Name: Bill Burr - Douchebag of the Week- Brad
Uploaded: 2010-10-12T15:39:33.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Douchebag of the Week- Brad' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2010-10-12. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Douchebag of the Week- Brad' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2010-10-12. Transcript available.

I had all this shit that I wanted to talk about
and then I was looking at these fucking emails
and right off the bat
I got one from lo and behold
douchebag of the fucking week
guy's name's Brad
of course his fucking name's Brad
you know
what else would a mother and father
name a douchebag baby
other than Brad
this is from Brad
Bill I was hoping that I could find your podcast
on iTunes yet another week
passes by where your fans
cannot listen to your show
no problem with that right to there
then he goes you might want to make that a priority
sometime too
I can just fucking
see his bare feet and his fucking
penny loafers what are you leaning on my
cubicle you fucking cunt
really do I really want to make that
a priority you dumb fuck you don't think I'm not
trying to contact iTunes
they don't have a fucking person
who answers their phones
they ignore my goddamn emails
what am I supposed to do
go down to Main Street
right down on Main Street
to the fucking mom and pop
fucking Mr. and Mrs. iTunes store
it doesn't exist
you douche
you might want to make that a priority
fucking soon
I want to slap you
right in your privileged
fucking Connecticut white face
and I don't give a fuck if you're not white
and if you're not from Connecticut
because you should be
with that fucking tone
what a cunt
cunt of the week
Brad
go fuck yourself
alright I'm trying to get this thing back up on iTunes
they're not responding to me
what am I supposed to do
they don't have a location
this is the exact shit
I've been fucking trying to tell you guys about
it starts with those goddamn automated machines
down at the fucking grocery store
you're siding with the fucking robots
some of that made sense
you know it did
seriously
this is the future
this is what a store is going to be
you're not going to be able to get in contact with anybody
you're going to have a problem
and you can basically go fuck yourself
and then some other fucking nerd
whose only job is going to be fucking grease the elbow
with a fucking robot that took his job
is going to send me an email
tell me that I need to make something a priority
why don't you go fuck yourself buddy
why don't you make that a priority sometime soon
alright
what a fuck
I swear to god
you might want to make that a priority sometime soon
oh that fucking stuffed shirt
fucking hang you by your goddamn tie
Brad
you fucking cunt
go fuck yourself
I'm glad you told all your friends to listen to it
and now they can't
huh
what's that fucking with you and your goddamn ego
do you have a position at work
little fucking corner office
Brad
fucking moron
telling me I need
breathing
you might want to make that a priority
why don't you tell me something fucking else obvious
alright
there you go
there's your head of steam for the week
douchebag of the week
good old Brad
I had no idea
really
if it wasn't on iTunes
and people couldn't download it anymore
like that would present some sort of a problem
and drop my listenership
you think I don't realize that
Brad
you fucking dick
on Columbus Day
can you believe I'm in this kind of a fucking move on Columbus Day
you know
this is a great day
in sort of white history
when that Spaniard came over here
who kind of looked white
because of his brown hair
didn't he have brown hair
wasn't he Spanish
or did he just sail for the Spanish
I can't I can't I can't even fucking keep the damn story straight
all right
in my fucking history book
he had yellow hair
you know
shiny teeth
and a fucking
you know
he was in shape
then all of a sudden
they make a movie about him
it's Gerard Depardieu
didn't he play him
that French fuck
he played him
and he didn't even land in Florida
he lands
he lands down in the
the Caribbean
starts cutting people's hands off
because they're not finding blood diamonds
so which was it
you know what I love
I love like when they have like a
like a story
everybody's going by
right
about some shit that happened
fucking
500 years ago
whatever
a thousand years ago
then out of nowhere
there'll be a show on TV
and they'll say
new evidence suggests
new evidence
five something from 500 years
you got new evidence
really
where the fuck did you find it
did Christopher Columbus
write something down
on a cocktail napkin
in a bar
and somebody finally cleaned out
the fucking
those rubber mats
that they stand on
and they found it
oh look at this
evidently he went down
to the Caribbean
and chopped people's hands off
and for some reason
wrote it all over
this cocktail napkin
you know
I see some stuff
you know
where we thought
the world was flat
new evidence suggests
that maybe
he didn't sail off
the edge of the world
maybe his fucking
boat sank in a storm
I can see that
that sort of new evidence
but I mean
what sort of new evidence
did you find
huh
some fucking old lady
used to bang
I guess when she was
fucking
not even a fetus
and she's still alive
I actually knew
Christopher Columbus
he was a murdering
son of a bitch
I don't know
who the fuck
knows what happened
I just like bringing
that shit up
so then people
who are into that stuff
can then send me
a five page email
you know
or the lazy ones
who then just search it
find it
and then paste the link
like they're an expert
I'm lashing out
at everybody this week
it's Christopher Columbus
day everybody
you know
and thank god
he discovered America
or else
we wouldn't have been here
think about
what would have happened
what wouldn't have happened
if he didn't come over here
you know
from slavery
to cheesecake factories
none of that
would have been a possibility
here
if that fucking greedy
son of a bitch
he actually took a lot of balls
I think he's the first
ex-gamer
you know what I mean
he just said
was he a scientist
where did Christopher Columbus
get the balls
because I'll tell you right now
me being the afraid
of technology person
that I am
afraid of change
you know
there's no fucking way
I would have gotten that boat
there's no goddamn way
I know the world's round
and I won't get on a fucking boat today
what do you think about that
are you afraid
that it's gonna sink Bill
yes I am
that's what I'm afraid of
and I'm afraid
I'm gonna survive it
and then sit there
and pray that hypothermia
sets in
and numbs me up
so I don't feel it
when the fucking tiger shark
starts nibbling
on one of my fucking
pasty thighs
I'm sorry guys
this is really fucking angry
that guy just really
set me off
that was the exact
fucking reason
why I became
a goddamn comedian
because I don't want to
ever be in a position
where some douche
comes over
leans over
into my life
and tells me
what I might want to
make a fucking priority
you condescending fuck
what kind of a mouse
of a woman
did you marry
she's probably
downstairs right now
making a voodoo doll
of you
and your fucking
dockers
you fat gut
hanging out
you one of those guys
huh
you always gotta wear
this sport coat
and no one knows
how fat you are
until they have
the office
fucking
let's go play
frisbee party
and then you show up
with your fucking
man tits
heart disease
buddy
that's what I wish
on you
go fuck yourself
listen to another podcast
you might want to
make that a priority
all right
All right.