Name: Bill Burr World Cup Soccer
Uploaded: 2010-07-14T16:31:45.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr World Cup Soccer' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2010-07-14. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr World Cup Soccer' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2010-07-14. Transcript available.

Big week this week in sports.
It's actually, what time is it right now?
It's 10.43, and this is the funny thing.
In 17 minutes, the World Cup final is starting,
which is basically the championship,
one of the true championships of the world.
It's the entire world competes for it.
And as big a fucking sports fan as I am,
I could give a shit.
The only thing that I would find less interesting
than the World Cup final
was the LeBron James hour-long press conference
to announce what team he's going to fucking go to.
You know, that's actually bullshit.
I totally respect the game of soccer.
It just, it fucking bores the shit out of me.
And we have a number of soccer fans on here,
and they send me emails, and they get mad at me.
They say, it says, dear Bill,
dude, until you have a better understanding of the game,
you got to stop ragging on soccer.
Find someone that knows a little bit about the game
and take some fucking time
and watch a couple of games, dude.
Watch the World Cup finals!
Exclamation point.
What, because you fucking say so?
Do you realize that if you added up
everyone that watched the NFL, the NBA,
the NHL, and MLB,
you would only have about half as many people
that watch soccer?
Dude, do you realize that I'm not so fucking stupid
that I don't realize that you just pulled that stat
out of your ass?
Give me some numbers.
You didn't.
You said you would have about half as many,
about, really?
Yeah, you're going to guesstimate there?
Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Bill.
Thanks, dude.
All right.
This is the deal.
All right.
I'm so sick of these fucking soccer cunts
trying to convince me
that it's an exciting sport.
Do you think that I haven't sat down
and watched it?
Earlier this year,
when I watched the Olympics,
I got into curling.
I was watching the cross-country skiing
where you shoot the gun.
I'm very open-minded
when it comes to sports, okay?
But to sit there
and kill two,
three fucking hours of my day
to watch a zero-to-zero fucking game
and watching these guys flop around
like a bunch of goddamn Pau Gasols
every 10 fucking minutes,
it's...
I tried, dude.
I tried.
And just because the whole fucking world
is watching this sport
doesn't mean that I should.
All right?
The whole world was wearing acid-washed jeans
in the late fucking 80s.
I followed that trend
and I got the embarrassing goddamn pictures
to prove it.
Where the fuck did that get me?
You know what I like about soccer?
I like the highlights.
The highlights, you know,
and they show it in slow motion.
Absolutely gorgeous sport to watch.
But to sit there
for fucking two hours
listening to those goddamn mosquito horns,
you're really asking too much.
All right, everybody flopping around
like a bunch of goddamn fucking girls.
Get off the goddamn ground,
fucking pussies.
The guy doesn't even touch you
and you flop around on the ground.
It's so effeminate.
That's what I can't stand about that sport.
You know?
This guy did bring up a good point.
He goes,
you're telling me the basketball players?
Yes, basketball players do.
Basketball is a very fucking effeminate sport
when it comes to that shit.
That fake fucking flopping around.
You know?
No other, you know,
that's the closest thing.
I'm trying to think.
There's a couple guys in the NHL.
Look, there's always going to be
a couple of broads in every sport.
You know?
But at least in the NHL,
soccer fan,
you know what they have?
They have a penalty
for pretending that somebody hit you.
Two minutes,
you get,
it's called diving.
Two minutes for diving.
Get up, you fag,
and get in the goddamn penalty box.
I was,
I don't know.
Dude, I tried.
I fucking tried.
I tried to watch the shit.
I don't give a fuck.
I find the Premier League
way more enjoyable to watch.
I can watch that game,
but I got to tell you,
like,
I don't know what it is.
I start to get a headache,
and I get a little bit of a stomach ache
when I'm watching it,
because the amount of effort
that I have to put in
to,
you know,
dude,
to sit there
in two hours
of your fucking life
to watch a one-to-nothing game.
That's why,
you know,
so I think I finally figured out
why they fight
in NHL hockey.
Because you can actually have
a one-to-nothing fucking game.
So, you know,
then you basically have guys going,
it's legal
to smash somebody,
you know,
against the boards.
You can drop the gloves.
You can fight.
There's a lot of other
exciting things
that do happen.
All right,
but to sit there
for two fucking hours.
Oh my God,
oh my God,
oh my God,
oh!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
Ooh!
Oh!
It's the sports equivalent
to fucking blue balls.
I don't fucking like it.
I really don't,
I just don't.
I don't like it.
I don't fucking like it, okay?
And you can't make me
fucking like it
because the whole world
likes it.
All right?
There's a major part
of the fucking world
that, you know,
they take out
a high-grade piece
of sandpaper
and then they rub
the girls' fucking clits off.
That doesn't mean
that I think it's right.
Wow, that was really disgusting.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry,
12 minutes into the podcast,
getting that fucking gross.
I should have saved
that towards the end
for the diehard fans.
Um, so anyways,
that LeBron James announcement,
um,
speaking of mind-numbingly boring,
um,
oh, this is another thing
about fucking soccer.
Like, I'm invited
to this,
this,
this party
where they're gonna
watch the finals
and whenever you
find a person
who's really
into soccer,
you know,
yeah,
they always got like
their little soccer shirt on.
They,
they always have like
these little fucking
wimpy torsos.
Have you noticed that?
When's the last time
you saw somebody jacked
that was into fucking soccer?
You don't.
They always have like
those little fucking,
those little European torsos.
You know?
Your little seventh grade bodies.
Does anybody lift weights
or do push-ups
or anything in fucking Europe?
Do you just,
you just take the torso
God gave you
and then you just start
stuffing fish and chips
down your fucking throat
and you just let it all
sort of slide down
until you look like
Jethro Tull?
Um,