Name: Bill Burr - New England Patriots Trade Randy Moss
Uploaded: 2010-10-12T16:33:52.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - New England Patriots Trade Randy Moss' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2010-10-12. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - New England Patriots Trade Randy Moss' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2010-10-12. Transcript available.

Um, so anyways, yeah, the Patriots traded Randy Moss.
So I got a bunch of emails from the happy jet fans and they're sitting there
going like,
duh, what are they fucking morons?
What the fuck would you fucking do fucking fucking that for?
And I think it's the obvious.
I think he was, uh, I think he was being a problem in the fucking locker room.
Why else would you trade him?
Why would you trade Randy Moss for a fucking third round pick?
Why would you do that?
What level of a cunt would you have to be in order to make that happen?
I know what a lot of people are going to say.
Well, the Patriots are saying we never had a fucking problem with it.
What do you think they're going to say?
They're trying to get that out of their fucking locker room.
So I actually haven't had this big back and forth with this dude.
Cause I was trying to talk to him about like,
he was trying to tell me how fucking dumb it was that the Patriots traded that
guy.
And I'm just, it's just like, haven't you seen TOS?
Haven't you seen Stefan Marbury's?
You haven't seen these guys that got all the talent in the fucking world,
but they don't, they're, they're not even focused on whether they're winning or
losing.
They're just looking at their fucking stats.
And when halftime comes around, if they don't have their fucking 15 points
already,
or their five fucking catches, or somebody else has more catches than them,
they start acting cunty, which affects the mood in, in, in the, in the goddamn
locker room.
So I was talking to this dude about team chemistry, fucking intangibles,
which he thought was ridiculous.
He's like, are you one of these people who talks about intangibles?
It doesn't matter.
It's all about what you do on the fucking field.
Really?
Intangibles was the reason why I knew Peyton Manning wasn't as good as Tom
Brady.
When it really came down to it.
Because that guy, as far as dropping back, throwing a ball, making a completion,
has it all over Tom Brady.
He's at least 30% better in all of those categories.
His stats are at least 30% better.
But the fucking intangible is what goes on between your fucking ears.
When the pressure is on.
And all of a sudden, it fucking counts, and the whole season's on the line.
What do you do?
Do you drive your team down for a score?
Or do you throw a fucking pick six?
Do you lead your team to victory?
Or do you lose to the eight and eight chargers?
If you're frustrated, do you fucking hold it in and turn it into something
positive and lead your team?
Or do you openly show it?
Like I saw him do again yesterday against the Kansas City Chiefs.
He had Peyton face.
I can't get the ball where I want it to be.
Yeah, why don't you bitch again and get a new fucking rule change so Kansas
City can't play fucking defense on you?
Do you guys notice Kansas City has Romeo Cromwell and Charlie Weiss?
They basically have our offensive and defensive coordinator from back in the
day.
Smart sons of bitches over there.
And they were doing the exact same shit that the Patriots used to do.
They just didn't have the personnel to do it for 60 fucking minutes.
And Peyton had the exact same fucking look on his face that he had from 0-2, 0-3,
0-4 when he couldn't beat the fucking Patriots.
That, sir, is what I'm talking about.
That's why people say Derek Jeter is better than A-Rod despite A-Rod's fucking
stats.
I'm telling you, Derek Jeter, you can build a team around that.
I can't build a team around fucking A-Rod.
You know?
During the moment when he's supposed to be getting, you know, he's supposed to,
you know, you're in a three-game fucking losing streak and you need the captain
to step up.
You know?
Say something.
Get the guys going.
He, uh, A-Rod's over in the corner putting fucking lip balm on.
He's not a goddamn leader.
He's over there staring at himself in the fucking mirror.
I don't know.
The fuck are you going to say, you know?
Look, this is how I look at it.
If you trade a guy as good as Randy Moss for a third-round pick out of fucking
nowhere, he did something so cunty that they just said, you know what?
It's like the lock-the-door test in a Bronx tale.
He did something, and this was just the tip of the iceberg.
We're fucking out.
And, you know, didn't you know, deep in your heart, Patriots fan, didn't you
know...
That eventually...
And does it ever end good with Randy?
Has he ended well with any team?
Remember with the Vikings?
Yeah, sometimes they take a few plays off.
You know?
Goes out to Oakland.
Because they're like, oh, this guy's a head case.
We always take on head cases.
