Name: Bill Burr - With Guest Greg Fitzsimmons
Uploaded: 2010-10-14T15:55:42.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - With Guest Greg Fitzsimmons' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2010-10-14. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - With Guest Greg Fitzsimmons' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2010-10-14. Transcript available.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and this is a very special edition of the
Monday Morning Podcast.
Those of you who are longtime listeners, all 15 of you, you know every once in
a while I will, rather than babble for an hour about the inane shit that pisses
me off,
I'll actually bring in a comedian friend of mine, and like I told you, these
are the only guys that I respect, the only people that I find funny, hackless,
hackless podcasting here.
And today, we have the pleasure of having on our show the wonderful, the
talented, the cocksuckin', Greg Fitzsimmons, everybody.
What's up, Gregory?
I got to tell you, and being a stand-up comedian, and you know, in the media in
general, there is, what other job begins with a stroking session?
You know, I mean, and I really needed that. I had a shit day, and I'm sitting
here in your house, you've invited me out, so I know I'm not a hack, and then
you get a nice little build-up.
This guy is a good guy. What if you were a plumber? You'd think you'd show up
at someone's house with like a shit knee-deep in there. Get in there, clean up
the shit.
I know. That's like my dad's a dentist. I worked with him when I was younger,
and just handed him the shit as he yanked out the teeth.
And every other person would come in, the first thing he'd say, first of all, I
just want to let you know, I hate the dentist. That's all he heard all day long.
Number one suicide rate of any profession.
Is that right?
That's absolutely true.
Well, give it up for my dad for hanging in there.
Did you notice a lot of depression in him?
No. Jesus Christ, we're really going deep here.
In me, yes. Not in him.
Jesus, I got it too, man. Lately, it's hitting me hard.
No, but I got it beat. I know how to beat it.
I actually, now I step back, and I observe the thoughts in my head, and I just
see a bad one.
I'm like, do I want to spoon with that idea for the next fucking three days?
Yeah.
And hate my life?
I literally, I'll go on a hike.
I find that walking around and getting the blood going.
And just start telling myself lies.
You're amazing. You're amazing.
No, no, no. See what you just did, though?
That's exactly.
I put music on, and I fantasize that I'm playing it like I'm Stevie Ray Vaughan,
and it gets me out of it.
Well, I took a yoga class yesterday.
That helps me a lot, because not only are you getting the physical exertion,
you're deep breathing, and then there's hot ass in every direction.
Oh, my God. All getting stretched out.
That's what, actually, in another life I would do.
I would be, like, that yoga instruction shit.
Oh, hell yeah.
You get a ponytail.
And not only do these women have hot bodies,
they give a shit about themselves enough to go to a place to make themselves
better.
And you get them all stretched out before you bang them, Greg.
Oh, my God.
I mean, it's like, I used to go to this one out in Santa Monica,
and this guy was, why I liked it was because it wasn't that chanting shit.
It was, the teacher was this angry guy trying to be happy.
So I totally related to him.
That's great.
But he used to do, this is true, dude.
And he was a great teacher, too.
And he used to be teaching the class while subtly putting out how sensual he
was during
lovemaking.
I love it.
He would be like, he would just, yeah, I can't even.
You should do that with your podcast, man.
It wouldn't work.
At this point, people know I hate women.
Yeah.
Not individually.
I like women one-on-one.
But as a group, when they all start yammering around a table like that fucking
show, The View,
I mean, seriously.
I mean, yeah, when I look at The View or I think of, what was that show, Sex in
the City
or now Cougar Town, I really do, I say to myself, women, the best is the bachelorette
party.
That's what sums up what all those shows are.
It's an attempt by women to be men instead of being women in a group.
When you're with a woman alone, they are empathetic, they're connected,
emotional.
They're everything that you kind of want in a dude, one-on-one, but a guy can't
go there.
Like, you have a strong female side, and sometimes we really connect on that
level,
but very often you're just the angry dude.
But women are always that.
I don't even know what that means, but okay.
No, you know.
You're a sensitive guy.
I was hoping that someone was going to come in here and finally actually
compliment women
after all the trashing that I've done.
I'm like, Greg, he's married.
He's got a couple of kids.
This will be a nice thing.
You come right in, just kicking them right in the twat.
What are you talking about?
I said you're a sensitive guy.
No, not me.
I was talking about, like, women.
You're like, they want to be men.
Oh, yeah.
I was just picturing all of them rolling their eyes.
Well, let's actually pick a strong female role.
That we like?
Oh, yeah.
Who's a broad out there you like?
I don't mind those women who stand on the sidelines with their business suits
during football games.
