Name: Bill Burr-Don't You Need Your Keys
Uploaded: 2010-08-03T17:38:45.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr-Don't You Need Your Keys' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2010-08-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr-Don't You Need Your Keys' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2010-08-03. Transcript available.

here's one for you getting dumped hey bill i was listening uh last week and
wanted to tell you
about the worst way i was dumped uh when i was in high school i had a friend
who was a girl
and i was in love with her in a pathetic never getting laid way while she was
banging half the
football team ah dude that's like that movie last uh last american virgin right
then i already used
that reference on the podcast i don't give a fuck i'm hung over anyways uh
after high school
graduate graduation we started dating even though we went to different colleges
seven hours apart
um over yeah i love how she starts dating you then because the football team
left her
and went to 47 different colleges so she just needed a dick to ride um over
fall break i went
to visit her and stayed at her place for the weekend on the last night at
midnight she told
me she was seeing someone else and then expected me to stay at her house that
night
oh what a cunt um i got up and packed my shit and as i was about to leave i did
my best brando
impression to let her know how she how she fucked up um and as i started to go
out the door after
making my dramatic statement she said don't you need your keys
oh this poor bastard he goes i forgot my keys on the table all the way across
the room
so i had to walk all the way across back the room back across the room in shame
to grab my keys and then drove seven hours back to college in the middle of uh
in the middle of the
night dude let me tell you something you got you got half a victory there
um because you did leave and you know and you did you had the ability to walk
all the way across
the room to get your keys and at no point during that long fucking walk did you
break down in tears
you didn't all right don't you need your keys
oh that's fucking brutal that's like that's like mean
yeah because you know what she thought i guess that you were going to stay
there for the night so
i guess she went mean there don't you need your keys
obviously you need your keys if she was trying to let you down easy wouldn't
she be like
um you forgot your keys here and just would have the decency to look down at
the floor
don't you need your keys
now this is what i want to know from you on that seven hours drive back how
many different
snappy comebacks did you come with for don't you need your keys i bet you were
so fucking distraught
they didn't even make sense don't you need your keys don't you need your cunt
right that doesn't even
make sense but you know it's something you'd say ah you poor bastard whatever
you know what
the good news is she probably has three kids right now her body's looking like
she's standing in a
funhouse mirror and she probably has some sort of fucking std so you know there
you go sir
it all worked out in the end didn't it