Name: Bill Burr - Hero
Uploaded: 2010-04-27T15:20:11.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Hero' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2010-04-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Hero' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2010-04-27. Transcript available.

the next thing oh here's a great story for you brian you might like this do you
know i was a
hero this week i was actually i did something heroic i have never i have never
done anything
heroic in my life okay and believe me i've walked by house fires and saw people
screaming saying
there's a ladder right there just put it up and i walked away i walked away
pretended like i didn't
hear him i'm that kind of a fucking guy um no this is the deal it was uh sunday
and you know people go
to brunch on sunday i'm like all right fuck it i'll go to brunch i'll go to
brunch right remember
that bit huh pays 18 dollars as best is what is that asbestos how did that bit
go is that i thought
it was pesto it's asparagus i can't remember so we go to brunch and uh you know
it's the usual shit do
you want to sit inside you want to sit out outside as a redhead i'm always
going inside let's fucking
sit inside i got enough freckles i've had enough fucking pain in my life please
let's sit inside
but you know i'm always with broads because they always want to go to brunch
let's sit outside it's
so nice it's always fucking nice when they go to brunch it's never raining is
it right so all right
let's sit outside so we sit outside and because i'm the gentleman i have to sit
with my back to the
road so i can brace you know and protect my girlfriend and her mom in case a
bread truck comes flying in
because the guy's text messaging or something right so i'm sitting there and uh
all of a sudden i just
feel it i just feel like something's fucking wrong and something my caveman dna
like when you're getting
stalked by a saber-toothed tiger just kicks in and something just tells me to
fucking look left and i look
left and here comes this crazy fucking lady and i'm talking crazy i'm talking
shutter island you remember
that chick that shushed leonardo dicaprio is that the second leonardo dicaprio
fucking reference there
you go you remember that chick who shushed him in shutter island that's what
this girl looked like except
with sort of brownish red hair okay it's basically one of these people who
should be getting professional
help is straight up bat shit crazy and uh this just this state is bankrupt so
they just let him go
they just let these fucking people go you don't see sarah mclaughlin whining
about these people
come out and rescue these fucking these people who are talking to telephone
poles it's all about the
dogs with her her priorities are so fucked up it's ridiculous i hope she sees
this i am so disappointed
in you sarah mclaughlin huh when are you gonna grow up and stop whining about
those little pussy ass
fucking dogs all right that was mean all right let's get back to it so she
starts coming down the street
and she's like she looks like she's gonna start fucking crying okay like and it's
just one of those
things you know you just feel this fucking person's gonna do something and i
have a feeling
they're gonna do it to me so i i'm i'm working out my shit i'm like fortunately
the chairs were these
really light wicker sort of kind of douchey brunchy chairs so i was just gonna
grab the
fucking chair and i was gonna smash her in the face if i didn't have time or if
i had time i was
gonna leap to my feet on my bad fucking foot and out like a lion tamer ah get
back crazy person right
start whipping her with the fucking tulips on the nice beautiful brunch table
that's what i was gonna
do so she doesn't lunge at me but she walks by me there's that awful moment the
blind spot
you know what i mean where she's not to my left she's not to my right she's
right behind me
and she fucking goes by me and i'm like thank god like i was seriously fucking
nervous
and i look left again just as you know i don't know why i look left again and
then i see this
fucking sad looking woman slowly following the crazy person with this look on
her face like she had been
wronged i didn't next thing i know next thing i fucking know she's talking to
the table next to
us and talking to us talking about how that crazy woman had just walked up to
her reached up to her
sweater and just fucking ripped i don't know she had a brooch she just fucking
took it off her chest and
walked away with it and i'm looking at the lady and she has the lady and she
has this fucking hole
in her sweater where something had clearly been ripped off and for the life of
me i don't know why
i immediately just got up i don't know why i have no fucking idea why i don't
what the
fuck i don't do this shit i get up and now i'm going down the street following
the shutter island lady
with no training whatsoever in this situation i'm literally walking and now i
couldn't sit down
i couldn't get sit down like i i have this this fucking lee marvin i'm gonna i'm
gonna make
shit right moment and then i go you know what maybe i'll sit down i look at the
biggest pussy ever
and not only my girlfriend and my mother's there so i had to keep going so now
i'm following this girl
and i'm literally i'm fine i've never been so fucking nervous in my life
because it would have
been bad enough if it was like a crazy dude a crazy guy is scary but at least
you know if if if it gets
physical i mean what are the rules in that do you know brian what you know you
can't hit a woman but
what if she's crazy and she just stole a brooch how about a jab just gonna get
her mitt in the face like larry holmes
so she doesn't see the overhand right gun anyways i don't know what to do so
but i can't go back to the table
where i'm gonna look like a bitch in front of my girlfriend and my mom so i'm
like fuck why did i get up
why did i get up why didn't i just why didn't i say sit inside i wanted to sit
inside but i didn't
want to seem like a rude prick in front of my girlfriend's mom like i tell her
what to do like
she's this kept fucking woman so now i'm in this situation so i'm walking down
the street
and this is what i do she's on the sidewalk i'm literally in the street okay i'm
like is that
circumnavigation i'm doing some police shit where i'm staying outside of
whatever she can throw at
me scratching it's one of these people you got to get like a tetanus shot if
you roll around
the ground or hepatitis or some shit so i'm like what am i gonna do what do i
do so i don't
know what happened i just said i i basically i just started going hey uh hey
sweetheart
hey sweetie i i basically i think i started calling her affectionate names from
like the 1940s
hey uh fucking tall drink of water and i finally got her attention and she
turns around and looks
at me with this crazy look with tears in her eyes and i just say uh i i i think
you have something that
doesn't belong to you and meanwhile there's a fucking pathetic lady who just
let her walk up
to her to begin with it's like he didn't see that she was crazy that's why i'm
in this situation right
she fucking she ends up walking up to the girl and the when i said i think you
have something that
doesn't belong to you she just sort of looked at me like in slow motion lifted
up her left arm and
she had this green pea soup looking sweater on and she had the brooch pinned to
like just
right around her wrist and she just held it up so at this point i'm like i'm
not touching this bitch
so i let the the the victim lady with the sad puppy dog eyes she comes in and i'm
basically sitting
there like an nhl ref with respect for two goons that are about ready to go at
it right and i'm just
gonna jump in when i see that i can jump in to stop this this fight that's
gonna happen without getting
hit myself and uh so anyways the lady starts unpinning the brooch and the whole
time she's she
basically followed my lead by being nice she just kept going thank you i really
appreciate it i really
appreciate this and she couldn't get the fucking thing off it was like one of
those action movies
where like the clock's going down for the bomb and i'm sitting there going lady
in my head i'm like
would you get that fucking brooch off this crazy bitch's arm and i just kept
looking at her right
hand because i knew at some point she was either going to gouge her eye out
just do some crazy
shit right like you know that the scrap metal that these people put pick up and
floss their teeth
which she was just going to stick her right in the jugular so finally long
story short she gets the
fucking brooch off and then we we back away it was like a exchange like we like
we gave some money
briefcase and we got the abducted kid back and we fucking walk away and i'm
like oh
fuck thank god thank god that worked out actually walked back to the to the
brunch all right walk
back to the brunch and i got a fucking applause break from like all these
people eating eggs benedict
and eggs florentine it was fucking awesome i was a goddamn hero this week
people
a scared nervous fucking hero dude i'll tell you brian i didn't come within
seven feet of this woman