Name: Bill Burr - Pizza In Portland
Uploaded: 2010-08-24T02:07:18.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Pizza In Portland' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2010-08-24. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Pizza In Portland' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2010-08-24. Transcript available.

I fucking went to go to this pizza place.
I really tried to do fun things when I was in Portland.
Tried to be healthy.
I went for a fucking hike.
I was sticking with my smoothies.
You know?
Dropping pounds here.
And, uh...
Anyway, somebody tells me that in Portland
they have this fucking...
They got this pizza parlor
where they have the best goddamn pizza
in all the fucking Northwest.
So this guy has, like, this homemade goddamn dough.
And he only makes so much of it every day.
And when he's done making the dough,
he's done making pizza.
Go fuck yourself.
All right?
So I'm like, you know, well, shit.
I gotta try this pizza.
So I go on the internet.
I look up.
I see where it is.
It's right on Hawthorne Street.
Like 45th and Hawthorne, 46th and Hawthorne,
something like that, right?
So I'm like, all right.
I gotta go check this fucking thing out.
So I give myself an hour and a half
before the show to get there.
To get a goddamn pizza, right?
It's a fucking pizza, okay?
So I call up.
Something told me just to call this place.
And I call up.
It rings like 11, 12 fucking times.
And nobody picks up.
So I'm like, ah, you know what?
They're probably busy.
No big deal.
I'll get there an hour and a half before, right?
I get a goddamn cab.
I'm driving over there.
Cab driver goes, oh, just to let you know,
this guy's kind of like the pizza Nazi,
like the fucking soup Nazi on Seinfeld.
So I show up, and I walk in.
Lo and behold, the place is packed,
but I see this little two-top gets up.
Waitress is cleaning off the table.
She walks away.
So I go over, and I sit down.
Getting ready to order the pizza.
I'm checking out what people are ordering.
I'm getting excited, is what I'm trying to tell you.
And then the waitress comes over.
She's like, um, were you over in the waiting room next door,
or did you just, like, walk in here and sit down?
And I was like, um, I just came in and sat down.
She goes, yeah, um, you have to, like, sign in, um, next door.
You know those people, everything's a question.
You have to, like, sign in next door.
And I'm like, oh, all right.
I go, well, how long's the wait?
She's like, well, I can't really, like, say.
It's, you know, it's kind of busy.
At that point, it's like a quarter of.
I go, well, I got a show at eight.
It's a quarter to seven.
Am I going to have time to order a pizza and eat it?
She's like, yeah, no.
No.
And I'm, and then that's when my blood starts fucking boiling
because I realized what I just walked into.
You know what I walked into?
I walked into the pizza version of Pink's Hot Dogs out here in fucking L.A.
The pizza version of Magnolia Bakery in New York City
or that fucking place where you get the hot dogs in Chicago.
You know?
Hour and 15 minutes to make a fucking pizza?
You can't do that?
This guy's sitting here acting like, you know, like he's making some sort of
gourmet food.
I'll tell you right now, that's my overrated for the fucking week.
Standing in line at any restaurant.
These, you know, the breakfast place in your neighborhood.
Your girlfriend's like, oh, my God.
The stuff French toast is to die for.
And you stand there in fucking line.
Never worth it.
It's never worth the hype.
Okay?
If you learn anything from this podcast other than I'm an ignorant asshole,
don't ever stand in line for fucking food.
Okay?
Unless some, there's a natural disaster.
The place is flooded and they're scooping out fucking pea soup.
You know, and you're putting it into your baseball hat.
Then you'll stand in line.
Soup kitchen.
You stand in line.
But don't stand outside these fucking places.
It's stupid.
It's never worth it.
You know, fancy restaurants, you don't stand outside.
You call up, you make a fucking reservation.
But I'm not standing out there like I'm waiting to fucking...
Did that even make goddamn sense?
You know what I mean?
These fucking people in New York, they stand outside for 90 minutes for a
cupcake.
For a fucking cupcake.
It's gone in three seconds.
You know what's going to piss me off is some people in Portland, okay?
They're actually going to figure out what pizza parlor I'm talking about.
And then they're going to tell me, dude, it's totally...
It's totally fucking worth it.
These low self-esteem douchebags who just allow themselves to get totally
treated like absolute fucking shit for pizza.
Yeah, sorry.
I can't make you a pizza within an hour and 15 minutes.
Well, you know what?
Fuck you and your fucking pizza.
What do you think about that?
And your number one goddamn rating.
I'll go to Pizza Hut.
Eat their fucking slop.
You know what's killing me is I know I'm going to have to go back.
I have to try it.
People hyped it so much.
That's what I'm really mad about is I know as much as I just fucking talked
about that shit, I'm going to have to go back there and go get it.
And for all you guys wondering, you know, that Magnolia, it's a great cupcake,
but it's not that great.
It's not that great to have to stand there and listen to that awful
conversation.
You have people driving by looking at you trying to figure out what are they
standing in line for.
You know?
Is the president there doing a book signing?
Is there a porn star there who's going to blow you at the front of the line?
Can I raise the stakes for something funny within the last seven minutes?
All right.
Fuck this.
Fuck this podcast.
Here we go.