucking hotel
room.
This is what you get.
All right.
So this guy said, Bill, can you believe how much fucking information people are
willing to give away for no, to strangers for no reason?
He goes, I got my hair cut the other day, and the first thing they say to me
before hello, or what can I do for you is, the first thing out of the gate is,
what's your phone number?
So I say, why do you need my phone number?
She says, so we know who you are when you come in.
Which is bullshit, because they don't know you when you come in.
They still have to ask what your goddamn number is.
See, you got to love someone who actually fucking uses their brain.
So anyway, she goes, he says, I don't want to give you my number.
So then she scoffs in his face and says, we don't send the information out to
anyone.
It's just to keep track of you here.
That's it.
And then she says, then, okay, then the guy says, the guy wrote this really
badly here.
So then I guess he responds to, that doesn't make me feel any better.
You don't need my phone number to cut my hair.
Then this slag does this fine whatever that sounded exactly like your
exaggerated impression of a dumb broad.
Then she goes, how about your address?
Dude, this is fucking, you know what?
All these corporations are sharing this information to figure out exactly what
you buy, when you buy it,
what you like the best, so they can just fucking, I don't know what.
You know?
Jack the prices of this shit up.
So anyways, she goes, how about your address?
And the guy goes, what are you going to do?
Drop the haircut off at my house?
Just cut my fucking hair.
Now there's three people in line behind me in this worthless tub of cum.
Jesus.
Leans around me and says, I guess to the people behind him, sorry, this takes
longer when they,
then he writes they, you know, don't give any information.
And then he says sarcastically, oh, I see.
I'm the one complicating this transaction.
And it's not even her fault.
It's her, oh, and it's not even her fault.
It's her corporate creep bosses and all the fucking sheep that let people do
whatever they want.
Sorry, this is so long.
Well, you should apologize to my listeners because they had to listen to me
read it.
Yeah, man, don't give those people your fucking phone numbers.
Don't give them your address.
I do that.
Can we get your phone number?
No, you can't.
We're not going to do anything with it.
That's fine.
That's fine.
I know you're not going to do anything with it.
I don't want you to have my phone number.
What, are you going to call me up and see how my fucking haircut's going?
Is it still short?
And you think you need an adjustment?
Did I tell you that story?
But when I went into CVS and that guy who looked with the Pee Wee Herman
haircut, there
was two foreigners in front of me.
They barely spoke English.
And he asked if they wanted one of those savey save cards.
And they said no.
And he goes, that's all right.
I'll just scan one anyways.
And he scans it.
So I walk up and I'm ready for this guy.
He goes, do you have our little savey save card?
And I say, no, I don't.
And he goes, well, I'll just scan it anyways.
And I go, no, I don't want you to.
And then he scanned it.
And I said, excuse me, what did I just say to you?
I just said I don't want that.
And you scanned it anyways.
Why did you just do that?
And he goes, it's all right.
I'll unscan it.
I'll unscan it.
And I go, what do you get?
Like half a cent for every person that you get, you know, that you get on the
fucking list there?
And he goes, no, I don't.
It's like, really?
Is that why you can't make eye contact with me?
You fucking piece of shit.
He probably didn't even unscan the goddamn thing.
You know, I don't understand people who help out corporations.
I just don't.
Have they done anything to demonstrate that they give a flying fuck about you
or the drinking water in your town?
Don't help those cunts.
I mean, you can if you want to.
But that's, I would just, I think it would be a better world if these fucking
pricks didn't know every goddamn thing about you.
You know, pretty soon you're going to walk in there and they're going to
fucking ask if you can put a, if they can just bug you.
Like Gene Hackman in the conversation, right?
All right, dude.
I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about.
You know what?
I'm going to go down and listen to this lady singer songs so I don't have to
think.
There's a nice little crowd down there.
There's got to be at least 26 people down there, which I think in downtown San
Jose actually constitutes a mob.
Maybe somebody will get tased and shot in the abdomen.
I don't know what.
All right, that's the podcast for this week.
Thank you guys so much for listening.
I am currently revamping my website and I hope that everything's going to be up
to speed.
I recently went over 10,000 people on my mailing list, so I'm really excited
about that.
And if you want to know what's going on, you know, especially if you see, you
know, when I switched over to Lipsyn with the podcast and all that fucking shit.
If you were out of the loop, it's because you weren't on my mailing list.
I'm not sure.
You know, how funny is this?
How funny is this?
How fucking hypocritical am I?
I just said don't give your phone number out to these cunts and now here I am
asking for your web address.
I really did.
Why do you people listen to this?
I'm an idiot.
All right, I'll talk to you next week.