And then all of a sudden, they become good guys.
He's a fucking problem there.
And he did the same thing out here.
So...
So what are you going to do?
What the fuck are you going to do?
What do you think the Patriots are going to win it?
Have you seen our defense?
Even though we beat the fucking Dolphins,
didn't we look like we were in a prevent defense
from the fucking first quarter on?
So, I don't know.
I'm not that fucking freaked out about it.
Considering when I look at the receivers that we had
when we won Super Bowls,
we didn't have a Jerry Rice level.
Unless you think David Patton was that guy.
I mean, I don't fucking know.
Whatever.
We have a goddamn system.
Yet the bottom line is,
is Randy's a fucking head case.
And the Patriots are an arrogant, miserly franchise.
Okay?
So we don't tolerate...
Look at we.
Like, the Patriots don't fucking tolerate
you being a cunt in the locker room.
And, uh...
I think he was done the second he had that stupid
fucking press conference.
Saying,
I think there's people here in New England
that don't want to see me do well.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Go take your fucking goddamn tampons
and go to fucking Minnesota.
And you know what he's going to do out there tonight?
You think I don't know he's not going to get
180 fucking yards tonight?
He's going to do exactly what Manny did
when he went to the Dodgers.
He's going to try for like fucking six weeks.
Because he wants to, you know,
show everybody he's not the guy that he fucking is.
But eventually that'll all go south.
You know?
Jesus, what a clusterfuck tonight is, huh?
Randy Moss is in town.
You got Rex Ryan.
He's talked all that shit.
And, uh, Brett Favre showed everybody his dick.
I know what a lot of you were probably thinking.
How fucking stupid do you have to be
this day and age to be famous?
Take a picture of your unit
and fucking send it to somebody.
How fucking dumb do you have to be?
I'm telling you right now,
you're looking at it the wrong way.
All right?
What you really have to see
is the level of ass
that you get
when you play quarterback
for a football team.
What you see in Brett Favre,
because my first thing was like
when he did that,
I was just like,
well, why didn't he just fucking
verbally close the deal?
Why didn't he just go up,
talk some shit,
make her laugh,
get her fucking number,
and then go out with her?
I'm Brett Favre.
I like wrangled jeans.
You want to see my dick?
I mean, like,
what kind of fucking game?
And then I mean,
it was like,
this guy has no fucking game
with women
because he never had to.
He's like the classic
all-American
fucking Dudley Do-Right face,
and he's the quarterback
of the team,
probably from junior high on.
Chicks were just coming up to him.
Oh, my God,
Brett.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
It's Brett Favre.
Brett, how did you do that?
Oh, thank you.
Thank you.
You want to see my dick?
Where's he from?
Mississippi?
You can do that still
in Mississippi.
You can walk down the street
with your dick
hanging out of your overalls.
No one gives a shit.
Look at that boy
with his dick hanging out.
Hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, shit.
You want to go fishing?
They don't give a shit.
His whole fucking career,
he's been the fucking man.
And when you're the man,
the fucking hoo is,
don't give a shit.
They fucking stampede you.
I bet that that was his game.
Just like fucking Ben Roethlisberger.
I'm starting to think
that that guy
wasn't a goddamn sex offender.
I just think he's been
the quarterback.
He's been the man.
So he has no game.
So he just walks into a bar
and he's like,
ugh, tits.
And he just reaches over
and grabs him.
So I don't think
that those guys are morons.
I look at them
the same way
when people look at someone
who grew up
in the inner city.
You know?
And they didn't have
access
to the good books.
And their school
was a fucking war zone.
And if you stuck
anybody in there,
they also would come out
and would be at a fucking,
you know,
seventh grade reading level.
Right?
The same way with me
or anybody else,
if I was the fucking man,
if I was the quarterback
from fucking junior high on,
oh,
I'd be hanging out
at Hooters.
Just grabbing titties.
Ugh,
you want to see my dick?
I love that he did that.
I love that he did that.
You know,
because you see him
do all that shit on TV
and you're like,
Jesus Christ.
I couldn't hit a golf ball
as far as that guy
can throw a fucking football.
What happened to me genetically?
What the fuck is wrong with me?
And then Brett Favre
does something like that.
He takes a picture
of his dick
and then sends it to somebody
and it's just like,
I don't know.
You know,
it's just,
there's something,
it's just fucking hilarious.