Name: Bill Burr & Nia - MMPC 07-05-10 Part 1
Uploaded: 2010-07-06T11:58:31.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Nia - MMPC 07-05-10 Part 1' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2010-07-06. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Nia - MMPC 07-05-10 Part 1' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2010-07-06. Transcript available.

When I went to go shopping yesterday, you know, which is one of the great
activities you can do with your girlfriend when you need new clothes.
I mean, if you ever just want to watch your girl's face, just light up.
Just say that to her.
Hey, sweetheart, you want to go shopping?
Oh, my God.
He finally gets me.
He gets who I am.
I would love to go.
So we go over to the fucking mall and I'm like, all right, I need to buy some
clothes, some barbecue clothes, some clothes.
That I can wear hanging out of barbecue so I won't get trashed at this fucking
barbecue because there's going to be a bunch of comedians there.
I'd already get a bunch of shit if there was a bunch of pipe fitters down there
or whatever.
They would already be breaking balls.
So I got to go down there.
I got to be looking all right.
So we go to the mall and she takes me into Target or is the women call it
Target.
That's the little fucking, oh, my God, we're being frisky joke.
And this is the amazing thing about women is women can go into a Target and
find something and make it work as they say.
God, I can't believe I know that fucking expression.
OK, I'm really going to have to bring up my excuse here.
My girl watches that fashion show.
And I actually am aware of that guy with the glasses who goes make it work.
And this is basically how it works.
My girl watches those reality shows.
And I might even bring her in here.
Hey, Nia, you want to come in on the podcast?
All right.
All right.
Nia's coming in on the podcast, everybody.
I'm going to explain basically how it works when I – the lovely Nia,
everybody.
I was actually – I was talking about how when I needed some new barbecue
clothes that you took me to Target.
And I was beginning to say that Target – like there's something about women
that you can go into a Target and actually whatever you find, you can make it
work.
And then I realized that that was the saying of that.
Tim Gunn.
Yes.
So now I'm feeling like –
Make it work.
Yeah.
Like people can be like, you actually watch those shows.
How long do I last when I watch those reality shows with you?
About five minutes before I kick you out.
Kick me out.
Why?
Because you act like a dick.
What do you mean I don't act like a dick?
You do act like a dick.
I start trashing the people on the show.
Yeah.
Well, you make little jokes and stuff and it's funny.
And then you get annoying and you hinder my ability to enjoy it.
So I kick you out.
All right.
I want to defend my thing.
So she brings me into Target to go – what's that?
I thought we were going in there for you to find workout clothes.
Yeah, workout clothes.
Which –
So she brings me into the corner of the store and she shows me these fucking
–
I didn't even know Champions still made workout clothes.
And they've since changed their logo.
And she's like, huh?
Look at these.
You like these workout clothes?
And it literally looked like the kind of shit you'd wear, like, you know, when
you get arrested for something.
And then seven years later when they let you out of jail, they give you your
clothes back.
That's what the fuck it looked like.
Those old basketball shorts.
Yeah.
And I said – yeah.
And they're also like that Jordan level where it's all the way down to your
calves still.
They don't realize that it's actually – they found a happy medium between the
Larry Bird's and the Michael Jordan.
And the Jordan.
Yeah, which is a little bit above the knee.
Right.
And so what did I do?
I went in there and I said – I was in there for like three seconds.
I'm like, yeah, I'm not buying any shit here.
It was really irritating.
And you got fucking mad at me.
Because, Bill, whenever we go shopping together and I have suggestions or
whatever, you just walk in, look for not even three seconds.
You're being very generous to yourself.
You walk in and you're like, I'm not fucking doing this.
You don't even look.
You don't even take the time.
I was right.
But I was right.
They had tank tops next to like dickies.
So?
They had like – yeah.
Like, what, are we going to snake out a fucking toilet and then go play some
hoop?
It's not for men.
Target is not for men.
I don't think so.
I see a lot of guys in there getting stuff.
No, they're buying can openers and beer glasses.
That's what the fuck they're getting.
What are they going to buy, slacks?
They had lots of – slacks.
They had lots of T-shirts and stuff that you could have gotten.
You know?
Oh, yeah.
I could have got some sneakers in there too with the Velcro fucking snap things
over the front.
They're workout clothes.
As if to say, you know, I lost part of my foot in a boating accident.
They don't need to be that expensive if it's workout clothes.
Of course, you want to look nice, but you don't have to spend a ton of money on
– I don't know.
I don't believe in that unless you're a fucking tennis player.
If I were a tennis player, I would want cute tennis outfits.
But if it's just me in here doing my stupid Jillian Michaels workout,
I don't know.
What's just my thing?
