Name: Bill Burr - Women and Diamonds Email
Uploaded: 2010-09-07T07:05:32.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Women and Diamonds Email' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2010-09-07. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Women and Diamonds Email' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2010-09-07. Transcript available.

And with that, we will end with this thing here for the podcast.
Bill, this is under Women and Diamonds.
So, Bill, I'm at a party last night, and I see a guy I haven't seen in a long
time.
He's got his girl with him.
She's pretty hot, but she's got this puss look on her face.
We were introduced earlier, so I say hey to her and ask her what's wrong.
Turns out she's had a few drinks and is throwing around the I want to get
married shit.
I don't think my buddy's having any of it or at the very least plans to go down
swinging.
So, anyways, nothing like a party to bring that shit up.
Anyway, so I figure this is the perfect opportunity to test out a new theory I
have about diamonds.
Not really a theory, but a great question that allows women to show their true
colors.
Why do I do this?
Because I'm a smart-ass jerk when I have a few whiskeys.
I like this guy.
This guy sounds like me, right?
Why would you actually try to get the girl on your side?
Well, actually, you wouldn't hook up at your buddy's girl, but you know what I
mean.
Why would you put out a good vibe when you can actually piss people off?
I totally relate to that.
Anyways, second half here.
Anyway, from what I understand, you can basically – now, I don't know if this
is true or not, but this guy is claiming.
From what I understand, you can basically buy a real diamond created in a lab.
Eventually, they will be much cheaper than the ones they have to dig out of the
ground, and they will also be flawless, a fucking perfect diamond.
So I asked this girl.
I say if she would rather have a perfect, flawless diamond created in a lab
that cost a lot less or insist on a real dug-out-of-the-ground diamond by some
poor person in Africa, nearly perfect, but ultimately flawed more than an
expensive one.
He said you can pretty much guess her answer.
Once again, women are fucking stupid about diamonds.
All right, my first question is can they really create one in a lab that's much
cheaper?
And if they can, for the love of God, shut the fuck up about it.
That should be some down-low, like, guy shit, you know?
And this is what we would do.
Like, this is the level that you organize it to, all right?
Just so they don't catch on, you know, because some guy who fucking stocks
shelves at 7-Eleven is able to buy the Hope fucking diamond.
The broads will be able to figure it out quickly.
So what we should do is organize this shit, like the beginning of the Warriors,
except nobody shoots Cyrus, okay?
We organize this shit, and this is what we say.
You come in with your W-2 for the fucking year, all right?
We see what you make, and then we give you an unbelievable fucking diamond for
making that amount of money, whatever.
Rather than what's it supposed to cost, six weeks pay, we give you one that
costs like 10 weeks, you know?
Put some fake beads of sweat on your fucking brow when you give it to her, and
the whole thing's going to look legit.
And meanwhile, we take that money to go buy a new flat screen, all right?
And that's when you make the fucking move, or after you give it the diamond,
okay?
Say, I bought that diamond for you.
Now I want to buy something for me.
Actually, why don't you help me out on this?
Just throw me $100, $200 in this thing.
You go out, you get a big fucking flat screen TV.
You get the fucking dish.
Just in time for NFL football, you know?
And I'm sure they offer a college football fucking package, and then you just
spend the rest of the football season, Saturday and Sunday, in total fucking
bliss.
And any time she gives you shit, just be like, I'm sorry, honey.
I couldn't hear you over the glare of the fucking diamond I put on your goddamn
finger.
That's what should have happened.
If I had half a brain, I wouldn't have read that part over the goddamn podcast.
But I actually get that on some level, why she would want the other one.
I don't get it because I don't want to think about some poor kid digging that
out of the ground.
That's the part where it goes off the rails.
But they want, you know, they want something of value, you know?
And they, I don't know, they want to show that they married a provider.
I get it on some level.
They want to make their friends jealous.
Like, I think their obsession with diamonds, you know, generally speaking, is
as dumb as our obsession with sports.
Because when you really think about it, our obsession with sports is really
fucking stupid.
You know?
Sitting on your couch like a goddamn cheerleader, wearing the jersey of your
favorite player.
I mean, not everybody does that.
But, you know, fantasy football.
I mean, fantasy football to me is the male version of sex in the city.
Of women watching sex in the city.
For you to sit around and play fantasy football and get together with your
friends and have a fucking draft.
I mean, you might as well do it in a goddamn tree fort.
It's really one of the gayest fucking things you could possibly do.
And, of course, I am saying this having never tried it.
And I know goddamn well if I tried it, I'd be like, this is fucking awesome.
You know?
Pass the dip.
Whatever you fucking guys do.
But anyways, I don't know.
I just, I, you know, it's, look, this is, if I've learned anything in life,
women are crazy and guys are fucking idiots.
And it's not straight across the board, but generally speaking, yeah, they're
fucking nuts.
They're out of their minds.
And we're morons.
I mean, if you go on YouTube and you just look up those fail videos, most of
them are guys trying to do something and they fucking get hit in the balls,
land on the back of their head, wreck their car.
How many women are driving down the street on a fucking motorcycle going 90
miles an hour trying to stand up on the seat doing the karate kid pose as they
point at the fucking camera?
And then fucking skin their fucking asses.
I mean, how many, you know what I mean?
How many, how many fucking women are, are, are fucking, whatever that move that
Asian dude does or whatever, where he fucking somehow gets his car to be doing
donuts and he actually gets out of the car and is holding onto the steering
wheel and it's still spinning around.
Somehow he's got the gas pedal pushed all the way down.
Basically in the end, he gets run over by his own fucking car.
I mean, we're idiots.
All right.
Women, on the other hand, go to movies and start crying like they actually know
the fucking people on screen, get all excited about shiny shit.
And I gotta be honest with you, I don't even know what the fuck they get
excited about.
I have such a difficult time listening to them.
Such a great chauvinistic thing to say as I fucking took a slug of beer here.