Oh, yeah.
Shoulder pads and a skirt.
Why don't you just get in the fucking game, sweetheart?
No, you know, to me, it's like, you know, my wife, and I've been with her for
11 years, and, you know, I'm one of the few comedians that can tell you I
fucking love my wife.
I have not had a day in my life that I didn't think, how did I get this chick?
And she's perfect.
There you go.
And you met her?
No, she's the greatest.
Isn't she?
I knew she was a good one that time when we were driving back from Boston.
Holy shit.
Remember that?
We did this gig somewhere in Boston or Rhode Island.
We had only been dating for like two or three weeks.
Yes.
No, we were going to, weren't we going to, where were we going?
Anyway, yeah.
Anyways, whatever.
I thought we were doing a gig.
It was you, me, Tom Cotter.
We were going to a wedding.
It was Robbie Prince's wedding in Boston.
No, because I didn't go to that.
And Shannon.
No?
No.
Okay.
Dude, let's just get to the meat of the story here.
Okay.
We're coming back.
Tom Cotter is hungover and you and me are in the car doing the Boston accent on
11 and just saying the most ignorant, racist shit you could possibly say.
AIDS joke.
AIDS joke.
Everything just total green room stand-up comedy just driving Tom nuts trying
to make a puke.
Remember that?
And Aaron was laughing.
Laughing the entire time at the ridiculousness of him.
My favorite part was when it got quiet and Tom thought after two states of
doing it that we'd finally given up and we drove over this bridge and there was
this lake or something underneath and you in the back just go, water.
Which, of course, started it all up again.
Hey, Fitzy, you fucking fudge packer cotsucka.
Let's get some beers.
Go down the Cape.
Beat up some colored kids.
Oh, three states.
Three states we did that and just watching Tom just being like, dude, it's not
fun anymore.
Dude, from that trip to this day, I do the Boston accent and it's immediate.
It's like this Pavlovian response.
She just starts laughing again.
Oh, it's the worst.
And I was reading George Carlin.
Did you read George Carlin?
Hey, before we get too deep into this, let's get on to what you're hyping here.
Greg Fitzsimmons actually wrote a book that's coming out.
What's the name of it?
It's called Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons.
Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons.
And that will be available in stores when?
Well, you can pre-order now, which they actually just bumped up my, you know,
they do an order of the books.
They just bumped up to a second order already.
They're chopping up a body next door.
Just ignore that.
No, that's what I love about podcasts.
I love that.
So the book, basically, it's doing great.
Pre-order it.
Go to Fitzdog.com, F-I-T-Z, dog.
And it's basically my, it's about us.
It's about Irish guys with a lot of anger that do the opposite of what they're
told to do their whole life.
Oh, there you go.
So my mother saved every letter that was ever sent home from teachers, police,
clipped out things from the newspaper when I was arrested.
And then I saved them all from adulthood.
So it's like my life through bad letters that were sent home.
That's phenomenal, man.
Phenomenal.
Yeah.
And the e-book is cool, too.
If people buy the e-book, I've actually, I got celebrities.
I'm going to shoot you after this, who, they read the letters.
So when you're reading, when you're on your iPad, you can click on a particular
letter, and all of a sudden, Pete Yorn is reading it, or Zach Galifianakis, or
Natalie Mays.
Oh, all right.
So it's very interactive.
I'll be a part of that.
Yeah.
You're very, you know, something I have to hand this to you is you're very, you're
not afraid of the internet the way I am.
I'm really like, who's that guy, Andy Rooney at the end of 60 Minutes.
That's right.
Why is everybody going over to Facebook?
I'm just on Twitter.
And notice where he is on 60 Minutes, in that 30 seconds after the 19th
commercial.
Yeah, and he's just the, and I'm so trying not to be that guy who just hates
everything new, but it really is.
Yeah, but you were ahead of the wave with this podcast.
You've been doing this longer than I have.
Yeah, this appealed to my psychosis of just being by myself.
Like, I do this thing by myself every week, just for like an hour.
Do you ever pause it, or do you go straight through it?
No, I just go straight through it.
That's what I do.
I do probably one out of four or five alone.
They're my favorite ones.
And if you start bombing, you just talk about how you're bombing.
And then people actually laugh at you struggling trying to get back on the road
to comedy.
People, I find, I get more comments on the alone ones than any other ones.
They're like, I did one, I was down staying with my mom in Florida with my
family, and I
went out, sat in her car across the street from her condo, and did one just
ripping her a new
asshole, hating everybody, hating the trip.
And it was by far the best podcast I've ever done.