Look, how the fuck did me going into getting some shit for going to a barbecue
slash some new workout clothes go to me wanting to buy a cute tennis outfit?
I didn't realize that this was supposed to be an outfit that transitioned you
from the gym to the gym to the barbecue.
I didn't realize that that was what it was.
I brought you in here to try to save face because I said make it work.
And now I'm just further into the muck by – all right, that's it, people.
I had to go to a barbecue, and I went to the mall, and I bought a cute outfit.
You did buy a cute outfit.
You looked really nice yesterday.
Yes, I did.
I looked respectable.
Although I did the classic old guy thing where I had the brand-new sneakers and
the older socks.
You know what's funny is that when you were putting them on, for half a second,
I wanted to suggest that you wear socks that were a little bit lower so that
you wouldn't see so much of the sock.
They were ankle level.
I know, but you could have gotten them, like, a little bit lower.
So, I don't know.
Oh, and have that little ball on the back of them?
When did those become guy socks?
Those Chris Everett Lloyds?
But they're just the low socks.
You see more of the sneaker and not so much of the sock.
I got to be honest with you and ask – I don't know.
Have people write in about this.
I feel like when you wear shorts, sneakers, and socks, if there's too much
socks showing, it gets a little, I don't know, dorky.
Oh, Jesus.
You know, this is classy.
So, you basically – I'm the guy you love, and you let me walk around this
barbecue yesterday looking like a douche.
Is this your own way to keep the women's away from me?
Is that what you were doing?
A, you didn't look like a douche.
You looked really good.
And B, any time – well, I don't know if we should get into this, but –
Why?
Why not?
What, are we going to have an argument on here?
Do you think these people give a shit about us?
We're trying to fill up an hour of their day.
I think they do give a shit about us.
They're at work right now.
You know how mad they are that they have to work July 5th,
and the company across the street has a cool boss, and they're actually closed?
What is the problem?
No, I just, you know, if I were to make a suggestion like that, you'd be like,
Neil, what the fuck am I supposed to wear?
Is that what I sound like to you?
Well, I remember making a suggestion yesterday, and that didn't work out too
good either.
That's why I didn't want to bring it up.
Oh, you don't want to talk about that?
No, I don't.
You don't want to talk about the fact that I said your dress was a little linty?
No, I don't.
Your dress was a little linty.
Yes, and we came, and after a whole argument, I came home, and I changed.
And this is the hardest, like, help guys out here.
Yeah, but you know what the hardest fucking thing is when, is when...
He's standing up now.
I'm standing up now because I want to make a point here, is it had nothing to
do with you.
I was just, I was, you know, I was like, you know, the dress had been worn just
a little bit too long.
It was just one of those ones you throw over.
Look at me.
I'm already getting nervous trying to explain to you.
And I said, I'll buy you another one.
And then the next thing you know, there was just like a fucking, there was the
meltdown in the mall.
I was upset, and I started crying.
Started crying in the mall on the birthday of our country.
I don't give a shit about the birthday of this country.
Wow.
I don't.
Sorry, everyone.
Wow.
I'm African American.
There's still a little annoyance there, so I'm not exactly...
Yeah, America's freedom.
Fuck you.
You had to take it all the way to there?
I'm allowed to be still a little annoyed.
Anyway.
Wait a minute.
This isn't about that.
Oh, my God.
Do you realize the emails they're going to get, well, why don't you go the fuck
back to fucking Africa?
They should say it.
Go ahead.
Let them.
Get it all out there.
I know.
There you go, Mel Gibson.
Get it all out there.
Yeah, let's not mince words here.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
You know, I try to keep it light, and you just went Fox News on me.
You just went Fox News on me.
Or whatever.
No, actually, no.
Ultra-liberal.
That's going to come back to haunt me if I become a successful actress that
this is going to be played.
On some sort of website.
Nia Renee hates this country.
That's not what I'm saying.
But anyway.
What are you saying?
I'm just saying that, you know.
Wait a second.
When people celebrate Fourth of July, are they really, like, eating their
barbecue and drinking their beer, thinking about this country and our forefathers?
And would it really?
No, they're not.
They're just like, yay.
Most of them aren't.
I don't have work tomorrow, and I get to get drunk.
Yeah, most of them aren't.
They send stupid text messages telling people, happy Fourth of July.
Like, it's Christmas.
No one cares.
I don't think.
Oh.
Your popularity, Nia, was through the roof on this podcast.
Yeah.
And now, you know what's funny was-
I'm taking your listeners on a journey, up and down.
You know what?
An emotional rollercoaster.
That's what-
That's exactly what Mel Gibson just said.
I just watched that thing, and he just said that.
No.
No, he didn't.
He just said that shit.
No.
Where this fucking passive-aggressive douchebag.