Name: Bill Burr-Scary Flight
Uploaded: 2010-10-05T19:04:52.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr-Scary Flight' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2010-10-05. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr-Scary Flight' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2010-10-05. Transcript available.

But I got to tell you, man, I had the scariest fucking flight I've had in like
10 years flying in from Chicago to Albany, right?
I live out here on the fucking West Coast now.
So for some goddamn reason, Los Angeles is this international airport.
But, well, that's not true.
It's because it's the other side of the country.
I mean, I can get a fucking direct flight to like, I don't know, Bakersfield.
I'm trying to pick some fucking obscure city, but whatever.
To get to Albany, I got to fly into Chicago, which was no problem.
And then I flew from Chicago to Albany.
And when we came in on final approach, I don't know what happened.
The guys were coming in for final approach, and we were in this fucking soup.
We were in this chop, or whatever the pilots call it.
And we're just going up 500 feet, down 600, back up 7.
And we're just in this shit.
And as I've stated before here on the podcast, I don't mind turbulence when I'm
way up in the fucking air.
I don't give a shit.
Drop 1,000 feet.
We're 30,000 off the fucking ground.
I don't care.
Right?
But when you're like, coming in on final approach, all of a sudden dropping 500,
600 feet, you know, you start hitting TV antennas.
Like back in the day, like Fred Flintstone, when he didn't want to get busted
for whatever the fuck he was doing.
Right?
He started driving around the neighborhood, lassoing the antennas.
What the hell was he doing?
Was he cheating on Wilma?
Am I doing some stand-up comedy material from the 1980s?
Is that what I'm doing?
What was the deal with Fred?
So we're just in this shit, and this guy says we're in final approach, okay?
And, like, 15 fucking minutes later, I'm just looking out the window, doing
what I always do, going, give me some lights.
Let me see some fucking lights of the city so I can figure out how high up we
are, so I can figure out how much I need to be freaking out.
And we just kept flying through this shit, and it was, like, really, really bad
to the point I was actually feeling a little bit queasy.
Right?
And this guy's not saying shit, and I'm thinking, fuck, we're flying into Albany?
Who flies into Albany?
You know?
Is that the fucking, is that Tom Brady flying that plane?
Or do we got the backup?
Why don't we know his fucking name?
Albany?
The studs, they fly into JFK, they fly into LaGuardia, they fly into Newark.
They don't fly into Albany, right?
So I'm sitting there freaking the fuck out, going, oh, God.
We got the fucking backup to the backup.
We got Trent Dilfer's backup flying the goddamn plane.
And so I did something I haven't done in a while.
I started praying to God, huh?
Oh, jeez.
That's how bad it was.
I had to fucking hedge my bets going, hey, you know, I've been talking a lot of
trash about you on the Monday morning podcast.
Wait a minute.
Do I even need to explain it, considering you know everything?
No, seriously, I was like, all right, all right, sorry for this, sorry for that,
sorry for my sins.
And I'm really starting to get nervous because we're still fucking, you know,
people's stomachs are dropping and I'm really fucking praying.
And then all of a sudden I heard this woman puke like 10 rows back, right?
Everybody is like visibly nervous and no one has let out the bitchy scream yet.
And then I just hear this lady like 12 rows back go, oh, right?
So I start laughing my fucking ass off.
It's exactly what I need.
A little bit of humor so I can just completely pave over any sort of emotion
that I'm feeling.
And then we were back in the fucking chop again.
And then the pilot finally comes on and says, yeah, they have us in a holding
pattern because, as you can see, there's a storm.
But what I didn't get was why didn't you fly up above it or fly east of the
shit or get away from it?
We just stayed in it.
We were flying in circles in this fucking storm.
And we would get to the point where it was sort of tolerable and then go back
into it again.
And it was really getting bad.
I was trying to read a magazine.
It made me like carsick, which I guess is air sick when you're up there, but it's
the same shit.
And then I heard this guy like two rows behind me, you know, he let out this
really bitchy like, oh, as we were going over the thing.
And it actually made me fucking angry.
You know, Christ's sake, hold your fucking get yourself together.
Fucking start making those noises, making everybody scared, you asshole.
So that's what it was for fucking 40 minutes.
We were in this shit.
And people were puking.
People were making, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, like literally like that.
And I'm sitting there trying to fucking remember what prayers you're supposed
to say from back in the days when I was an altar boy.
Right?
You fucking rang the bells.
And on the third day, he said, this is what I've done for you.
I can't remember how to say.
This is my body, which will be given up for you.
That's right.
And you ring it, ding it, ding it, ding with the fucking, the bells there.
At least that's how we did it.
You know, that's the only lame attempt at my church we made to try to fucking
compete with whatever was going on fucking in the inner city.
Right?
They probably had Aretha Franklin headlining or some shit.
You just had me looking like a young fucking Opie Cunningham, whatever the
fucking goddamn dude's name was.
I never watched that show, the Andy Griffith show.
I always found it depressing watching those broke-ass Southern people with that
town drunk.
It was never funny to me.