Name: Bill Burr - David Letterman Emails Oh Jesus
Uploaded: 2010-08-03T17:35:20.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - David Letterman Emails Oh Jesus' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2010-08-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - David Letterman Emails Oh Jesus' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2010-08-03. Transcript available.

All right, so let's get on with the podcast.
Last week, ladies and gentlemen, I had the pleasure of performing on the David
Letterman Show.
And most of you went out, you watched it, and you all sent me wonderful emails
about it.
And I would read you the wonderful emails, but they're not funny.
But you are in luck.
You know what ones are funny?
The ones where people did not like my performance.
So let's read a couple of those, shall we?
All right, let's read the hate mail here.
So what happens with all of my hate mail is when people don't like my act is
you can't just write me evidently and just say that you don't like my act.
You don't appreciate what it is that I do on the stage.
What you have to do first is you have to establish what an incredible sense of
fucking humor you have and how open you are to all different forms of humor.
You know, it's that classic thing like those douchebags on YouTube.
Obama's a fucking idiot, and I'm a Democrat, right?
So then we can be like, wow, this guy is left, and even he doesn't like this
lefty guy.
So this is what they do.
All right.
So here – so these – both these emails follow to a goddamn fucking T to the
motherfucking UNV.
They follow it.
They follow that pattern.
Bill, just read the fucking thing.
Okay.
Here we go.
All right.
Hi there.
That's how this one starts.
Starts off nice enough.
Hi there.
I've been a fan for a while.
You seem to have a unique take on things.
Look at this, huh?
Pat me on the head.
Let me sniff her hand, making me nice and fucking relaxed.
I loved your bit about the muffins and the mass vehicular murder.
So there you go.
She just showed how it just – her sense of humor spans the globe.
Whether I'm attacking food or actually running over human beings on the
sidewalk, she finds it all funny.
Though – and here's the rub.
Though, as a stay-at-home mom, I now completely despise you.
I did this bit about being a stay-at-home mom.
So anyway, she says, the hardest part about being a stay-at-home mom is being
disrespected by everyone.
I now hope the worst for you.
Despite what funny acts you may think up in the future, you are a jerk and
deserve the worst that life has to offer.
I don't fucking – I don't understand, like, this is the classic fucking
person where everything is funny until it comes around to some shit in her life.
And I make fun of some shit that she's doing, being a stay-at-home mom.
And now all of a sudden, she goes from being a fan of mine to now I am a jerk
and deserve the worst that life has to offer.
That's a fucking hard course that you deserve the worst that life has to offer.
So what, I'm going to get leprosy and be constipated all at the same time and
fucking survive a plane crash but not in a good way?
You know?
Anyways, I don't fucking know.
Really?
You're going to take it to that level?
So I wrote her back.
I said, sweetheart, Oprah Winfrey called your job the toughest job on the
planet on national television and got an applause break of approval.
How much more respect do you need?
I think that's a great point if I can step outside the email, break the fucking
fourth wall.
Is that what it is?
The third wall?
I never knew what the fuck it was.
Huh?
Oprah Winfrey's on TV saying you have the toughest job on the planet and
everybody claps.
All right?
Did she say being a stand-up comedian is the toughest job on the planet?
You think you know what it's like to be fucking disrespected, you apron-wearing,
sheltered son of a bitch?
Huh?
You want to talk about being disrespected?
Look at fucking comedians.
Anytime they show a comedian in a movie, is it a Chris Rock level comic?
It never is.
It's the fucking hack with the lampshade on his head going, waka-waka.
Right?
Didn't the fucking comedian get shot in his gut during Scarface?
Huh?
Did a fucking stay-at-home mom get shot in the fucking stomach with that Mr.
Potato Head mask on her face during that show?
No.
You know why?
Because she was at home taking care of the fucking kids.
Ah, Jesus Christ.
I'm just going to read the rest of this email.
That didn't even fucking make sense.
That started off funny, and then it just went right off the rails.
Like a Prius that you can't fucking stop.
Anyways, she says, so I wrote, how much more respect do you need?
And then I said, meanwhile, there are children working in sweatshops.
Would you rather be a stay-at-home mom or an eight-year-old sewing Adidas
together for 16 hours a day?
I came up with another great example that I wish I had used on TV.
How about you work on one of those fucking oil rigs, like those poor bastards
who work for BP.
Then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, the fucking thing explodes.
You're standing on a metal structure in the middle of the goddamn ocean, and
next thing you know, it blows up.
Probably blew out both of your eardrums.
You're deaf now, and you're on fire.
All right?
And your only option is either burning to death or jumping off of basically the
equivalent of the top of a brownstone.
Trying to enter the water without doing the world's biggest flaming belly flop.
All right?
You land in the water, second and third degree burns in salt water.
All right?
Pus and blood is oozing into the water, and now all you can do is pray to God
that the Coast Guard gets there before a sea of sharks eats you alive.
All right?
You want to do that, or you want to watch Bob the Builder for the 800th time?
Lighten up.
And then I wrote, oh, and don't despise or hope the worst for me.
That causes premature aging.
Hugs.
I know.
That was kind of mean to say, but you know what?
Go fuck yourself.
All right.
Here's another one.
Once again, we have to establish credibility at the top of the email.
Are you guys ready for the credibility to be established?
Jesus Christ, I know I am.
Here we go.
Bill, I am never appalled or, capital letters, offended by comedy.
All capitals, this sentence.
I have a great sense of humor.
Wow.
This is unbelievable.
Isn't that amazing, podcast listeners?
This person is never appalled or offended by comedy that she sees or hears.
She has a great sense of humor.
She has such a great sense of humor, people, that she had to yell it at me in
emails.
All right.
So there's no way she had a problem with my act, right?
Let's read the rest of the email.
However, your appearance on the David Letterman show that I just watched just
put down women and motherhood to an extent that is just downright unbelievable,
dot, dot, dot.
Now she's going to yell again, and tasteless.
Now she yells for the rest of this email, but I'm going to spare you guys.
All right.
I'm going to read it in soothing tones.
But she's screaming the entire time.
That's what I'm guessing because it's all capital letters.
This is what she says.
I challenge you to be a single parent and raise a child and work and attend
college alone without any help, just in case you don't know what being a single
parent means.
All right.
You have no idea how hard it really is.
I am disgusted with your act and will not ever buy any of your DVDs, et cetera.
For the first time in my life, I am disgusted with comedy.
Your comedy, that is.
I like how she starts speaking like in film noir.
I'm disgusted with this comedy.
Your comedy, that is.
See?
Yeah.
23, skidoo.
All right.
Your act touched on many topics that you were disgraceful and very unappealing.
I think she got so mad she stopped writing sentences.
First of all, sweetheart, I wasn't making fun of single parents.
Single parents.
If I was making fun of single parents, nobody would laugh.
I was talking about stay-at-home moms.
All right?
You don't remember that line?
Hanging out all day, making grilled cheese sandwiches.
You're giving a puppet show.
You're dressed like a dragon.
And then some other adult comes home and gives you money.
You're like a big kid.
That some other adult coming home and giving you money is your fucking husband,
you dumb broad.
Do I got to fucking spell it out to you?
So I just wrote her back.
I just said I wasn't talking about single moms.
I was talking about stay-at-home moms.
You weren't listening.