Name: Bill Burr&Nia-Best way to Break Up Pt 1
Uploaded: 2010-05-25T12:45:57.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr&Nia-Best way to Break Up Pt 1' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2010-05-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr&Nia-Best way to Break Up Pt 1' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2010-05-25. Transcript available.

sent me this email here
that was inspired by the fact
I was talking about this shit.
And here we go.
Ask Bill.
Bill, I am currently engaged,
but I'm kind of over it.
Oh, Jesus.
Wow.
Let me read that again.
Let's all just take a deep breath
and let's take that take
when it's time to change.
Let's take that one in again.
I am Bill.
I am currently engaged,
but I'm kind of over it.
You know what?
I might need the help
of a female on this one.
Hey, Nia.
Nino.
Nino.
You want to help me on this one?
I got a relationship question.
You ever get the feeling
your girlfriend's mad at you
and you haven't even done anything?
I think I just heard an exhale.
What's that?
You can't talk
because of your voice
you're making lunch?
Oh, okay.
Okay.
Yeah, I'm recording right now.
Yeah, and you hit me
with this attitude.
I'm sorry.
She...
How?
What do I want?
I just had a...
Jesus, this is getting
really awkward.
Yeah, all right.
My girlfriend's under the weather
and I actually forgot.
She told me she was under the weather
like 20 minutes ago
and that's how self-absorbed I am.
Cleo, get down.
All right.
Just listen to this, okay?
Because I think I also need
like female help on this one.
Could you take your hands
off your hips
and stop staring at me like that?
Come on.
Do you not want to do this?
If you don't want to do it...
Okay, okay.
Bill,
I am currently engaged
but I'm kind of over it.
She just laughed.
Huh?
This is a female.
This is why I have you in here.
Can you just talk to the people
with your voice here?
Hi, how are you?
You sound like Demi Moore.
I like that.
You know what?
I already talked about
Andrew McCartney, right?
Brought up Rob Lowe.
I got the whole bread pack here.
Why don't you...
You don't trust me.
You got to look on your face
like you're not trusting me.
Like I'm going to make you look stupid.
I'm not.
I generally want your help on this.
It's a low-budget podcast.
We only have one microphone.
All right.
I'm currently engaged
but I'm kind of over it.
I love him
but our relationship
isn't working anymore.
I keep making excuses
like my schedule has changed.
I'm working and going to school
so I'm just stressed,
et cetera,
et cetera
but honestly,
the excuses aren't working anymore.
I want us to get back
to when we were having fun
and sex
and not arguing.
He gets frustrated with me
when I don't want to cuddle
with him at night
or fuck him at 4 a.m.
When I have to get up
at 7 in the morning
to go to work
then come home at 5
and cook him dinner
and get to sleep by 11
and then she writes,
okay, pause
in the email.
Why does he want to fuck
or cuddle
at 4 a.m.
when I'm sleeping?
Is this like a guy thing?
I don't understand
what he's thinking.
This is my argument.
It's 4 in the morning.
Number 2,
he's half asleep
which means I'll have to wake up
and get on top
and do all the work.
What the fuck?
Number 3,
if I don't sleep
I'll be cranky in the morning
then he'll be mad at me
because I'm being a total bitch
and 4,
I like being alone.
I love sleeping by myself.
Granted,
in the beginning
it was fun to sleep next to him
but now I want my own bed back.
I don't understand
what it is
that he's thinking.
Okay,
continuing.
I guess she was digressing here.
I'm almost done here.
All right?
Are you enjoying this here?
Okay,
she's shaking it in.
She's got a very serious look
in her face.
This is why I brought her in.
An expert.
This is like Oprah.
Our relationship expert.
Okay,
here we go.
We are planning to move in together
but it's not a good idea
because I'm not really
in the relationship anymore.
I'd rather be alone.
In addition,
is there an axe murderer outside?
In addition,
I just really realized
that that was
This is Chainsaw Massacre.
Yeah.
All right.
In addition,
come close to the mic, sweetie.
Here we go.
Sit down.
Take a load off.
You're not feeling well.
In addition,
he's the first man
I've ever had sex with.
Don't read this
because you read way faster than me.
Just listen to the soothing tones
of my awful voice.
You just snorted when you laughed.
That's adorable.
She's the first.
He's the only person
she's ever had sex with.
Yeah.
Now, don't comment yet.
Okay?
We're building it up.
We got the listeners riveted
at this point.
Okay?
Someone's being hacked
to death outside.
In addition,
he's the first man
I've ever had sex with.
I am faithful to him
but when we have
days like these,
I think,
is this really
as good as it gets?
I'm sure he's thinking
the same thing
when I'm being an asshole.
That's the femur
right there.
You really got to give
the chainsaw
a full fucking force there.
Oh, they're taking out
that tree over there.
Okay.
Yeah, the sick tree.
We had a sick tree.
The tree had AIDS
on our block
and just keeled over.
It was very sad.
We stood out there
with candles.
It had tree AIDS.
It had AIDS.
It was HIV positive.
Don't make light of AIDS.
I'm not making light of AIDS.
Are you, Jim Norton?
I'm making...
Jesus!
Jesus!
I don't know
who to get more offended
that you're trashing Jim Norton
or you're saying
that I'm ripping him off.
You do not?
Why is my voice cracking?
You do not?
All right, let's get back to this.
I don't know.
I could totally be seeing this
from a fucked up spot.
Actually, I think I am
because he's great.
Now she's going back this way.
She must have her period this week.
She's all over the map.
Ow!
Did you really have to punch me
right fucking there?
All right.
He gives me whatever I want
and as far as material things go.
Typical broad.
He buys me stuff.
He's great.
I don't want to fuck him anymore
but look at all this stuff!
He listens to me.
I'm taking this one seriously
because I think this girl
is in a serious situation here.
That's why I keep saying serious
as many times as I can
in the sentence.
Seriously.
He listens to me
whenever I whine
and he has conversations with me
that show me life
from a different perspective
and he's willing to work
at our relationship
and is committed to me.
Those are the things
that I love about him.
Right?
Right?